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Monday Is The Day!/ NoSaladWithoutMeat

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    I'm in "call sequence" right now for some dumbfounding government CRA problem. The duck talk is NOT helping.

    Ever since I had it, two days ago I can't help but remember the crunchy, sweet, fatty taste of it fondly


    I get the feeling the fashion rant would take place in my journal, as most rants do... the last one about music had lasted for a few pages!


    Oh man, I can't wait for my friend to come visit me in a week or so, I'll take the opportunity to eat duck the whole week.

    I won't roast it though, because I don't trust myself with something that tasty!


    Ice, so what do we have on have menu for the summer... Korean BBQ, duck, rabbit... we must add sushi to the mix :P

    I finally got paid, so if I use my money wisely we might get a walkabout planned after all! :]

    "The penis is the male animal-flower, a soft-firm dildo, a warm dream."
    -Raymond Peat, PhD

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      This duck talk is not helping my IF


      What are you getting paid for?

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        For being a penniless student.


        I just realized I have serious psychological issues.

        Basically I went to the grocery store today and I got sugar cravings.

        I was going to buy Maple syrup, but EVERYTHING looked so appealing at the time that my eyes were playing ping-pong with the baked goods section.

        Then I stumbled on a cheap dark chocolate bar, so I took it. Then I saw more chocolates and I took them too... And... well, etc.

        I come home with 17 chocolate bars, useless stuff I don't need and didn't intend to buy and minus 100$, which I actually fucking need.

        And the entire time while scanning all this useless junk at the self-checkout I'm thinking how I don't need this and I will take some out.


        What. The. Hell. Is. Wrong. With. Me?!


        It's not bingeing so much as intentional, masochistic self-sabotage and the necessity to do something bad.

        I've always had it, and hoped I would some day outgrow it... but no such luck.

        I intentionally screw relationships up.

        If I get something I wanted for a long time, which I usually do for some miraculous and mysterious reason, I sabotage it.

        If I make friends who I actually like I drive them away...

        If I'm having a good day I'll intentionally put myself down.


        Will this ever stop? :/


        Lately I haven't only been taking it out on myself and I realized I constantly put down someone really close to me. I never do that to anyone else, but because I love him so much and feel like he's a part of me I treat him more like I treat myself.

        I hate that I do that... But like at the grocery store today, I can't stop myself even though I am aware that I'm doing it and have that little voice in my head that's screaming "STOP! STOP! What are you doing?! You were doing so well!!!"


        I ate 4 pieces of chocolate on a bench at some random park.

        But I was going to eat all 15 just to really fuck myself over.

        I don't know how, but somehow I've managed to stop at four.

        The pathetic thing is that it tasted bad. And I didn't want to eat it, but a voice in my head kept on daring and pestering me to shoot myself in the leg.


        :'(

        "The penis is the male animal-flower, a soft-firm dildo, a warm dream."
        -Raymond Peat, PhD

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          I hate when things spiral out of control! I sometimes find myself eating for the sake of eating and in my head I am telling myself that I don't even need or want this but it doesn't stop. It is getting better but it is still frustrating as hell! Stick with it! It sounds like you had a good few days and even sprinted though so just try to remember the accomplishments you have had!

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            <3


            Don&#39;t worry too much about your &#39;psychological issues.&#39; One of my fav quotes is by lewis carrol:


            &#39;But I don&#39;t want to go among mad people,&#39; said Alice. &#39;Oh, you can&#39;t help that,&#39; said the cat. &#39;We&#39;re all mad here.&#39;


            It might feel like you&#39;re the only one, but I always like to say that everyone has their own fcked up problems, secretly or not. *hugs. I used to be the exact same way, caught in cyles of self-sabotage (and I could psychoanalyze it for you till the sun goes down


            Hang in there darlin. Hey, at least you had the willpower to stop. It could have been a lot worse, no? Nothings changed-you&#39;re still on the right track. Back at it tomorw!

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              I do stuff like that from time to time. LOL Iceskater, I do love that quote from the chesire cat.


              A friend of mine always says, "Everyone&#39;s crazy. Some just hide it better than others." I believe it.


              That&#39;s right. None of us are flawless. It really helps to realize everyone else is just as screwed up as we are.

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                Smoked salmon,

                Veggies,

                Some more veggies (I think they included green beans)

                2 veal round thingys (one of them nearly raw for breakfast, mmm veal)

                the other one in soup,

                fat milk-pudding thingy

                chocolate.


                I gave all my chocolate away to my parents. Mainly because it tasted gross...

                Could I, in my insanity, buy some good chocolate at least? GOSH.


                My skin got better. I was avoiding mentioning it before because it&#39;s not &#39;perfect&#39;. But I have no active acne, just scars and blackheads.

                This might change of course because of the massive amounts of chocolate and the breaded chicken.

                Ew.

                But if I bitch slap myself for being so negative, things will start to become very clear- my skin is a lot better. Even the texture and the tone, considering that it&#39;s been roughly a weak it&#39;s pretty cool.


                I still think I look like a whale. And I hate my arms. And my face. So I&#39;m thinking, even if my acne cleared my face is still painful to look at, so why bother?


                I am a fucking ray of sunshine today.


                I made my mom buy me a conventional Pore Cleanser (Biore) and now my chin and mouth are pink. It looks like I just ate a strawberry pie with my hands behind my back and the strawberry colour won&#39;t come off.

                Any better, more natural ideas?


                I went for a walk, I did my exercise. I feel like it&#39;s really pathetic because I don&#39;t feel anything after I&#39;m done with it. I have no sore muscles or anything, I feel like I just marched a little and laid on the floor doing awkward positions for giggles.

                Yet I don&#39;t want to give up, because maybe it&#39;ll get harder. Not to mention some of the exercises I can&#39;t even do!

                Man, I don&#39;t know.


                I&#39;ve been in a crappy mood (gee, you can tell?!). And people aren&#39;t making it better. Sometimes I don&#39;t see the point of having friends because aside from using you and causing unnecessary drama, they have no use at all.

                Like why even visit me in Montreal? I&#39;m not in any illusion that this is a friendly visit, I know that my tiny apartment is just a place to stay on a personal vacation. Especially since none of these people thought it was important enough to show up for my goodbye party (or cancelled the same day, even though the get together was OUTSIDE THEIR APARTMENT) I get bitched at for not accommodating their specific requests.

                Really, I&#39;m giving up on finding reliable, good people in my zip code because that never fucking works.


                I&#39;ve depressed myself enough for now.

                Laters.

                "The penis is the male animal-flower, a soft-firm dildo, a warm dream."
                -Raymond Peat, PhD

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                  Augh, I can&#39;t shake off this gross, negative feeling for days now.

                  I don&#39;t know what to do :/


                  I have to make myself journal because I so don&#39;t feel like it.


                  I&#39;m not sure if it&#39;s all the crap I&#39;ve been eating as much as my self-esteem and pure frustration! I don&#39;t feel like PB is doing anything...

                  And I have to stop myself when I say this since I got my period back and my skin is clearer (but this might be temporary)... so why do I feel this way?

                  I look in the mirror and I hate what I see.

                  I hate my face and I don&#39;t think it being clearer makes a difference. It&#39;s still fat looking and makes me feel like a bubble-head!

                  Every time my mom is parading in her underwear (don&#39;t ask) I can&#39;t help but think "it&#39;s so unfair!". She&#39;s older, she eats like 10 times more than I do and shouldn&#39;t I get her genes anyway? But I&#39;m the fat person in my family and I always get lectured about it, as if it&#39;s my fault... and I&#39;m so sick of it.

                  Because so what if I lose all the weigh, which is highly unlikely, I&#39;ll still be the same ugly old me?

                  "The penis is the male animal-flower, a soft-firm dildo, a warm dream."
                  -Raymond Peat, PhD

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                    Don&#39;t get so down on yourself. I&#39;m in a similar slump but I always just think about the future when I&#39;ll look awesome and drop the jaws of all my exes and friends I haven&#39;t seen in a while!


                    As for good chocolate: do yourself a favor and get the Pralus 100% and the Rogue 70% Sambirano. Two of the best chocolates I&#39;ve ever tasted and I consider myself somewhat of a chocolate connoisseur.

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                      Sometimes I fall into this thinking of self-loathing and disgust. It&#39;s not a fun place to be.


                      Sometimes you have to remove yourself from it all. Just step back and tell yourself "Stop. Just Stop." For me, I have to remind myself that the Goddess is beautiful in all her forms, and that I am an image of the Goddess. Even if I am imperfect, flabby and jiggly in all the wrong places. It&#39;s about finding your own divinity, finding a love and appreciation of self with all your flaws.


                      Not one person on this planet is perfect. Some may seem perfect but they&#39;ve got things they hate about themselves too. To be honest, I hated myself when I was 250 lbs. There were many, many days I just wanted to will myself to die. I hated everything about me. It wasn&#39;t until I changed my mindset and found self appreciation, and felt like a daughter of the goddess, that I started to lose weight and live better. I would never have gotten this far if I didn&#39;t always remind myself that the flaws don&#39;t matter, that *I* matter as me, my spirit, my self... not the flesh I carry.


                      I&#39;m sorry if I seem like I&#39;m going into a lecture. I just wish I could help. I&#39;ve had those really shitty thoughts about myself and I won&#39;t do that to myself anymore. I don&#39;t want you to think that way about yourself either. We&#39;re all goddesses and we should celebrate our gift. <3

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                        I know it&#39;s harder to stop being hard on yourself than it looks. But try!


                        And it may take time. A lot of what&#39;s going on with you could be due to wierd hormone imbalances and all kinds of things going on with your body that take time to fix-- even if you eat perfectly.


                        As for friends... I&#39;ve had those kinds of friends, too, they suck big donkey B@LL$.


                        Just sayin&#39;. There will always be those people that try to take take take and they never give. As you get older it gets easier to tell them to shove it.


                        Honestly, it&#39;s one of the best things about getting older! Recognizing people you don&#39;t need in your life and removing them. I do let them know why, but usually they don&#39;t get it. Meh. Who cares.


                        There are good, cool people out there. You just have to sort through the riff raff to find them.


                        Not sure if you already take fish oil, but high doses of EPA and DHA can really help with depression. Just a thought... sometimes helping with the physical stuff helps you manage the mental stuff better.


                        Don&#39;t try to tell me this around my time of the month tho :-/


                        Honestly I think I don&#39;t get as irritated by a lot of stuff nowadays is because I&#39;ve gotten old and tired and it takes too much energy :-)...

                        sigpic "Boy I got vision and the rest of the world is wearing bifocals" - Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid

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                          May the mighty heavens split open and God step down from his cloud and smite me with his divine powers AND MAKE ME FREAKING EXERCISE!


                          I can&#39;t do it. And I know it&#39;s only half an hour and it&#39;s easy and actually enjoyable but I&#39;m in such a drought that I just can&#39;t make myself do anything!

                          Sometimes I don&#39;t feel like cooking even though I&#39;m starving.

                          I&#39;ve been eating apples and Macadamia butter for days because it&#39;s easy.

                          Other than that I&#39;ve been keeping my carbs under 50 and my calories under 1500 (sometimes lower than 1000) because I&#39;m afraid I&#39;ll gain weight.


                          I weighed myself last week, against my better judgement, and I&#39;ve gained a pound. Then I freaked out because I realized I&#39;ve been eating well over 2000 calories, thinking eating Primal will magically work itself out.


                          I&#39;m sorry... But I don&#39;t see PB doing any miraculous things to my weight and body so I&#39;m thinking of resorting back to my old ways of intensive cardio (if I can make myself stick to it!). It&#39;s the only thing that has worked and I&#39;m sick of being fat.

                          i don&#39;t see myself eating wheat at all, or anything too processed (chocolate aside) so I&#39;ll still be eating PB but I don&#39;t know about exercising :/


                          Augh, I wish I was rich enough to have a PB personal trainer who&#39;d tell me what I&#39;m doing wrong, because I&#39;m a little frustrated :/


                          Okay, Okay... So I&#39;ve come to the sad realization that whatever I did before inspired people for some bewildering reason and I doubt my whining is producing the same results. So I&#39;ll shut up about it for now (and cry myself to sleep later).


                          I&#39;m not really inclined to do this BUT... My skin is a ton better and even though I still have ancient scars, unevenness and some pores (amazingly they&#39;ve been minimizing like crazy. WEIRD!). And even though I will still whine about a breakout/ scars/ blotchiness in the future... the fact remains, I hate to prove myself wrong here, but EATING PRIMALY CLEARED MY ACNE.

                          So there I&#39;ve said it. And my skin is 70% better and 99% clear.


                          I&#39;m officially crossing it off my Goal List:

                          [s]-> Clear Skin[/s]

                          -> Ideal Body Fat% (21) - it was 27% when I started

                          [s]-> Normal Sleeping Patterns[/s]

                          -> No Depression

                          [s]-> Period Back/ No PCOS[/s]


                          I hope my period comes back next month. If it does I&#39;ll be really ecstatic.

                          I also hope that an important fact will finally seep into my thick freaking scull and reach its way to my peanut sized brain: IT DOESN&#39;T FREAKING MATTER WHAT I WASH/ LATHER MY FACE WITH IT&#39;S WHAT I EAT THAT MAKES A DIFFERENCE IN MY SKIN!

                          *this is the part where Napoleon Dynamite comes in and says, in exasperation: "IDIOT!"* (I visualize this a lot)


                          So far, no luck. I still think it&#39;s a good idea to tone my face with this, and scrub it with that... And yeah, I&#39;ve converted my Sephora/ Holt Renfrew products for coconut oil and vinegar but I doubt that it even matters. I think my skin wants to be left alone but for so long I&#39;ve believed that topical application of *insert overpriced garbage product here* will miraculously clear my skin that I can&#39;t get used to not washing my face at all and not putting anything on it!


                          I still have a pound of makeup that I wear sometimes, but it only makes my skin look pale, weird and oily. Yet, even though my skin is clear, I feel like I need that protective mask of flesh-painted goo to make me beautiful.

                          Sad, huh?


                          I&#39;m still working on the &#39;no depression&#39; goal but I have a feeling it has something to do with my overall laziness and lack of purpose. I sleep like a log now, and that depends solely on how much time I spend AWAY from my beloved (yet evil) Macbook and if I get up early and eat what I&#39;m supposed to eat/ exercise/ go outside. So I&#39;m crossing that off as well.


                          Since I gained a pound and I do slack off when it comes to exercising (I end up catching up though! Instead of 3/pw I do it 4/pw and 2/pw. So I haven&#39;t missed any unless I don&#39;t do it today) AND yes there was that chocolate frenzy which pushed me off the wagon and drove off, laughing... AND it could be a pound of muscle (though, no pounds are welcome on my body in my current state of mind) I&#39;m gonna wait until the end of this week to measure myself and my BF% and if there&#39;s a positive change I will kiss the ground and sing hallelujah.


                          <3

                          "The penis is the male animal-flower, a soft-firm dildo, a warm dream."
                          -Raymond Peat, PhD

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                            Seriously... in the time it took you to write that redicilious wall of text, you could have done a tabata burpee set and been done with your workout for the day.


                            Stop being lazy and start working out and cooking good food. It will get you out of your rut.


                            Edit: ...and don&#39;t dare respond with another wall of text without first doing a set of tabata burpees (not the 2 in 20 second type either) and without cooking a whole chicken

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                              I was going to suggest getting a punching bag, and taking up boxing. Everytime you feel depressed, or lazy get mad as hell at yourself, and go beat the shit out of the bag. That&#39;ll give you some exercise.


                              I checked my weight before I went to the doktor today, and found that it hasn&#39;t budged in the week since I checked it last.


                              I&#39;m super lazy too, I really need to be getting more exercise, but I am walking about 20 city blocks or more a day (about a mile). And exercise is way easier, and more palatable to me now. I&#39;m still not lifting weights, or sparring with other martialartards, but I can see the day when that&#39;s coming. Walking&#39;s a great way to clear the mind as well. I know I&#39;ll never reach my fat loss goals with out serious hard work.


                              Since I don&#39;t always feel like cooking either, I try to make big batches of stuff like chicken wings, and pot roast which will be there when I&#39;m too wiped out to do much.


                              I hope you start feeling better Meaty. We&#39;re (low glycemicly) rooting for you.

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                                What is that I hear? Why it&#39;s the crackling of ice... in HELL!

                                &#39;Cause I just EXERCISED my meaty ass off!


                                All it takes is tricking your mind into it.

                                I was getting changed into my sports bra and all the while saying "Oh I&#39;m just gonna try it on... No biggy"... Putting some music on "Oh I just like this song..."

                                Getting my exercise sheet out... "No, I&#39;m not doing any workouts don&#39;t worry..."


                                And then I started and KICKED ASS.


                                OMG! Darth I could kiss you if you weren&#39;t a damned yank :P

                                That&#39;s an excellent idea! Punching bag...! I always get mad and frustrated over one anti-feminist issue or another... this could serve me well, instead of using actual people, namely men.


                                And what are Tabata burpees? I&#39;ve done sprint before, tons of fun, 30 seconds each, ten second rest, for four minutes. Is that what you&#39;re talking about?

                                I should do those. But it&#39;s fucking snowing in Suck City!

                                "The penis is the male animal-flower, a soft-firm dildo, a warm dream."
                                -Raymond Peat, PhD

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