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Fibromyalgia and Fat - Tomi's story

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  • Maybe a card, but at this point no letter.
    Female 55
    Starting wt: 198, Goal: 135, Current with PB: 165
    Started at a size 16 down to loose 10

    With PB my asthma has improved, low back pain is gone, & I've got more energy

    My Primal Journal: http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread60175.html

    Comment


    • I think a card saying how happy/proud you are she found a teaching position, a nice apartment, and how you are looking forward to hearing about her new adventures would be nice. I might also consider a gift card as a "house warming" gift.

      I would only do this, however, if you WANT to and truly feel the sentiment expressed. I would not do anything if it's coming from a position of SHOULD do it.

      Comment


      • The "should" part is what I'm wrestling with. Do I really want to give her anything or I'm feeling like I SHOULD take the high road? I mean I receive absolutely nothing from her in any way shape or form. Birthdays, mothers days, come and go with not even a simple, quick text. I have suspected for many years that the things she gives me for Christmas are items that she is "re-gifting" because they are always things that others would likely give her. This last Christmas she gave me a gift card to a movie theater and a Disney coffee mug filled with candy. I have no interest in Disney, I don't eat candy, and she knows I'd rather watch a movie at home than pay to see it in the theater. In past years she's given me clothes that I suspected her grandmother had given to her and she didn't want.

        Truth be told I feel like my ability to "go above and beyond" is totally tapped out. I know without a doubt that she doesn't give a flying fig if she see's me before she leaves. So - why should I go out of my way to present her with gesture of my well wishes? I read something on facebook about not chasing after people who could care less about you.

        I think I just made up my mind.............. I'm not going to do anything beyond a text message tomorrow. In the past couple weeks I have gone out of my way to help her with packing up her room, I have sent her several text messages and I have showed her my love and encouragement. I'm done with this one sided relationship.

        If there is to be any kind of relationship between her and I in the future it will have to be initiated by her.

        *shaking the dust off my feet*

        Done.
        1. Love ME no matter what noises are screaming at me, or who is trying to tear me down.
        2. Eat to heal
        3. Move to live
        4. Embrace today
        5. Live with intention
        6. Respect my body
        7. Cultivate joy
        8. Find my passion
        9. Meditate on peace in my soul

        Comment


        • Tomi, I understand not wanting to maintain relationships when they are one way streets. I've been wrestling with a lot of the same thoughts and feelings lately.

          Comment


          • I just feel like I'm wasting my energy and emotions. Do you feel that way too? I mean, if a person isn't interested in having a relationship with you -- why pursue them?

            When I first came into this family the girls were very young - and they weren't at all interested in having a step mother. At that point, I made it my mission to "win them over". That was 13 years ago. I haven't succeeded. At what point do you just say "I quit"??

            I think I've reached that point. I'm done chasing.
            1. Love ME no matter what noises are screaming at me, or who is trying to tear me down.
            2. Eat to heal
            3. Move to live
            4. Embrace today
            5. Live with intention
            6. Respect my body
            7. Cultivate joy
            8. Find my passion
            9. Meditate on peace in my soul

            Comment


            • I have a friend (well, I guess HAD is the correct term) who all of a sudden stopped talking to me. She had developed Hashi's and I had discovered Paleo. I shared with her articles and books that indicated Hashi's and Paleo were soul mates, but apparently it didn't work b/c she just flat out stopped returning my emails, texts and phone calls. Her husband tells me she's just really busy. She even stopped talking to the other gal in our seemingly perfect trio. The other gal (her name is Melanie) tells me to just let her go and when she sees things on FB like you just described, tags me in them, reminding me that this gal isn't worth the effort. But I just can't let her go forever. We were such great friends! So, I understand your torment about whether or not to make contact. I had told myself on her birthday that I wasn't going to reach out to her, but at 11:45 pm, I couldn't avoid it any longer. I left her a note on FB telling her exactly what had happened - that I wasn't planning to contact her b/c it's obvious she's done being friends with me, but my conscience wouldn't allow me to completely ignore her birthday, so I told her HB and said I hope you had a good day, followed by I miss you. Melanie gave me 50 lashes for it, but she also understood.

              Melanie thinks that Crystal (that's the girl who won't talk to us anymore) is having a tough time dealing with her diagnosis and her inability to lose the weight (she went from 120 to 220 in a matter of about 5 years - 75 of it gained in a 2 year span despite her CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY workout and diet routine - which quite frankly probably exacerbated her condition) while Melanie and I can lose weight with relative ease (thanks, Paleo) and as a result she is embarrassed and doesn't want to admit failure, weakness, her struggle, etc. Instead of asking us for support, she pushed us away.

              Like I said, Melanie wants me to let her go, but I'm itching right now to send her an email in the off chance that she'll actually respond... so I know exactly what you're going through regarding "saving" the relationship or "getting back" the relationship you once had. It's hard. I wish you luck with it.
              Primal since March 5, 2012
              SW: 221 | CW: 204 | LPW: 166 | UGW: 140 (80 lbs loss)



              Comment


              • Thanks, Jenn. I'm tired of the chase. I'm always reaching......... always open........... always hoping for something in return. SD is always willing to take what I have to offer, but its never reciprocated. I mean, if I hug her and say I love her, she'll hug back and utter "love you too" ............ but if I make no move for a hug - she walks away without even a glance my way. I think its her way of maintaining the upper hand.

                But I'm done with it.

                In your situation - you keep reaching with no response. If it were me, I'd compose one last heart felt plea. A handwritten note in a nice card. "Friendship is important to me, you're important to me. I don't know why you've pulled away but I will respect your desire to close our friendship. I hope its only temporary, and when you're ready, I will be here. I'll never close the door"

                And then you have to be willing to let it go. If she contacts you at some point, then you can be her friend in whatever way she needs you.
                1. Love ME no matter what noises are screaming at me, or who is trying to tear me down.
                2. Eat to heal
                3. Move to live
                4. Embrace today
                5. Live with intention
                6. Respect my body
                7. Cultivate joy
                8. Find my passion
                9. Meditate on peace in my soul

                Comment


                • Hubby called and suggested we put together a "care box" for SD. Just a few things to help her get started. So I gathered up some stuff -- toilet paper, paper towels, salt and pepper shakers, some canned goods and some frozen meat. Oh, and dish soap and some cleaning stuff.

                  Honestly I can't see her doing much cooking or cleaning. But, whatever, he asked and I did what I could.
                  Last edited by tomi; 08-15-2014, 02:34 PM.
                  1. Love ME no matter what noises are screaming at me, or who is trying to tear me down.
                  2. Eat to heal
                  3. Move to live
                  4. Embrace today
                  5. Live with intention
                  6. Respect my body
                  7. Cultivate joy
                  8. Find my passion
                  9. Meditate on peace in my soul

                  Comment


                  • That's what wives do - support and help our hubbies. Not always what we would like to do, but we do it for them.
                    Female 55
                    Starting wt: 198, Goal: 135, Current with PB: 165
                    Started at a size 16 down to loose 10

                    With PB my asthma has improved, low back pain is gone, & I've got more energy

                    My Primal Journal: http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread60175.html

                    Comment


                    • The people I am talking about are willing to participate when I initiate, set things up, but I am rarely, if ever, asked.

                      I have had people over to my house for lunches, dinners, etc., numerous times. I have invited them out for lunch. They will come. They, however, do not reciprocate. I've even gotten to the point where I have said, the next dinner/lunch invitation is on you. It doesn't happen.

                      Asking for help is very hard for me to do--I hate it. Everyone knows this about me. So when I ask, it is a rare thing and definitely needed. I am tired of being told they'll help and then they don't. I can understand if they can't or don't want to help. All they need to do is be honest. Just don't tell me yes and do no.

                      My injuries have made things more clear.

                      Comment


                      • I stopped at the store on the way home from PT (MY LAST) and bought about $50 worth of groceries for SD. Some easy to make foods that I know she likes. A loaf of bread, pb and grape jelly (her fav). Some pancake mix and syrup. A few other misc things. I gave her a large container of honey from our kitchen, plus a half dozen cans of soup. I took a pic of the 2 very full reusable bags and texted it to her with "bought you some things to get you started". That was 2 hours ago, still no reply. This will be my last and final good will offering to this child. I wash my hands ..............!!!!

                        Marcadav............ that has to be discouraging. My first question is - are they like this with everyone? Some people don't have the gift of initiating get togethers. If this is not the case then I would simple stop asking or desiring to spend time with these people. As for the "help" if they say they will and then they don't........ they aren't true friends. Sad, but we all have those types of people in our lives. And they aren't worth wasting time with in my opinion.

                        Speaking of injuries........... how goes the PT?? I hope you are seeing some improvement.

                        My shoulder is getting stronger and my ROM is at about 85% now. I have been given some do it at home exercises that she says she gives to her top athletes. This because I have made such enormous strides over the past 2 months. Once we got the tendonitis fixed everything fell into place. I'm feeling good about the progress and the coming improvements.
                        1. Love ME no matter what noises are screaming at me, or who is trying to tear me down.
                        2. Eat to heal
                        3. Move to live
                        4. Embrace today
                        5. Live with intention
                        6. Respect my body
                        7. Cultivate joy
                        8. Find my passion
                        9. Meditate on peace in my soul

                        Comment


                        • Thanks! I have stopped reaching out and I've put the repeat "Say yes, do no" offenders on my do not ask list. BTW, these people are not friends, they're family.

                          As for the injuries-- Things are improving. "Graduated" PT for the foot this week. It's still not perfect but therapist thinks I can/will manage the rest at home. He doesn't want to use up too many covered sessions given the shoulder issues. He said he could deal with any flares during my shoulder appts.

                          The shoulder is improving too. I have more periods of "no pain at rest". My range of motion has also improved. Still hoping and working hard to avoid surgery. Therapist feels I have a good chance .

                          Comment


                          • Congrats on ending PT and doing so well.

                            I think the groceries are a good compromise.
                            Primal since 9/24/2010
                            "Our greatest foes, and whom we must chiefly combat, are within." Miguel de Cervantes

                            Created by MyFitnessPal.com - Free Weight Loss Tools
                            MFP username: MDAPebbles67

                            Comment


                            • Originally posted by marcadav View Post
                              Thanks! I have stopped reaching out and I've put the repeat "Say yes, do no" offenders on my do not ask list. BTW, these people are not friends, they're family.

                              As for the injuries-- Things are improving. "Graduated" PT for the foot this week. It's still not perfect but therapist thinks I can/will manage the rest at home. He doesn't want to use up too many covered sessions given the shoulder issues. He said he could deal with any flares during my shoulder appts.

                              The shoulder is improving too. I have more periods of "no pain at rest". My range of motion has also improved. Still hoping and working hard to avoid surgery. Therapist feels I have a good chance .
                              Setting boundaries is a good thing - boundaries on an emotional level I believe are even more important. I'm sorry these people are family......... that makes it even harder to handle

                              Let me encourage you ENORMOUSLY to avoid the shoulder surgery at all cost! Had I been fully away of what it would entail I may have done everything possible to avoid it. Good work on the foot!
                              1. Love ME no matter what noises are screaming at me, or who is trying to tear me down.
                              2. Eat to heal
                              3. Move to live
                              4. Embrace today
                              5. Live with intention
                              6. Respect my body
                              7. Cultivate joy
                              8. Find my passion
                              9. Meditate on peace in my soul

                              Comment


                              • Originally posted by Pebbles67 View Post
                                Congrats on ending PT and doing so well.

                                I think the groceries are a good compromise.
                                Thanks, P. I guess she doesn't respond to her dad's or her sister's texts either. They say about 10% get a response. So, I'm not taking it personally, but I do think that's a very rude way to treat your family. I started to reach for my phone this morning to send her a little encouraging note - but decided not to. And that felt pretty good. No more reaching. No more chasing. No more longing for a mother/daughter type relationship - or even a friendship with this one.

                                Feels good to let that go.
                                1. Love ME no matter what noises are screaming at me, or who is trying to tear me down.
                                2. Eat to heal
                                3. Move to live
                                4. Embrace today
                                5. Live with intention
                                6. Respect my body
                                7. Cultivate joy
                                8. Find my passion
                                9. Meditate on peace in my soul

                                Comment

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