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  • Sabine - I am so sorry. Your story is sad, yet your realizations are encouraging. It is good to have the ability to look back, analyze and use that become better.

    I can relate. Picture: 34 year old, insecure and self centered woman, already with 3 daughters and now pregnant with #4(me). Husband is selfish, womanizing SOB who would rather cheat and spend his time in the bars than be a husband/father. 6 months before my birth --- he dies in an alcohol related car accident. Mom can't cope - becomes withdrawn alcoholic. She provides semi-safe home environment, but no love, attention or nurturing. No guidance except through fear of being kicked out. I vividly remember the first time I hear her say "I love you" -- I was 16 years old. I pretty much raise myself. Not worth much in my own eyes due to being worth nothing to my father - and very little to my mother but a burden. I struggle with finding who I am and how to find my purpose in life. I had no mother to model after - and no father to build a strong sense of female worth. I'm not quite sure how I became the woman I am. Not strong or confident really - but I'm a good person and I have stayed out of trouble.

    I get it............ many of us do. I think you're doing a great job working on overcoming. Keep going......... and if you should choose to share more..... I know many of us will benefit from your insights.
    1. Love ME no matter what noises are screaming at me, or who is trying to tear me down.
    2. Eat to heal
    3. Move to live
    4. Embrace today
    5. Live with intention
    6. Respect my body
    7. Cultivate joy
    8. Find my passion
    9. Meditate on peace in my soul

    Comment


    • I'm in a boat alongside y'all:
      Dad was/ is a functioning alcoholic. Mom was so wrapped up in her own head that we were pretty much left to ourselves. I learned to read the emotional weather of a room very early on: was Dad drunk and mean or drunk and fun, was Mom depressed and scary or lonely and withdrawn? To this day, physical touch is a really meaningful thing: we rarely got hugs and I can count the number of times my parents kissed me on one hand and have fingers left over. Mom's way of dealing when things got to be too much was to physically run away for several hours. We all internalized that as our fault, so yeah, I've got my fair share of abandonment issues. I raised myself, I raised my sisters, and half the time as a teenager, I raised my mother.
      Somehow, though, tidying has changed that broken piece of me, the tired little girl just wanting to be able to be a GD kid for once. It seems she able to come out and play more often and work through some of that... stuff. Could be all woo, but it's working.
      Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
      My Latest Journal

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      • very exciting about the job, but hope it doesn't cut into your time for writing.
        Chris
        "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It is about learning to dance in the rain."
        Unknown

        My journal: http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread36279.html

        My "Program": doing my version of a 4:3 - 3 day fast diet with real food every day, with a little twist of anti-inflammatory mixed in.

        Comment


        • Thanks for sharing your story of your mother and your childhood. I hope it helps you to post it here and received feedback and positive thoughts. I, of course, have my own mother issues, different ones, but there you have it. IMHO the mother-daughter relationship is the most complex of all human interactions.
          My journal - The Walrus: http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread108103.html

          Be silly, be honest, be kind. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

          Comment


          • I've been thinking on this and I wonder if this perspective might be useful. DISCARD FASTER THAN KONMARIE ON SPEED if it isn't.

            Perhaps your mother felt incredibly inadequate. So inadequate that she thought your father would be the better carer for her children. Perhaps she thought she was doing you a favour by leaving and allowing your father to take the lead.

            As someone who had thoughts like this at one point towards small boy - that I was completely surplus to requirements and simply ruined the boy dynamic he had going on with his father - I can see how this would develop. I am grateful that these thoughts that could have been a self-fulfilling prophesy were interrupted. I dread to think the guilt and self-loathing that would have befallen me if I had carried on down that path.
            Last edited by badgergirl; 02-05-2015, 03:01 PM.
            I like badgers, books and booze, more or less in that order.

            Comment


            • I have to admit that is where my thinking has been.
              Chris
              "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It is about learning to dance in the rain."
              Unknown

              My journal: http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread36279.html

              My "Program": doing my version of a 4:3 - 3 day fast diet with real food every day, with a little twist of anti-inflammatory mixed in.

              Comment


              • In the hopes that it will be helpful, I will relate a conversation I had with my own mother. She, in her old age, is tortured by her inadequacies as a mother. Despite our reassurance that she was a fine mom and did very well with the rather cruel hand she was dealt, she is very sad. As she told me, she simply didn't know what to do most of the time. Motherhood just didn't come naturally to her. She loved her babies, but in her own mind she was always foundering. And in those days, a mom didn't admit such a thing. Of course it would be difficult now as well, but then it was unthinkable.

                Anyway, sometimes people just can't handle stuff, with very sad consequences for others.
                My journal - The Walrus: http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread108103.html

                Be silly, be honest, be kind. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

                Comment


                • Childhood is an eternity for a child, but only a slice of life for an adult. I think of the mother I would have been in my 20s, in my 30s, in my 40s, and now in my 50s when I have taken on caring for the Girl - who I was and what I was going through were so different in each decade.

                  I find myself now sometimes saying things that leave me aghast. I don't mean to sound that angry or petty, but yikes! What a b*tch! I apologize and thankfully The Girl is very forgiving. The crap that adults say when stressed has very little to do with the child, but gets internalized and has huge effects throughout their lives. My mother, and her mother, were not happy people and the unkind things my grandmother in particular said were all about her, not about us. But it didn't feel that way when she said them. Part of growing up is realizing that they did the best they could with what they had (even if that "best" was horrible) and move on. The best therapist I ever had helped me learn to parent the little girl that I was, to give her everything she needed that my parents never gave. It is a technique that has helped me immensely. I highly recommend it.
                  I've had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened. ― Mark Twain

                  Writing on the Cave Wall - my Primal Journal

                  Comment


                  • What great insight! I hadn't even thought of that.
                    Primal since March 5, 2012
                    SW: 221 | CW: 204 | LPW: 166 | UGW: 140 (80 lbs loss)



                    Comment


                    • I've been reading your comments, and am absorbing them. But right now... I want to talk 'Magic'!



                      I got into the garage this morning, and although not doing tidying per se, I was able to make decisions left and right. Toss, garage sale, ask Middlest, put in its correct spot. Zip, zap, zoom! We can now walk to all corners of out garage, if we so choose. And several categories are all corralled, and ready to be tidied when I get to them. It feels great!!

                      And all the items I have been collecting for the Girl Scout garage sale are in boxes, stacked neatly, and labelled. Although still in our house, they have a final destination, and look like they are going there, not just like another pile. Feeling proud that several items were gifts, that I was able to let go, while feeling glad about the initial receipt.

                      AND, I am taking six boxes of crafty things to my friends' group tonight, for them to pick through. Any leftovers will be dropped off at the thrift store on my way home.

                      I have pulled together all the boxes of past writings. When I am able to tidy that category, they will be ready for me.

                      Trying Badger's tea tree oil trick on a plastic bottle that would be just the right size for another purpose, if I can just get the label goo off of it.

                      Enjoying a Down Day today, drinking water with lemon juice and salt. I had two cookies at Jason's Deli yesterday, and it was a mistake. The sugar crash made me sad and sleepy. Almost dozed off in the bath, and went to bed at 7:30.

                      Comment


                      • What are you using the tea tree oil for?

                        I would like to have a garage sale this spring but our house is on a dead end, and apparently on the wrong side of town for a garage sale. We don't get much traffic during City Wide Garage Sale Day.
                        Primal since March 5, 2012
                        SW: 221 | CW: 204 | LPW: 166 | UGW: 140 (80 lbs loss)



                        Comment


                        • Originally posted by Sabine View Post
                          Trying Badger's tea tree oil trick on a plastic bottle that would be just the right size for another purpose, if I can just get the label goo off of it.
                          Goo-Gone works really good Also - in a pinch - peanut butter seems to cut through a lot a sticky things.
                          1. Love ME no matter what noises are screaming at me, or who is trying to tear me down.
                          2. Eat to heal
                          3. Move to live
                          4. Embrace today
                          5. Live with intention
                          6. Respect my body
                          7. Cultivate joy
                          8. Find my passion
                          9. Meditate on peace in my soul

                          Comment


                          • [QUOTE=Sabine;1590508]I've been reading your comments, and am absorbing them. But right now... I want to talk 'Magic'!



                            Sabine, you are such a delightful person.

                            Comment


                            • Just put the tea tree oil full strength on whatever you want to remove, let it sit for 15 minutes and off it comes.

                              I'm heavily into Tidying Magic myself. Did my final closet. Even though it is not technically done - 2 plastic bins need to be sorted - I can reach everything and I know exactly what is in there. And I'm actually looking forward to going through the bins, which is a new sensation for me.
                              My journal - The Walrus: http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread108103.html

                              Be silly, be honest, be kind. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

                              Comment


                              • Watch the bottle carefully...I am a little worried the teatree will melt the plastic.
                                I like badgers, books and booze, more or less in that order.

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