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My Journey from Sugar Burner to Fat Burner - jenn26point2's Primal Journal

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  • It's Prairie du Chien. Dog Meadow.

    Keep up the good work, Jenn!
    5'2", 55 years, Primal since April. Pre-Primal weight loss, from 216.6 to 157.8
    Primal low: 140.2 (Dec. 3) Goal weight: 135?
    Main Primal goal: beating back my CFS enough to function more normally and start writing again

    More and more, our life has been governed by specialists, who know too little of what lies outside their province to be able to know enough about what takes place within it.
    - Lewis Mumford

    Comment


    • I think I have decided what I'm going to do to utilize my 90 day journal. For the month of October, I am going to be 100% Primal. Dairy will be allowed, but limited. Limited to butter (yum), sour cream, a wee bit of cheese. Not sure what I'm going to do for lunches b/c recently I've been having like a teaspoon of ranch dressing in my salad, and of course, some barbecue sauce, a little ketchup and the like. Maybe I'll still allow that stuff but annotate which days I use it so if there's a noticeable trend that results from those days, I'll be able to see it.

      For the 2nd 30 days, I will likely do a Whole30, maybe... that's the month of thanksgiving and I know there will be non-primal fare that makes up the most of Thanksgiving.

      I will be tracking my food, but only to ensure my macros are in the right percentages. I don't really care about calories. Aiming for very low carb. Ketosis is the goal.
      Primal since March 5, 2012
      SW: 221 | CW: 204 | LPW: 166 | UGW: 140 (80 lbs loss)



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      • Its always good to have a plan layed out! You'll do great, Jenn! I'm shooting for 100% primal also.
        1. Love ME no matter what noises are screaming at me, or who is trying to tear me down.
        2. Eat to heal
        3. Move to live
        4. Embrace today
        5. Live with intention
        6. Respect my body
        7. Cultivate joy
        8. Find my passion
        9. Meditate on peace in my soul

        Comment


        • good luck on your new goals!
          Awesome succes story
          My Journal: Candy in Primal Wonderland
          My Blog: Candy in Wonderland
          Goal for 2012: keep weight steady (+/- 74 kg): check
          Goal for 2013: lose 10 kg and keep new weight (+/- 65 kg)

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          • Have some dirty laundry to air... well, I guess it's more like stressed into the red zone and want to vent a bit, relieve some tension and hopefully feel better.

            Sunday was a really rough day for me. Both of my kids got hurt, and I feel like I should have been able to prevent it both times, but didn't.

            First, while grocery shopping, Makenna got her fingers pinched HARD in the bathroom stall door. Her nail beds are bruised and the skin was broken on her finger pads. I was pushing the door open so we could go into the stall. She reached out to pull the door open and her fingers got caught. My heart is broken over this because I couldn't stop pushing before it was too late. I saw her reaching and couldn't stop in time. Now she's got two bruised nails that she'll likely lose at the age of 2.

            Then Sunday night, Brad and the kids were horsing around in the living room. On top of the bookshelf (it's a 5 ft tall shelf) I have some decorative stuff that the kids made at daycare for holidays and stuff. Two of these items were bricks that had their handprints and names on from Christmas 2010. In their roughousing, Brady pushed against the bookshelf and one of the bricks fell and landed on his head. It only cut his head a tiny bit and luckily nothing else. I can't even imagine how badly it hurt. Like I said, it only cut his head a tiny bit so we didn't go to the hosptial for stitches or staples or anything. It stopped bleeding in about 15 minutes. We had told him to stop pushing off of the bookshelf or that brick was going to fall, and he stopped a few minutes, but then did it one more time and sure enough, it fell. I sat down to talk to Brady and said "This is why we need to listen to Mommy and Daddy when they tell you not to do something. Because if you don't follow the directions, bad things can happen". Brady apologized for not listening and said that his owie is his fault. Before I could respond, his dad pipes up and said "No, your mom should have moved it when she saw it was a problem". Keep in mind, he ALSO saw it was a problem.

            This pissed me off and after the blood stopped flowing and the boy stopped crying, I gave Makenna her bath, put my socks and shoes on and stormed out of the house. I honestly think that if it wasn't for my kids still being there, I would not have come back. Blaming me for what happened to our son was too much for me. I was fuming. I was so livid I couldn't even cry because of how hurt I was. I was just pissed. I wanted to throw things. Break things. I wanted to push him and hit him and really release some energy. I was a high voltage line with nowhere to discharge my energy.

            Knowing that Makenna was probably crying b/c I told her she could not go with me, and knowing that Brad very likely was NOT going to give Brady his bath to clean up his head, I took a minute to calm down and went back home. I gave Brady his bath, put some neosporin on his cut and put him and Makenna both in bed. I prepared some dishes to be washed and took a long hot shower. I drained the 50 gal water heater. Still no tears. Why the fuck can't I cry??? I got out of the shower and went into the kitchen to make my breakfast for the week and then went to bed. I gave Brad a kiss good night and told him I loved him and went to bed.

            Yesterday morning, my stomach was in a ball of knots and my chest felt so tight. I was still very pissed and still overwhelmed by the fact that both of my kids got hurt and I was powerless to stop it from happening. I drove to work, but as soon as I got here, I turned around and went back home. I didn't want to be home with him, and was lucky that he was going to work early (he's on 2nd shift). I sent him a text telling him I was coming home. He apologized for saying it was my fault and that he handled the situation poorly and that it was equally his fault b/c he could have taken the brick off the shelf too. When I got home, I sat on the couch with him for a few minutes and some tears fell, but not the release I was hoping for.

            I slept most of the day and felt a little better when I picked the kids up. We did our nightly thing of dinner, cartoons, a partial bath for Brady to clean up his head a bit better now that a real solid scab should have been in place, and went to bed. Brad and I talked about what happened via text - again, via a communication mode OTHER than face to face.

            I expressed my feelings of inadequacy as a wife, mother, housekeeper and finance manager. I told him I felt like a failure in all of those areas b/c my house isn't clean, our money situation is continually jacked, our kids keep getting hurt and I can't provide him what he needs. He told me I was wrong b/c the kids are healthy, happy and fed, we're not bankrupt, none of us live in squaller, and he's no where near close to filing for divorce, so I must be doing something right... but it sure doesn't feel like it.

            So last night, I went to bed at 11. Stayed up watching that sorry excuse of a Cowboys football game. I fell asleep, but woke up when Brad came home. After that, I kept picturing that brick falling on Brady's head and his reaction and how I couldn't get to him fast enough to keep him safe, and was unable to go back to sleep. I took an Ativan (second one in two days) to shut my mind off and I finally fell asleep probably around 1145.

            Today, my stomach is still in knots and my mood is still really low and I feel like I could actually, honestly cry. Why now? Why not yesterday??? Geezus. I told Brad I'm tired of communicating via text and email and that we need to learn how to communicate face to face when things are bother us or when we need support. No more blame game. We need to focus on respecting and appreciating the other person. No more saying "I love you" and more SHOWING it. The tension between us lately is ridiculous and it's making life so much harder than it needs to be.

            He mentioned taking a 4 day just me and him trip to someplace where we can just be alone and learn to appreciate each other again, but I have no idea how I would manage being away from my kids that long. I can't even handle them being with a grandparent overnight. But the idea of a second honeymoon is very appealing and probably really needed. A week long camping trip where we fish and hike and just enjoy each other's company and relax would be nice. (for the record, we went camping for our first honeymoon too).

            But the biggest thing we need to work on is respecting each other. Treating each other the way we would expect someone to treat our kids and no less.

            I might also email my doctor and as her to renew my prescription for Ativan so I have a few extras laying around should I have an acute attack like this again. It's situational and not chronic in the sense that once I come to grips with everything, the symtpoms will go away. But in the meantime, I need something to help me relax so I can think calmly and function at work. Brad asked me if I thought it was too early to be off meds, but I told him I think it's fine given that it's situational and not a chronic thing, and if I get my diet back under control, things will be better. It's just that I had two/three VERY overwhelmingly stressful events happen in one day and it was too much and set me into the red zone. Most days, I'm in the green zone or low yellow zone. I haven't been in the red zone for two years when I fell while carrying Makenna and her head hit the ground. Again, this incident was my fault b/c I'd placed a box of unwanted toys in the hall to be taken to the basement and ended up tripping over it.

            Anyhow, putting that out there has helped. I also just took an ativan b/c I have too much stuff to do today after being home all day yesterday to try to navigate the day in a keyed up state. I only have one left, so I'm going to have to ration it until I can get with Dr. Ashley for a 5 pill or so refill to have on hand.

            Anyhow, I'm going to attempt to tackle my paper now. Thanks for listening.
            Primal since March 5, 2012
            SW: 221 | CW: 204 | LPW: 166 | UGW: 140 (80 lbs loss)



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            • Man, that was a rough time. Hugs.

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              • I'm glad your kids are okay and that Brad recognized he messed up. Definitely not okay to call each other out in front of the kids like that. If there's an issue, it needs to be brought up aside and then brought up to the kids to make a correction, if necessary.

                Your "red zone" is rather alarming to me. I immediately wonder how long you've been off the SSRI. That kind of mood fluctuation is what I experience (except for me it's usually just debilitating depression, not rage) when I really need to get back on some kind of supplement. I used to get that way when I was between meds, and I've been feeling "irrational" lately if I'm not on Tryptophan.
                Depression Lies

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                • The red zone isn't rage... that's anxiety level. Like when a car is overheating and enters the red on the dial. My anxiety level was maxed out. I felt like I could shit myself and puke at the same time. I was in full fledged Fight or Flight mode. And that has only happened 3x in my life, to that level. I've had many panic attacks, but only 3 that were that elevated, in 32 years.

                  I have been off my SSRI since June. And as long as my diet is under control, everything is fine. I get overwhelmed but not to any point that makes me disfunctional. Usually, a short break away from the stressor is enough to bring me back down to earth and capable of tackling the situation. This was beyond that. There was no tackling the situation b/c it was already over.

                  This will blow by like the last two did... it's just going to take time.

                  I came back in here to note that I'm not looking for "You're a great mom" comments or anything like that. I only put that out there so that it was no longer sitting on my heart so I could move on. Like talk therapy, maybe. So, thank you Sabine for your comment. That is what I'm looking for. Man, rough day. Hang in there. Hugs. Perfect. Thank you.
                  Primal since March 5, 2012
                  SW: 221 | CW: 204 | LPW: 166 | UGW: 140 (80 lbs loss)



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                  • Ah, okay, that makes sense. I like to understand these things, just the way I work. I appreciate you explaining it.
                    Depression Lies

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                    • Tash, I might stop by the vegan store (they have great vitamins) and check out some l-tryptophan. PBPM mentions it a lot as an essential amino acid and you talk about it as being a great supplement to help with your mood fluctuations. Is this something you take daily?
                      Primal since March 5, 2012
                      SW: 221 | CW: 204 | LPW: 166 | UGW: 140 (80 lbs loss)



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                      • Recently, yeah, I take it daily (first thing in the AM on an empty stomach). If I'm still feeling off in a couple of hours, I take another. I can really feel my thoughts kind of calm down and come together as time passes after I take it, usually within 30-45 minutes.

                        From time to time, I'll go off it for a while, but I can usually tell within a day or two if I still need it. I try to give it a full week without, but sometimes, I just feel too crazy. I'm completely blaming this on hormones, right now, considering all that's been going on with me (wonder if that could be a factor for you, going off the shot?).

                        For the super on-edge, ready to flip my lid feelings, I still use GABA Calm from time to time. That leaves me a bit numb, but it's preferable.
                        Depression Lies

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                        • Here is a picture of my daughter's fingers.

                          Kenna's finger.jpg


                          here is a pic of Brady's head. The tiny slit in the center is the actual cut. The rest of it is just dried blood he won't let me clean off yet. And I didn't want to push the subject until I was confident there was a really good scab in place, which there wasn't yet at that point. There is this morning though, so tomorrow night when I am home, I can probably get in there and really scrub the excess off. Until then, it looks like this.

                          Brady's head.jpg
                          Primal since March 5, 2012
                          SW: 221 | CW: 204 | LPW: 166 | UGW: 140 (80 lbs loss)



                          Comment


                          • wow! thats a lot of emotional stuff to deal with in a short period of time! You were wise to leave the house for a bite - and wiser still to turn around and take care of the needs of your kids. And good for Brad on taking responsibility for his bad choice of words.

                            As for communication - you're right on track. Decide together that the texting and emailing is an unacceptable form of communication. A husband and wife need face time - eye contact - and touching while trying to work out issues. You can always send a short - "we need to talk tonight" and leave it at that. It important to hear each others words, not just read them.

                            I think you definitely need to plan a long weekend alone. A marriage NEEDS time alone! You're kids will survive with the grandparents for a few days and they will probably think its quite an adventure as well - tell them that THEY get to go on vacation! Then you and Brad get away and focus on each other!

                            Those owies will heal and be forgotten --- but I know it hurts a mommies heart to see them........... sorry, Jenn. Accidents happen.
                            1. Love ME no matter what noises are screaming at me, or who is trying to tear me down.
                            2. Eat to heal
                            3. Move to live
                            4. Embrace today
                            5. Live with intention
                            6. Respect my body
                            7. Cultivate joy
                            8. Find my passion
                            9. Meditate on peace in my soul

                            Comment


                            • Well, FWIW, you are a great mom. There's no way we can perfectly foresee every situation and protect our kids from them. They got some relatively minor bumps and bruises, which will soon be completely healed. It is far, far worse to wrap our kids in bubble wrap and prevent them from learning from consequences. Brady disregarded your warning and paid for it. I do not believe that our houses should have every tiny hazard removed, preventing our children from learning restraint and self-control. Truly dangerous things should not be left around, obviously. Bleach bottles or objects that would fracture a skull instead of just causing a superficial cut, for instance. I can't begin to give you the list of the injuries my five kids suffered at one point or another on my watch, some of which (although not many) were genuinely my fault. But as one of the nurses laughed while sewing up my son's lip, "Don't worry. He'll still be able to get married." Good call. He's the one with three kids. I can't even remember how his lip got cut. There were too many things like that with five of them to keep track. I also required stitches in my lip as a child. I also got married. I do remember how it happened to me, and how it taught me to think more about the possible consequences of my actions.

                              It is not your job to protect your kids from every bump and bruise they inflict on themselves. This is a modern parenting myth that causes far more harm than good. Bumps and bruises are an absolutely essential part of the learning and maturation process. We should never deliberately cause them, of course, but life happens, and our kids need to learn to handle that, and adjust their behaviour to account for reality.

                              I squashed my fingers in the frame of a heavy metal door at school when I was five, much worse than Makenna did. There were no lasting consequences. Nor from getting them slammed in a car door a couple of years later. I learned to be careful where I put my hands. Kids' finger bones are mostly cartilage, so they can learn these lessons with no lasting damage, just like their skulls remain flexible for years.

                              You are a mother, not Supergirl. You can't fly to their rescue faster than the speed of falling objects and swinging doors. They need to learn - and it's an essential life skill - that the physical world must be respected and that they need to take reasonable precautions. You took reasonable precautions, so you have nothing to feel guilty about.

                              I still use email when dealing with certain issues with my husband. Emotions ramp up so easily face-to-face and it's so hard to stay on track with what needs to be said. I don't see it as a failing at all. I usually write them and don't send them right away. Sometimes just writing them is enough, because I just needed to vent. If it's something he needs to hear, sleeping on it and then carefully editing is much better than an emotional dump.

                              I'm sorry the whole thing was so stressful for you, but I think that you handled it really well. I am impressed by the continued efforts you are making. And the fact that your husband is at least willing and capable of examining his own behaviour and apologizing for it makes me very hopeful. That lays the groundwork for positive changes. They might come gradually, in fact most changes do, but hopefully the stressful incidents will become fewer and less intense. I doubt if there's any such thing as a marriage with no collisions, but as long as they aren't too frequent and at low speed, we can handle them.
                              5'2", 55 years, Primal since April. Pre-Primal weight loss, from 216.6 to 157.8
                              Primal low: 140.2 (Dec. 3) Goal weight: 135?
                              Main Primal goal: beating back my CFS enough to function more normally and start writing again

                              More and more, our life has been governed by specialists, who know too little of what lies outside their province to be able to know enough about what takes place within it.
                              - Lewis Mumford

                              Comment


                              • Honey, if that's what wigs you out, my parents should've prob watched us a bit more carefully (well, they should've anyways, but...)
                                Both of my pinky fingers are bent 30- 45* at the last joint. They're bent enough that I wear rings as spacers so that last joint doesn't lie atop my ring fingers. I dislocated them when I was 6 or 7 at the grocery store with my folks. I was fooling around with the doors in the forzen food section, and had my fingers in the groove when someone opened the door on it. I screamed bloody murder, they closed the door, and we looked at my fingers. They figured it was just something like Makenna's because it was so swollen. When the swelling finally went down, I was already working around it. They didn't notice the bend under a decade or so later. I still can't fully extend either pinky, or straighten them, without pain. You did fine with Makenna.
                                Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
                                My Latest Journal

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