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Primal Challenge Journal: Hanna - A Swedish restart

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  • #31
    My knees are hurting. I am not sure if I am imagining this, but they tend to flare up when I have fallen off the Primal wagon, so to speak...

    Tuesdays plan:
    B: yoghurt, egg
    S: banana
    L: salmon, pesto, broccoli, salad
    D: Home made chicken soup

    Move: nope. Taking care of my knees
    Play: sing with choir.

    Sleep Mon-Tue approximately 6 hours.

    I was thinking about my lapse in judgement this weekend. I tend to so things like that at times. Sabotage myself. I think that I am afraid of the consequences if I stop being a failure. If I stand up to the belief that I am good enough. I am scared that actually liking myself will bring some kind of disaster down on me, and consequently, I keep messing up my own efforts, to give me reason to dislike myself. Does that even make sense?
    What I have been thinking about lately, brought on by Marks recent post on play vs exercise, is that the less pressure I put on myself to perform, the more I can focus on the process of what I am doing. And it seems that wen I manage to detatch myself from the result, I actually do better. Detatchment. Cool concept.

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    • #32
      "I think that I am afraid of the consequences if I stop being a failure."

      So much to think about in that sentence for me. Much of it painful.
      I think our unconscious minds do a lot of messing with us. And yet, supposedly, it is for our benefit. At one point, being a failure was something that protected us in some way. Then, when I realized this (and the reason hit me in a flash- too hurtful for someone else's journal, but it was so TRUE, that I knew it instantly) it was still so ingrained, and too central to my identity, for me to give up. I have only slowly gotten to the point of acknowledging that there's some truth to it and that maybe, just maybe, I should try to work on overcoming it.
      How do you drop a security blanket that has sheltered you for years from something pretty hurtful in itself? It means facing that hurtful thing, without knowing what is on the other side. Scary. So, I won't encourage you to plunge into the process, Hanna, but I will say we are here to talk it out with you if you do.

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      • #33
        Thanks Sabine.

        I've been through this thinking path several times already, and I think I need to go through it many more times before I'm done. I have no real idea of a certain situation where labeling myself as a failure was beneficial for me, but I do know that by deciding that I was a failure, I could blame that for what I experienced as lack of love. I don't even think it was that, but I needed something to blame. Like it wasn't ME it was my not being perfect. Doesn't really make sense, I know, and my lousy English doesn't really help either.

        I think I decided that I wasn't OK, or that I was broken, so that I could blame that. I also decided that I was fat when I clearly wasn't to have another excuse. I then became fat, thin and fat again. It's just about now, mid 30's that I am coming to terms with my weight having no impact whatsoever on my value. It's nothing but a measure of how I eat. Kind of cool. I am liking this process. I am no stranger to hurt and sadness, having suffered from depression large parts of my life. I kind of like the feeling of being in control that I have now.

        Not sure that made sense at all... Still got to run!

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        • #34
          That did make sense. It's a long way, but I'm sure you will get there!
          My Journal: Candy in Primal Wonderland
          My Blog: Candy in Wonderland
          Goal for 2012: keep weight steady (+/- 74 kg): check
          Goal for 2013: lose 10 kg and keep new weight (+/- 65 kg)

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          • #35
            It's so helpful, hearing what others go through on their journey. Thank you for sharing with us, Hanna. And your English is great! Your meaning comes across perfectly.

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            • #36
              It has to be a good day when I amke sense to two other people than me! LOL!

              I ended up addin a fw things as snacks yesterday, because I was HUNGRY!
              S: Blackberries, 50g yoghurt, apple, dark chocolate

              Wednesday:
              B: 2 eggs, avocado, grapefruit
              S: apple
              L: Salad, tomato, cucumber, pepper, chicken, feta, avocado
              S: banana
              D: avocado
              S: yogurt, sunflower seeds, apricot, chocolate

              Move: jogging and strength exercises. There's this trail close to work, around a lake. I think the trail is 2.5K or so and there are a few outdoor gym stations along the way! Yay! Daylight and LHT with one stone!
              Play: I have yoga class tonight.

              Sleep tues-weds, probably 6 hours. Tonight I will go straight to bed. No TV!
              Last edited by Hanna; 04-05-2012, 02:10 AM.

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              • #37
                Thursday:

                Too little sleep again.

                Planned food:
                B: eggs
                S: banana and tea
                L: Home made minestrone, sans the pasta!
                D: Chicken and veggies, feta and avocado

                Move: possibly slow jog with friends, probably rest
                Play: Rehearsal for singing engagement tomorrow.

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                • #38
                  Everybody has a story, right. Here's part of mine:

                  I was never fat. I believed that I was fom age 10 or so, though. I was active, played basketball, danced, believed that I was fat. I dieted, binged in secret, tried purging, still wasn't fat. Moved to university, met fat guy, hurt myself, quit basketball, gained weight. Joined weight watchers at 200 pounds, lost some, felt fat. Finished my degree (kind of) started working, gained weight. Married fat guy. Moved, felt fat, became really fat. Joined, quit and joined weight watchers 2973 times. Weighed 250 pounds:


                  WWd myself down to 150,still eating very carb heavy, very artificial foods. Spending days at the gym. I looked good though... Still felt fat.

                  Divorced, engaged in a couple of unheathy relationships, found myself at 200 again in February of 2011:

                  Started tinkering with PB, still was very weight watcher-y. That got me to 190:


                  Got a little more primal, and a little more, started posting here again and bam:


                  I am nowhere near a "perfect" follower of the PB. But I do my best. And I enjoy it. I don't work out as much, although I have caught a long distance bug, and thoroughly enjoy loooong slooooow jogs.
                  I don't take anti depressants anymore. I don't binge. I don't purge. I stress less. I enjoy things more. I love how I feel. I love that my weight is coming off, but most of all I love not feeling fat. I feel strong.

                  Watch out, here I come!

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                  • #39
                    Wow.
                    Love the dropping of anti-depressants, binging, purging, stressing heading your list.
                    Love your joy and strength.
                    Love the smaller stomach, too.

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                    • #40
                      And the greatest thing is that I actually feel like the smaller stomach is a side effect!

                      I may be entering the primality slowly, but it makes more sense to me every day!

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                      • #41
                        Wow Hanna, you look fab! And I especially love the part where you can leave medication, binging/purging and stress behind you! You are doing great!
                        Enjoy the ride on the wagon, girl .
                        My Journal: Candy in Primal Wonderland
                        My Blog: Candy in Wonderland
                        Goal for 2012: keep weight steady (+/- 74 kg): check
                        Goal for 2013: lose 10 kg and keep new weight (+/- 65 kg)

                        Comment


                        • #42
                          Have I ever been enjoying the ride over Easter!

                          Friday:'
                          B 2 eggs
                          L: 2 more eggs, leek soup
                          D: beef, root veggies, butter, olive oil
                          S: 83% chocolate, apricots

                          Move: Nope, still sore throat
                          Play: 2 Choir gigs

                          Saturday:
                          Brunch: eggs, cheese, butter veggies
                          D: root veggies, butter, olive oil, beef
                          S: whipped cream, coconut flakes, coconut fat, aprocot, apple

                          Move: not at all
                          Play: Rested like a maniac!

                          Sunday:
                          B: avocado
                          L/D: 1 egg, 3 meat balls, 2 small sausages, pickled herring, roast moose, cake (planned Easter indulgence. I made it. eating it made my heart race!)

                          Move: damned throat!
                          Play: 2 more choir gigs!

                          Tomorrow I will clean my apartment, cook a little, and rehearse with the band. I also need to figure out how ro deal with going out of town for band gigs next weekend. There's usually waaaay too much beer and fries around for those things to be primal. AND I need to make sure I have a voice...

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                          • #43
                            Monday

                            B: yogurt, seeds, pomegranat
                            S: banana
                            L/D: gound moose with veggies

                            I have cooked 14 lunches today. Well, just two dishes, but it made 14 lunchboxes. I love to have a well stocked freezer. I made the Chicken and shrimp soup found here on MDA, and a ground beef/courgette gratin. good stuff.

                            Throat is better, and if I don't feel it at all tomorrow morning, I'm going to exercise at lunch. I will do the trail with the LHT stations. '

                            Weight is coming off slowly. Not really sure it matters... !

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                            • #44
                              Tuesday

                              B: 1 egg (late and not hungry)
                              S: banana
                              L: Chicken and shrimp soup
                              S: tea
                              D: moose and veggies
                              S: possibly yogurt after choir

                              No exercise, since my throat was sore this morning.
                              Play: Choir tonight

                              Since my first post in this thread I have lost 5 pounds. This is clearly more than I normally would lose in a month. Cool.
                              Last edited by Hanna; 04-10-2012, 05:30 AM.

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                              • #45
                                I would be very interested to hear more about the MOOSE! Is this a normal meat for you to eat? Did a friend go hunting? Can you buy moose at the supermarket in Sweden? Please, tell us more.
                                Congratulations on your five pounds.

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