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My Journey from Sugar Burner to Fat Burner - jenn26point2's Primal Journal

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  • Have a sitter for my kids. My mom said she could watch them while I go to hooding. She volunteered to go to hooding and watch the kids, but then prefaced that by saying she would not go to graduation if she went to hooding... Really? Whatever. I guess this way I can enjoy hooding and the reception with my classmates and professors and relax for a while and not have to worry about entertaining anyone else. But that being said, I'll probably be the only person there without a guest.

    When Mom asked which one I preferred she go to, I told her I don't care b/c quite honestly I'm fed up with the whole thing and don't care if anyone comes anymore. I told her I'm tired of people flaking out and finding reasons to not go, so I don't care anymore. I'm sure she'll ask Brad about it since she's riding up with him to the ceremony on Saturday. I don't even care anymore. I just want it to be done. Something that was supposed to be a huge thing for me has turned into a huge burden for everyone else so it's not even fun or exciting anymore.

    Looking back I should have looked into the cost of graduation pics... I didn't do it b/c my dad's a professional photographer and figured I'd just have him take some, but he's had carpul tunnel surgery in both wrists this month so I don't know that he'll be able to hold up his camera to take pics! I'll have to have my stepmom take them.

    At some point I'm going to have to put on my cap and gown and take a pic with my kids. I really want a picture of my kids with me in my get-up. But that can be taken in the backyard or something. It doesn't have to be that day.

    My 3 mile run over lunch helped my mood. It wasn't a great run, but it was enough to push some endorphins and dopamine, so I'm feeling pretty good right now. Trying to keep it that way.
    Primal since March 5, 2012
    SW: 221 | CW: 204 | LPW: 166 | UGW: 140 (80 lbs loss)



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    • I just learned I got a raise... $1431 a year increase in pay... I got a step increase (Canio will understand what this means - it's not a rank increase, but a "level" within a rank increase). The remarks at the bottom of the SF50 say "Work performance is at an acceptable level of competence".

      This is interesting and intriguing to me b/c I haven't even SEEN my appraisal yet and the pay increase went into effect on the 5th.
      Primal since March 5, 2012
      SW: 221 | CW: 204 | LPW: 166 | UGW: 140 (80 lbs loss)



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      • I don't know how it works for military/gov't organizations, but 3-5% increase annually is pretty standard for most office jobs, or so I've been led to believe. I don't know how that factors into your salary, however. As long as your performance is "sufficient" (no reason to let you go), you get a raise.
        Depression Lies

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        • The army is not giving standard across the board raises anymore. We used to get an automatic 3% every year, but since 2010 that has been stopped due to budget cuts. Now, you either get a raise, or a bonus, and they don't give them to everyone (at least my boss doesn't). I saw appraisals come through with absolutely zero for a bonus/raise, and some only got time off awards (like 40 hours of vacation), which is why I feared whether or not I would get one at all. But a whole step increase, which factors out to be a 3% raise, is pretty cool. I only saw a handful of step increases this year. Most people got cash bonuses... my step increase is higher than most of those cash bonuses were, except I have to take my bonus in little bits as the year goes by, and since it's a raise, it'll be here yet next year too, in addition to whatever bonus/award I might be given next year (next appraisal period for me is December)... a one time cash bonus is just that... once. This one will happen every year. lol

          To compare, my boss got a pretty hefty bonus - what I would consider hefty anyway. My step increase is only $70 less than her bonus.

          Keep your bonus and give me a step increase any day!! lol
          Primal since March 5, 2012
          SW: 221 | CW: 204 | LPW: 166 | UGW: 140 (80 lbs loss)



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          • Yay on the step increase! If I could go to your graduation, I totally would. I could even visit an old friend from school who lives in IA. We'll be there in thought.
            Georgette

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            • My mom, dad, stepmom and husband are going to graduation, just not the hooding ceremony which is part of the overall graduation ceremony. It's specifically there to differentiate between grad students and bachelors students. I had anticipated everyone going to both, not just one so my feelings are kind of hurt. I'll get over it eventually and it too will just become a memory.
              Primal since March 5, 2012
              SW: 221 | CW: 204 | LPW: 166 | UGW: 140 (80 lbs loss)



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              • Still in a foul mood today. Woke up cranky b/c Makenna was being exceptionally whiney. Banged my forearm on a door knob that hit just right and now my wrist and hand hurt and my hand feels weak. Must have hit a nerve with it. It started raining on my way to work so I turned around and went back home to close windows, getting me to the bridge at 8:08 this morning. The span was open, so the bridge was closed to let a barge pass... once it finally opened, there was an accident or something that further delayed traffic. I didn't get to work til 8:30... half hour late. Then I slipped going up the stairs and fell. Didn't get hurt, tho.

                I'm still angry about graduation. I may or may not have said something to SIL about being pissed that people have flaked on me. She started giving excuses about why she couldn't watch the kids - some kids' birthday party or some shit. I'm sure said kid will have other birthdays. Even so, I wasn't expecting siblings to go, but parents I most definitely expected to be there and MIL was the first to flake. Mom's not going to hooding so she can go to my nephew's umpteenth little league game, like he won't have more of those. When I sent her a text last night telling her that I definitely need her to watch the kids b/c Brad's grandma never called me back, she started acting like she didn't want them. Told me to call my cousin b/c she's home this weekend. I told her I didn't have the money to pay cousin and I'm tired of jacking with it. I should probably be upset with Dad for not going to hooding, but I haven't talked to him about it. He might not have any clue about it b/c I've only talked to stepmom about it. He had carpal tunnel surgery on both of his wrists, so he's not supposed to be driving, but I could go get him... Brad posted on facebook that the race team is going racing so he still hasn't learned that "do whatever you want" doesn't really mean "do whatever you want" when the wife says it. I was very angry last night b/c he only unloaded the dishwasher ONE TIME after our discussion last week... it apparently didn't dawn on him that I was mad about that, despite very loudly putting dishes away. We'll see if it's unloaded tonight.

                I'm just fed up with all the bullshit. If you say you're going to do something, do it. Don't make up excuses for why you can't do it all of a sudden. Week in and week out people go to the race track to support Brad and his effing hobby, but I ask people to go to my college graduation, a once in a lifetime freaking thing and all of a sudden there are too many other obligations. Whatever. You get what you put out, so for now on, I'm not putting out any extra. I'm done giving myself to others when no one gives back.

                I'm just... I'm done. That's all. Done. I've reached my max.
                Primal since March 5, 2012
                SW: 221 | CW: 204 | LPW: 166 | UGW: 140 (80 lbs loss)



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                • Hugs

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                  • Went in to make a student loan payment and learned one is not due this month like I was told and planned for. I called the loan servicer so I could verify I didn't owe anything this month and she said my school updated my enrollment status to go through May 31, so no payment is due for May. I am to keep checking to see if a payment is due for June or not (she thought maybe I wouldn't owe anything til July). This is great news b/c that will ALMOST pay for the dog's vet appointment.
                    Primal since March 5, 2012
                    SW: 221 | CW: 204 | LPW: 166 | UGW: 140 (80 lbs loss)



                    Comment


                    • Originally posted by jenn26point2 View Post
                      Jawbone has a thing called the Up that I want. It looks like a bracelet. But is 129$. It works like the bodybugg. Both the Up and the BodyMedia devices talk to your phone so you can see where you're at with your daily goals, but its not on the device like the fitbit Julia's talking about.
                      Yanno, I think it actually does talk to your phone.... if I read the website right.

                      You can also sync it up with MFP and a trillion other sites to give you the information on
                      your phone as well.

                      FitBit has a lot of apps you can sync it with, even this cute little one called "Welly" - welly hatches
                      from an egg and "grows" with the activity you do during the day.

                      I have a stupid way old cell phone, so I can't use Welly, but man is he cute!

                      I do understand though that you'd like the jawbone cuz it uses the same platform/software/whatever
                      (i'm not technical, dunno) as bodymedia. I'm just saying that the fitbit does have some cool apps
                      and stuff it does as well. Maybe not the fitbit zip, but for sure the fitbit one and their own bracelet
                      version.

                      One of these days I'll get a Big Girl Phone and be able to do fun stuff too! HA!

                      In other news, sorry about the husband/family stuff going on. It really super sucks and I've been there.

                      I finally figured out at 44 that: 1.) if you want something done and done right, do it yourself and
                      TRY not to get into a snit about it (this is hard) and 2.) that no one loves or cares about my children
                      as much as my husband and I do, so when others don't step up, I shouldn't be mad because it's not their
                      job, and if they don't want to be around my kids, it's THEIR EFFING LOSS.

                      My kids are 11 and 8.

                      My mother has NEVER ONCE asked to baby sit or has NEVER ONCE asked to come over
                      and spend time with them on her own volition. It's either because it's a family function
                      or she has a dr's appt in the area and needs a place to sleep.

                      My father lives in Los Angeles and sees my kids maybe 3 times a year for an hour.

                      I've really had to cowgirl up and just freaking realize my children have ZERO grandparents
                      or anyone else for that matter, that REALLY CARE and who REALLY WANT TO PARTICIPATE.

                      It's been a hard pill to swallow at the ripe old age of 44, but yanno, all I can do is make my
                      kids' lives the best they can be with just what their father and I can do.

                      Whatever else happens, is just gravy.

                      Bitter gravy, but I'm getting over it.

                      So anyway, I feel you, and sorry for the rant in your journal.

                      Julia

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                      • Rant away... we all have reasons to rant at times and it needs to get out.

                        I just feel like in the last year or so my relationships with everyone have started falling apart and that it's completely out of my control. My relationship with my mother-in-law has gone down hill since she found out she's got fibro. I can't pinpoint the time when the relationship with my SIL started to slide. Our relationship goes up and down... it's good most days, but drops others. And I don't know if my relationship with my husband has always sucked and I'm just starting to get fed up with it or if something happened to it along the way. I don't know if the problem is me as the common denominator or if it's something else.

                        Quite honestly, it feels like since I discovered primal, my personal relationships have gone to shit, which is right about the time MIL found out she had fibro.

                        But with all this crumbling around me I want to escape and get out. Abandon ship before it fully sinks and pulls me down with it, ya know? I've developed this feeling like I don't belong anymore. Like I don't fit in. Like everything is forced instead of natural anymore. I don't even like to be around them anymore b/c I don't feel like one of them like I did before. I used to hang out at MIL's house every night when Brad was on second shift - sometimes eat dinner with them. We're not even invited to dinner anymore.

                        I don't know... is my depression not actually better and I still need meds or were the meds masking shitty relationships or making me a different person and now no one likes me? And if that's the reason, how do I fix it??

                        Do I even WANT to fix it? It's a really weird limbo and I don't like it.

                        Gawd, I need therapy... *sigh*
                        Last edited by jenn26point2; 05-09-2013, 10:02 AM.
                        Primal since March 5, 2012
                        SW: 221 | CW: 204 | LPW: 166 | UGW: 140 (80 lbs loss)



                        Comment


                        • OOh girrrl! I know this feeling you speak of, BOY DO I KNOW IT.

                          And yeah, it IS rough, and a tough spot to get out of, but you will, I promise.

                          In the meantime, book a trip to California and come play with me for a week.

                          We can go hiking, you can have your own bedroom and a buncha other fun stuff.

                          When you get home, at least Brad will be bowing to you the minute you walk in
                          the door with the revelation of ALL YOU DO and what get's done by you ISN'T MAGIC.

                          He'll forget about it in a month's time, but that's precisely the time to plan another
                          trip to my house.

                          Yes, that's it, monthly trips to California.

                          See, I have it all figured out.

                          Julia

                          Comment


                          • I think your final conclusion is a good one. Now sounds like a good time to hash it out with a pro and find out the root of things.

                            Semi-related: are you still taking 5-HTP and feeling like you are getting any benefit from it?

                            Sometimes things just suck, sometimes our brains are screwy, and sometimes it's both. What's most important is being able to deal with it. In the end, you CAN eliminate poisonous relationships in your life and forge new ones, but you can't do that without your head on right, you know?
                            Depression Lies

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                            • I am still taking 5-htp. 100 mg a night. Some days it helps, others it does not.
                              Primal since March 5, 2012
                              SW: 221 | CW: 204 | LPW: 166 | UGW: 140 (80 lbs loss)



                              Comment


                              • Originally posted by InSearchOfAbs View Post
                                OOh girrrl! I know this feeling you speak of, BOY DO I KNOW IT.

                                And yeah, it IS rough, and a tough spot to get out of, but you will, I promise.

                                In the meantime, book a trip to California and come play with me for a week.

                                We can go hiking, you can have your own bedroom and a buncha other fun stuff.

                                When you get home, at least Brad will be bowing to you the minute you walk in
                                the door with the revelation of ALL YOU DO and what get's done by you ISN'T MAGIC.

                                He'll forget about it in a month's time, but that's precisely the time to plan another
                                trip to my house.

                                Yes, that's it, monthly trips to California.

                                See, I have it all figured out.

                                Julia
                                That would be fun, but... money would prevent it from ever being a reality - at least for the next few years.
                                Primal since March 5, 2012
                                SW: 221 | CW: 204 | LPW: 166 | UGW: 140 (80 lbs loss)



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