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Fibromyalgia and Fat - Tomi's story

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  • EEESH............... what a rant. I would say sorry to my readers....... but hey, its my journal so I guess I'm allowed. I was actually trying to be careful what I said - I could have really gone off about it all. I tend to flow back and forth between wanting to see him miserable and alone - to hoping he's happy and healthy. Weird.

    I'm feeling weird today. Really puffy............. water retention? and very gassy --- that's very no normal for me. I have had 32 oz of booch today because I didn't have any on Sunday and I was starting to have some intestinal issues. I have got to remember that I need it daily. I can't skip. Its expensive - but its better than being sick.

    I got my jump rope out again. I'm trying it barefoot since I'm jumping in the house. Starting slow....... just 54 jumps, then missed and quit. I may do more when I get home tonight.
    1. Love ME no matter what noises are screaming at me, or who is trying to tear me down.
    2. Eat to heal
    3. Move to live
    4. Embrace today
    5. Live with intention
    6. Respect my body
    7. Cultivate joy
    8. Find my passion
    9. Meditate on peace in my soul

    Comment


    • Rant away tomi. That's what journals are all about.

      Comment


      • Tomi, I understand and relate to everything you said in your rant, except for wanting the ex miserable and alone. I refuse to waste energy on mine in any way. I have, however, said that I hope to live long enough to see karma in action.

        Your son is a self sufficient adult. I see no reason why you need to have any contact with your ex. I suggest you email your son's contact info to him and tell him from now on you will not be the middle man and he should contact/send things his son directly.

        Comment


        • Marcadav --- I've been there too - thinking I will not let what he did to me control or influence my moods or thoughts. I'm usually fine until I have some contact with him, then the pot boils again and I need to blow off some steam. Its all very complicated........... John is 14 years older than me. He dated my oldest sister when they were older teens. I've known him since I was 3 years old. Even after they broke up John stayed in touch with our family. He would usually come to visit us once a year - always in the summer. My entire life John was a man I could trust and felt safe with. He married briefly in his late 20's but quickly divorced her when he realized it was a big mistake. He called my mom one year........ found out I was now 21 and decided to ask me out...... he was 35. I had just been dumped by my now hubby........... was very vulnerable, and feeling very alone and scared. John came in and swept me off my feet -- we were married 6 months after we started seeing each other. Fast forward 18 years............ our relationship fell apart when I finally realized he really didn't want more than a woman to cook and clean for him and to provide for his sexual needs. Eighteen years of an empty relationship! I felt betrayed, I felt lied too, and I felt used and mistreated......... by the only man in my entire life that I believed I could completely trust!!!! My world fell apart. So - I still struggle with wanting to trust a man who is totally untrustworthy. My memories up until I was 21 were of a man who was kind and gentle and caring. After I married him I started to see the truth, but I chose to deny what I saw and continue to believe that he was that kind, gentle man from my childhood. By the age of 35 I started to take off the blinders. We went to counseling and did all the stuff that you're supposed to do to save a marriage - but you can't fix something when only one side wants to change. At the age of 40 I said enough is enough.............. and soon after Hubby came back into my life. 20 years after he had walked out. Perfect timing!

          So - my emotions that are tied to my ex are all mixed up and confusing. I guess what I need to do is reconcile the fact that what I had thought was the truth about him was really just my own imagination.
          1. Love ME no matter what noises are screaming at me, or who is trying to tear me down.
          2. Eat to heal
          3. Move to live
          4. Embrace today
          5. Live with intention
          6. Respect my body
          7. Cultivate joy
          8. Find my passion
          9. Meditate on peace in my soul

          Comment


          • Its a beautiful morning and I'm getting my bike out of the garage!

            HOLY BURRRR! It might be sunny - but it sure isn't warm! 45 degrees is maybe to cold to ride in........
            Last edited by tomi; 10-30-2013, 11:33 AM.
            1. Love ME no matter what noises are screaming at me, or who is trying to tear me down.
            2. Eat to heal
            3. Move to live
            4. Embrace today
            5. Live with intention
            6. Respect my body
            7. Cultivate joy
            8. Find my passion
            9. Meditate on peace in my soul

            Comment


            • Note to self: buy a sports bra that has front snappy things. With my should issues I can't put on or take off a sports bra by myself. No jump rope until I find a new bra!
              1. Love ME no matter what noises are screaming at me, or who is trying to tear me down.
              2. Eat to heal
              3. Move to live
              4. Embrace today
              5. Live with intention
              6. Respect my body
              7. Cultivate joy
              8. Find my passion
              9. Meditate on peace in my soul

              Comment


              • I completely understand your thoughts, feelings, sense of betrayal, being lied to, used... I also get that you probably loved the man you thought he was, could/should be, not who he really was.

                What the breakup of my 20 year marriage taught me, the hard way, is that when people show you who they are, believe them. And, red flags are not just pretty things blowing in the wind. They are warnings that need to be taken seriously.

                Comment


                • Originally posted by marcadav View Post
                  I completely understand your thoughts, feelings, sense of betrayal, being lied to, used... I also get that you probably loved the man you thought he was, could/should be, not who he really was.

                  What the breakup of my 20 year marriage taught me, the hard way, is that when people show you who they are, believe them. And, red flags are not just pretty things blowing in the wind. They are warnings that need to be taken seriously.
                  Amen, Sista!!!!! and yes - I loved who I though/wanted him to be -- it was a tough realization at a pivotal point in my life. I was turning 40, graduating from Boise State, and getting a divorce - all within a 2 month time frame. Talk about stress! I had not been on my own since I was 20 - and now I had to take care of myself and my teenaged son. No wonder my adrenals took a nose dive and my thyroid quit working! That's exactly when I started putting on weight and couldn't stop the train! UGH!

                  I'm sorry you experienced a similar thing............ people can be so awful to each other. I think you have learned how to deal with it better than I have.
                  1. Love ME no matter what noises are screaming at me, or who is trying to tear me down.
                  2. Eat to heal
                  3. Move to live
                  4. Embrace today
                  5. Live with intention
                  6. Respect my body
                  7. Cultivate joy
                  8. Find my passion
                  9. Meditate on peace in my soul

                  Comment


                  • Just realized today is my 2 year primalversary. TWO years............... WHY am I still FAT! ????? DAMN IT!

                    Time to get this right and see some results.

                    No more fiddle farting around.......... I accomplished 1/2 my goals........ I beat the fibro crap! Now I need to accomplish the other 1/2 and find a healthy weight and lifestyle.

                    This is it people............. this is my kickoff! I'm gonna start seeing some touchdowns!
                    1. Love ME no matter what noises are screaming at me, or who is trying to tear me down.
                    2. Eat to heal
                    3. Move to live
                    4. Embrace today
                    5. Live with intention
                    6. Respect my body
                    7. Cultivate joy
                    8. Find my passion
                    9. Meditate on peace in my soul

                    Comment


                    • Originally posted by tomi View Post
                      Amen, Sista!!!!! and yes - I loved who I though/wanted him to be -- it was a tough realization at a pivotal point in my life. I was turning 40, graduating from Boise State, and getting a divorce - all within a 2 month time frame. Talk about stress! I had not been on my own since I was 20 - and now I had to take care of myself and my teenaged son. No wonder my adrenals took a nose dive and my thyroid quit working! That's exactly when I started putting on weight and couldn't stop the train! UGH!

                      I'm sorry you experienced a similar thing............ people can be so awful to each other. I think you have learned how to deal with it better than I have.
                      I had more "stuff" to deal with that made it clear what I needed to do. I was in therapy before, during, and after things blew up so that helped and kept me from doing/saying something I would regret. And, my ex continued to make it obvious who he is--someone I want nothing to do with.

                      Comment


                      • Originally posted by tomi View Post
                        Just realized today is my 2 year primalversary. TWO years............... WHY am I still FAT! ????? DAMN IT!

                        Time to get this right and see some results.

                        No more fiddle farting around.......... I accomplished 1/2 my goals........ I beat the fibro crap! Now I need to accomplish the other 1/2 and find a healthy weight and lifestyle.

                        This is it people............. this is my kickoff! I'm gonna start seeing some touchdowns!
                        I'm rootin' for ya tomi!! And I'm with you in spirit! I need to get this figured out too!!! We both started around the same time I think last year...& I'm still fat too!! Granted I'm not back to where I started...but am nooooowhere near where I wanted to be by now. Hell I'm still in the "two's"... I'd at least love to be in the high "ones"!!

                        We'll get there...it's just gonna take us a little bit longer.
                        Goal: Don't worry be happy!

                        Comment


                        • Marks post was fitting today............. how to manage the cravings.

                          I've been wanting cookies and pie lately! Even though I KNOW without a doubt that kind of "food" will make me feel like crap. I still have a hankering for it.

                          I'm considering quitting the trial of hormones. The hot flashed have stopped but the libido is still MIA. I can live with the night sweats.......... my goal was to find my mojo again. Maybe I need more than the lowest dose for that to happen. I see doc on the 5th and we'll talk about what to do. I'm definitely not continuing with the patch though --- the damn thing only stays on for 2-3 days at a time and it leaves behind a ring of disgusting goo where its been applied. I'll try the cream next I guess. I can put it on first thing in the morning and I shouldn't "contaminate" hubby with it.

                          I have to wonder if the hormones have caused the weight gain......... honestly though - I think it was just the snacking too much on cashews. Gain it keep it......... that seems to be my bodies motto. UGH! I HATE BEING A FATSO!!!!!!

                          I'm going for a bike ride...........
                          1. Love ME no matter what noises are screaming at me, or who is trying to tear me down.
                          2. Eat to heal
                          3. Move to live
                          4. Embrace today
                          5. Live with intention
                          6. Respect my body
                          7. Cultivate joy
                          8. Find my passion
                          9. Meditate on peace in my soul

                          Comment


                          • Originally posted by tomi View Post
                            Marks post was fitting today............. how to manage the cravings.

                            I've been wanting cookies and pie lately! Even though I KNOW without a doubt that kind of "food" will make me feel like crap. I still have a hankering for it.

                            I'm considering quitting the trial of hormones. The hot flashed have stopped but the libido is still MIA. I can live with the night sweats.......... my goal was to find my mojo again. Maybe I need more than the lowest dose for that to happen. I see doc on the 5th and we'll talk about what to do. I'm definitely not continuing with the patch though --- the damn thing only stays on for 2-3 days at a time and it leaves behind a ring of disgusting goo where its been applied. I'll try the cream next I guess. I can put it on first thing in the morning and I shouldn't "contaminate" hubby with it.

                            I have to wonder if the hormones have caused the weight gain......... honestly though - I think it was just the snacking too much on cashews. Gain it keep it......... that seems to be my bodies motto. UGH! I HATE BEING A FATSO!!!!!!

                            I'm going for a bike ride...........
                            Tomi, did your doctor test free testosterone? Women need that hormone too and it can be low in women, especially over 50.

                            I've never done the patch. I've done compounded progesterone and testosterone creams, as well as estradiol and progesterone (prometrium) in pill form. I prefer the pills.

                            Comment


                            • Me too tomi! I'm not a big pie fan but love homemade cookies & my cinnamon rolls. Maybe it's because the holidays are closing in on us & there is a nip in the air! I love to bake & am so in the mood (for baking!!) lol. Fall always seems to do that to me. I've been perusing cookbooks...which is probably dangerous! I will probably be baking some of my Christmas gifts this year, so am looking for some good ideas. My baby brother asks me for the same thing every year...Ranger Cookies & my dilled okra! lol so no worries there.

                              Unfortunately I'm the only one in the family watching what I eat (or trying to). *sigh*

                              Enjoy the rest of your evening!!!
                              Goal: Don't worry be happy!

                              Comment


                              • When I was using both the birth control patch and the nicotine patches, I always had to place it on my chest, under the chest strap on my bra. That was the only way they'd stay on all week long. I eventually stopped using the birth control patch b/c I didn't trust it to work. I felt better KNOWING the hormones were in my body by physically swallowing a pill/taking a shot.

                                And it will probably take more than a month for your libido to come back. Even with supplemental hormones, things aren't going to be fixed in a short time.
                                Primal since March 5, 2012
                                SW: 221 | CW: 204 | LPW: 166 | UGW: 140 (80 lbs loss)



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