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Monday Is The Day!/ NoSaladWithoutMeat

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  • Goodbye, for good this time.

    Anyway, my birthday was yesterday. Or... nope, just a regular day that I started with crying in bed and feeling sorry for myself (like I said, a regular day). The thing is, when you don't believe in God or that anything will ever change (it hasn't for the past 8 years) you realize that you're crying in an empty space, to no one, and how useless it is. It stopped being an emotional relief and just this physical response that you don't understand or need anymore.
    There's no catharsis, which is why, I think everything always fails. I'm stressed and anxious and depressed and there's no permanent outlet or relief.

    In the morning my extended family came. They ate, and left 30 minutes later. My mom, aunt and cousin spent the rest of the day/night talking about my cousin's boyfriend (and her many ex-boyfriends); I tried to hate her because she's tall, has a nice bod and basically makes me invisible when we go out (her long legs and big breasts stop traffic!), but I can't hate her. She's a sweet girl, and why, why do we do that anyway? We're all sisters. Having a female bff was something I always wanted and never had.
    Jealousy is a waste of my time. I can't inflate my boobs or grow 20 inches, and I can't keep hating myself either (but I do, oh so freaking much).

    Since my birthday expired today (and not a minute later) we all went shopping with my cousin.
    I'd probably be jealous of her buying things if I wasn't so fucking obese.
    And that's when I got enlightened (I wasn't telling you all this just to make you feel sorry for me).
    I looked in the mirror, I tried a size 9 (waaaaaaaaaaaay too small) and I was shocked.

    I had no idea I looked like that. I had no idea I'm that... big! I can't explain it but I've got probably some mild case of body dismorphia (which is why I care so much about what people think, it defines my reality because I can't believe my brain anymore).
    It's a double edged sword because either I lose weight and I'm look just as fat to myself (unless I look at pictures months later and realize, gee, I was actually in good shape), or I'm getting fatter by the second and I'm completely oblivious because I've stopped caring and think I'm okay.

    I'm not okay.
    What the fuck am I doing? NOTHING.
    What has MDA done for me lately? Not a whole lot.
    Plus, I'm just in the gutter right now and I don't want to spread this vile self pity everywhere (I guess this would be the last time).
    I hate that I do that, and I only do that because there's no one else to talk to. There's just literally no one.

    I've always thought about having my picture on the MDA success corner, but it won't happen.
    I declare this MDA journal a FAILURE.

    I tried to delete my account today and I can't... So I'll have to disappear into thin air and have this as a nice reminder for those who thought I was funny in a whiny pathetic kinda way when back when.
    I don't know what I'll do now, but if you're ever in town or want to keep in touch, here's my email:
    Ally.Makher@gmail.com

    Good luck lovely ladies and gentlemen, from the bottom of my heart! <3
    "The penis is the male animal-flower, a soft-firm dildo, a warm dream."
    -Raymond Peat, PhD

    Comment


    • I'm sorry to see you go. It seems like you could use some outside help and I hope you will seek it. You do deserve it. From what I've seen here, you've got an awesome personality and are someone I would not mind chatting with IRL. I'm not really good with email correspondence, so let me know if you ever move to the states/Boston area
      Depression Lies

      Comment


      • Meats,

        You know that I will always love you. You deserve to be happy and that's why I hope you do something to lift yourself up. I dragged my ass out of cutting my own wrists and I know you have the gumption to pull out of your tailspin. Life is beautiful, there is so much love and joy just waiting for you. I will surely stay in touch. I hope some day we can meet.
        Notebook of a Nutrition Nerd

        ‘THE FOOD YOU EAT CAN BE THE SAFEST AND MOST POWERFUL FORM OF MEDICINE OR THE SLOWEST RELEASING POISON' - Dr Ann Wigmore.

        Comment


        • Oh Shit.

          What an ugly ass journal.

          Is everyone dead?

          I came in search of some info. I think CilliKat once wrote me a doozy of a post outlining EPA/ DHA ratio and other stuff. I had it saved somewhere but I can't find it.

          But good luck finding it this street-car-named-car-crash of a journal... ;/

          I'm still fat. Fatter than ever actually. (BIGGER, BETTER AND FAT FOR EVER).
          Long story.

          I'm still depressed but for other reasons now (I hate this city and I'm trying to claw my way out) but hopefully this problem will solve itself in 6 months time.

          I have neighbours that daily test my racial tolerance.

          SHUT UP YOU FUCKING ARAB WITH YOUR DAMN ARAB MUSIC AND THE SMOKING THAT SIPS ITS WAY TO MY KITCHEN AND ENGULFS MY ENTIRE HOUSE IN FUMES!!!

          *Ahem*
          *Continues to sip tea with pinky up*

          Downstairs there are a bunch of dicks that get together, smoke a bunch of weed and start rapping in French (yes you read that right: French) very loudly.

          This is precisely what happens when you have no access to female company. DON'T LET THAT HAPPEN TO YOU!

          I have to keep reminding myself that if I don't die from second hand smoke or get convicted for double homicide I will have the opportunity to frolic in Alberta's green fields and chase chubby grass-fed cows.

          I'm in my last university year. Shocking, I know. If I'd decided to get a Masters you'd probably see me trotting to my classes with a cane and a hunched back. I'm such a prock-rust-inator.

          I still don't have friends, but I choose to blame it on external factors and not my misunderstood yet oh-so-charming personality ;D

          I have a cat now. And the reason I'm writing here now is because I've noticed that I care more about feeding the good stuff to this demon in furry disguise than I care about feeding myself.

          His name is Pocket. He's the light of my life (fire in my loins, Po-cke--- UH, SAY WHAT?!).

          Sorry BF. You're cool too. GIVE ME MORE SEX THOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >;o

          Anyway, I tried exercising today and I failed. 6 times. I kept stopping and sitting on the floor, and at the end I couldn't even do the cool down. I guess things are as bad as they look in the mirror.

          But I'm trying to break the cycle with a 30 day challenge. *fingers and toes crossed*

          The demon pretending to be cute and vulnerable so it can exploit your weaknesses:


          The demon in its true form:
          "The penis is the male animal-flower, a soft-firm dildo, a warm dream."
          -Raymond Peat, PhD

          Comment


          • MEATY!
            *Engulfs in hugs and kisses*
            Glad to see you back from the dead. I know you can kick that 30 Day challenge's ass!
            Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
            My Latest Journal

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            • Hey Meaty Good luck with your challenge! We are here for ya. Adorable demon, btw.
              Depression Lies

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              • Welcome back! Good luck on the 30 day challenge. BTW...Pocket is rather cute for a demon

                Comment


                • Originally posted by canio6 View Post
                  Welcome back! Good luck on the 30 day challenge. BTW...Pocket is rather cute for a demon
                  Oh, he's a demon all right. He pounces on unsuspecting people, he bites constantly, he's spoiled, finicky about food (EAT THE DAMN LIVER CAT!) and refuses to be held or petted, unless he feels like getting petted at 6am in which case he'll sit on your face and purr like a rusty chainsaw until you oblige.

                  Are these not the characteristics of a demon?
                  "The penis is the male animal-flower, a soft-firm dildo, a warm dream."
                  -Raymond Peat, PhD

                  Comment


                  • Originally posted by namelesswonder View Post
                    Hey Meaty Good luck with your challenge! We are here for ya. Adorable demon, btw.
                    Why does day 2 feels like day 23? ;D
                    "The penis is the male animal-flower, a soft-firm dildo, a warm dream."
                    -Raymond Peat, PhD

                    Comment


                    • Naiad, I've missed you! There were times when I really needed an intimate date with that clue bat...
                      "The penis is the male animal-flower, a soft-firm dildo, a warm dream."
                      -Raymond Peat, PhD

                      Comment


                      • A Long One, I Know... 3 days in 1.

                        First, my challenge rules. These may seem OCD to you, but knowing the Meaty of olden days you'd realize that I've considerably toned down my neurotics.

                        30 Day Challenge Rules:

                        {Do's}
                        Drink: Water, Black Coffee, Tea.
                        Food: Meat, Poultry, Fish, Seafood, Eggs, Greens, Veggies, Full Fat Dairy, Berries, Butter/ Tallow, Honey (1-2tsp. daily).
                        + [24IFs] Monday & Thursday (6pm to 6pm)

                        {Don'ts}
                        NO sugar (-ose), NO potatoes, NO corn, NO rice, NO wheat, NO snacks, NO smoked or processed meat, NO low-fat dairy, NO fruit.

                        {Exercise}
                        Jillian Micheal's "Ripped in 30". Tues-Fri (4 times a week).

                        And that's all folks!

                        Some of you might wonder in a Batman villain fashion "Why so VLC-ous?" (or why I make some ambiguous jokes and references? BUT I'LL NEVER TELL!!!!)

                        As much as I'd love to eat yams and brown rice or even fruit, I literally can't lose weight unless I'm VLC.
                        In fact, with VLC I lose maximum 1 pound per week. It's really frustrating because I can gain weight practically looking at something carby...
                        No, I don't have thyroid problems. And maybe it's indirectly caused by my abuse of VLC and SAD, jumping from one extreme to another, but there's no real proof that I've found to this.

                        Also, I have PCOS (haven't gotten my period since... Oh, 8 months now?) and once I get my hormones in check (which happened with Primal before) I might be able to lose weight more steadily.
                        In fact, unlike most people my plateau is at the beginning and then the thinner I get the easier it is for me to lose weight. I'm a freak of nature ;D

                        My goals are really simple:

                        (1) Get rid of cravings: I hope that after these 30 days I will consider the turmoil and suffering that got me to get rid of them and think twice or thrice of 5 times before I eat something crappy.

                        (2) Learn to love exercise: People always say exercise doesn't make you lose weight, it's your diet. But lo and behold, I'm a freak on all fronts... The only time I ever remember myself thin or healthy was when I was exercising regularly notwithstanding my diet of the month. I want to get to a point where exercise is a hobbie, where I'm excited to try something new each month. (I know these people, they exist!)

                        ***

                        I'm not cutting out dairy because without it I don't see myself being able to do the 30 day challenge. This includes cream, butter, cheese and 10% greek yogurt. Not too bad.

                        ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                        Day 1: I had chicken and bacon tossed in butter with some onions and tomatoes. Also made guac from an avocado I found in the fridge. I exercised, if you can call it that... I did 50% of the video (I was tired after arm crosses...) and felt like a fat failure, but this was quickly overtaken by dizziness and wanting to throw up, so I got over it.

                        Then I had blue cheese sauce with carrots and celery stalks, some berries and cream and a beef soup. I put that blue cheese sauce on everything (my BF made it ;D). It's the only way I'll eat vegetables.
                        ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                        Day 2: Barely slept, but woke up at 12:30 to get to my class. (There was a giant truck drilling something under my window since 7am.) For some odd reason an obnoxious classmate stopped me for chit-chat. I don't like my last two classes, and one of them I can't tolerate at all. The prose class is filled with pompous hipsters and 19 year olds who can barely construct a sentence yet think their input is important to me... I hate having to listen them and I don't like that my teacher spews the same sentence every class "...But is it BELIEVABLE?". [That's what happens when a university cheaps out on getting professors with ACTUAL Phds, and gets all these random writerly types to come in, barely sober, to impart some vague wisdom on students who can barely afford the tuition (no, actually that might just be me)]

                        /end rant.

                        Now Student loans from two different provinces are on my ass, and I'm not even fucking done. Fuck, can I get my money back because I don't see how any of the money I spent would aid me in getting a job, yet now I have to pay interest... With what? A pound of flesh?

                        Anyway, I was freezing talking to this classmate and his oddly dressed chick friend (I think she wore an old prom dress and a cape), about their hipster stories (vomit soup, guy picking his nose, inanimate object interacting) and trying not to inhale cigarette smoke. Then I went home. Had soup, blue cheese sauce and got bitten by the demon (boy, that sounds like a country love song).

                        Gawd, my body hurts. It's so stiff I honestly don't know how I can do any better than yesterday... Can I please be at the point where I can actually finish the video from top to bottom without stopping? It makes me feel obese (which I guess I am). >;c

                        Tomorrow is the hated class. Gawd, I hate it... I hate it I hate it I hate it.

                        The Arab (which will now and forever be called that) upstairs is listening to his obnoxious dance/ trance/ whiny Arab music where a man is moaning like a wounded goat and I have to do my homework for the aforementioned hated class.
                        I swear to God, man, the Arab and his friends need to get with the times...
                        Last week I heard them singing to Limp Bizkit's "Keep Rolling" (which sounded like Kcheeep Rrrrrrolen rrrrolen rrrolen). It's like if you're gonna be an asshat and play loud music, at least play something decent!

                        AUGH!

                        Off to suffer to the voice of Jillian Micheal's. The only part I like about it is that she constantly hits on her female sidekicks... >;D
                        "The penis is the male animal-flower, a soft-firm dildo, a warm dream."
                        -Raymond Peat, PhD

                        Comment


                        • It's difficult to track this shit down.

                          So Day 2
                          I actually was able to do 85% of the moves and only stopped during circuit two ('running man', push ups and side planks are too difficult).

                          But then today, Day 3 I totally bombed. I stopped constantly during cardio and I couldn't go down as low.
                          But consider the fact my muscles ache so much I can barely lower myself on the toilet and was walking to school like a rusty tinman. I'm also doing a fast today, so my crap effort is appropriate.

                          How are people who haven't exercised for years supposed to do it 5 times a week as Jillian recommends? She keeps saying, "400 pound people can do it, so can you!" but really? I mean don't they get a day of rest in between? What do you do when you're having serious muscle pains and need to exercise?

                          So, I'm fasting today. Yesterday I had the usual stuff that's in my fridge: berries, cream, beef soup, blue cheese sauce. And I also ate some sunflower seeds, which are technically off limits, but they only had a bit of salt and I was snacky.

                          Due to the Arab and the drilling outside my window (thanks city of Montreal, you never seem to dilute my hate for you) I was sleep deprived when I went to class.
                          I came home and I just fell on the bed and passed out. I hate fucking up my sleeping schedule but I have no choice, as much as I have no choice to inhale cigarette smoke in my fucking apartment while I exercise.

                          My bf, who's technically a New Yorker, says in the US we could sue this guy (he also thinks it would be a good idea if the US took over Canada completely >;D).
                          But sadly, I live in Quebec, which is a frog-infested twilight zone where inhabitants of that same English speaking country cannot find a job.
                          Next time Quebec tried to separate I will vote "Fuck yeah, so long suckers!"

                          I guess the Demon is not all bad. He tried to save me from the bath water during my post exercise shower. He tried to come inside the bath but was terrified, but he kept trying! A valiant effort for a cat who's morbidly terrified of water.
                          Speaking of terrified, he would meow when I was behind the shower curtain but when I opened it to show him I was still there he freaked out.
                          I guess me does not equal me covered in soap.

                          Oh. This is hilarious
                          Last edited by NoSaladWithoutMeat; 11-22-2013, 02:53 AM.
                          "The penis is the male animal-flower, a soft-firm dildo, a warm dream."
                          -Raymond Peat, PhD

                          Comment


                          • I just wanted to pipe up and say I too am a freak of nature. Doesn't matter if it's strict paleo or "too much fruit and dairy" primal. And I'm in the army, so you'd think working out would be stupid easy. NOOOOO, it has to be super strategic, specific working out, and then, maybe, I'll lose a pound a week max.

                            Bluh.

                            I don't know what a Canadian size 9 is, but living in a country where the sizes actually stop at medium is pretty bad for self esteem too, I feel you.

                            Comment


                            • (I couldn't watch the whole video.... his kitchen... was so dirty... my OCD... *sob*)

                              Comment


                              • Originally posted by RittenRemedy View Post
                                I just wanted to pipe up and say I too am a freak of nature. Doesn't matter if it's strict paleo or "too much fruit and dairy" primal. And I'm in the army, so you'd think working out would be stupid easy. NOOOOO, it has to be super strategic, specific working out, and then, maybe, I'll lose a pound a week max.

                                Bluh.

                                I don't know what a Canadian size 9 is, but living in a country where the sizes actually stop at medium is pretty bad for self esteem too, I feel you.
                                Yes, if I lived in Korea my depression would reach new lows. Every time I get distracted by the clothes in Chinatown I have to stop myself from coming in out of fear an old Asian lady will give me a once over and say "Yu too fat".

                                (In fact, all old grandma types have the same reaction. My grandma saw me on skype and started crying, saying I was obese. Everyone in Ukraine is manufactured to be tall and skinny.)
                                "The penis is the male animal-flower, a soft-firm dildo, a warm dream."
                                -Raymond Peat, PhD

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