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I want to feel attractive in a way that I think reflects who I am inside: predominantly masculine. Which, yeah, most men aren't into. Some men are into it. But, frankly, I don't really give a fuck if men are into it, because my choices aren't about pleasing them, it's about being true to myself even if no one else likes it.
Yeah, I think that you have the right attitude. Keep doing what you are doing.
Welcome to my head? Well, how it used to be. After doing the primal thing for some time, and with the help of amino acids to help my depression and anxiety, I very suddenly started getting some relief from the constant self-questioning and doubt. I actually let go of some personal past turmoils. It was shocking. Now I'm not on anything for mood support, and the relief continues. So I get the "just how I am", but I believe if it's something you wish was different, it could be different. Part of the reason I am the way I am though is from growing up with the constant self-doubt. I am in the midst of growing my hair out, but every now and then I go through periods of "Do I really want to do this?" and question it all over again. It grows back, yes, but I know I hate the growing back period. Blah blah blah, not really coherently rambling here, anyway, I guess I'm wondering how much regular anxiety you feel (and felt before going primal) and if you've considered "treating" it beyond just a good diet.
My depression/anxiety are SO MUCH BETTER than they used to be, but probably still on the high end for most people. I can leave the house now without freaking out and having a panic attack, though I still tend to put off doing it, especially more involved trips where I know I'm going to have to walk a lot with heavy things and I'm going to come home completely exhausted and in pain. I have not had a deep depressive episode with crying and hopelessness and suicide scares since before Primal, but I still have low energy/low self esteem days sometimes where I am grumpy.
I still over-analyze everything and I still compulsively pick when I'm bored/anxious. I still have issues, and hopefully they will further improve with time and nutrition. Things are better than they were, just not 100% yet.
206 today! I think I may have beat that little plateau that was threatening me. Maybe the carb-up helped after all. Hopefully this continues. I don't feel squishy and bloated anymore, though, so we'll see.
Damn. Never thought I'd say this, but I wish I had a razor. I just cut my hair shorter on the back/sides (used the #4 guard -- 1/2") and evened up my hairline in the back into more of a line, but now there's all these patchy little hairs underneath that didn't get cut and I need to shave em off. I looked for an old razor head cartridge that might be in an old box somewhere, but couldn't find anything. I'm gonna look one more time.. Otherwise I'm gonna have to walk to CVS in the middle of the night and buy a disposable razor with my patchy-ass nape showing. Not a great look.
my other half shaves my nape with the clippers sans any guard/comb attachment. stings a bit but does the job. worth a try?
That's what I did, but it's hard to do it yourself using 2 mirrors and it ended up kinda patchy. The actual hairline looks fine, it's just underneath. It'd be easy to take care of with a few swipes of a razor, I just don't have one.
I might just have to go back over it again with the clippers and see if I can do better. I still can't find a razor anywhere in my house.
wow just started reading your journal and I seriously admire you! You're really awesome, I want to be like you; to be comfortable with being myself and disregard what society thinks. I often try to look more feminine than I am just because I am scared of being thought of as butch etc.. I really like what you said "I want to feel attractive in a way that I think reflects who I am inside" and feel the same way. You're seriously such an inspiration to me ;A; And btw your haircut looks great!
p.s sorry for creeping on your journal haha
“There is immeasurably more left inside than what comes out in words…”
— Fyodor Dostoevsky
Haha. Never thought I'd hear those words in my life.
This whole "being an inspiration" thing is really weird. I've never been an inspiration to anyone. I've been, at best, an object of uncomfortable pity. Or, like, "Shit, I don't know how you got through <whatever> but I'm impressed you're still alive and mostly sane.." I mean, I'm getting some shit done nowadays that has needed doing, but that doesn't seem particularly awesome or courageous to me. If anything, I'm still beating myself up for having taken so long to get here (which isn't even close to done, on any front) and still being too worried about what other people think. Yep, even after not wearing makeup or shaving for 4 years and cutting all my hair off and whatnot. Of course, I don't give a shit about what most people think, but I still give a pretty huge shit about what some people think. And I still have a lot of internalized anxiety about looking sloppy and unfashionable and confirming everyone's belief that I, as a fat girl, am inherently disgusting and unattractive. (Even though I don't think I'm probably a fat girl anymore, which is alarming/not quite real to me yet..)
Anyway, all that tends to hold me back a lot until I get mad and go "AHHHH stop being so stupid!!". It also probably helps that I already expect subconsciously that I'll never date again, or at least I'll never find a longterm partner who actually likes "the real me" enough to actually want to stick around past a couple weeks/months, so what do I have to lose by being an even bigger weirdo? :P
I still have so many self-esteem problems, for real. I mean, at least I acknowledge them openly, but I don't think that's much of an accomplishment. :P Also I'm still a fucking nightmare when it comes to meeting/talking to people. I need classes or something, seriously. I can't do small talk to save my life. And every time I hear "So, what do you do?" I want to stab myself in the eyes until I am literally crying blood and not just figuratively. I really need to figure out how to gracefully circumvent that question..
Haha. Never thought I'd hear those words in my life.
This whole "being an inspiration" thing is really weird.
And every time I hear "So, what do you do?" I want to stab myself in the eyes until I am literally crying blood and not just figuratively. I really need to figure out how to gracefully circumvent that question..
random person: "So, what do you do?"
Gravyboat: " I'm awesome and, y'know, an inspiration to others."
I like badgers, books and booze, more or less in that order.
Also I'm still a fucking nightmare when it comes to meeting/talking to people. I need classes or something, seriously. I can't do small talk to save my life. And every time I hear "So, what do you do?" I want to stab myself in the eyes until I am literally crying blood and not just figuratively. I really need to figure out how to gracefully circumvent that question..
One of these days I am going to call you from the West Side Market, where I have never been and hope to see sometime when I can get up the gumption to travel up there on a Saturday, and meet you there. I will have Third's AAC device (her "talker" - you know, the talking computer thingy for speech-disabled folks, like Third is) with me and you won't have to introduce yourself because I will already have "met" you on the MDA, and also - you won't have to make real talk... you can just type it in and have the talker do it, and it will be just like here on the forum!
I have a mantra that I have spouted for years... "If I eat right, I feel right. If I feel right, I exercise right. If I exercise right, I think right. If I think right, I eat right..." Phil-SC
One of these days I am going to call you from the West Side Market, where I have never been and hope to see sometime when I can get up the gumption to travel up there on a Saturday, and meet you there.
YES!!!!! I would love that! I know a couple of the vendors there and I would show you which stalls to buy from! And then we could go next door and get Cambodian food afterward! That place is amazing! I'm a little drunk right now! Exclamation points!
So, as some of you may or may not know, I have never been drunk before. Tonight my friend and I went out to a new gay bar we'd never been to. (It was full of butches. <3 We're definitely going back.) I have been reading stuff online lately about bar etiquette and trying to find drinks I might like the taste of, because I've decided I want "in on" bar culture. At least to the extent that I can go to a bar and order a drink and not feel horribly out of place. I have been feeling lately like maybe it's time I tried drinking since I am doing much better emotionally now (much more stable, not likely to use substances as a "crutch") and I'm not on any medication anymore (trileptal doesn't play well with alcohol). Also, I like the idea of getting a feeling for an experience most people are familiar with. I want to have more in common with normal adults and I want to stop being so stodgy and standoffish. And I want to meet people, and it would be so lame going to a bar and drinking water and being anxious and looking around nervously. I'd stick out like a sore thumb and I know it. I'd also be anxious and wouldn't have a good time. And I have always felt that it puts a wall between me and other people that I'm so adamantly straight-edge. I want to be more of a normal, laid-back person, if that makes any sense at all.
So tonight I went into a bar with the intent of experiencing drunkenness. And I didn't get totally sloshed. I only had two glasses of cider. But I definitely felt for the first time what "buzzed" means (it really feels literally buzzy! I had no idea), and I ended up decidedly tipsy. I actually got dizzy and had trouble keeping my balance when walking. My vision felt altered in a way that is hard to describe. I felt more giggly and talkative. My cheeks got rosy. And I was having some trouble controlling the volume of my voice. I didn't do anything undignified, but I felt like it would be fun to. I felt slightly more impulsive than usual (which is to say that I stopped overthinking everything, as I definitely tend to). But I also still felt anxiety about the possibility of talking to a stranger.
Right now it's a couple hours later, and I'm still really dizzy. I almost fell over when I got home and bent over to take my shoes off. And I still feel talkative, but I'm also a little tired. My cheeks are still rosy. I'm also not feeling as eloquent as usual, and I'm finding it slightly more difficult to think of synonyms. But I feel good, and I had fun. I would do it again.
My only real regret is that (unbeknownst to me) the cider I drank had 28g carbs a glass. Ouch! It's okay, though. Not a huge deal, just also not something to do every night (ain't that the truth).
Overall, it was a really interesting experience and I enjoyed it and would do it again! I only had two glasses of 5% ABV cider over about 2 hours, so not much at all. But I kind of think I'm hypersensitive to substances, because I've gotten high as a kite off secondhand pot smoke several times in the past. Like, rolling around on the floor and giggling.
My dad and I are going out to Rifftrax Live on Thursday, and I think we might have Mexican food that day (it's gonna be my carb-up day). If so, I am totally going to order a margarita. I'll let you guys know how that goes if it happens.