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Yep, I didn't fall off the riser, didn't come in on a rest, didn't cut off late, and overall I am happy with the more aesthetic details of my performance. Woke up with the Requiem in my head, and that's a good thing. I wish I could do it all again, though!
Back to real life. Work tonight. One thing I do miss about this whole K thing is that it gave me something to look forward to - an hour or 45 minutes of pleasant chat and mild flirting at the end of my shift. That is definitely gone. Now what I have to look forward to is keeping really busy on another floor for an hour or 45 minutes at the end of my shift. Oh joy. But it is only tonight and then I don't work until Friday night and it won't be a problem. I don't feel uncomfortable about being around him but I have zero desire to sit around chatting. That will maybe come back with time and maybe in the future we can go back to exchanging banal details of our respective lives in the AM. I would rather discuss Habermas's criticism of postmodernism, but that's a stretch. It will probably be more "I drove my daughter to her music lesson" and less "Should we hold on to the the feeble intentions of the Enlightenment or declare the whole thing a lost cause?" Alas, after being up all night I should probably stick to the daughter driving discussion.
Did a strange thing last night food-wise. (Hanging head in shame) I really shouldn't admit this. I didn't feel like going to the grocery and had very little food available. No fresh food at all. I dug around in the cupboard and found an ancient foil sealed packet of Jaipur vegetables from Trader Joes. It had a Best By date of, well, a year ago. I was surprised to see the only objectionable ingredient was sunflower oil, which isn't all that objectionable. Upon opening the package, I noted that it looks and smells exactly as it should. Tastes fine. Hmmm. Guess that aseptic packaging works. I made some rice and had quite a feast. And no ill effects. Actually, I only ate half, so I have another opportunity to poison myself.
And I have watched Seasons 1 and 2 of Big Bang Theory.
Yesterday at the post-performance reception (fancy name for a potluck) I indulged in some cheese, largely because someone thoughtfully brought gluten-free rice crackers. (Yes, I saw the package.) This morning my right knee is sore, that old happily-no-longer-familiar ache. NO CHEESE. Certainly not in the quantity I had yesterday.
“A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.”
If you don’t approve of yourself, of your behaviour and actions then you’ll probably walk around most of the day with a sort of uncomfortable feeling. If you, on the other hand, approve of yourself then you tend to become relaxed and gain inner freedom to do more of what you really want.
This can, in a related way, be a big obstacle in personal growth. You may have all the right tools to grow in some way but you feel an inner resistance. You can’t get there.
What you may be bumping into there are success barriers. You are putting up barriers in your own mind of what you may or may not deserve. Or barriers that tell you what you are capable of. They might tell you that you aren’t really that kind of person that could this thing that you’re attempting.
Or if you make some headway in the direction you want to go you may start to sabotage for yourself. To keep yourself in a place that is familiar for you.
So you need give yourself approval and allow yourself to be who you want to be. Not look for the approval from others. But from yourself. To dissolve that inner barrier or let go of that self-sabotaging tendency. This is no easy task and it can take time.