Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

My Journey from Sugar Burner to Fat Burner - jenn26point2's Primal Journal

Collapse
X
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Originally posted by jenn26point2 View Post
    resentment, hatred, worthless, unappreciated, attacked.
    I had to laugh a little, those are really good descriptors.

    I really hope you can talk to Brad about all of this in person. As much as it can be easier to "get it all out" in writing, it makes it all too easy to be cruel. Tone is hard to convey. In couples therapy, the words you just used would be a perfect segue into telling him how you feel about what he said. While you can't change someone else or their feelings, just knowing that they UNDERSTAND how you feel can go a long way. It seems from his email that he is trying to communicate something to you and feels like it's not getting through. From what you write about here, it seems like you also don't feel understood. I hope you guys can get the support you need, either from each other or from a third party. Would you be open to couples therapy and do you think he would? It might help to get you guys moving in the same direction, at the very least, even if it was just a couple of sessions.
    Depression Lies

    Comment


    • Jenn, it was things like what your husband has said that compelled me to see a therapist. My ex actually called me a crazy bitch- crazy being something my parents said about me too.

      I was determined to either figure out what was wrong with me and fix it and/or learn how to get away from destructive people and surround myself with people that lifted me up instead knocking me down. I learned a lot about myself.

      I didn't tell my then husband I was seeing a therapist until he used the crazy word again, a few months later. My reply was, "My therapist doesn't think I'm crazy. I'm working on myself and will no longer allow myself to be spoken to like you just did. If this marriage is going to survive I suggest you see someone to help you better yourself".


      In your shoes, I would first look for things in Brad's emails that have, even a grain, of truth and then decide if working on those things would be a good thing for you to work on for YOU. Second I would find the top 3 things that were said that impact you the most and put feelings to them.

      Finally, I'm just confused as well as curious-- how will be Brad be paying attention to Brady in the pits? Won't he be busy doing his pit work?

      Comment


      • wow............. Brad can lay it out there huh??

        I agree with Marcadav....... sometimes a good look in the mirror and some painful self analysis is necessary. When hubby and I were going through counseling I had to some face some things about myself that were not very comfortable - but had to be dealt with because those things were contributing to our problem.

        We all have our own perspective of the world........ sometimes we have to respect what others are seeing and take it to heart. I know you want to be the best mother and wife that you can be......... to do that you might need to listen to what others are saying.

        Hope that's not harsh........... just trying to keep it real. We wouldn't be of much use to each if we only pushed the feel-good-button.
        1. Love ME no matter what noises are screaming at me, or who is trying to tear me down.
        2. Eat to heal
        3. Move to live
        4. Embrace today
        5. Live with intention
        6. Respect my body
        7. Cultivate joy
        8. Find my passion
        9. Meditate on peace in my soul

        Comment


        • Took a walk over lunch - as much as I didn't want to, I knew I needed to get out of the office. I did some reflecting while I was out walking around barely fast enough to satisfy my pact and I realized I'm exhausted. Mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted. I feel like I'm always fighting against something... I'm fighting weight gain, I'm fighting mental health illnesses, I'm fighting financial stress, I'm fighting clutter at home, I'm fighting clutter in my head, I'm fighting the emotional stress of a discontented marriage, I'm fighting this life I lead because it's not exactly what I want, I'm fighting stagnation, I'm fighting the realization that life isn't what I want it to be. I'm fighting all the damn time and I'm tired. I'm so tired that all I want to do is sit and watch everyone else have fun and live their life in a carefree manner - all the while making a list of all the things I should be doing to keep ahead of all the things that need done...

          And while I'm fighting, I'm becoming resentful of Brad b/c he's not also fighting. He's watching tv or working on the race car or reading something on the racing message boards, or playing games on his phone (all those things he accuses me of doing instead of playing with our kids - trust me, he's not as innocent as he makes himself sound in that email). He's off work today and the kids are out of school. Makenna is at SIL's and Brady is with Brad and his dad, so he sent me a picture of Brady jumping on a trampoline with our friend Amy out at her farm. They looked like they were having fun and for a split second I wished I was with them - then I remembered I'm not a fun lover... I'd be sitting in the lawn chair taking pictures while Brady asked me to join them... Why don't I want to have fun? Because I'd be embarrassed? Yeah... honestly. I'd feel like I was being watched and beign watched makes me uncomfortable. Is it because I'm lazy? No, I'm not really lazy... lazy people don't go to the gym every day or run marathons or work so damn hard to keep their house clean... I'm not lazy by any stretch... I'm wiped... stripped of all energy for anything fun. It's no wonder I spend so much time on the couch playing on my phone or on the computer... I'm zapped and just want something relaxing and mindless... there's no need for thinking while playing What's the Phrase or reading facebook... Being wiped explains why I get so annoyed with my kids when they ask for things - b/c that means work... relaxing, mindless blob time is over - time to go back to work... This really hit home for me yesterday as I was going through some of the homework Brady brought home. He had a page with a few sentences written on it. One was about racing, one was about planting things in the garden, one was about riding on the 4-wheeler with dad, one was about jumping on the trampoline with his sister, and I think there was something about the dogs. No mention of Mom... there was mention of the garden, but not Mom... which made me sad.

          Wednesday afternoon, after the shock and anger of Brad's email, when I got home, Brady was putting on his shoes or something getting read to go out and play and Makenna was already outside playing. Brady said "mom, come play with us". I told him I couldn't b/c I had to get dinner started. His response was "well, you'll be lonely then" - not in a mean way, just in an observation kind of way... In my head, I responded with "I already am, buddy, I already am" and I proceeded to cry over the sink - after crying all the way home from work.

          So, while walking today I started evaluating whether or not I needed to get back on anti-depressants or the ADD meds or if I just needed to pick up the amino acids again so that maybe I'd have more energy for doing something fun - I was leaning toward the amino acids, but then I wondered what the hell the difference was? I'd still be taking a mood altering substance - who cares if it's natural or synthetic... I'd still be taking something... I should just fight it off on my own... then I realized I'd still be fighting... so I thought about therapy b/c I seriously feel so drained and washed out that maybe I just need to talk to someone and get it all out b/c every day I feel like I'm caged up screaming and raging inside and no one is hearing it b/c I'm fighting against it b/c I don't want to appear weak or frail or, even worse, like a failure.

          Then I thought, maybe I just need to just stop fighting all together... stop fighting my emotions, stop fighting the chores at home, stop fighting the financial issues that burden me so much, stop fighting the weight and fitness goals... just stop. But, I can't even do that... if I stop doing the chores at home, DHS will swoop in and yank my kids... if I stop the weight and fitness stuff, I'll get fat and depressed again (wait... I'm already there...)... if I stop fighting my emotions, well, I don't know what could happen... if I stop fighting the financial stuff, we'll end up in worse condition than we already are... and obviously, I can't quit my job... Something has to give, but what? What can I give up that won't completely unfurl all the work I've done to this point? What can I give up control over and not end up spinning completely out of control just waiting to crash and burn? What is one thing (or maybe even two things) I can give up, for now, to lighten the load? Pact...

          So, I decided I would give up on the workouts for now. I was able lose weight just walking and focusing on diet when I first discovered Primal, so that's what I'm going to do. I put my Pact on an "open ended break" so that I could avoid worrying about whether or not I was going to have to pay out $5 for a missed workout or missed veggie or whatever... which will also allow me to stop tracking food. I can still go to the gym, but there will no longer be that REQUIREMENT to go to the gym. I can go if I want or skip if I want... I immediately felt better, honestly.

          If I'd reached this point a few days earlier, I could have opted out of Thirty-One too, but I've already invested the money, might as well at least try to get it back - plus I already have three bookings... hell, that'll probably end up as a fun escape anyway. And if it ends up being too much, I can let it go. I suspect it'll be ok though if I'm not training for a race, busting my hump in the gym everyday, and trying to keep up with the demands my Pact agreement.

          I don't want to give up gardening b/c I truly enjoy it. Even though Brad says it'll be overgrown in a month (he's full of shit, by the way), I enjoy getting my hands dirty and soaking up the sun while pulling a few weeds (as long as no spiders pay me a surprise visit, I'll continue the weeding). I enjoy finding the products of those plants and making them into something delicious (even though they're delicious on their own. I enjoy the work, the physical labor of it.

          So for now, the first step in lightening my load is to do away with the STRUCTURED workouts... If I want to go for a run, I will. If I want to throw a barbell around, I will... but I won't be FORCED to at this point. Right now, I have no intentions of running a marathon this fall - not even a half marathon. As much as I long to run another half marathon, I can't commit to it right now.

          And I'm doing this for ME! Not b/c someone told me I'm taking on too much or b/c someone is complaining that I'm too busy. I'm doing this because I want a break. All I'm doing is giving up Pact for now and opting out of training. I'm not giving up working out completely - just giving up the commitment to do it with the frequency that I was doing it. I think that's fair and a good starting point to a happier me.

          And I think I'll start taking 5-htp again, just for a boost.

          ***

          In regards to what was said to me and about me? I'm still pissed and I'm still hurt and I'm not ready to bury the hatchet yet... I'm not ready to forgive just yet... that will require more time, more walks in the sun, and more soul searching.
          Primal since March 5, 2012
          SW: 221 | CW: 204 | LPW: 166 | UGW: 140 (80 lbs loss)



          Comment


          • Funny how I was typing all that out while you two were sending your messages...
            Primal since March 5, 2012
            SW: 221 | CW: 204 | LPW: 166 | UGW: 140 (80 lbs loss)



            Comment


            • Marcadav put it better than I could have.

              Jenn, I'm glad you had time to reflect to yourself today. It sounds like you came to some helpful realizations. I understand the displeasure of having the "crutch" of SSRI's or amino acids being so similar. While I think amino acids are unquestionably a better option, it IS something that some people might have to rely on. It's one of those things that I try to remember, that mental illness is an ILLNESS and sometimes that requires medication to maintain health. You do what you need to do to be healthy, mentally, and the rest will get worked out along the way. And remember we're always rooting for you.
              Depression Lies

              Comment


              • There are times, when I write things like this, that I wish it wasn't a public forum - that it could be kept private and that no one sees it - not even my friends here. Not because you guyd don't have valid insights to share, but because I don't want it to collect attention... I think I might try to find another place to write out my feelings, privately, but electronically b/c writing by hand is not my thing (I get too concerned about my penmanship looks and focus less on getting things out) and online so I can access it anywhere...

                Not because I don't value what you guys have to say, but because I think I'm becoming more and more introverted as days go on and the attention that some of my posts receive is not what I'm looking for. Sometimes I'm just looking to purge.
                Primal since March 5, 2012
                SW: 221 | CW: 204 | LPW: 166 | UGW: 140 (80 lbs loss)



                Comment


                • I think you're off to a good start, Jenn.

                  As for the fighting........... well - that's a lot of things to fight against!! How 'bout looking at everything and deciding on ONE thing that you're going to tackle........ and with all the others, just tread water for a bit. Just keep things constant without feeling the need to conquer! What's the ONE item of all those you listed that will make the biggest impact on you emotionally and on your family as a whole??

                  Tackle that ONE thing........... get a good firm grip on it and do what's needed to get it under control. If its finances...... then go for it! Course, that one will require Brad to be ALL in as well. If its cleaning and uncluttering the house - then dig and do it. Take out - throw out - donate - and clean up.

                  Whatever........ just pick one....... and give it you're all. Then pick another one........ and keep going.

                  I think you should get some help with the depression/anxiety issue. Be it natural or synthetic - do what works best for you. Do what you're most comfortable doing.
                  1. Love ME no matter what noises are screaming at me, or who is trying to tear me down.
                  2. Eat to heal
                  3. Move to live
                  4. Embrace today
                  5. Live with intention
                  6. Respect my body
                  7. Cultivate joy
                  8. Find my passion
                  9. Meditate on peace in my soul

                  Comment


                  • Treatmentdiaries.com, you can post publicly (within the community, have to login to view anything) or privately (nobody can read it but you).
                    Depression Lies

                    Comment


                    • I found Write In Private: Free Online Diary And Personal Journal | Penzu.
                      Primal since March 5, 2012
                      SW: 221 | CW: 204 | LPW: 166 | UGW: 140 (80 lbs loss)



                      Comment


                      • Just came up with a nickname for MIL: Her Highness... it works in two ways!! Bwahahahahahahaha
                        Primal since March 5, 2012
                        SW: 221 | CW: 204 | LPW: 166 | UGW: 140 (80 lbs loss)



                        Comment


                        • Oh god I give people mental nicknames too. One of my sergeants was Korean Jesus...

                          Comment


                          • So, Brad and I talked this morning. It turns out he's pissed at his mom too and part of his email was him taking his anger for her out on me... some of what he said was valid and we talked about it and we're good. He's very angry with his mom tho and I don't suspect it'll be long before he spews it. Explaining why he's so angry will take more typing than I'm willing to do on my phone. Part of me is thinking I need to find a more hidden place to share stuff like this with you all, so at some point, I'll open a secret squirrel hidig place and share the password with those that I trust to have it... which will be the regular communicators and none of the lurkers (unless I know the lurker as a regular around here that is...)

                            So, Brad and I have talked and we're good.
                            Last edited by jenn26point2; 04-19-2014, 05:11 PM.
                            Primal since March 5, 2012
                            SW: 221 | CW: 204 | LPW: 166 | UGW: 140 (80 lbs loss)



                            Comment


                            • I'm glad you talked and things are resolved. I hope Brad can let his mom know how he feels and that it helps the overall family dynamic. Especially how MIL and SIL interact with you.

                              Comment


                              • Kinda late to all this but wanted to say I'm sorry you're going through this! Also holy hell you ran a marathon, that's an amazing accomplishment! I'm familiar with in law drama myself and it sucks so much. Glad things are better with your husband, though.

                                I think writing helps a ton, once I got over feeling like a teenage girl I really embraced it as a medium to work through things.

                                A happy Easter to you and yours and once more: way to run a marathon!!!!!!



                                Sent from my iPod touch using Marks Daily Apple Forum

                                Comment

                                Working...
                                X