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  • jennachica, I have been right there before. There was a time when I could only prevent binges with exactly the foods you're talking about. Then it got so bad that even that couldn't prevent them. Now, for the last 10 days, thanks be to God, I have been able to have a much more varied diet without any serious cravings (just the mild kind that I can say 'no' to, and they disappear).

    I can't say I understand it. I can say for sure that sufficient protein 3x/day, plenty of natural fats, and amino acids are critical to my health. But I can't say if/when the next fall will be. I can also say that I'm so grateful for the lessons I've learned through this, never to consider myself better than others, to judge them & their faults. I would never ever have chosen this path for myself, but it has made me a much better person. Now, I've learned my lesson already, can I have my normal life back now, God?!


    12+12:
    I have never dieted before. I will never diet. Ever. I will only ever eat foods that are nourishing and sustaining. Weight loss must always be an effect of improving health, not of calorie depletion. Excess weight is a symptom, not a disease in itself.


    Am I obsessed with food? Only when the cravings kick in. When things are settled, I couldn't care less. I remember those glorious months when "food is medicine, medicine is food," and food was not a game or a battle. I know that is normalcy. I know my hubby lives it every day. I pray with all my heart it returns to me. I can already feel it returning somewhat this week. Each day since last Sunday has been less caring about food than the day before. I'm not doing anything different from the week before, except one more dose per day of DLPA, and I don't think that's doing it. I think it's the time that has passed of filling up my AA tank every day, getting the greedy bacteria back in check, and waiting it all out.

    Self-destructive things I have done to avoid obesity: I used to skip almost every meal, b/c I ate all of my calorie allocation during the binges. But I stopped that 5+ years ago with Radiant Recovery, thanks be to God. I will never skip meals again. It's so destructive. I will nourish my body during meal time, come what (fat) may. I sometimes secretly interiorly wished I had the "courage" to purge, but I never had, TBTG. There is no destruction now except for the bingeing itself.
    5'4" 39yo mother to five sweeties & married to their AMAZING DaddyGrok
    Current Weight: 175lb__________________________________Goal: 135lb
    Deadlift: 240lb________________________________________Back Squat: 165lb
    Bench: 130lb__________________________________________Pre ss: 85lb
    ***Winning a 20-year war against binge eating disorder***

    Comment


    • 12+12, still Step One
      I don't think it's difficult to admit the unmanageability of my life, either. The bingeing (and the low-fat crap) has led to chronic fatigue, mood swings, & a constant feeling of stress not proportionate to my life. I can't keep up my house, homeschooling, activities, spiritual practices, relationships, and charitable endeavors all at once. So my house is a mess. And my stress level increases b/c of the messy house - I HATE CLUTTER. I have no expectation of perfection in my house, never, never, ever. I just don't want toys and clothes and food on every horizontal surface. So yes, it's unmanageable, and utterly out of my hands. Thanks be to God I am really good at the "do the best I can and leave the results in the hands of God" mantra. But that doesn't make it fair to my beloved hubby and children who have to live in this mess, too.


      "That these didn't make us happy was surely due to the fact that we were fat." Well, this is for sure not me. My family and marriage and homeschooling and faith all make me very, very happy. I am very happy. Growing fatter makes me frustrated, just as losing a job would make someone feel frustrated. It's an objectively bad sign of how things are going. But it has no bearing whatsoever on my personal happiness. It's something I deal with - "do the best I can and leave the results in the hands of God." Would I be happier if all these things stayed good and I also returned to a healthy weight? Not happier. More satisfied, more comfortable, more at ease, sure, but happiness has nothing whatever to do with external things like body size.


      I am by no means excelling at my job of being a homemaker, but I'm doing my best, and that's good enough. If and when I have more physical resources of energy and mental togetherness, then I will do a better job.


      Is life without excess food unbearable? I remember when I used to feel it would be. I felt at that time that "never having cheesecake again for the restof my life" would be HORRIBLE, like losing a sister. I never thought of the reality that "never having a cigarette again" sounds just as horrible to the smoker, yet I lived happily smoke-free and could attest to the fact that the addiction was lying to them. Now I know. Now I know in my head an din my heart that any such thoughts are lies of the addiction, and I refuse to believe them, even when they, increasingly more rarely, pop up again. My life is far from unbearable without excess food. It is a true joy, true freedom, one unshackled from the bonds of obsessive, addiction-created thoughts.


      Alright, gotta stop for tonight.
      5'4" 39yo mother to five sweeties & married to their AMAZING DaddyGrok
      Current Weight: 175lb__________________________________Goal: 135lb
      Deadlift: 240lb________________________________________Back Squat: 165lb
      Bench: 130lb__________________________________________Pre ss: 85lb
      ***Winning a 20-year war against binge eating disorder***

      Comment


      • OK, this is disturbing. I noticed today for the first time that I have the trigger finger thing going on in the evening. It has always before only been noticeable after many hours of sleep. And it's getting worse as the night goes on. ??
        5'4" 39yo mother to five sweeties & married to their AMAZING DaddyGrok
        Current Weight: 175lb__________________________________Goal: 135lb
        Deadlift: 240lb________________________________________Back Squat: 165lb
        Bench: 130lb__________________________________________Pre ss: 85lb
        ***Winning a 20-year war against binge eating disorder***

        Comment


        • Screwed it up this weekend. Again.

          Anyway... back to the journal...

          12+12
          No, I don't eat to sate fears, anxieties, angers, disappointments. Just Friday, when I was bombarded with a huge task list, all of which were of dire importance, plus screaming toddlers, melting down 12 year olds, and nagging in-laws, I had no temptation to retreat to food. In fact, I almost lost my appetite. When the cravings aren't there, I never ever eat emotionally. When they're strong, and I'm already bingeing, then and only then will I eat emotionally.


          I'm not sure I understand what it means that "we tried to manage every detail of life." I don't really feel I need to manage everything, only the things that I can control and that are worthwhile to me. I can't tell if they're saying that "all" compulsive overeaters share all these things, or that most share some of the things mentioned. If I ever tried to manipulate others or force others, I don't now. It's pointless. If I want someone else to do something, I search my heart for whether it's truly good for him, and if so, pray earnestly and prepare my response should the person ever come looking for my insight. Forcing is useless and manipulation is grotesquely disrespectful of autonomy and free will. God doesn't do it to me and I won't do it to others, even if it would be better if they would do the thing I want for them (like stop bingeing!).


          Yes, I end up demoralized when I try to control my bingeing and can't. Sometimes less so, when I reflect on how much it's truly out of my hands (even while doing whatever I can), sometimes moreso, when I try to remember to feel things and not just ignore negative feelings. I'm trying to learn to sit with feelings rather than disregard them and move past them.


          Yes, when I am binge-susceptible, I hide from pain by eating, just as I might hide from pain by a beautiful hike in the woods, a wonderful symphony, belting out a song, or some other pleasant thing. When I'm not binge-susceptible, I do not, and am not tempted to do so. Right now, I'm very close to being not binge-susceptible, and although I'll feel a twinge of craving, it's easy to think "I will not do that; I'll deal with stress or pain or craving or whatever some other way."


          I admit that often, the way others tell me to think through step one *sounds* like saying I can and should do nothing about my cravings other than OA. I will NEVER stop eating protein for every meal or plenty of natural fat or taking my amino acids, not for anyone. "God helps those who help themselves." "Work as if everything depends on me; pray as if everything depends on God (b/c it does)." I just keep talking, b/c I"m sure they don't mean that, lol, and I'll realize they're meaning the same thing even though our words are different.


          "We do have an incurable disease." I'm not so sure it's incurable, but I'm also not sure mine will ever be cured. So in the meantime, I have to consider, what if I've damaged my brain/gut/whatever so much that I can never get back to that place where "I don't care" about food again?


          I think that when I'm feeling resentful, it would be helpful for me to say, "I'm brain damaged. I can't eat that." As the book says, this is a freakin' FATAL disease!

          5'4" 39yo mother to five sweeties & married to their AMAZING DaddyGrok
          Current Weight: 175lb__________________________________Goal: 135lb
          Deadlift: 240lb________________________________________Back Squat: 165lb
          Bench: 130lb__________________________________________Pre ss: 85lb
          ***Winning a 20-year war against binge eating disorder***

          Comment


          • I should start a new Before/After thread.

            Ladies and gentlemen, in just 10 short months, I went from a size 6 to a 16!

            You can, too, if you can figure out how I did it, because I have NO IDEA how I did this!!
            5'4" 39yo mother to five sweeties & married to their AMAZING DaddyGrok
            Current Weight: 175lb__________________________________Goal: 135lb
            Deadlift: 240lb________________________________________Back Squat: 165lb
            Bench: 130lb__________________________________________Pre ss: 85lb
            ***Winning a 20-year war against binge eating disorder***

            Comment


            • Oh Mamagrok. My heart and prayers go out for you. I pray for God's Shalom to cover you-peace, wholeness. I am so sorry.
              Favorite Mark Quote: "I train to play."

              June 2010: 168.6 -size 16
              Current: 155 - size 10/12
              Goal:135 - size 8

              My Journal

              Comment


              • Thanks so much. I went through all the crying and self-pity last night, b/c I needed to, I guess, but now that I actually got out the old "fat" clothes, well, I'm just wearing them, and it is what it is.

                I thought that losing slowly was supposed to protect you from this, but I guess nothing can protect you from bad hormone supplements and ... whatever the heck else is going on now.

                I have only had one breakdown-and-binge episode in the last 3 weeks, yet my thighs went up another 1/2" this week. I don't know what the plan is, but I'm just getting through each day.
                5'4" 39yo mother to five sweeties & married to their AMAZING DaddyGrok
                Current Weight: 175lb__________________________________Goal: 135lb
                Deadlift: 240lb________________________________________Back Squat: 165lb
                Bench: 130lb__________________________________________Pre ss: 85lb
                ***Winning a 20-year war against binge eating disorder***

                Comment


                • Hello, I am new to these forums but I feel your pain. I have been there and only by the grace of God haven't binged today. Even with Primal foods I can find foods to binge on.

                  Comment


                  • I can't believe it's been this long since I posted. The last three months ahve totally sucked. 2013 was the worst year of my life. I started having crazy mood issues I've never had in my life, fixed them, still have some here and there. Cravings ramped up to levels I haven't seen since I first learned to increase fat and protein. Gained 20lb, lost 10 on amino acids, ran out of amino acids for ONE WEEK and have been bingeing like crazy ever since, even on full AA levels, and have since gained 20-25 more lbs. Now probably close to 35lb more than I was this time last year.

                    I have no idea what's happening to me. I'm falling apart. The discomfort from the extreme amounts of fat on my legs (I don't have irrational body image issues; they are nearly 27" each and that is insane) and rear makes it hard to do anything physical, and I LIVE to hike & ski & swim. I cannot wear any of my clothes and am in fat and maternity clothes again, which are all old and I feel frumpy, but refuse to buy expensive new clothes because that would honestly make me feel worse. Old ailments are coming back - dry skin, hacking cough, getting ridiculously sick (just spent four days with mild flu followed by over a week of severe debilitating coughing), worse sleep, temp dropped a whole degree again, splitting nails, swollen face, just a bunch of stuff.

                    I'm pretty sure endorphin deficiency is at the root of many of my issues. I see sugar/carb cravings, dissociation, excessive need for sleep, mood disturbances, no longer enjoying inherently enjoyable things, and several other things not currently at the top of my mind as evidence for it. So right this minute I'm sitting in a drug/alcohol treatment clinic paying an exhorbitant amount of money for IV amino acid therapy and praying with all my heart that this makes a major difference in my life.

                    I've already promised to God that if He finds a way to remove this disease of cravings from me, I'll be willing to admit that I have had the disease (BED, whatever you want to call it) to anyone who needs my help.

                    It took me two years to take off 50lb. I was totally fine with the pace, because losing it slowly means keeping it off, right? Until I gained 20 in 2 months, 35 in a year. If I can even get the weight gain to stop, here's to another couple years taking it off. :headdesk:
                    Last edited by MamaGrok; 01-06-2014, 12:49 PM.
                    5'4" 39yo mother to five sweeties & married to their AMAZING DaddyGrok
                    Current Weight: 175lb__________________________________Goal: 135lb
                    Deadlift: 240lb________________________________________Back Squat: 165lb
                    Bench: 130lb__________________________________________Pre ss: 85lb
                    ***Winning a 20-year war against binge eating disorder***

                    Comment


                    • OA sucks, BTW. For me, anyway. "Health and wealth" gospel is all it is. Yes, I do the 12 steps daily in my life, and have for my whole 15 years as a Catholic. I believe in what the steps say to do. But that does not mean the steps have anything to do with my addiction. I believe in democracy, too, but voting won't stop my bingeing. Thinking that God will magically take away my disease just because I become a better person is exactly like saying He'll take away cancer if I become a better person . Health and wealth nonsense.

                      I sound really bitter right now, and have been feeling bitter for the last hour. I know exactly what that is - detox. Or something. It has happened to me about 1-2x/month for the last 6 months, 3x in the last month. Each time, I notice a total disgust with everything around me, and then, amazingly enough, a detox bath gets rid of it, suggesting strongly that it's from an overload of toxins, likely from getting off sugar and allowing some fat to be released. I strongly suspect the ridiculous weight gain is in great part from my body saying, HELLO! too many toxins you're pouring in, liver can't handle, must store to part with later! So now I get to part with it a little at a time.

                      Gonna take a detox bath when I get home tonight. I have 10 days of all-day IV treatment. Pray for me.

                      ETA That's not to say I haven't gotten anything from OA or don't see any benefit in it. I think the sponsoring and the meetings are great (although not the pressure to go many times per week), and I would probably stay involved for a long term if meetings were close and maybe some tweak I can't quite put my finger on yet. (other than the continued insistence that getting right with God and others will remove addiction)
                      Last edited by MamaGrok; 01-06-2014, 12:47 PM.
                      5'4" 39yo mother to five sweeties & married to their AMAZING DaddyGrok
                      Current Weight: 175lb__________________________________Goal: 135lb
                      Deadlift: 240lb________________________________________Back Squat: 165lb
                      Bench: 130lb__________________________________________Pre ss: 85lb
                      ***Winning a 20-year war against binge eating disorder***

                      Comment


                      • Breakfast: 3+oz pastured sausage, no additives or sweeteners. 3 pastured eggs in 1TB butter, unrefined salt, pepper.

                        Lunch: homemade beef jerky, big carrot
                        (brief craving while finishing lunch)

                        Not taking my oral aminos or multi today while I get the drip.
                        5'4" 39yo mother to five sweeties & married to their AMAZING DaddyGrok
                        Current Weight: 175lb__________________________________Goal: 135lb
                        Deadlift: 240lb________________________________________Back Squat: 165lb
                        Bench: 130lb__________________________________________Pre ss: 85lb
                        ***Winning a 20-year war against binge eating disorder***

                        Comment


                        • Hey Lady, so sorry that you have had a rough year. I hope 2014 is better. Sending Prayers your way.
                          Primal since 9/24/2010
                          "Our greatest foes, and whom we must chiefly combat, are within." Miguel de Cervantes

                          Created by MyFitnessPal.com - Free Weight Loss Tools
                          MFP username: MDAPebbles67

                          Comment


                          • Praying for a better year for you. I'm so sorry it's been a tough one. Bless you.
                            Favorite Mark Quote: "I train to play."

                            June 2010: 168.6 -size 16
                            Current: 155 - size 10/12
                            Goal:135 - size 8

                            My Journal

                            Comment


                            • Thanks! OTOH, if that's the worst year I ever have, I'm in pretty good shape.

                              Notes from yesterday: Felt cheerful, better l, and a little bouncy. Took a while to get calm enough to sleep. Not anxious at all, just more wound up. I felt physically good as soon as I got off the drip (been a while since I felt that), and then emotionally good as the night wore on. I was talking my husband's ear off, too. He said he didn't mind because the overall mood change was so positive.

                              I had one bout of "hate the world" yesterday for about an hour, not too atypical for getting off the "drug" for me. Pretty sure now it's toxins releasing from my fat stores or something. Took a detox bath tonight.

                              Dinner: leftover pork chops & carrot & bacon fat
                              Serious cravings after dinner quenched with hubby's unsweetened mint green tea.
                              5'4" 39yo mother to five sweeties & married to their AMAZING DaddyGrok
                              Current Weight: 175lb__________________________________Goal: 135lb
                              Deadlift: 240lb________________________________________Back Squat: 165lb
                              Bench: 130lb__________________________________________Pre ss: 85lb
                              ***Winning a 20-year war against binge eating disorder***

                              Comment


                              • 1/7/2014

                                Breakfast: sausage & 3 eggs in 1T butter
                                Lunch: leftover shrimp & steak fajitas & green & red bell peppers

                                This morning, I had a hard time waking - very - and drug getting ready, with some (very little) confusion in doing things efficiently. Saw the most beautiful sun rising over a slightly frozen pond in our neighborhood.


                                I sang all the way to work, loving the singing. My nose has been swollen most of the last month, and somewhat inflamed for several before that, during all of the sugar crap. It was much clearer this morning. It could have been the cold/cough clearing up, but the timing was certainly notable. I was clearer, and singing with a clearer voice, than I feel like I have in month. My nose bled some this morning, which is pretty typical for when I get off of something my body doesn't tolerate, and that explains the clarity a lot (turbinades releasing the padding they've become inflamed with).


                                I was positively euphoric in the car this morning. Very emotionally overwhelmed by the music and the singing. I feel tremendous hope and brightness - just like all my life before my health fell apart 7-10 years ago. I know this is a brain chemical change; I have felt it every now and then even in the midst of all this sickness, and I know it well. I have never known how to turn it on and off, but I can easily identify it. I hope it's turned back on for good now.


                                I'm feeling not quite as uncomfortable as yesterday on the drip. Yesterday I felt it in my chest and throat and head at first, then some as a crampy feeling abdominally instead of that. I'm feeling waves of it now. I feel like someone is sitting on my chest, and have the abdominal crampy feeling from time to time. And of course, the constant constant feeling of my bladder filling up. It constantly makes me think I have to pee, even when I don't, and I feel it from the first of the drip, long before it could possibly have filled me up. Bit of latent infection? The total feeling of the stuff going through my veins is one of exhaustion. It feels oppressive, but not more so than the fatigue I feel everyday. I'm sure the "oppressive" feeling comes mostly from the fact that I was feeling good last night and this morning till I got back on it. Now I just want to lay down my head and check out. Every now and then I get a tightness rising through my throat and up the center of my head that is very very uncomfortable, and is often accompanied by a tightness in my chest that makes me slightly short of breath. The drip also dries out my nose. (That leaves me breathing through my mouth, so I brought some chapstick with me today. My eyes also feel dry, and napping with contacts in also makes them feel dry, so I brought some saline, too.) I feel a wave of discomfort/pain through my back now and then, too. When that wave goes through, it has a labor-like effect of stimulating a feeling of fullness in the bowel ... now I have to go to the bathroom! (Or maybe that was the magnesium. Yeah, I think it was.)


                                I can tell you what it doesn't feel like - cold/flu symptoms! (That's what they said to expect.)


                                Think I may have reached bowel tolerance with the Magnesium? LOL


                                This actually is a lot like labor. The discomfort comes in periodic waves, occasionally presents as pain, and primarily just takes relaxing and bearing it. I offer this for the intention of all those suffering from the cold today. So far my pulse is not as fast as last night on the drip.


                                A drip per 2sec makes me feel pretty crappy. I breathed an audible sigh of relief when I saw she had taken it to 1 per 3s! I noticed yesterday and today that my normal trigger fingers lock up when I do this, but it could just be because of the reclined and stationary position. Before this, I'd never seen it happen except after sleeping for many hours in bed.

                                Back to 2.5sec now, and feeling pretty crappy. Maybe I can nap now.

                                ******
                                Done! Strange - the last five minutes of the bag, I felt less discomfort, more awake and pleasant, and my dry nose went away, just as if the bag were already empty, but it was definitely still dripping. Odd!

                                Notes: My hair is getting quite greasy, although that may have started the day before treatment, not sure, so it could be detoxification or it could be a result of the string of binges leading up to that. Also, sty on my eye today. Things coming out everywhere! Oooo, time for my detox bath...

                                ETA Strangely, some time in the last half hour, my fingers stopped locking! Weird! They're just a little lock-y right now, which is also weird.
                                Last edited by MamaGrok; 01-07-2014, 06:57 PM.
                                5'4" 39yo mother to five sweeties & married to their AMAZING DaddyGrok
                                Current Weight: 175lb__________________________________Goal: 135lb
                                Deadlift: 240lb________________________________________Back Squat: 165lb
                                Bench: 130lb__________________________________________Pre ss: 85lb
                                ***Winning a 20-year war against binge eating disorder***

                                Comment

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