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Gravyboat's Log, Stardate 59575.1

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  • My bff refers to my stretch marks as my tiger stripes (born in the year of the tiger). I side eye her.

    Also, I think our dad's are brothers from different mothers :P *hugs*

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    • Originally posted by Gravyboat View Post
      That or Crabbcakes could adopt me.
      Awww, Gravy, what a super, super sweet thing to say!!!! As a mother myself, I really do value that comment!

      As for your Pop... that brings up a lot of stuff for me. Where you had your mother, I had my father do deal with. I recently (well, a year-plus ago) seriously, honestly, truly just gave him up emotionally as a father figure. I shared this with Mr. Crabbcakes, as hubby kind of needed to know that I didn't want Pop around any more, and especially that the hubby was not to stop by their house with my girls on his way back from his folk's place as the highway back home to Appalachia passes right through Pop's town and it is very easy to get off the highway and onto their street. And - that was usually how we visited both sets of grandparents in one weekend, sometimes in one day, even, so it would be too easy to just turn off as was our habit.

      Anyway, I really love my mom to pieces, but she won't come up here without him, even in the face of offers to pick her up. She is intelligent, energetic, funny, huge-hearted, rolls up her sleeves and gets onto the floor with kids, helps out if there is housework lacking around here, all the things that make her a favorite wherever she goes... BUT - she is also privy (obviously) to the stuff that happened. I won't go into it, but it was enough that he landed in jail for it, so she can't claim ignorance or anything, and yet she stays home instead of come up alone (she has her driver's license).

      So... I am learning to live without my mom, too. It hurts that she comes as collateral damage, but I decided that I was done with the martyr thing (sucking up my Pop's abuse just to see Mom), and she is a free person with her own agenda (even if I believe she has become co-dependent with Pop) and if our agendas don't mesh anywhere, then that is that. But it wasn't an awfully hard decision, as Pop was starting in on my own girls (verbal bullshit), and that is where EVERYBODY gets tossed out of the door in my house.

      This long-winded wind-up is just to say that I am filling in the gaps with church. There are enough great old folks there who "mother" the whole family that I get my "elders" fix and feel great. For worse days, I go and talk to the Reverend. And between best friends, hubby, homeschool parents, parents of other special-needs kids I see, you get the idea... I get enough socialization and talk that I am good. Now that I reflect on it, I guess I am finding the various members of my Tribe, even though they aren't in one physical location.

      The Christians were right about some things, and if you have a wholesome image and belief of God, you can really go there (emotionally) for some respite. After I left my last church, I kind of started merging my old God beliefs with some Pagan ideas, ChristoPagan style, so it isn't like I am a holy roller or anything, but sometimes going to a place (mentally and also physically) dedicated to spirituality is really healing. In a pinch, I will even duck into a Catholic cathedral and light a row of candles and sit and reflect. Reading helps, too - just whatever catches your eye in the spirituality/religion section of the library at the moment - analagous to my belief that whatever your body is craving must be what you are lacking thing. Yeah, I know that religion can be awful in its own right, but I currently go to a Unitarian Universalist church, and I don't really see any cult behavior or anything happening anytime soon there!!

      I don't have any real answers for you regarding your Dad, though. Shit. I wish I did. In a perfect world parents would be, well, PARENTS. So I am glad that you are writing here so we can offer support, and also that you are venturing out to find your People.

      I can't wait to hear how choir practice goes!!! I wish, wish, wish I could sing well. You are one lucky duck in that way. I used to play a kick-ass French horn, so at least I have that. Sigh.

      That is all for right now... hubby is playing tons of weird music piped through the Bose speakers, and at the moment it is Achy, Breaky Heart, of all things! So I can't think straight any more!! Hugs!
      I have a mantra that I have spouted for years... "If I eat right, I feel right. If I feel right, I exercise right. If I exercise right, I think right. If I think right, I eat right..." Phil-SC

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      • Originally posted by badgergirl View Post
        You might look as though you've played host to a snail rave
        *raises hand* I have them, too! Stomach and undersides of boobs.

        This is just the cutest phrase I have heard in a long while!

        Currently playing from DJ Hubby - Come Dancing / the Kinks...
        I have a mantra that I have spouted for years... "If I eat right, I feel right. If I feel right, I exercise right. If I exercise right, I think right. If I think right, I eat right..." Phil-SC

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        • I have often felt a little envious that people who believe in things can go to a place of worship and gain a whole circle of friends overnight. I was raised atheist, and to this day I am literally not able to believe in anything I can't prove to be true. I am just not able to suspend disbelief long enough to even entertain the idea. I went pagan for a few years as a teenager, but I really just liked the imagery, the guided meditation, and the ritual. I didn't actually believe I was connecting to anything other than my own imagination.

          Sometimes I wish I could believe, just because it seems to give comfort to people who can. And, as mentioned, the automatic social circle would be nice too. But I can't. And I think that's good for its own reasons too. So it is what it is.

          _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

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          • Please don't read anything more into this than just the info - but at the UU, atheists are more than welcome. They aren't second-class citizens of any type - they are an integral part of the community, and provide balance to folks like me who tend to go the right-winger way on some things. Just if you did want to try a "faith" community, I think this one might work. And gay/bi/whatever doesn't raise a single eyebrow, either, as doesn't economic level, or anything else.

            The only thing that pisses them off is rank intolerance/gross injustice type stuff.

            DJ Hubby - Chris Rice singing Billy Joe McGuffrey (Christian pop)... Queen with Another One Bites the Dust... some Veggie Tales stuff...

            Did you know that DJ Hubby used to be the overnight jazz DJ at his college??
            I have a mantra that I have spouted for years... "If I eat right, I feel right. If I feel right, I exercise right. If I exercise right, I think right. If I think right, I eat right..." Phil-SC

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            • Choir was awesome! I got THREE SEPARATE HUGS! I was nervous about being bad, and I was honest about my nervousness, and everyone went out of their way to reassure me and give me anecdotes about how nervous/bad they were at first too. Also, at least half the women there were butch, so I didn't feel out of place at all. Most of the women are older and have grey hair (which is sooo awesome to me that no one in the group seems to dye it!). There are only a few younger women, and I think I'm actually the youngest at 25. Lol.

              The actual rehearsal was a little nerve-wracking because I don't read music. I need to hear a melody a few times before I can pick it up, and also I kept getting mixed up and losing my place because of all the repeats and 2nd endings and bullshit. I was flashing back to middle school band class, and it was not pleasant. (Fun fact: I played clarinet for 2 years and had to learn everything we played by ear because I could not read music to save my life. Still can't, apparently.)

              I intend to keep going, though. Everyone told me it's totally fine, that not everyone in the choir can read music, and it's only the first rehearsal, and I'll get it. Everyone told me to definitely come back and don't give up! So I will. I will keep going and I won't give up. They are all so nice, and it's a new experience that I really want to stick with. I think I just need to find an online resource for learning to read music. That should help a lot.

              Also, I heard the best rendition of Happy Birthday today that I've ever heard in my life.

              _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

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              • I'm stoked that this went well for you. Yay for grey hair and buzz cuts.
                I like badgers, books and booze, more or less in that order.

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                • Woohoo!! I'm truly excited for you!

                  Oh my gosh, reading music isn't really all that hard. If you can count to 16 and understand the fractions 1/2, 1/4, 1/8 and 1/16you are already almost halfway there... really! If I were in Cleveland I would teach you myself!

                  Soooooo glad for you!
                  I have a mantra that I have spouted for years... "If I eat right, I feel right. If I feel right, I exercise right. If I exercise right, I think right. If I think right, I eat right..." Phil-SC

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                  • I know what all the symbols mean and which ones are how long and all that (thankfully, because I'd truly be in trouble if I couldn't even do that). I just can't look at it written out and tell you what notes they are or vocally produce the appropriate notes. That's what I need to get better at.

                    _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

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                    • Goooooood Morning, Gravy!!

                      Nothing at all - just felt like putting that up here!

                      I'm off with the kiddos - see you soon!
                      I have a mantra that I have spouted for years... "If I eat right, I feel right. If I feel right, I exercise right. If I exercise right, I think right. If I think right, I eat right..." Phil-SC

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                      • Gravy - I was reading your post about your meeting with your dad, and trying to conjure up ways to encourage you, pick you up, tell him to f-off... then I read Crabbcakes response. Crabbcakes - you are the best! All I can do now is echo the sentiment - we all want to have supportive families, and unfortunately, we don't get to pick our parents! They didn't get to be parents because they would be good at it- the only thing you have to be good at is putting egg and sperm together. So for those of us unfortunate enough to be born to less than ideal parents, we find our family elsewhere. It doesn't make it hurt any less but the situation isn't hopeless.
                        I'm so glad choir went well for you! I think I mentioned before, I'm looking into joining the Medina community choir but the first rehearsal of the season isn't until after Labor Day. I'm also searching out a book club that isn't reading 50 shades of gray.

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                        • So glad the chorus was fun. Some people are blessed with perfect pitch, the ability to look at a note and sing it. I am not, but I find that the more I sing while looking at musical notation the better I get. You will get more confident as time goes by.
                          Sorry about the parent issues. That is seriously tough. Especially when you could use real support from them.
                          Primal since 9/24/2010
                          "Our greatest foes, and whom we must chiefly combat, are within." Miguel de Cervantes

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                          • Practice will help a lot! Also, one of our choir members puts some of our music into a program that will play the notes for each part and then posts it on our website. You could maybe use something like that as a learning tool. I am one of those people who reads music very well and can sight sing, but I learned to read music in early childhood. It's like learning any language; you become more fluent the more you use it.
                            “If I didn't define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive.” --Audre Lorde

                            Owly's Journal

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                            • Well, I'm sick. Woke up congested with an irritated throat, and that shit's only gotten progressively more sore and raw throughout the day. Guzzling water/warm lemon tea/hot pickle juice like my life depends on it. Trying to eat a lot also.

                              This sucks, yo. Normally it wouldn't be so bad, but I have choir on sunday.

                              I can still speak (for now), but it hurts to swallow. Also, I'm STILL BLOATED. Been hanging around ~211lbs. WTF!!
                              Last edited by Gravyboat; 08-24-2012, 12:58 AM.

                              _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

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                              • Oh noes I hope you get lots of rest and feel better soon.
                                I like badgers, books and booze, more or less in that order.

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