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My Journey from Sugar Burner to Fat Burner - jenn26point2's Primal Journal

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  • Yeah!!!!! So anxious to hear the final........ I GOT THE JOB!
    1. Love ME no matter what noises are screaming at me, or who is trying to tear me down.
    2. Eat to heal
    3. Move to live
    4. Embrace today
    5. Live with intention
    6. Respect my body
    7. Cultivate joy
    8. Find my passion
    9. Meditate on peace in my soul

    Comment


    • I'm anxious to say I GOT THE JOB! I can't wait. Hopefully by Friday.
      Primal since March 5, 2012
      SW: 221 | CW: 204 | LPW: 166 | UGW: 140 (80 lbs loss)



      Comment


      • So, I'm really anxious lately - and having irrational thoughts about things that haven't happened, likely won't happen, and I'd have zero control over, but freak me out to no end regardless... Like it's causing anxiety I can feel in my FEET! That burning nerve sensation. The event I'm petrified of? Something happening to my son. For some reason, I'm fixating on something happening to him. School shooting, car accident... those are the two that seem to keep cropping up for me. I wish I could make it stop. When the images come, I can feel the anguish and heartbreak any mother would feel during an event like that. I start to panic like I would if it had actually happened. Except it hasn't happened and there's no reason to believe that it would EVER happen, but yet that doesn't stop the images from coming or stop me from experiencing those emotions. The feeling of helplessness and guilt is what bothers me the most, I think. Knowing that if something like either event were to happen, I'd be completely helpless to stop it and that inability to stop it brings on the guilt, however unjustified it is. And then I picture the aftermath of a school shooting where I learn my kids are ok and I can still embrace them (you know, to put a happy ending on the whole thing so I stop fixating on it) and then I become overcome with those emotions.

        I can't help but wonder if it's b/c we're building a new school that is going to have all kinds of measures in place to prevent the possibility of someone attacking the school, but we don't have it yet and it's still so far out of reach that is causing my anxiety.

        I think anxiety over your kids is the worst kind of anxiety. I wish worrying about that kind of stuff would magically prevent them from happening. Worrying about it seems futile, but not worrying about it, forcing myself to dismiss the fear knowing the likelihood it'll happen is next to zero, just feels irresponsible...

        It's all taking me back to 2007 when I developed PTSD - same kind of panic and helplessness and guilt. Except then I was getting deployed and was going to miss so many of Brady's first milestones. I fixated on the crops and where they were in the growing cycle. The moment they started changing colors and the farmers started picking them, my panic attacks started. I noticed last night the corn and beans are changing colors. It won't be long before farmers are picking again. Is this anxiety I'm having about my kids being at school and not being able to protect them a referral from when I was fixated on missing so many of Brady's milestones? None of which I had to miss b/c I didn't deploy...

        Honestly, I don't care what the cause is. I just want it to stop. I want to stop having mild panic attacks everytime I think about my kids in school. I want to stop these images of my son being injured in a car accident - and finding him unresponsive. I want to stop the images of finding out my kids' school fell victim to the next lost soul with a firearm.

        All of this started when someone posted a picture of a little girl with a backpack being led by a religious figure with the words "Please protect our children. Amen" on it. I want that post to leave my head... so maybe I'll move past this anxiety I'm feeling for no logical reason.

        PS, it's whole30 day 4.
        Primal since March 5, 2012
        SW: 221 | CW: 204 | LPW: 166 | UGW: 140 (80 lbs loss)



        Comment


        • Sorry, Jenn. A mothers worry is the worst kind. And with PTSD -- it makes go even deeper and more difficult to manage.

          Can I suggest that when you get those thoughts about a school shooting that you change the outcome? Imagine the shooter entering the school grounds and being taken down by police before anyone is even aware of his presence. The children are all safe - learning great things in their classroom and the only person hurt is the one who was planning to hurt others.

          Stop the scenario before it has a chance to grow into someone horrible in your mind.

          Did your therapist give you any tools to deal with the anxious thoughts? Use those if my suggestion is too simplistic.

          Remember - you're children are in a safe environment.
          1. Love ME no matter what noises are screaming at me, or who is trying to tear me down.
          2. Eat to heal
          3. Move to live
          4. Embrace today
          5. Live with intention
          6. Respect my body
          7. Cultivate joy
          8. Find my passion
          9. Meditate on peace in my soul

          Comment


          • Just getting it out there has helped, actually. The last psychatrist I saw (the one the VA made me see) suggested I get a cognitive behavior book for my anxiety. Naiad sent me the one for depression that she had sitting around unused, but I have yet to get the one for anxiety yet. It hasn't been in the budget.
            Primal since March 5, 2012
            SW: 221 | CW: 204 | LPW: 166 | UGW: 140 (80 lbs loss)



            Comment


            • Breeeeathe. Deep even breaths. Focus on it. If your thoughts drift away from the breath, just bring them back. It really does help from moment to moment.
              Depression Lies

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              • ^ good way to calm the anxiety.
                1. Love ME no matter what noises are screaming at me, or who is trying to tear me down.
                2. Eat to heal
                3. Move to live
                4. Embrace today
                5. Live with intention
                6. Respect my body
                7. Cultivate joy
                8. Find my passion
                9. Meditate on peace in my soul

                Comment


                • I guess I'm still in burn-out mode. Can't seem to commit to the Whole30 long term, so I'm going to relax with Primal for a while. I'm going to aim for 100%. And will work out a schedule to allow for some cheats, but I'm thinking having dairy and what not back will be enough to keep me happy - especially since honey and maple are allowed. Considering making some cream cheese clouds - they sound delicious when I think about adding maple syrup to them. I think right now my goal needs to be to remain on track and not try to complicate things or to make them unnecessarily difficult by restricting even further into Whole30 range.

                  I'm reading Grain Brain right now. Good read. Logical. It's solidifying my belief that, despite is deliciousness, humans are not designed to consume gluten containing foods. More people need to read it.
                  Last edited by jenn26point2; 09-08-2014, 07:59 AM.
                  Primal since March 5, 2012
                  SW: 221 | CW: 204 | LPW: 166 | UGW: 140 (80 lbs loss)



                  Comment


                  • Btw we are actually going to be in Algona, not Spirit Lake but I'm sure it's still quite far from you. FIL gave the wrong location so we had to cancel our Super 8 reservation (then book in the right one). Fortunately, there's still a month before we wouldn't be able to get a refund haha

                    What's the weather like in Iowa early October? It's going to be a pretty casual wedding and I have no idea what to wear.

                    Sent from my ADR6350 using Tapatalk 2
                    Depression Lies

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                    • It's generally in the 70's but this summer has spent most of it's time in the 80's rather than upper 90's/low 100's, so bring clothes for cool weather (50-60's) and clothing for warmer weather (70-80's). Humidity is generally low during October.

                      Brad and I got married October 15th 2005. It was 70some degrees. Two years ago a friend got married on October 6th. It was 50some degrees. Plan for both.

                      Algona is closer still - 3 hours and 50 minutes. Looks like Waterloo is the half way point - about 2 hours away from both locations - if there was time for a meet up, that is. I can't imagine it'll be very often that you're in Iowa, and I can't see any reason why I'd ever be in MA...
                      Primal since March 5, 2012
                      SW: 221 | CW: 204 | LPW: 166 | UGW: 140 (80 lbs loss)



                      Comment


                      • I am trying to understand why two of my cousins (brothers) are so less than useful than other members of society. They're like little blood suckers and it pisses me off b/c they prey on those who don't know any better or those who feel obligated b/c they're family. Here's the backstory. It's a long one, so get a snack...

                        D (my uncle) was married to S and had two children. One is a few years younger than me and is an amazing person. She's got two kids, a great job, sells Mary Kay, is married to a great guy and is making a pretty awesome life for herself. Her daughter (7) has Down's Syndrome, her son (1) is healthy as a horse. She's very much into the whole foods movement, the anti-vax movement, and the home-birth with no medical intervention movement - basically, she's a well dressed, hard working hippie... lol. Her oldest brother is 21 I think. He's got a mental handicap that is pretty significant, so he lives in a boarding house and is managed by social workers. He has violent tendencies and lacks a sense of morality that is necessary to function well in society (i.e. he steals if given the opportunity - he knows it's illegal, but doesn't seem to have much of a conscience about it - you can tell by the way he sneaks to do it, but to him it's completely acceptable). He has a reason for his actions - he mentally cannot help it given his disorder (I've never been officially told what it was, but at one point they thought ASP - but I think it's more than that).

                        D (my uncle) had an affair with J. J got pregnant with C. S found out and divorced D. D and S managed to patch things up and got remarried. D again had an affair with J, who got pregnant a second time with A (we joke that she was sabotaging condoms). S divorced D one last time and D married J.

                        D and J remained married for a long time - til C and A were like mid-teens, I believe. J cheated on D with Z, who happens to be related to my family from a different side. D caught J and J filed for divorce. J later married Z and had two kids with him (ages 4 and 2).

                        C and A (D and J's boys) are now the most frustrating young men on the planet. They lie, they cheat, they steal, they have this entitlement complex that drives me bonkers. But more on that in a bit...

                        During the D and J divorce, D was in a motorcycle accident that landed him in a medically induced coma. He hit a sign post at highway speeds on a motorcycle, with no helmet. He's lucky to have survived. J was in the hospital waiting room each day supposedly upset that her soon to be ex was fighting for his life (who would later leave and go to Z as if that whole scenario was appropriate). D now has a significant TBI. He was always one to drink on a regular basis, but I don't believe it was every a "problem". After his TBI, it became a problem. He lost his job as an electrician b/c he showed up to work drunk - this is worse than it might normally be b/c D worked on high tensile wires. So he lost his job. His mom (my grandma) and his sister (my aunt) lobbied on his behalf to get him federal disability, to get his retirement (b/c the company refused to pay it), and grandma was his POA (since then, those responsibilities have changed hands to the oldest daughter). D started manipulating Grandma into giving him money. Aunt took him to court and had him committed to detox centers 3x to fight his alcoholism and drug abuse. Each time, he manipulated Grandma into checking him out and bringing him home. She has been a significant enabler, which is why she gave POA rights to D's daughter - b/c she's strong enough to not be manipulated by D. Grandma gave him a job working on the farm for her - planting crops, picking crops, taking care of the cattle, etc. I'm not sure if he's still doing those things.

                        His alcoholism and drug abuse have gotten so bad that it's not unusual for his daughter to find him unconcious in the house. He's developed conditions of alcoholism, like the abdominal adema that has to be drained periodically and liver disease. He is currently in the hospital with sepsis of this abdominal fluid, but his mind has changed. Daughter says he's confused all the time now, is very combative b/c he doesn't know why he's in the hospital, in addition to withdrawing from alcohol and whatever drugs he's currently using.

                        Growing up, J has given the boys whatever they want - the oldest barely graduated high school and the youngest has a kid (he's 18 and ungraduated - I don't know if he's still going to school or not). J gave C (oldest boy) the truck she got in the divorce when he was 16 or 17 - but neither he nor his mom could afford to fill the truck with fuel (it's a diesel Silverado) so he'd steal money from his dad for fuel or steal fuel from the farm (illegal in that it was stealing, but also illegal b/c it was farm fuel, not DOT approved low-sulfur highway fuel). Somehow, A (youngest boy) got D's other truck (also a diesel that no one could afford to keep fueled, so again, stealing farm fuel, stealing money, etc.

                        Over the last few years, C and A have been pretty bad kids. They have been stealing from Grandma, manipulating Grandma and living off D's retirement/disability. They've moved out of J and Z's house for whatever reason, both lost their jobs and their driver's licenses, and are living in D's house, stealing his money, having parties and trashing the place, and not helping to take care of their dad - to make sure he gets his meds, etc. A is also not caring for his son the way he needs to since he has no job.

                        Growing up, these boys had a stable household - D and J were married, and seemingly happy until J strayed from the marriage. It wasn't until about 5 years ago that things went to shit in the marriage and they started living with Z, who from the best of my knowledge, has a pretty solid head on his shoulders. He's got a good job (he and J work at the same place), has a nice house, and a good family who raised him up to be a good person (if you ignore the whole sleeping with a married woman thing).

                        I just don't see where these two boys get off thinking they can steal from their now handicapped dad, abuse their grandmother who has done nothing but provide for them whenever she was needed, and not take some sort of responsibility for their lifes and help with their father! How do they sleep at night??? what is wrong with them??

                        Presently, the hospital is going to bring in a neurologist to analyze D to see if he's capable of living alone anymore. If he's not, it sound like he'll be going into an assisted living facility. What will happen to those boys then?

                        I just can't help think that Grandpa must be rolling over in his grave over this. There is no way those two boys (or even D - TBI or not) would get away with any of this crap they're pulling if he was still around. He'd be knocking heads together.

                        It just boggles my mind how some people live... I try not to judge but when family members are being hurt by their actions, it's hard to keep turning a blind eye to it. I'd like to lay into them, but I'm pretty sure their sister (D's daughter) has already done it a million times with zero positive result. They're just worthless. Why would anyone WANT to live like that?? I don't get it.

                        Ok. Rant over.
                        Primal since March 5, 2012
                        SW: 221 | CW: 204 | LPW: 166 | UGW: 140 (80 lbs loss)



                        Comment


                        • wow.......... that's some messed up bunch of people!
                          1. Love ME no matter what noises are screaming at me, or who is trying to tear me down.
                          2. Eat to heal
                          3. Move to live
                          4. Embrace today
                          5. Live with intention
                          6. Respect my body
                          7. Cultivate joy
                          8. Find my passion
                          9. Meditate on peace in my soul

                          Comment


                          • The best part is J went from being my aunt to being my husband's cousin's wife... So I still get to see her at Christmas...

                            What I didn't realize is that D's accident was 8 years ago. So the boys have effectively been without a quality father figure for 8 years, unless you count Z who is a good guy, but still not their father, you know? I don't think the boys relate to him as much as they need to. J is 44 and Z is 31 or 32...

                            My aunt says that J never did pay much attention to the boys and what they were doing and with D being vacant after his accident, they were kind of on their own... but that doesn't excuse them from not wanting to be better people... that's just sheer laziness and entitlement syndrome, I think.
                            Last edited by jenn26point2; 09-08-2014, 10:24 AM.
                            Primal since March 5, 2012
                            SW: 221 | CW: 204 | LPW: 166 | UGW: 140 (80 lbs loss)



                            Comment


                            • Things like that are what give rednecks a bad name and turn them into trash. I have relatives like that. Last I heard, the entire herd is living in 3 mobile homes on one acre of land and no one is quite sure who anybody's daddy is.
                              Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
                              My Latest Journal

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                              • Originally posted by jenn26point2 View Post
                                The best part is J went from being my aunt to being my husband's cousin's wife...
                                I'm confused. Which one is their own grandpa?

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