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I can't imagine ever feeling "safe". I have gained and lost so many times as well. I guess that is something I'll have to work on when I get to goal. Did you hear the big "if" in there? I thought it. I'm not sure I believe I will ever get to goal.
Same here. I've been at this whole weight loss thing for so long it's become my life...
Primal since March 5, 2012
SW: 221 | CW: 204 | LPW: 166 | UGW: 140 (80 lbs loss)
I totally understand that feeling!! My dh sometimes tells me he just wants to give it a rest and stop thinking about it!! He has had a weight problem since his childhood also and for a man has a very hard tme losing... But today is a new day and my mindset is open to new possibilities and better days ahead
I know what you mean. I have been over-weight my whole life, or thought I was. (Oh, if I could only go back and shake some sense into my 16-year old self. I was perfect.)
Don't know how long it will take to adjust to being normal, either, WHEN I get there. No 'ifs' allowed on my pages. But that's a problem for later. After I have figured out 'safe'.
Last night I told him he should carry me to bed, since I now weigh less than he does. For some reason, he didn't go for it.
I laughed at this mental image!! man, you gave him the perfect opportunity to whisk you up & carry you off to bed to have his way with you!!! And he blew it!!! lol It sounded so romantic!!! oh well.
I agree with no "if's" in my journal either. I know I will eventually get to my goal...or somewhere close...I'll let my body decide. It may just take some time. But I feel like I finally I have the right information to become healthy & at a good weight for me. Of course I'm still reading & learning.
lamb stew with lamb, pot roast
carrot, celery, onion, garlic
1 square dark chocolate
9:00 dried fruits and nuts(24gC)
Water: 11 glasses
Bed at 9:15
Nuts all over the place. Most unlike me, but I was really wanting them.
I'll call it a carb-refeed, 'cause I don't know what else to say. It wasn't a 'cheat' exactly but it sort of sprang on me from nowhere.
I have completely slipped away from my stress management, not even thinking about it(which I guess is good, stress-wise). I'm going to try and do a dry-skin brushing today, (***) and I stopped typing and did my acceptance meditation just then.
This weekend will be filled with girl scout and child-driving activities. I may be meditating a lot more.
The gC stands for grams of carbohydrate. I don't count for veges, but do for extras like nuts and chocolate and higher-sugar fruits. (Berries are 'free' as far as I am concerned, but then, I find it easy to limit myself to a normal portion. Not so some other things.)
Dry skin brushing is when you use a bristle brush to brush yourself, from the outer ends of your limbs, in towards your heart. It is supposed to help your lymphatic system clear toxins among other things. It is also just feels good. Some people follow it up with alternating bursts of hot and cold water in the shower. I'm not that hard core.
Interesting about the parsley. Vitamin C really lurks in all kinds of nooks and crannies, doesn't it?
Still trying to figure out what to write, but I thought I would commit to actually writing down this afternoon's EVENT, by starting a post for it.(Friday afternoon)
Coll and PrimalCajun- I'm fine. It's just the eating.
I do NOT want to write this down. (Now Saturday morning.) I feel like a total idiot. The only way I wrote it in my paper journal was by putting asterisks around it and giving myself permission to ignore it, if i couldn't face it. Then, I felt very angry with myself, and started this post, so that i would be FORCED to come clean.
But I definitely don't want to. Whine, whine, whine.
I think I will start off with WHY, instead of WHAT.
Could I be sabotaging myself? Was the thrill of weighing less than my husband too much? Do I feel that I don't deserve to be attractive and feminine? That's what weighing less than he does means to me.
I remember when I was a teenager, about 14, I was sitting in front of Sears, waiting for my father. It was when those big, puffy down jackets were popular, and I was wearing mine. Two older teenage boys were walking up to the store. After they had passed me and were opening the door, one of them said to the other, 'I thought it was a guy.' The second laughed in agreement. I instantly assumed it was about me. (Still think it, though as an adult I acknowledge it is not always about ME, and could have been something else. The scene is still vivid in my mind: there was no one else around.) I was crushed. I have a squared face, high forehead, chunky nose. Not the ideals of femininity in our culture. But to be mistaken for a GUY? So humiliating.
I wasn't comfortable displaying the other proofs of femininity that our culture accepts: T & A, too bad, because I had 'em. But that was too much sexual attention for me.
So, there I was stuck with wanting to be feminine, but feeling as if I never measured up, unless I was sexual. Have I been feeling that way all these years? To the point I feel I don't DESERVE to be feminine? This makes me sad, just thinking about it.
I know that along with my abandonment issues, one of the things I like about being a mother is that it makes me feel very womanly. Maybe not feminine exactly, but the cousin to it. The closest I could get, I guess was my reasoning.
So, I wasn't thinking about all this yesterday when I went CRAZY, but it is the first thing that popped in my head when I asked myself 'why?'. I think I need to do some work on this. I am not going to submit to being unhealthy, over-weight, and out of shape to conform to an unwanted image of myself.
So, this is WHAT happened:
At lunch time I kept seeing all the crap the kids were eating. Only this time, i was tempted. Crackers with cheese, yum. Sugary yogurt, smack, smack. Pudding, oooh. I came home wanting to stuff my face.
I decided I would go with it, and make a primal, high-volume meal, that I could eat, and eat, and eat, and feel gorged on. I did: peppers, sausage, onions, sauerkraut, tomatoes. Delicious and lots of bulk. I ate until I could not eat any more.
And it didn't work. I started trolling through the kitchen for something, anything else, to stuff in my face, even as my stomach felt packed to capacity.
And I found it.
And I didn't stop.
Not even after I started this post.
And I felt horrible. But also, somewhat, spitefully, smugly, glad. Who was I showing? And what?
Not the best of days. But it is over. And I faced up to it.
And today is a new day(thanks, Scarlett).
Last edited by Sabine; 04-14-2012, 04:39 AM.
Reason: found the courage
How are you doing today? Sabotage days happen woman. It's good that you can at least pin point where the trouble comes from. At least so you can get in there and start hashing it out. I hope today brings much happiness to you
Don't let nobody try and take your soul. You're the original . --Switchfoot- The Original