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My Journey from Sugar Burner to Fat Burner - jenn26point2's Primal Journal

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  • Can i just say this paper is kicking my ass?? It's one of those "assess your learning for this period" papers... UGH. I hate bullshit papers. I'd rather write about what I discovered while analyzing my research project... Not how I developed as a "leader". *sigh* Almost done... almost done...
    Primal since March 5, 2012
    SW: 221 | CW: 204 | LPW: 166 | UGW: 140 (80 lbs loss)



    Comment


    • I feel your pain. Touchy feely stuff. All carbs, no meat.

      As for the cards, I agree with NW. Do what you're comfortable with. I mean, with the whole family's names in there, they aren't going be getting funny ideas.
      5'2", 55 years, Primal since April. Pre-Primal weight loss, from 216.6 to 157.8
      Primal low: 140.2 (Dec. 3) Goal weight: 135?
      Main Primal goal: beating back my CFS enough to function more normally and start writing again

      More and more, our life has been governed by specialists, who know too little of what lies outside their province to be able to know enough about what takes place within it.
      - Lewis Mumford

      Comment


      • So last night I was pretty upset about something that was far away from me in regard to personal involvement. There are two girls who have been missing from Iowa since July 13. No one has had any leads on where they might have gone, who might have taken them, etc. Yesterday, some hunters found the bodies of two young people in the woods. It's really bothersome to me for two reason. 1. I have kids. and 2. I lived in that area during between 1998 and 2002 while I was attending college. The town was really close to where I went to college so we would sometimes end up there for food or haunted housing, etc. I'd been following this story from the beginning and while I don't know the girls or their families, I have been hoping for their safe return.

        Yesterday when Brad called me to tell me the girls were potentially found, at first I was relieved for the families to finally get closure on what happened to their daughters. Then I was very sad for them because they'll never get to see their little girls alive again. You know they likely bought Christmas presents for the girls in hopes that they would be returned in time for the holidays. I cried when I found this thought. This is not what Christmas is about! It's not supposed to be a time of sorrow and mourning! It's supposed to be a time to rejoicing the wonderful things in our lives and someone took that away from them! Then I got angry b/c some sick bastard has been walking around since July after having taken these girls and plotting their death, all the while living as if nothing he (or she) was doing was wrong.

        I had hoped beyond comprehension that they would bust into a house and find these girls inside, alive and well. What I fear is that the person who did this lives close to the grandmother, was possibly a friend or acquaintance of the grandmother (the girls were in the grandmother's care when they were taken), like a neighbor a few doors down or something. And if that's the case, then I'll be pissed that the police didn't sweep every single house in town! Any right minded person would willingly open their doors to allow the police to check if children are missing. I would, anyway. Anything to help out with the search.

        Of course, the police department is under scrutiny b/c they didn't file an Amber Alert right away (initially they thought the girls had drown in the lake b/c they found their bikes on the bike path next to the lake), so no Amber Alert was given (besides, since there are no witnesses of their disappearance, they had no vehicle description or anything else to broadcast at the time).

        The police haven't disclosed where the bodies were found - just saying a "wooded area", but it was in the same county they were abducted from, so likely they were found not far from home.

        I'm so terribly saddened for the families. I can't even imagine what they are feeling right now. I can speculate about how I would feel if it was me, but I'm sure that's no where near what it would actually feel like. This is where my anxiety comes into play. I tend to put myself in other people's shoes when bad things happen and it makes me scare that the same thing could happen to our family. When that happens, I try to remember that instead of trying to feel their sorrow, I should be counting the blessings I have. My children are healthy. They're safe. They're loved by everyone around them. But even through all that, I'm hesitant to let my kids play outside without me there to watch... Because kids can get snatched way too quickly.

        WARNING: Agnostic/Athiest views follow

        I posted something on facebook about how I feel terrible for the family, blah, blah, blah, and someone posted that they're praying the family gets the closure it needs, and I just wanted to ask them Where was your God when you were praying for their safe return?? Where was your God when this person made the choice to snatch those girls?? Where was your God when these girls were being murdered? If God is all powerful, then he should be able to overpower all the evil in this world, for believers and non-believers alike. If we are all truly God's children, this kind of stuff wouldn't happen. What kind of Father would allow his children to be kidnapped, sexually assaulted (this didn't happen to the girls - as far as I know), tortured, tormented, and murdered??? You can't tell me that this is God's Plan b/c if it is, then God is just as evil to allow evil doings to take place. This is exactly the type of shit that happens in this world that makes me firmly believe there is no God. There can't be.

        I'm sorry if I offend anyone with those statements. I don't usually talk religion b/c I don't agree with it. I know that Christians, and other religions, have a way of justifying terribly heinous events, but I don't buy it b/c that would mean our Protector, the most powerful being in the universe, fails all too often.
        Primal since March 5, 2012
        SW: 221 | CW: 204 | LPW: 166 | UGW: 140 (80 lbs loss)



        Comment


        • Jenn - I'm so sorry you are struggling with this. It is terrible that there are sick, psychotic people who would intentionally do harm to others, and its especially bad when they harm children. But, God is not to blame. He created us with FREE WILL. The will to choose right or wrong - and we are responsible for the consequenses of our choices. God's way is always good and perfect - but man can choose His way, or the way of the evil in the world. Most unbelievers I have talked to base their feelings on this very subject. If there is a God - why is there evil in the world? And why do bad things happen? Many believers also struggle with these questions - especially when the bad things hit home or close to home.

          I find it interesting though that when bad things happen many unbelievers wrestle with this topic............ Is there a God who would allow these evil things to happen? And then I wonder ---- IF they truly DO NOT believe in any kind of God - why does this question keep coming up?

          My answer is that we all need to believe in something. Something bigger and more powerful than us. So, when we are trying to make sense out of these horrible events......... we try to find something to blame. We try to figure out why something in the universe didn't step in and stop this from happening.

          I believe in God. And I believe that there are times when He does intercede and stop bad things from happening. I don't know why He doesn't do it ALL the time. But, I still believe in Him. Thats faith.

          When I was younger I was trying to concieve. After 2 years of trying the doctor put me on clomid. I concieved twins after the first dose. I was so excited because I had always hoped to have twins. At 21 weeks I went into labor.......... my babies died. I gave birth to 2 tiny little perfect babies and they died. My cervix was too weak to carry the weight of twins, so that doctor concluded. I didn't blame God for it. We live in a fallen world - with imperfect and frail bodies - with imperfect and frail minds that sometimes decide to do really aweful things. God gave us all the good in the world......... The evil comes from our having free will to choose.

          I don't expect any of this to change the course of your thinking on the subject......... but I wanted to share my thoughts.
          1. Love ME no matter what noises are screaming at me, or who is trying to tear me down.
          2. Eat to heal
          3. Move to live
          4. Embrace today
          5. Live with intention
          6. Respect my body
          7. Cultivate joy
          8. Find my passion
          9. Meditate on peace in my soul

          Comment


          • Originally posted by tomi View Post
            When I was younger I was trying to concieve. After 2 years of trying the doctor put me on clomid. I concieved twins after the first dose. I was so excited because I had always hoped to have twins. At 21 weeks I went into labor.......... my babies died. I gave birth to 2 tiny little perfect babies and they died. My cervix was too weak to carry the weight of twins, so that doctor concluded.
            I'm so sorry, Tomi. I lost my first pregnancy at 6 weeks. They called it a chemical pregnancy. The hormones were there, but the cells didn't do their jobs. I was thankful that I lost the pregnancy at 6 weeks and not later. I'm so terribly sorry you had to endure such a loss. I can't even imagine what that must have been like, but it is most certainly a pain I don't wish on even my least enjoyed person (can't say enemy b/c I don't feel I really have any enemies).

            I hear your argument about God and will accept your argument as logical in theory. I just still have a really hard time believing. My analytical brain makes it very difficult to believe in something that can't be proven or disproven, ya know?
            Primal since March 5, 2012
            SW: 221 | CW: 204 | LPW: 166 | UGW: 140 (80 lbs loss)



            Comment


            • I think I have my paper done. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I think I brought in examples from previous projects too much, but it is what it is and I'm not going to stress over it anymore. I'd like to get an A in this class, but after learning there is no honors program with the graduate level degrees, I'm not as worried about my GPA anymore.

              My presentation kicks ass though.
              Primal since March 5, 2012
              SW: 221 | CW: 204 | LPW: 166 | UGW: 140 (80 lbs loss)



              Comment


              • Paper is done. And submitted. Presentation is submitted. Now I just have to give a 10 minute spoken presentation to the class and I am done with my project (as far as class is concerned, anyway... the actuall project will require a lot of months of work before it's completely finished).

                YAY!
                Primal since March 5, 2012
                SW: 221 | CW: 204 | LPW: 166 | UGW: 140 (80 lbs loss)



                Comment


                • So good that you are finished with that! Doesn't it feel good. I love the feeling of finishing a project. And checking it off my list.

                  Not going to address the other topic, because there's just too much to say, but sometimes just letting those feelings out, and knowing there are others caring, too, can help. Those poor little girls.

                  Comment


                  • Jenn, congrats on your weight loss, your son's improving behavior and ultimately health, and on finishing your paper and presentation.. Sorry about your job. Hopefully it will improve or you will find a better one. Admin jobs are hard for thinkers. I find some of the tasks below my skill set and talent and am struggling to rise out of that type of work. What is your degree in? Hopefully it will lead to new things.
                    My journal: http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread70684.html

                    Comment


                    • Originally posted by jenn26point2 View Post
                      I'm so sorry, Tomi. I lost my first pregnancy at 6 weeks. They called it a chemical pregnancy. The hormones were there, but the cells didn't do their jobs. I was thankful that I lost the pregnancy at 6 weeks and not later. I'm so terribly sorry you had to endure such a loss. I can't even imagine what that must have been like, but it is most certainly a pain I don't wish on even my least enjoyed person (can't say enemy b/c I don't feel I really have any enemies).

                      I hear your argument about God and will accept your argument as logical in theory. I just still have a really hard time believing. My analytical brain makes it very difficult to believe in something that can't be proven or disproven, ya know?
                      It was the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. I wanted a baby so bad! And then my body just spit them out....... I went through some very dark self hate and mixed up thinking. I mean, first my body wouldn't give me a baby - and then when it did - it took them away from me! I went through a mind/body separation to deal with the pain. I saw myself as separate from this imperfect body that would reject my babies - I knew I was going down the wrong mental path when I reached for my brush in the bathroom and was startled because I didn't know it was my hand reaching. At that point I knew I had to deal with my loss in a more healthy way and I worked through it. Years later I discussed this event with a counselor and he told me I was very fortunate to have the capacity to see that my thinking was skewed. He told me if I hadn't straightened out that path of thinking I would have ended up in a mental institution. Scary what the mind can do.

                      As for proving or disproving God................ thats why they call it FAITH . For me, though, the proof is in everything I see and hear and smell and touch and taste. The world and all things in it are so intricately created I don't believe in a New York second that all this perfection came from random selection. I believe it was devine design. How is it possible that just by accident our planet earth is the perfect distance from the sun to maintain the proper temperatures? That the moon is the perfect distance from the earth to maintain the tides? How is it that a sperm and an egg from every individual species will find each other at just the perfect time and create a new life? How is it that my body knows how to breath in and process molecules of air, that is perfectly suited to all living things? How is it that every living thing has its own DNA signature? Random selection couldn't possibly create such diversity and perfection. And when push comes to shove and I have to base it all on blind faith...... I'd rather believe and be wrong ---- then NOT believe and be wrong. I mean - if you believe and are wrong - what have you got to lose? But if you don't believe and are wrong............ oh boy - I don't want to be on that bus!

                      Anyway --- thats my take on it.
                      1. Love ME no matter what noises are screaming at me, or who is trying to tear me down.
                      2. Eat to heal
                      3. Move to live
                      4. Embrace today
                      5. Live with intention
                      6. Respect my body
                      7. Cultivate joy
                      8. Find my passion
                      9. Meditate on peace in my soul

                      Comment


                      • Congrats on the project completion, Jenn!

                        I'm with Tomi on this one. If God prevented us from doing bad things, we wouldn't be free. We would just be computer programs, running our codes. And freedom isn't real if you don't have real choices with real consequences. Unfortunately, our bad choices can and do affect others. C.S. Lewis (yes, the Narnia guy) wrote a great book on this subject, The Problem of Pain. He was great for tackling hard questions straight on.

                        Don't live in fear for your children. One of the worst things we can do for our kids is swaddle them. Believer or not, statistically, the chance of anything happening is very, very low. We avoid needless risk, absolutely, but kids have to live their lives.

                        My oldest son lived with a roommate whose older brother had died at the age of ten. After that, his parents turned into super-helicopter parents. When he went off to college, they even drove into town every week to do his laundry. This kid could not handle any kind of stress or setback. He would get suicidal over bad grades. He had no skill set for handling any kind of adversity, because his parents had handled everything for him. Street-proof your kids, and let them play outside.
                        5'2", 55 years, Primal since April. Pre-Primal weight loss, from 216.6 to 157.8
                        Primal low: 140.2 (Dec. 3) Goal weight: 135?
                        Main Primal goal: beating back my CFS enough to function more normally and start writing again

                        More and more, our life has been governed by specialists, who know too little of what lies outside their province to be able to know enough about what takes place within it.
                        - Lewis Mumford

                        Comment


                        • Originally posted by Kymma View Post
                          Jenn, congrats on your weight loss, your son's improving behavior and ultimately health, and on finishing your paper and presentation.. Sorry about your job. Hopefully it will improve or you will find a better one. Admin jobs are hard for thinkers. I find some of the tasks below my skill set and talent and am struggling to rise out of that type of work. What is your degree in? Hopefully it will lead to new things.
                          Ditto on the congrats!

                          I also feel that my job is below my abilities and so not utilizing my talents! I have a degree in Psychology - and I'm doing p/t admin. assistant work. I used to practically run the office........ then I left for a few years due to health issues. Now I'm assisting the guy that runs the office. Its okay. I don't want all that responsibility anymore - or the long hours! But I sometimes think I'm wasting my talents and strengths at this job.

                          You'll find something better suited to your needs and interests and talents as long as you keep looking and are open to new opportunities You're a smart girl!
                          1. Love ME no matter what noises are screaming at me, or who is trying to tear me down.
                          2. Eat to heal
                          3. Move to live
                          4. Embrace today
                          5. Live with intention
                          6. Respect my body
                          7. Cultivate joy
                          8. Find my passion
                          9. Meditate on peace in my soul

                          Comment


                          • Originally posted by Kymma View Post
                            Jenn, congrats on your weight loss, your son's improving behavior and ultimately health, and on finishing your paper and presentation.. Sorry about your job. Hopefully it will improve or you will find a better one. Admin jobs are hard for thinkers. I find some of the tasks below my skill set and talent and am struggling to rise out of that type of work. What is your degree in? Hopefully it will lead to new things.
                            Kymma, I have my bachelors in business management and am working on finishing up a master's degree in organizational leadership. I will be done, with any luck and newfound ability to keep myself on task and not procrastinate, come May 2013.

                            There are a lot of organizations in the area that pay for this type of degree (mine, John Deere, and others that I forget at this time) so I know I can take my degree places, but without the experience needed, I'd have to start at the entry level. Honestly, I get paid very well for what I do (ridiculously well, actually) and have grown accustomed to this salary and given mine and my husband's financial state (all b/c we spent within our means instead of well below our means), we now rely on this salary to remain afloat. I'm working diligently on our debt, but it's not going away fast enough so I can't take a lower paying job. Besides, when Brad was promoted, he lost 13 cents an hour after they gave him his pay raise and then took away his shift premium since he'll no longer be working swing. So, his checks will be going down a little bit, not much, about $10 a pay period (gross pay) but $10 is $10...

                            The problem I see here is that there are no positions I'm eligible for. There's a rank structure here based very loosely on the military rank structure. I'm currently a GS-08, which equates to an Army E-6. To get a different job, I have to find another GS-08 position (which are ALL secretarial jobs with no promotion potential) or find a GS-09 position (similar to an Army E-7 position), of which there are few and they're currently all filled. The plus is that they're creating some new GS-13 and GS-14 positions, which would give people 1 rank lower the opportunity to possibly move up, which would create a domino effect of people moving up, which would *hopefully* open up a couple of GS-09 positions I could put in for. As a veteran with 50% disability and a background in Army supply, I could possibly land one of them. I hope, I hope, I hope. By that time, I'll be done with my degree, so that'll certainly help.

                            On the weight loss front... I'm stuck. 188 today. Day 13 of my Whole30 and I've lost 3 lbs... that have stayed gone. So, I've been doing some thinking about what worked before and why it worked. Remember, the first two Whole30's I did, I lost 20 lbs each!! So... I was trying to remember what was different... the biggest thing I can see that's different is that I was walking then. 45 minutes 5x a week. I haven't been walking... probably not since September b/c I started dabbling in running again. The other thing I did before that I don't do now is track my macros. So, that's what I'm going to start doing again.

                            I REALLY need to decide if I want to run anymore. And by run, I mean participate in half marathons and what-not. Maybe that's something I should wait on until after I've lost the weight so it doesn't interfer with my losses. You know, one thing at a time... There's nothing saying I can't sprint occasionally - 2 miles a couple times a week will be fine, I'm sure. But I need to improve my movement.

                            Plus, with working on my thesis starting in January, training for half marathons might not be a good idea. Too much going on. I'll have my final class and my thesis to work on this spring, and once that's over, I can train for whatever I want and not get bogged down too much. That'll give me another 6 months to lose the weight and truly convert myself to a fat burner instead of a sugar burner.

                            Ok, decision made... lose the weight, then focus on running. To get the weight loss going again, I'll start out with a Whole30 in January (official one taking place at Whole9 | Paleo Nutrition, Nutrition Workshops, Nutrition for Health and Fitness Facilities, and the Original Whole30 Program, Designed to Change Your Life in 30 Days starting January 1... check it out!) and track macros while I'm doing it. Hopefully I will be able to make some headway with it if I'm controling the macros. I know that Primal says you don't have to track, but on some level it does make a difference. Especially if you're not moving. And I have no idea how much I'm actually consuming right now, which I'm sure is a big factor. But again, I'll deal with that after the holidays are over.

                            Christmas shopping with Brad tomorrow. I actually feel a little comfortable with where we stand with the Christmas finances. Of course, anything dealing with money drives my anxiety up, but I think we have a nice cushion for Christmas. We have a few family members to finish up, but otherwise we'll probably be focusing on our kids tomorrow. The only problem is that we have to go to Iowa City for one person to go to Scheel's and get a gift card (MIL wants gift cards so she can buy a new Iowa Hawks coat), but ToysRUs is in Davenport... we live right smack dab between the two cities... Not sure where we'll end up going to. Probably Davenport b/c Brad will want to shop for the kids and no one else. *sigh* I wish I was further along with this shopping. I'm normally not this far behind. I'm usually done and wrapping presents right now. I haven't wrapped a single present yet... *sigh*

                            My birthday's coming up too... I think I'm going to buy all my new clothes in a size 12... I don't want to buy any 14's and shrink out of them in a month... so I'll probably get all my clothes in a 12 and then hit Goodwill or something for a couple pairs of 14s that I won't feel bad about passing on. Or get a pair or two from walmart... I don't mind growing out of $20 jeans...

                            Ok, that's enough rambling for now. I hope everyone has a good Friday.
                            Primal since March 5, 2012
                            SW: 221 | CW: 204 | LPW: 166 | UGW: 140 (80 lbs loss)



                            Comment


                            • Also, remember that when you lost those first two sets of 20, you had a chunk to lose. The closer you get to your goal weight, the slower it goes. I would try to consider those as flukes, and not what you should expect in the future.

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                              • I don't expect to lose 20 lbs each time I do a Whole30... but in August I didn't lose a single pound when I did my most recent one. I was hoping to at least get back down to my low of 184 this time, which would have only been a 7 lb loss for the month, most of which should be water weight. I'm currently 44 lbs overweight. I wouldn't have expected it to come to a complete halt after 40 lbs, even if it does slow the closer you get, ya know?
                                Primal since March 5, 2012
                                SW: 221 | CW: 204 | LPW: 166 | UGW: 140 (80 lbs loss)



                                Comment

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