Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Gravyboat's Log, Stardate 59575.1

Collapse
X
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • 205 today. 34" / 45"

    My skin looks particularly empty today. Particularly on my belly, it is hanging there lifelessly and feels extremely squishy. Not the best look... I really hope my skin won't always look this horrible.

    Also, since the 5mg melatonin hasn't been doing jack shit lately, I took 10mg last night. Out like a light by 10:30! Woke up fully awake at 5:30! So I'll be doing that from now on.

    _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

    Comment


    • Wow 205 Awesome!
      And good sleep too. I'm going to start taking Magnesium again at night to improve my sleep.
      Primal since 9/24/2010
      "Our greatest foes, and whom we must chiefly combat, are within." Miguel de Cervantes

      Created by MyFitnessPal.com - Free Weight Loss Tools
      MFP username: MDAPebbles67

      Comment


      • 204 today.

        And I just want to thank everyone who comments regularly. I had an incredibly rough night last night after having my self-esteem kicked out from under me and stomped into tiny pieces. And I was able to go back through your guys' comments and remind myself that I'm probably at least halfway worthwhile after all, even if some (most?) people don't seem to think so. Because at least you weirdos seem to think so. And that's interesting to me, because you guys are probably exposed to the greatest amount of my existential whining and over-analyzing. Stuff I don't even dump on my best friend because I know how annoying it is. And none of you are under any obligation to read this crap or write such nice comments. But you do anyway. So I just wanted to say thank you, because you all make me feel like less of a disgusting, pitiful cave troll. Like maybe I do have some redeeming qualities and I'm not just a complete pile of shit like I keep being led to believe by almost every experience I have in life.

        _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

        Comment


        • Go, you! That sounds so lame, but I've got nothing hipper to offer. I hate saying it, but things do/can get better, and I think you're coming to realize that more and more.
          Depression Lies

          Comment


          • Uhh, okay, so I got back on the scale and it says 203 now. So: 203 today.

            _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

            Comment


            • Do you want us to come beat that person up for you?
              Primal since 9/24/2010
              "Our greatest foes, and whom we must chiefly combat, are within." Miguel de Cervantes

              Created by MyFitnessPal.com - Free Weight Loss Tools
              MFP username: MDAPebbles67

              Comment


              • Originally posted by Gravyboat View Post
                204 today.

                And I just want to thank everyone who comments regularly. I had an incredibly rough night last night after having my self-esteem kicked out from under me and stomped into tiny pieces. And I was able to go back through your guys' comments and remind myself that I'm probably at least halfway worthwhile after all, even if some (most?) people don't seem to think so. Because at least you weirdos seem to think so. And that's interesting to me, because you guys are probably exposed to the greatest amount of my existential whining and over-analyzing. Stuff I don't even dump on my best friend because I know how annoying it is. And none of you are under any obligation to read this crap or write such nice comments. But you do anyway. So I just wanted to say thank you, because you all make me feel like less of a disgusting, pitiful cave troll. Like maybe I do have some redeeming qualities and I'm not just a complete pile of shit like I keep being led to believe by almost every experience I have in life.
                Is this crappy individual a before-the-change friend? Is it possible tht they are feeling ever so slightly put out at all the positivity you are radiating? People can be pretty awful and I would look to see what this person's motivation is. You're changing - in probably more ways than what the scale says - and change can be threatening to people. Maybe this person sees your progress as a challenge, a threat or an invitation to assess their own failure to thrive/change (on their own internal goals/terms, which you might be oblivious of). Anyway, if someone is trying to pull you down, especially if they are trying to do it comprehensively, I'd say that you've triggered an insecurity in them and they are trying to defend themselves.
                Your life sounds as though it is in a state of flux or becoming - when this transformative period is over I expect a lot of the dust and kerfuffle will settle - although the landscape and friend ecosystem might look very different, happy-sad to say.
                I like badgers, books and booze, more or less in that order.

                Comment


                • I think you are right on the money about someone being jealous and threatened by my success. I'm pretty sure the person I talked to just wanted to take me down a peg. The conversation basically went like this: "Oh, that's awesome that you've lost 55lbs. I've lost 20lbs too, but it's because I haven't been eating, because I just broke up with your ex after being with him for the past year. I know you're still hung up on him even after he ditched you for another girl and broke your heart, but yeah, we were pretty happy together. I just wanted to let you know."

                  WHO DOES THAT?? SERIOUSLY??

                  Felt like I'd been slapped in the fucking face. And I bet that's exactly what it was designed to do. And it worked; I spent the next few hours shaking as adrenaline coursed through my veins, and oscillating between rage, confusion, and feelings of worthlessness.

                  Fuck them both, though. Final conclusion: He's a pathological womanizer who gets away with using women based on his good looks and extremely skillful manipulation, and she's a fucking idiot. They deserve each other. Good fucking riddance. I told her not to talk to me again.

                  _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

                  Comment


                  • Originally posted by Gravyboat View Post
                    "Oh, that's awesome that you've lost 55lbs. I've lost 20lbs too, but it's because I haven't been eating, because I just broke up with your ex after being with him for the past year. I know you're still hung up on him even after he ditched you for another girl and broke your heart, but yeah, we were pretty happy together. I just wanted to let you know."







                    Filed in the Friend Fail Folder.
                    Damn, it won't let me post any more emoticons.
                    JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

                    Comment


                    • Some people aren't good friend material. This is her way of letting you know that. Too bad she took so long to do it: you could have had her out of your life long ago. Sorry for the hurt. Unfortunately, that stuff tends to stick with you far longer than it deserves to. Ugh. Big hugs.

                      Comment


                      • Originally posted by Gravyboat View Post
                        I think you are right on the money about someone being jealous and threatened by my success. I'm pretty sure the person I talked to just wanted to take me down a peg. The conversation basically went like this: "Oh, that's awesome that you've lost 55lbs. I've lost 20lbs too, but it's because I haven't been eating, because I just broke up with your ex after being with him for the past year. I know you're still hung up on him even after he ditched you for another girl and broke your heart, but yeah, we were pretty happy together. I just wanted to let you know."

                        WHO DOES THAT?? SERIOUSLY??

                        Felt like I'd been slapped in the fucking face. And I bet that's exactly what it was designed to do. And it worked; I spent the next few hours shaking as adrenaline coursed through my veins, and oscillating between rage, confusion, and feelings of worthlessness.

                        Fuck them both, though. Final conclusion: He's a pathological womanizer who gets away with using women based on his good looks and extremely skillful manipulation, and she's a fucking idiot. They deserve each other. Good fucking riddance. I told her not to talk to me again.
                        Wow, she's *really* threatened by you. And, I'd say, since she scooped up your sloppy seconds and has been trying to tell you how tasty they are ever since, is trying to *be* you. Now you're pulling out the rug from under her feet by changing in front of her very eyes, faster than she can keep up with. Your physical presence must be very difficult for her to cope with right now.
                        No excuse for her behaviour, clearly, but you don't have to take it onboard. In fact, the more she attempts to bring you down will be a good indication of your success.
                        I like badgers, books and booze, more or less in that order.

                        Comment


                        • Originally posted by badgergirl View Post
                          Wow, she's *really* threatened by you. And, I'd say, since she scooped up your sloppy seconds and has been trying to tell you how tasty they are ever since, is trying to *be* you. Now you're pulling out the rug from under her feet by changing in front of her very eyes, faster than she can keep up with. Your physical presence must be very difficult for her to cope with right now.
                          Haha, that's a nice way of looking at it. I like it.

                          This girl is yet another one of those short, adorable, hipstery girls with boatloads of style and cute hipstery hobbies but no real substance underneath. She's also extremely flaky and bubbleheaded, which I think some people must read as cute and free-spirited. I used to feel bad about myself and think she was so much better than me because she was so small and cute and had all these dates all the time. Now I see just how wrong I was. What an idiot.

                          Maybe she really does think I am too cool for school since I never put up with her flakiness and I pretty much dropped her flat on her face after the first couple times she "forgot" our plans. For the last year, I haven't talked to her at all unless she initiates it, because I just don't have time for that crap. And the last time I talked to her a couple months ago she admitted she had been gaining weight, while I had lost a lot. (She's a vegetarian like all the hipsters here are, so big surprise there.)

                          In a way, I'm glad she told me, because now I am truly 100% over that douchebag. He's so good at manipulating women that he makes it seem like he's the victim when he cheats. He apparently told her all about how he fucked me over, and all the women before me, and she still dated him. I'm also thoroughly over the illusion that she's this perfect, adorable little lady living a charmed life and is objectively better than me in every way. I may be lonely and weird and awkward, but at least I don't throw sucker punches at people who are doing well just to make myself feel better. What a loser.

                          _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

                          Comment


                          • Originally posted by Gravyboat View Post
                            Now I see just how wrong I was. What an idiot.
                            Nope, nope, nope - no idiot. Just someone learning and coming into her own, and ditching the dross along the way. I have met one or two (ahem) ladies who felt the need to play the stab-you-in-the-heart-as-they-smile-and-twist-words-while-wearing-cute-clothing thing, and I know it hurts us probably twice as much as a lot of other people because of our histories. I ditched mine, you just ditched yours, and I'm glad to see you are putting blame exactly where it belongs - on them.

                            I prefer you.
                            I have a mantra that I have spouted for years... "If I eat right, I feel right. If I feel right, I exercise right. If I exercise right, I think right. If I think right, I eat right..." Phil-SC

                            Comment


                            • So my dad and I went out last night for dinner and Rifftrax Live and we got into a huge fight.

                              The whole thing started because he was texting with his new girlfriend all through dinner. He actually wanted to invite her along to our night out, but I put the breaks on that.. I rarely even see him, all he does is talk about her when I do see him, and now she's physically encroaching on my limited time with my dad? Seriously? And, frankly, it's just rude to keep staring at your phone, going "...Uh huh..." when you're out with someone you don't see much. My mom does that shit all the time, too, and he knows how much it irritates me. I mean, he texted her once, and said "Sorry, I don't want to be your mom here," and I was like "Oh, haha, you're not." But then he kept doing it. And when we were in the car after that and he could tell I was slightly annoyed, I said "Look, I was just kind of annoyed that you kept texting all through dinner," and he BLEW UP.

                              Basically, his response was that he is in love with this woman and he is going to be talking to and spending a lot of time with her, and I "just need to accept it".

                              The problem is also this: Several years ago, my mom met a guy who has a son. She started spending more time with him and his son than with me. And when she did spend time with me, all she did was talk about how great they were, and how the guy's son was sooo smart and responsible and doing so well in school and having so much fun with his friends and working at his part time job. She would glow as she talked about him. Meanwhile, I was depressed as shit, dropped out of school, had no friends, jobless, and could barely take care of myself. I already felt like crap and knew I was a burden. So I felt like I was being replaced. Like I was such a shitty child and so she just went out and got herself a better one. One who fulfills all her hopes and dreams.

                              This new woman my dad is dating has a daughter. He now sees this kid more than he sees me. And when I do see him, he goes on and on about how cool and funny this kid is. And, oh, she said the funniest thing the other day when I was over. And oh, she showed me this great Youtube link, I gotta show you. Etc etc.

                              See any parallels here?

                              Well, I tell him that I have been through this exact same thing before with mom, and that I am feeling replaced. Especially since I usually see him a couple times a year, and now he is joking now about how, haha, this woman he's dating asks if he wants to come over and he's there 15 minutes later. Haha. Yeah, and it takes me months of pulling teeth and repeated cajoling for him to feel like coming to hang out with me. And it needs to be scheduled weeks in advanced. So I tell him this, that I am feeling really hurt, I feel like an obligation, a burden, I feel like he doesn't like seeing me because I'm a huge disappointment, so he went out and got another kid that's better than me and has fewer problems. And he blows up at me and basically accuses me of not wanting him to be happy. What?

                              And when we finally get to talking about the reasons he doesn't come see me ever, the logic looks like this: He hasn't wanted to spend a lot of time with me in the past when I wasn't doing well because I usually needed help doing errands, and he felt I wouldn't improve any if I was able to lean on him for support, so he wanted to back off so I would be forced to do things myself. (What actually happened is that I stopped eating because I was too scared of leaving the house to go buy food, and I sat in a dark room by myself 95% of the time, never going outside, with no friends and no one to talk to.) And now that I'm doing better, he doesn't want to spend a lot of time with me because he figures I'm doing great on my own and he doesn't want to upset the balance. And he figures that his staying away and making me do things myself has worked, because I've done this all on my own, which proves he was correct to avoid seeing me. And he thinks if he steps in and we do things together, that I will backslide and stop improving because I won't have to keep trying.

                              ALL I REALLY WANT IS TO SEE MY DAD. What the fuck is this "avoiding me for my own good" bullshit cop-out excuse?

                              Once we got past that, and were talking about just hanging out like pals (and him not actually helping me get anything done that I need to do and can't do by myself, which is bullshit but I also figure is a lost cause), he tells me it's hard to be around me when I'm dealing with things. Which is always, because I am pretty much always in a tough spot emotionally and trying to work things out in my head and grow and improve, because that's how life goes when you have the issues that I got handed. He says it's hard for him to see me in turmoil and he always wants to help.

                              Unfortunately, his "help" means reminding me of everything I should be doing. And I HATE this, because it insults my intelligence and also freaks me the fuck out by bringing all of my anxieties right to the front of my mind. I know perfectly well what I should be doing, and telling me again isn't helpful, at all. And he knows that it's not helpful, because I've told him a thousand times. But he says that when he's not allowed to give me his unsolicited advice, then he doesn't like being around me because he feels like he's constantly biting his tongue. And that it's not fair to him to make him bite his tongue all the time. And that if I won't take his advice, then he is under no obligation to help me if/when my own choices blow up in my face.

                              Correct me if I'm wrong, but that seems like a really shitty, selfish position to take. Like, if I want to spend any time with my dad, I am obligated to listen to all his advice AND do whatever he thinks I should do, or I can expect no hangouts and no support. If, god forbid, I want to live my own life and make my own decisions, I should consider myself fully on my own. Really?

                              He said, "I feel like shit when we are hanging out, and I know you're suffering, but I can't give you unsolicited advice and remind you of what you need to do all the time like you're dumb and you don't already know [possibly not a direct quote], because I'm the sort of person that needs to help when someone I care about is hurting!"

                              And I said, "But… that's not helping. That's back-seat driving. If you want to help, how about you ask me what I actually need?"

                              The problem is, when I do tell him what I need (help getting around and doing things sometimes, positive-reinforcement social contact without mountains of anxiety, and sometimes things at the store, like new pants), he resents doing it. He whined a lot yesterday about how when he does things for me, he just feels like he's being used and gets resentful, especially since I don't follow his advice.

                              My response: You are being used. You're getting leaned on. You're doing favors for me, things that I can't do by myself, and I appreciate it more than words could convey, because it's exactly what I need from you. I have set my own road to recovery, because I know what I need, and no one else does. And I am getting better doing things this way! But I can't always do it alone. There are some things I need from the people in my life. This is what 'helping' is. If you want to help me, this is how you can. Not unsolicited advice. Not avoiding me. No, it's taking me to the store that's far away, that I've never been to alone before, and that would take me an hour on the bus, by myself, to get to. So that I don't have a panic attack, freak out, avoid leaving the house, and stop eating for a week afterward. Because that sets me back. Huge emotional highs and lows caused by having no useful support system to bridge the gaps sets me back.

                              I feel like my desires here are fairly normal and doable. I want to spend time with my dad more than a couple times a year, I don't want to be replaced by a better family that lives closer, I want a reasonable level of USEFUL support when I'm going through shit and need help, and I don't want to be guilted for things that were previously said to be fine (like buying me a pair of pants).

                              My instinct, of course, is to get out of most future hangouts by making reasonable-sounding excuses, remain cordial, and slowly slip away. Because that's what I do when I realize that someone I know is a self-absorbed nutjob with an extremely convoluted, self-serving sense of logic. What good is keeping someone in a relationship position if they seem fundamentally incapable of performing what is needed of them and clearly stated in the job description?

                              We stopped arguing without reaching an actual solution. At this point, I don't know if I should bother trying to rehash it. I could send him a long email and re-explain my needs, but we have kind of been through this sort of thing before and he has never changed much. Based on how things ended, I have a feeling he will try to make more time for me initially, and then things will revert after a few months.
                              Last edited by Gravyboat; 08-17-2012, 04:07 PM.

                              _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

                              Comment


                              • Oh, he also was trying to make the argument that the long hair seemed a lot more "like me", because I seemed "so gorgeous and self-confident" the last time he saw me with it long. And that now I seem miserable and unsure of myself. I told him, I knew I would be uncomfortable having it short and that that was part of the reason I needed to do it --- to work out my internalized butch-hate anxiety and to stop copping out and doing something I know will be socially applauded even though it doesn't feel like me. Sure, the social approval is really nice and makes me feel actually attractive and acceptable to people. Which is something I struggle with most of the time, and the top reason I keep copping out. But I'm still not femme. I'm just not. I still feel like a man in a dress.

                                If you were a man who never got any sexual attention paid to you unless you put on a dress, you would find ways of convincing yourself that you really like that dress and it's really an essential part of your self-expression. That's what I've been doing this whole time. And now it's time to rip off the dress and find some way of proving to myself that I am fine even without it. Because continuing to cop out, while reasonably comfortable (or, more accurately, while keeping the worst anxiety at bay --- that you are inherently unattractive and unlovable), inhibits personal growth.

                                And he gave me this skeptical look like I'm completely deluded. I do not appreciate that.

                                _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

                                Comment

                                Working...
                                X