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  • Since part of my OA action plan is to journal my thoughts after reading a daily OA meditation, I might as well pput it here.

    Today, Oct 5, 2013, from OA For Today, the passage I read is on hating others... My response:
    I don't hate anyone. I have long since moved past that part of my life. God knows that I am no better than ANYONE else, anywhere. I am good; I am wonderfully made. So are they. They have sinned and hurt others; so have I. I have no room for hate.

    They make a good point that holding in hate is not much better than showing it. It's still in your heart, and still rots you. I thank God with all my heart for the day He showed me that in a Kroger parking lot about 8 years ago. Animosity, tearing down others, if it's in my heart, my heart is still black.

    I had some brilliant thought earlier today about how to apply this passage to a part of my life other than the emotion of hate, but I've lost it now. Some genius I am, LOL.

    Going to sleep now with a huge bloated stomach and legs that rub together again when I walk. Praying for a beautiful day tomorrow.

    For today, I will be abstinent, just for today.
    5'4" 39yo mother to five sweeties & married to their AMAZING DaddyGrok
    Current Weight: 175lb__________________________________Goal: 135lb
    Deadlift: 240lb________________________________________Back Squat: 165lb
    Bench: 130lb__________________________________________Pre ss: 85lb
    ***Winning a 20-year war against binge eating disorder***

    Comment


    • Interestingly, while eating 95% primal, no wheat, and almost nothing processed, I haven't had any night sweats except when I really went crazy with grocery store cheesecake (no crust) or something similar, too close to bed. Sugar isn't even giving me palpitations right now. Don't know why. I seem to be tolerating it better than in many years, even while gaining weight like gangbusters. Probably pushing 160 right now.

      Gah, that makes me so sad to write.
      5'4" 39yo mother to five sweeties & married to their AMAZING DaddyGrok
      Current Weight: 175lb__________________________________Goal: 135lb
      Deadlift: 240lb________________________________________Back Squat: 165lb
      Bench: 130lb__________________________________________Pre ss: 85lb
      ***Winning a 20-year war against binge eating disorder***

      Comment


      • Maybe the grains/dairy/sugar are keeping me from absorbing the AA's? Maybe I need to open them up and take them under my tongue to bypass my gut? (The ones I need most taste HORRIBLE, lol. This coming from a girl who has regularly eaten raw liver chunks at breakfast time. I know HORRIBLE!)

        I'm challenging myself, based on some reflections since I started OA, to FEEL negative emotions. I think, based on a conversation with some folks at Optimal Health Cave, that I have dissociated myself from unpleasant feelings my whole life (detachment parenting effects?), and I think it would help lower my stress levels to feel negative emotions rather than just ignoring them and moving on. Especially if I'm on the brink of a binge. This one small way may be the only way I really have an emotional component to my eating. I certainly don't relate to all the tales of eating to cover up the pain of hating oneself or whatever.

        It's weird to see myself typing about my stress levels. I used to be the most stress-free person in the world, even with, objectively, huge loads of things that could have caused me stress. I hate being stressed. I want my normal adrenal glands back.
        Last edited by MamaGrok; 10-05-2013, 08:47 PM.
        5'4" 39yo mother to five sweeties & married to their AMAZING DaddyGrok
        Current Weight: 175lb__________________________________Goal: 135lb
        Deadlift: 240lb________________________________________Back Squat: 165lb
        Bench: 130lb__________________________________________Pre ss: 85lb
        ***Winning a 20-year war against binge eating disorder***

        Comment


        • Today was strange. I felt like ignoring all sweet foods all day, except I felt a strange, non-craving compulsion to try a new GF cookie dough I found, and I didn't even like it, but I ate like 8 cookies and feel terrible. Alas. Tomorrow is another day. It's certainly not an end-of-the-world binge. My head is spinning, though.

          B: sausage (not quite enough)
          L: roast beef & horseradish, apple
          D: chicken salad, potato chips, sweet potato chips, cookie dough that led me to the chips

          OA4T:
          On the fear of excelling. Wow, totally don't relate. I have always always always relished excellence. Part of why this eating disorder is so frustrating, and so apt for me, is how it proves to me that my excellence was never really a matter of my will. It was a matter of God giving me willpower and discipline in my toolbox of human qualities, which lasted only so long as He saw them useful. It has been horrifically and beneficially humbling to realize that, and to wallow in the humiliating disorder of binge eating when I once was a paragon of self-discipline and fitness.

          Certainly I agree that not obsessing about one's performance is freeing. As Mother Theresa and others have said, my job is to do my best, and leave the results in the hands of God. God calls me not to perfection, but to obedience. I do everything I can with what He has given me, and whether or not those efforts are successful is out of my hands. I don't have to worry about or stress about the results, only put all my efforts into the tasks at hand. This is very freeing, including when dealing with the BED. I try my hardest, no beating myself up about the results.
          5'4" 39yo mother to five sweeties & married to their AMAZING DaddyGrok
          Current Weight: 175lb__________________________________Goal: 135lb
          Deadlift: 240lb________________________________________Back Squat: 165lb
          Bench: 130lb__________________________________________Pre ss: 85lb
          ***Winning a 20-year war against binge eating disorder***

          Comment


          • Zero sugar, grains, or dairy yesterday.
            Zero so far today.

            OA4T: On action vs criticism.
            I disagree that doers are the ones who were criticized the least as children, but I certainly agree that criticizing a lot, or unnecessarily, or unkindly, all is unlikely to have the result you desire. I spent the first 25-30 years of my life criticizing everybody all the time, mostly silently, but often out loud behind their backs, in what I thought were discrete and clever manners. Losing that trait has been one of the most wonderful events of my life, for which I am forever thankful to God, b/c I was such a die-hard judger and criticizer that only a miracle could have change me, and that is exactly what happened. I can find myself slipping into that at times, but it is rare, and I can spot it, and greatly desire to overcome it.

            OA meetings are interesting, b/c I don't feel any temptation to judge or criticize anyone. It's probably b/c I know for a fact not only that they are broken (everyone in the world is, in some way), but I know exactly how they're broken. I probably feel safer b/c there is no room for envy - I know we're all broken. I should remember that everywhere we go - we're all broken; we're all in this together.
            5'4" 39yo mother to five sweeties & married to their AMAZING DaddyGrok
            Current Weight: 175lb__________________________________Goal: 135lb
            Deadlift: 240lb________________________________________Back Squat: 165lb
            Bench: 130lb__________________________________________Pre ss: 85lb
            ***Winning a 20-year war against binge eating disorder***

            Comment


            • HA! I just took a bite of a GF cookie. But I didn't like it and it made me want milk. Obviously the AA's are kicking in again. I preferred a tiny swig of my cranberry-cherry drink.

              B: sausage, chorizo, 3-4 dried apricot halves
              L: chicken salad, leftover ground beef, 3-4 dried apricot halves
              D: chorizo, beef steak, mashed potatoes, bit of sweet potato, bite of GF cookie, swig of cran-cherry juice (no sweeteners, no other juices at all), some raisins, 2-3 dried apricot halves.

              Yes, that's a lot of apricots in one day! But it's better than sugar, and tapering off sweets with fruit has always helped me.
              5'4" 39yo mother to five sweeties & married to their AMAZING DaddyGrok
              Current Weight: 175lb__________________________________Goal: 135lb
              Deadlift: 240lb________________________________________Back Squat: 165lb
              Bench: 130lb__________________________________________Pre ss: 85lb
              ***Winning a 20-year war against binge eating disorder***

              Comment


              • Hi MamaGrok!

                I just wanted to say hello! I haven't read all of your journals (still catching up), but I wanted to say hey! I have a lot of success with the Leptin Reset and BABs. I've dabbled with OA several times, but I think I get overconfident when an LR works for me for a while, and then life happens and I eat wheat/sugar/dairy and gain weight. Your posts about OA inspired me to hit an online meeting. :-) So thanks!
                My Leptin Reset Journey


                Current BF%: 35
                Goal BF%: 20-23

                Comment


                • Howdy! I can't imagine anyone actually reading this crcazy long thing, but I sure hope it can offer someone some support for something!

                  4 days binge-free. Woohoo! I'm even losing the love for dried fruit now. Is it the AA's kicking in again? Why did they take so long? I wasn't always remembering all of them even before (getting a 7-day pill container for my 7 pill periods each day helped!), so maybe I was slowly running dry even without realizing it?

                  I'm getting almost lazy with my protein. It's so nice not to have cramps and runs all the time that I don't want to hit that threshold again. Maybe some day I'll be well enough to focus on that secondary issue of why I get cramps & runs when I have a lot of protein.
                  5'4" 39yo mother to five sweeties & married to their AMAZING DaddyGrok
                  Current Weight: 175lb__________________________________Goal: 135lb
                  Deadlift: 240lb________________________________________Back Squat: 165lb
                  Bench: 130lb__________________________________________Pre ss: 85lb
                  ***Winning a 20-year war against binge eating disorder***

                  Comment


                  • B: sausage, ground beef, apple
                    L: leftover sausage, ground beef, etc., some dried pineapple
                    D: leftover sausage, ground beef, chorizo, apple, some dried apricots
                    5'4" 39yo mother to five sweeties & married to their AMAZING DaddyGrok
                    Current Weight: 175lb__________________________________Goal: 135lb
                    Deadlift: 240lb________________________________________Back Squat: 165lb
                    Bench: 130lb__________________________________________Pre ss: 85lb
                    ***Winning a 20-year war against binge eating disorder***

                    Comment


                    • Hey there Primal sister,
                      Just want to wish you the best in this journey of yours. It sounds like you're taking some significant internal steps. I know the frustration of doing the right things, but it not being reflected on the outside yet. By the grace if God, carry on.

                      I'm back up to 151.8 today. Something has shifted in my system. 10 lb weight gain in about a month. My NP put me back on Metformin. I'm having my hormones tested on Monday. So discouraging. But by God's grace I won't give up either.

                      Bless you and your family.
                      Favorite Mark Quote: "I train to play."

                      June 2010: 168.6 -size 16
                      Current: 155 - size 10/12
                      Goal:135 - size 8

                      My Journal

                      Comment


                      • Yeah, things are sucking externally right now. I can't bring myself to change the weight in my sig to 160 or whatever it is (I refuse to check). I have never ever in my life gained weight like this. Never. Doc isn't ready to give me hormonal treatment yet (and heck, DHEA is what got me 20lb of this, anyway!). But as always, giving up isn't an option. It's my job to work as if everything depends on me and pray as if everything depends on God ... b/c it does.

                        The good news is, I don't even care about the bloating right now! It's horrid, but I don't thin kabout it, b/c my thighs hurt too much from rubbing together! LOL

                        B: braunschweiger, sausage
                        L: ditto. Apple. Dried pineapple galore. Olive tapenade spread from TJ's that is so addictive
                        D: ditto. tiny apple. 5-6 dried apricot halves. Done. I really don't feel like eating.

                        OA 12+12
                        Powerless over food. I have no trouble admitting this whatever. I did it for the first time a decade ago, and the truth of it has only become more hammered in over time. Will power plays no role in my ability to resist a craving. It can only play a role in helping me do the things that will keep cravings from happening: pprayer, nutrition, amino acids, avoiding the near occasion of "sin", support from others, including OA. I'm no longer under any delusions that "strength of character" has anything to do with any addictions.

                        Heck, I even listened to the man who kidnapped those girls for 10 years and heard in him the voice of addiction. He talked of how he desperately wanted to stop obsessing over sex, but he couldn't, and how it was now out of his control and he was doing awful things that he couldn't stop. Another decent person destroyed by an addiction (caused by whatever physical or emotional or spiritual dysfunction clogged his life prior to the awful point at which he found himself in 2004 writing that letter), and more innocent lives destroyed by someone else's addiction.

                        "Compulsive eating is an illness that cannot be controlled by willpower." Couldn't agree more. "None of us decided to have this disorder, any more than we would have decided to have any other disease." I only wish that people would learn this is true of EVERY addiction, every obesity, every mental illness. No one asks for this crap. It's not a lack of willpower or a flaw of character in the overwhelming majority of cases (I can't say all only because I don't know everyone.). "We cease blaming ourselves or others for our compulsive eating." Nope, no one to blame here. Except 6 generations of processed crap going into my family's mouths, but they didn't know what would come of it. They can't be blamed for having absolutely no idea what it would do to their posterity. Had they known, they certainly wouldn't have done it. They're no more to blame than I am to blame for my own children's crowded teeth, recessed chins, etc.
                        5'4" 39yo mother to five sweeties & married to their AMAZING DaddyGrok
                        Current Weight: 175lb__________________________________Goal: 135lb
                        Deadlift: 240lb________________________________________Back Squat: 165lb
                        Bench: 130lb__________________________________________Pre ss: 85lb
                        ***Winning a 20-year war against binge eating disorder***

                        Comment


                        • B: sausage, 3 eggs in bacon grease
                          L: sausage, 1/2 carrot, bites of apple, 6-7 tiny dried apricot halves, 1.5oz melted cheese. Feel like continuing eating, but saying no.
                          D:

                          I still am dubious that anything emotional caused my compulsive eating, or causes any particular instance of it. Certainly once it is triggered, an emotional setback can make it worse. But it doesn't seem to trigger it in the first place. But it is possible that the dissociation I subconsciously learned in my childhood to cope with detachment may have depleted me of the neurotransmitters needed to create the endorphins that make us feel good, and that this lack of feeling good leads me to seek desperately the carbs that will mimic the effects of the endorphins.


                          Yeah, that's the geek in me.


                          I have no bad childhood eating habits. I didn't even have cravings till after four years of low-fat crap eating and tons of antibiotics destroying my gut flora balance. No problem adjusting, no stifled anger, no dysfunctional upbringing. I have a joyful marriage, no money troubles, wonderful children.

                          5'4" 39yo mother to five sweeties & married to their AMAZING DaddyGrok
                          Current Weight: 175lb__________________________________Goal: 135lb
                          Deadlift: 240lb________________________________________Back Squat: 165lb
                          Bench: 130lb__________________________________________Pre ss: 85lb
                          ***Winning a 20-year war against binge eating disorder***

                          Comment


                          • Got a little compulsive with the dinner. I felt like I strongly desired something hefty, but not so much meat. Like PB, yogurt, cheese, corn ... I ate some plain whole yogurt, and some PB (first time in over a year). Then wanted frozen cherries and kept thinking of them and thinking of them. Getting on the alert.

                            12+12:
                            (I think I'm a day behind in posting)
                            My spirituality has blossomed and flourished since becoming Catholic so long ago, and hence, adopting a spirituality that incorporates steps identical to the 12 Steps on a daily basis. All this has happened since the bingeing began, but never had any effect on the bingeing at all, which really bums me to think about in retrospect. Here are all these millions of people who join AA & OA, get the spirituality I already have, and POOF! stop bingeing. Well, I've done it, and I'm still bingeing! Very frustrating.


                            I don't seem to have overeating as a trigger for my bingeing. I seem to overeat once I eat a trigger food, yes, and the overeating then makes the cravings worse, but the overeating doesn't seem to start the cravings. It sounds like my experience is not most people's experience. I do not ever crave or overeat foods like meat, non-starchy veggies, fish, eggs, fats, etc.
                            (next day)
                            It's certainly looking more and more like I "will always have these abnormal tendencies." That's depressing. I had really hoped that solving the underlying nutritional and gut flora problems that led to the cravings in the first place would eliminate the cravings forever. But there' s apossibility that I've done so much damage that it can't fully be undone, and I need a structure in place to keep me sane if that's true, and that's where I think OA may need to be a fixture in my life.

                            However, the first half of that statement doesn't speak to me: "No matter how adept we become at facing life's problems" ... I spent years bingeing with no stress, no bad emotions at all, except for the misery that comes with realizing you just ate half a carton of ice cream and half a cheesecake. I mean, that's a pretty reasonable misery, lol! But I am perfectly adept at bingeing with no life problems whatsoever, and have been for as long as I've had this eating disorder, nearly 15 years now. I have never found that life's problems contribute to this, nor have I found or thought that dealing wtih them better would fix the problem.



                            Likewise, the next sentence is foreign to me: "Those of us who have returned to our former CE behaviors have found it harder than ever to stop." I don't. I use the tools that have helped me in the past, and it's always easier than the last time to stop, b/c I didn't have those tools before. But it's always FRUSTRATING AS ALL GET OUT to find that the tools didn't stop the binges; they just delayed them and spread them out.



                            Ultimately, it seems I'm being told that to stop the binges, a) avoid overeating, b) avoid trigger foods, and c) admit you're powerless/give it all to God/take moral inventory of yourself/make amends to those you've hurt/do this in perpetuity. But I spent 364 days doing exactly those things, with the cravings growing stronger all the time once I got past 6 months, and on the 365th days, despite never having eaten a trigger food or overeaten or quit the spiritual life, I binged. And the cravings continued on the same gradient, gradually increasing ever since (until I got on the aminos).

                            Do a, b, and c work for many? Sounds like it. Are they enough for me? Obviously not. Could they be enough, combined with the nutrition and the aminos AND the support of the people in OA? Let's hope so.
                            5'4" 39yo mother to five sweeties & married to their AMAZING DaddyGrok
                            Current Weight: 175lb__________________________________Goal: 135lb
                            Deadlift: 240lb________________________________________Back Squat: 165lb
                            Bench: 130lb__________________________________________Pre ss: 85lb
                            ***Winning a 20-year war against binge eating disorder***

                            Comment


                            • 12+12

                              Yes, I must abstain from all foods and eating behaviors which cause me problems, but I don't usually know which those are. When I have strong cravings, I can and will binge if I eat even one bite of grains, sweeteners, dairy, concentrated fruits, whole fruit, starchy veggies (like potatoes), coconut products, nuts, and even peas. When I have no cravings, I need only avoid grain, sugars, concentrated fruits, and maybe dairy. Obviously the first list is so long that it would be crazy and unhealthy to live on that restricted a diet for the rest of my life, or even more than a few months at a time. But there are times when I really have to.



                              I wonder if there are many others who have this duality?


                              "If we don't ever overeat, we won't trigger the reaction that makes us crave more."' I don't know about that. I spent 364 days not overeating, losing weight slowly and steadily, yet on the 365th, I binged like I had never eaten before. I didn't overeat that day until I did. KWIM? I didn't overeat until the candy was already was down my throat. It was too late by then.


                              There was also the time I spent 3 months abstinent and not overeating, losing weight all the while, yet one bite of a candy was instantly a massive binge. There was no transition from "abstinent" to "bingeing." It was straight from one to the other.


                              Am I really all that different from others? Or are they wrong, or am I wrong? What others describe does not sound like my experience, yet we are all, undeniably, compulsive overeaters.
                              5'4" 39yo mother to five sweeties & married to their AMAZING DaddyGrok
                              Current Weight: 175lb__________________________________Goal: 135lb
                              Deadlift: 240lb________________________________________Back Squat: 165lb
                              Bench: 130lb__________________________________________Pre ss: 85lb
                              ***Winning a 20-year war against binge eating disorder***

                              Comment


                              • MamaGrok I am in the same boat, trying desperately to climb back out of this lake of binge eating hell I'm in right now. I made the mistake of having a few good days and got cocky, bought nuts, and now have been on a two week spree that I can't seem to snap out of.
                                I'm so depressed, can't stop crying. Like you I question if I have no choice but to live on an ultra restrictive diet or life because almost everything sets me off. I'm too exhausted to keep fighting this so ill just resign myself to meat/veg/coconut oil. Even vegetables that aren't green are setting me off and making me hungry! It's insane . Nothing seems to work.
                                I'm going to start leptin/keto tomorrow, I've hired a nutritionist to help me so we'll see. We can do this right

                                Originally posted by MamaGrok View Post
                                12+12

                                Yes, I must abstain from all foods and eating behaviors which cause me problems, but I don't usually know which those are. When I have strong cravings, I can and will binge if I eat even one bite of grains, sweeteners, dairy, concentrated fruits, whole fruit, starchy veggies (like potatoes), coconut products, nuts, and even peas. When I have no cravings, I need only avoid grain, sugars, concentrated fruits, and maybe dairy. Obviously the first list is so long that it would be crazy and unhealthy to live on that restricted a diet for the rest of my life, or even more than a few months at a time. But there are times when I really have to.



                                I wonder if there are many others who have this duality?


                                "If we don't ever overeat, we won't trigger the reaction that makes us crave more."' I don't know about that. I spent 364 days not overeating, losing weight slowly and steadily, yet on the 365th, I binged like I had never eaten before. I didn't overeat that day until I did. KWIM? I didn't overeat until the candy was already was down my throat. It was too late by then.


                                There was also the time I spent 3 months abstinent and not overeating, losing weight all the while, yet one bite of a candy was instantly a massive binge. There was no transition from "abstinent" to "bingeing." It was straight from one to the other.


                                Am I really all that different from others? Or are they wrong, or am I wrong? What others describe does not sound like my experience, yet we are all, undeniably, compulsive overeaters.
                                You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it.
                                Margaret Thatcher

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