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Primal Feet First: In Search of Lost Time or Remembrance of Things Past

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  • So, come tomorrow will make a week of FAIL for me.
    Fail that is getting to be even worse fail.
    Feeling weaker/more disoriented when I stand and move around, speech is constantly affected and more affected, noises/sounds are starting to be a problem again and I'll probably be back on a hearing hiatus soon via my Bose QC15's.
    This comes after about 4 good months on meds... Not perfect the whole time, but good.
    I had random rough days here and there, but I also had HOPE because it was working so well for me, and I was tolerating the med so well. (It is a difficult med.)
    Adjusting to the rise in medication twice as my levels were increased was a bit rough in itself.
    BUT... how much higher can I go???

    The meds already have side effects. It causes tiredness and fatigue, nausea and lack of appetite (good and bad I guess?), and mineral imbalances that I have to supplement for. Other symptoms it's hard to know if they are side effects of the med or just effects of the disease that aren't being helped, because there is a lot of overlap. I fight urinary acidosis daily to try and prevent kidney stones and kidney damage. Metabolic acidosis hangs over my head on the heels of the urinary acidosis, and would cause major problems.

    I'm at about half the MAX. and got a couple of good months out of it. If docs increase dosage how much harder is that acidosis going to be to control to keep the kidney damage at bay. And how much good will it really do? How much time will I get out of it before it stops working again?
    Are they going to cocktail me by adding a second drug? I know what the second drug is... no horrible physical side effects except even LESS desire to eat, but my cognitive clarity is going right out the window! Weee!
    If the rugs don't work are they going to drill a whole in my head. SHUNT! Shunts is where this whole things starts to get really dangerous. The three ladies in my group who have died have all died seeking relief via shunts, or revision for shunts, shunt/brain surgery "complications".
    But... what choice does one ever really have. Live in pain, and like a stroke victim, losing the vast majority of the quality of life that I have LEFT... or take that chance. Most people survive brain shunt surgeries just fine. You just have to sigh that waiver first.

    What if, what if what if...
    I'm just having a suck week.
    It's hard to make progress and feel better, even if you aren't really well, and then watch yourself regress.
    In this case it's listen... I open my mouth, in the shower after I'm really awake, and the voice is not mine. Again.
    I really fucking HATE 'Ben Roethlisberger'... and 'Listerine'... and 'Dr. Teal's Lavender Epsom Salts' ... and the rest of the things I test my tongue with every day. Because they all sound wrong.

    Delete "Sail" insert "Fail"... that's me!


    Such a whiny post. But it's nice to have somewhere to 'put' it.
    I've cried this week. I've pounded the tile in the shower with my fists.
    I've been a bit 'touchy' on occasion with husband.
    And it's not even PMS time!
    It's just "Hey Universe, go be unfair to someone else for a fucking change!" time.
    Yeah. That's SO not how it works. FML.
    “You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.”
    ~Friedrich Nietzsche
    And that's why I'm here eating HFLC Primal/Paleo.

    Comment


    • So sorry to hear, Cori. Just... will keep your health in my thoughts and prayers.

      Comment


      • *Sending you unsalted beef-broth-flavored quiet hugs*

        I wish I could send something more constructive
        http://cattaillady.com/ My blog exploring the beginning stages of learning how to homestead. With the occasional rant.

        Originally Posted by TheFastCat: Less is more more or less

        And now I have an Etsy store: CattailsandCalendula

        Comment


        • So... my attention to detail amongs favorite MDA journals has been scattershot at best, due to torrential waves of end of fiscal year shit hitting me in the face at work. And somehow I missed the CRPS and other issues discussed in detail on p. 13. Also never read the earliest posts, so now I'm up on the Dad saga.

          And, just wow. You've been through a lot. Don't even know what to say except to agree that you have a pretty amazing attitude through it all, and I really hope you get some medical relief. *Hugs*

          Comment


          • Hi Cori!

            I just finished reading all 14 current pages of your thread. I kind of noticed you from other places on this forum by how lots of folks seemed to know the motorcycle story and that made me curious. I'm sitting here smiling and tearing up all at the same time. Smiling because you haven't given up, and tearing up that you had / have to go through all this.

            If someone can really like someone by reading the Internet, I like you. There is a lot that I believe I really get about you through personal experience - the evil, abusive childhood. Trying to sort it all out once you get out of the house. Finding a great man anyway, even though you really tried to warn him off. And the neuro thing. I don't have it, but a daughter has multiple neuro issues so I understand the brain overload and the speech thing and the stumbly thing and a few other thingies, albeit from a caregiver standpoint.

            There has been one little "positive" (whatever you want to call it) I managed to squeeze from my own experiences: sometimes I met others going through their own personal hell and swapping stories helped both of us. You are still one brave chick for being as blunt as you are.

            Do you know that I actually googled "Ben Roethlisberger test" to find out what that was (before I got to the post about it)?

            But you sooo have me on the music! I listen to music for 100-year-old-arch-conservative-great-grandmothers... my next concert is Barry Manilow (but I actually want to see him!) in August...
            I have a mantra that I have spouted for years... "If I eat right, I feel right. If I feel right, I exercise right. If I exercise right, I think right. If I think right, I eat right..." Phil-SC

            Comment


            • Thanks everyone for the well wishes...
              But less sad faces pretty please!!!

              And welcome Crabbcakes. I'm glad that you have enjoyed my journal.
              I'm sure it's not for everyone. But that's OK, I write it for me.
              In some ways I'm blunt and very open here. There is stuff in the pages of MDA that only my former therapist and/or husband knows (ahhh, anonymity!) In other ways, not so much. I gloss it over. It's a lot like what you can see if you open a really crammed closet without moving the stuff around for closer examination. No need for hauling out details. It sucked, but dwelling on it too much would suck the life out of now. And I can't have that.

              I'm over my tantrum phase...
              As a highly experienced 'unhealthy' person the 5 stages come and go like the WIND for me... ~~~~~~>>>>>>> wooooooossssssssshhhh>>>>>>>>>>>>~~~~~~~~~~... Ok, all done!

              Day 1-2 of speech weirdness, Denial!
              "Meh, I'm just having a bad 'day' maybe... I hope..."
              (meanwhile in the back of my mind "Ha! You KNOW better!!!)

              Day 3 of speech weirdness, Anger!
              "Ben Roethlisberger, Ben Roethlisberger, Ben Roethlisberger, F****KKKKKK!"
              I wish I could punch Ben Roethlisberger right in the throat!
              Why won't my STOOOPID mouth work right!

              Day 4 of speech weirdness, Bargaining?
              Yeah, right...Whatever!
              I learned LONG ago that bargaining is completely worthless... day 4 is Anger part Deux!

              Day 5-6 of speech weirdness, Depression. Bleh.
              "It's not faaaaaiaaiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrr." *emo~pout*
              Yeah... um... see whinyness from last post.

              Day 7 of speech weirdness, Acceptance. *le sigh*
              Ok... moving on! No point in all this blathering.
              Been here, done this... if they handed out t-shirts for this crap I could probably clothe half of a small country.
              So... let's see... what CAN we do?
              Ready, set, go (do that sh*t)! Aka, make some phone calls.

              So, I made an appointment to see the doc in control of the meds on Monday!
              Will probably have to take more meds. Whatever. I'll deal with it.
              It's better than dealing with the squashy brain symptoms.

              I know this post is going to seem like some sort of manic/depressive episode or something following the last one. But it really is just me running through the standard Kubler-Ross model cycle. I've got it down to the bare minimum I think. Practice does make perfect!
              That's how I roll...
              Last edited by cori93437; 06-14-2012, 11:30 PM.
              “You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.”
              ~Friedrich Nietzsche
              And that's why I'm here eating HFLC Primal/Paleo.

              Comment


              • It does not seem so strange, those stages are applicable to all kinds of scenarios. I'm pretty sure I do exactly that when I come out of a period of not being depressed. "Oh I'm so happy!" "Oh what is this? I'm not feeling great today. Maybe it's a fluke." "WTF come on, be over now." "FUCK THIS SUCKS come on I just want to feel happy again!" "This is so unfair. Life is so unfair." "Well, at least I'm learning something and I feel more self-aware than I have in the past. What's next on the supplement test list?"

                Glad to hear you are checking in with the docs.
                Depression Lies

                Comment


                • "Unhealthy" people unite! Yep, I totally get rolling through the process, because, well, what other option is there. Glad you're on to the "make changes" part. That's usually the most helpful.

                  And, faces!


                  http://cattaillady.com/ My blog exploring the beginning stages of learning how to homestead. With the occasional rant.

                  Originally Posted by TheFastCat: Less is more more or less

                  And now I have an Etsy store: CattailsandCalendula

                  Comment


                  • i'm hiding my sad face. *hugs* *hugs again* (sorry for copping a feel)
                    my primal journal:
                    http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum...Primal-Journal

                    Comment


                    • Oh My!
                      Saoirse, do you know whose journal this is... cop ALL the feels!

                      It's late Friday night, and here I am!
                      I actually went to bead early and woke up with my head all heavy and melon-y, so I'm here having a...

                      all on my own.

                      I finally felt like I had something to share over in 'Triumphs' today...
                      And I'm going share it here too, 'cause umm... ego and stuff!

                      It's a well established fact that I lose weight at about the same rate that molasses pours out of a narrow necked bottle on a January morning in Alaska. S-L-O-W. Painfully slow even.
                      Of course, since the way I eat has as much to do with trying to keep myself healthy in defense of medication and disease as it does with being slimmer... I stick pretty tight to my guidelines.
                      So, Thursday evening husband person tells me that he can really see that my hips are getting narrower, he has been suggesting that we get me some new jeans since mine are getting baggy and I've been putting it off, and yesterday I pulled my jeans down without unbuttoning or unzipping... and back UP the same way. No 'scooching' involved.
                      They are mid-rise jeans... which are now sitting very low-rise! I think that the only reason that they don't fall to the ground is that I'm one of those gals with a big generous booty out back. They hang... with crack exposed! LOL
                      It's a good thing I wear longer t-shirts... covering up my sins!

                      Speaking of crack...


                      Time for new jeans... My bum is going to...


                      And since we started with a Par-tay/assault on sweet, innocent, childhood memories...
                      We'll end that way too...
                      “You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.”
                      ~Friedrich Nietzsche
                      And that's why I'm here eating HFLC Primal/Paleo.

                      Comment


                      • woohoo!

                        btw i do not watch claymation adult shiznit because my sweet little mind finds it disturbing. but grok* on anyway!


                        *am i the only one who cringes at that word?
                        my primal journal:
                        http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum...Primal-Journal

                        Comment


                        • Originally posted by Saoirse View Post
                          woohoo!

                          btw i do not watch claymation adult shiznit because my sweet little mind finds it disturbing. but grok* on anyway!


                          *am i the only one who cringes at that word?
                          I cringe more at *grok and shiznit (lol)... than I do the admittedly sometimes disturbing adult claymation... which just makes me giggle.

                          It's OK though...
                          Generally you don't need to watch the video to get the gist... it's more like fill in the black with the video title usually. Content is just and AWESOME bonus!
                          And I happened to be in a Robot Chicken mood tonight.
                          “You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.”
                          ~Friedrich Nietzsche
                          And that's why I'm here eating HFLC Primal/Paleo.

                          Comment


                          • i watched a mini docu about how they make the show. after scouring ebay and the rest of the internet they found someone selling a rather mint he-man figure

                            the seller said something along the lines of 'take good care of it!'

                            dude replied something along the lines of 'okay i will!'

                            and well *gestures at vids*
                            beautiful
                            yeah you are

                            Baby if you time travel back far enough you can avoid that work because the dust won't be there. You're too pretty to be working that hard.
                            lol

                            Comment


                            • well i like shiznit.
                              my primal journal:
                              http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum...Primal-Journal

                              Comment


                              • shiznit is the bizzzomb.
                                If I just said LOL, I lied. Do or do not. There is no try.

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