Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Gravyboat's Log, Stardate 59575.1

Collapse
X
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Ugh. There's just do much going on here. And you're doing a great job of unpacking it in a rational way. I applaud you for getting to this point and seeing things so objectively. And I'm really sorry and sad for you that this process of becoming who you want to be is proving so very alienating to your nearest and dearest. This part of your story should be titled When Parents Fail. As a mum myself, I can only hope and pray that I don't fuck it up so comprehensively because I'm a self-obsessed, fractured person too. Parenting *is* hard and you're clearly pushing some buttons for your dad, but this is an example of him really comprehensively failing on his parenting duties.

    At this point I wonder if you can set yourself a task of finding replacement parent figures in your life? I know it sucks to need to, but that would probably be a healthier solution than to keep knocking on your father's door and getting rebuffed.

    Anyway, hugs to you.
    I like badgers, books and booze, more or less in that order.

    Comment


    • Originally posted by badgergirl View Post
      At this point I wonder if you can set yourself a task of finding replacement parent figures in your life? I know it sucks to need to, but that would probably be a healthier solution than to keep knocking on your father's door and getting rebuffed.
      I'm hoping that need might be fulfilled by someone from the feminist choir. I think a lot of the members are older.

      That or Crabbcakes could adopt me.

      _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

      Comment


      • I seem to collect frail older people who need an adult child, my inlaws are just the latest in a long line. It's nice to be able to pay it forward with care and attention. Makes me feel as though I live in a real community rather than just an age-group.
        I like badgers, books and booze, more or less in that order.

        Comment


        • Damn period! I'm bloated as fuck.

          [Edit] It probably also has something to do with the large plate of rice/beans/enchiladas I had yesterday for dinner. Still, whatever.

          _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

          Comment


          • Still bloated at 206 today, but less squishy than yesterday. That was insane.

            Also, I called my internet company today to downgrade my service, and instead this nice dykey-sounding woman lowered my rate by 20% for the next 6 months. Hooray! This will save me $10.60/month, and I didn't have to downgrade to crap-tier speed.

            _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

            Comment


            • 1. That girl was fucking obnoxious.
              2. That dude was a manipulative ass and you are in no way to blame for that.
              3. Your dad is probably reacting somewhat to his own guilt over not being there. Not that it excuses his assiness or anything.

              Also, you are cute in flannel and you are doing amazingly well and I missed your journal while I was off having a ridiculously busy week and spending almost no time on the intertubes.
              “If I didn't define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive.” --Audre Lorde

              Owly's Journal

              Comment


              • I was wondering where you were! Welcome back to the interbutts.

                _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

                Comment


                • I was busy volunteering for a music festival. I got to drive gators and hauled a whole bunch of stuff around. It was awesome, and I'm pretty sure I earned +10 to my butch cred.
                  “If I didn't define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive.” --Audre Lorde

                  Owly's Journal

                  Comment


                  • Neat! I could use some butch cred.

                    Also I'm starting choir tomorrow and I'm a little nervous.

                    Aaand I just got done looking at my body in the mirror while lighted by sunlight. My ENTIRE SKIN is basically covered in stretch marks. It's a little sad. It's the only skin I get, so I'm going to make the most of it and accept it for what it is, but seriously. Basically every part of me is stretched. All up my back, on my shoulders, on my arms, my butt, my sides, all up my front.. My skin quality is just awful overall, too. I would guess this has a lot to do with not getting proper nutrition for most of my life, which also caused all my other problems. Compared to those other problems, crappy skin is not a big deal. At all. It does what it's supposed to, it just doesn't look good. Oh well, whatever. I just hope other people are as accepting of it.

                    _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

                    Comment


                    • In my experience, and from what I've heard from others, only huge assholes give a shit about stretch marks on other people. Boyfriend and I talk about ours as a point of interest (he used to be about 30 lbs heavier, of muscle I guess, when he was in the Army, and I somehow ended up with stretch marks on my ass from those 15 lbs I gained after college, then lost when I went primal). It's possible that the longer you eat properly, and continue to lose weight, they will diminish in appearance. Out of curiosity, does awful skin quality to you = acne or something else?

                      Funny thought: "going primal" makes me think of the expression "going native", except that I imagine myself tearing my clothes off and running around hunting things, growling and being dirty and all natural. I wish I was tougher, I'd go live in a cabin in the woods of Maine and do just that. I think I'd also have a hoarde of wild kitties living with me, though probably lose Boyfriend in the process. He's not really a woodsy guy.
                      Depression Lies

                      Comment


                      • Skin will get better. Honest. Scars and marks do fade. I've lost a few scars I'd rather have liked to have kept. You might look as though you've played host to a snail rave, but those silvery paths will gradually disappear. And, anyway, plain and unmarked skin is *so* vanilla and boring. I like a parchment map to explore, myself.
                        I like badgers, books and booze, more or less in that order.

                        Comment


                        • Also, as I've lost weight, I've found that the stretch marks get less obvious and sort of "heal" so there are still little wiggly white lines, but not the wider stretch marks that you might see now. Mine are still there but very subtle.

                          And if somebody gets naked with you and then freaks out about stretch marks, that's a good time to kick them to the curb. Honestly, once you get your clothes off with someone, for most people, the details don't matter all that much.
                          “If I didn't define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive.” --Audre Lorde

                          Owly's Journal

                          Comment


                          • Originally posted by namelesswonder View Post
                            Out of curiosity, does awful skin quality to you = acne or something else?
                            I have the compulsive picking, so I have little scars and scabs and pock marks and all over from gouging into my skin. Also I am covered in moles and freckles of different sizes and colors, I get pimples in random places pretty frequently (which I pick at and make worse), and I'm hairy. And right now my body is awash with various tanlines, sun-induced freckles, and peeling skin. And then the aforementioned stretch marks everywhere. Some people's skin looks like a beautiful blank canvas. Mine looks like a moldy pizza box that's been out in the rain for a few weeks.

                            It is what it is, and I'm not really crying about it, I'm just sayin.

                            Originally posted by Owly View Post
                            Also, as I've lost weight, I've found that the stretch marks get less obvious and sort of "heal" so there are still little wiggly white lines, but not the wider stretch marks that you might see now.
                            They're not really that wide, and they're all super old so they're completely faded. So you can't even see them in most light. But when you can see them, it's like my whole body is covered in lacy, convoluted marks. Most of them are not very straight, and some of them aren't even lines. In some places, the skin seems to have been stretched in all four directions at once, which has resulted in something that looks vaguely like impressionistic brush strokes. In some places, the stretch marks actually curve back around and over other marks, so my skin looks like a highway map with cloverleafs.

                            These examples give a pretty good idea, except it's all over.

                            _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

                            Comment


                            • Mine look a lot like the second example but mostly running vertically rather than horizontally and more on my hips and belly than my butt. Some of mine are from my late growth spurt in my teens (6" between grade 10 and grade 12, most of it during my grade 12 year), others are from weight gain in adulthood. Also, weirdly, I have them on my left bicep but not my right. No idea how that happened.

                              I'm betting you think your skin looks a lot worse than another person might perceive. I find I notice my own "imperfections" far more than other people's and am sometimes surprised when someone points out something like a mole or scar that I never noticed on them until they pointed it out.
                              “If I didn't define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive.” --Audre Lorde

                              Owly's Journal

                              Comment


                              • Originally posted by Owly View Post
                                I'm betting you think your skin looks a lot worse than another person might perceive.
                                Maybe. I mean, in good lighting, it looks alright. And no one's ever made a big deal about it. I'm just a little nervous about this loose skin now, and if it's going to make me look even worse now that I no longer just have taut stretch marks, but it's all crinkled up and floppy and hanging now. Just yech. Someone throw a party; I'll bring the crepe paper.

                                _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

                                Comment

                                Working...
                                X