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Gravyboat's Log, Stardate 59575.1

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  • Ok, the last few days I have felt pretty run down, especially yesterday after lugging more than 20lbs of groceries home 2 miles. I had to stop at least 6 times to put my bags down. I've also gone back up to 209-210 again. So I decided to do my carb-up early and slammed down 2 bananas as soon as I got home yesterday. Weight when I woke up: 210. Ate another 2 bananas this morning after that.

    I am super fucking squishy today, which I believe is because of the carbs. Going to continue my carb-up today with some fries (as planned) and some kettle chips and maybe rice crispies. I also got some gluten-free cinnamon apple muffin mix at the store yesterday but it's 90 degrees today and I don't feel like baking. I'll use them next time. Anyway, the carb-up will go through today and then saturday will be back to normal.

    I wanted to do it early partially because I was already super worn out, my weight loss had already stalled, and I feared having an excuse to shove funnel cakes into my mouth at the ren fest. Yes, I know they would hurt my stomach and probably give me an allergic reaction, but they are funnel cakes and they are hard to resist. So I did not want to do the carb-up that day. All I can hope for now is that my stomach doesn't hurt really bad tomorrow and I'm not SUPER SUPER bloated. Though some bloat would be okay because my jeans are all too baggy again.. I need to run them through the dryer tonight.

    Speaking of, it feels good that the skinny jeans I bought earlier this year and couldn't even zip when I got them are now baggy. On the other hand, baggy skinny jeans look so bad. Just means I need new ones, I guess. Maybe 14s this time!

    _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

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    • I have only had funnel cakes one time, and I got to make them. It was fun, and they are more enjoyable than your standard fried dough. That name now gives me the heeby-jeebies though.

      Boyfriend does not understand my dislike for ill-fitting clothes. It's not just that I look sloppy, it makes me feel sloppy!
      Depression Lies

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      • Okay, I went out for fries and had some apple juice as well. When the lady asked me what I wanted to drink, I actually blanked, because I always just order water, but right now I'm supposed to be consuming sugar. I almost went with soda just because I never have it anymore, but decided I really didn't want it, and apple juice is (theoretically) less processed and full of chemicals and bullshit.

        The waitresses were really nasty. I don't know if it was solely directed at me, or maybe they just aren't nice people, or maybe they hate their jobs. But I'd say thank you and smile and they would just glare at me and then turn away. Or I'd be saying something and they'd turn and respond to a coworker. Seriously?

        I left a $3 tip on a $4.50 order. Hopefully they will be nicer to the people after me.. But seriously? Next time I'm just getting fast food fries. Fuck it.

        Originally posted by namelesswonder View Post
        Boyfriend does not understand my dislike for ill-fitting clothes. It's not just that I look sloppy, it makes me feel sloppy!
        Exactly. And, frankly, I am (and always have been) proud of my figure, and I want to wear clothes that accentuate it, not cover it up and work against it. Someone might have the hottest body ever, but if they are wearing baggy, ill-fitting clothing, they're still going to look like crap. And, personally, looking like crap makes me feel like crap. Looking like a million bucks makes me feel like a million bucks.

        _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

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        • Hurray for the excellent dental check up and baggy clothes!

          PS Love the hair. Makes me want to do it too, but my husband would be sad.
          Primal since 9/24/2010
          "Our greatest foes, and whom we must chiefly combat, are within." Miguel de Cervantes

          Created by MyFitnessPal.com - Free Weight Loss Tools
          MFP username: MDAPebbles67

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          • Whoops, I haven't posted in a while.

            So I had my carb-up day last Friday, then didn't eat anything from about 3pm Friday to about 3pm Saturday, but I really wasn't hungry at all. I was also up all night on Friday because I couldn't sleep. Ate pretty well on Saturday. Had 1 kielbasa link with onions and peppers at the ren fest, then ate a bunless Double Sasquatch at Buckeye Beer Engine. (It's a full pound of beef with swiss, bbq sauce, ketchup, and one large onion ring, served on lettuce, with a pickle. It also comes with fries, but I don't eat them.)

            I actually felt fine after the carb-up. Lots of energy, my stomach didn't hurt at all, and I wasn't hungry. That's pretty much the opposite of what I was expecting.

            But, since the carb-up, I have been SO BLOATED. My entire body is made of squish. Places that were once firm are now squish. I don't like it. For a few days after the carb-up, I was back up to around 211, which was aggravating me. Today I'm at 209 and still extremely squishy. I was briefly at 207 a while back, so I'm waiting to get back down there again.

            On the plus side, since the carb-up, I haven't been dizzy. Before, I was getting light-headed and my vision was blacking out when I would stand, which is part of why I decided it was time for the carbs. Since then, I've felt fine with no problems.

            My appetite has been slightly higher, also. So that's good.

            The final count on the carb-up was: 4 bananas, a full plate of unsalted fries (with the skins), 1 Tbsp honey, 1 Tbsp ketchup, and ~8 oz apple juice. Which is something like 200-250g carbs and 30g fat. I think next time I will try and eat some kind of lean protein and go with fewer carbs. I think I'll do those apple-cinnamon gluten-free scones (made with apple sauce instead of oil), 1-2 bananas, and maybe a small bag of kettle chips if I can find the honey dijon ones I like. Other options include rice krispies with sweetened almond milk, fat-free frozen yogurt, and rice and beans.

            Anyway, I haven't been doing much lately. Still doing shovelglove on weekdays, showering every day, brushing and flossing every day, cleaning the cat box every day. Just started taping my piercings yesterday because I cannot seem to get 6 gauge earrings in and these 8s have been in for months. Really want to buy new clothes, but I've decided to suffer with baggy stuff and save up for final-goal clothes instead. Started compiling a list of the clothing items I will want when I get to the end, and it's a lot longer than I thought. It will probably be pretty expensive to get everything I want, so it's probably better to save up now rather than piss away my money on stuff I'll only wear for a month or two at most. I can wear baggy stuff. Whatever.

            It sucks that skinny jeans turn into mom jeans when they get too big, though. For that reason (and others), I think I am going to switch to guys jeans for now (the next time I buy pants, anyway). Because they still look fine when they get baggy.

            _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

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            • Do you massage your lobes? I would recommend investing in Vitamin E oil (coconut oil might be good too, I don't really know! this is just what I've read) and taking the 6's out once a day to massage the lobes. Only try to put in a new size after a shower (try massaging in the shower?) when the skin is relaxed. I don't have the money to bother with stretching, but I'd like to get to a 0g someday (I'm at 12-10 right now, depending on the earrings I wear, and I usually keep the same 2 pairs in at all times, second holes are at 14 or 16).
              Depression Lies

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              • I do massage my ears, and use coconut oil for lube when putting the jewelry back in. The thing is that my lobes have a lot of scar tissue, and I think that's partly they're just taking forever to stretch. Also, I've heard that 8 to 6 is the first stretch that most people have trouble with. I've tried giving them more time, but it's been months and I'm impatient, so I'm going with teflon tape. I read 2 wraps every 3 days, but I hurt one of my ears the other day by trying to force the 6 in, so it's a little sore. So I'm going to wait until it's not sore anymore before I do another 2 wraps. I think I'm just going to have to do it this way from now on, since they don't seem to be stretching on their own anymore.

                I'd like to get to .5 or .75 inches eventually, but we'll see what happens. They're still so small right now, it feels like it'll never happen. I have 6, 4, 2, and 0g plain steel plugs waiting for me, and then I'll invest in some actual nice plugs after that. Can't wait to have plugs in that actually look nice and reflect my work, as opposed to these tiny girly-looking ones.

                Blah, I feel like such a work in progress. Ever since I cut my hair, I feel like I'm right back to the drawing board. Like I'm not attractive anymore the way I am, and I have so much work ahead of me before I'm acceptable. I just want to hide for the next 6 months. I'm embarrassed of how I look right now. Maybe I should have left my hair alone until the end. Though it is nice not to have to deal with it anymore.

                _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

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                • Originally posted by Gravyboat View Post
                  Blah, I feel like such a work in progress. Ever since I cut my hair, I feel like I'm right back to the drawing board. Like I'm not attractive anymore the way I am, and I have so much work ahead of me before I'm acceptable. I just want to hide for the next 6 months. I'm embarrassed of how I look right now. Maybe I should have left my hair alone until the end. Though it is nice not to have to deal with it anymore.
                  While your feelings are your own and I'm not attacking them. This is clearly nonsense from an outside perspective. you look great. you are a very beautiful woman. I suspect you were a very beautiful woman when you began this journey, you're certainly stunning now and I do not doubt that you will look jaw-droppingly fabulous when you're finished. But beauty such as yours does not go change just because of weight/hair/jewellery changes. You're just blessed with a beautiful face.
                  I like badgers, books and booze, more or less in that order.

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                  • Aw, geez. Thanks, Badgergirl. I don't know if that's true, but I appreciate it anyway!

                    I think I'm mostly running into the same wall I used to run into before when my hair was short: Boyish haircut with girly clothes looks weird, but my body is still too plump and curvy to pull off mens clothes, and I don't have any right now anyway. The only clothes I have right now are baggy womens clothes and skirts. So I either look frumpy or I look weird. At least when I had long hair, I could wear skirts and look pretty. Now I don't have any go-to style, and my clothes are falling off me and I look like crap. I need new clothes that are actually stylish and fit me so bad, but I can't afford to keep buying new clothes every month or two. So I'm just feeling like crap right now, like I might as well be wearing sacks.

                    Also, I was kind of riding on the fact that my long hair was pretty. I feel like I'm nothing right now. I'm not pretty anymore, and I'm not handsome, I just look plain and I'm wearing horrible clothes. I mean, I don't really want to be pretty, but I also don't want to be ugly. Wearing stylish clothes and looking good has always been important to me, and I am just disgusted by what I see in the mirror right now.

                    Basically, I have always been kind of scared of being seen as "butch", because my conception of it was always "fat and unattractive". And right now I feel fat and unattractive. And it's making me feel really anxious.
                    Last edited by Gravyboat; 08-08-2012, 03:30 PM.

                    _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

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                    • Originally posted by Gravyboat View Post
                      Also, I was kind of riding on the fact that my long hair was pretty. I feel like I'm nothing right now. I'm not pretty anymore, and I'm not handsome, I just look plain and I'm wearing horrible clothes. I mean, I don't really want to be pretty, but I also don't want to be ugly. Wearing stylish clothes and looking good has always been important to me, and I am just disgusted by what I see in the mirror right now.

                      Basically, I have always been kind of scared of being seen as "butch", because my conception of it was always "fat and unattractive". And right now I feel fat and unattractive. And it's making me feel really anxious.
                      You are not ugly.

                      Feel free to ignore this question if it's too personal, but why did you cut your hair? Because I remember you saying that you were getting creeped out by unwanted attention from guys, so was cutting your hair perhaps a deliberate attempt to make yourself more uninviting to them?
                      Disclaimer: I eat 'meat and vegetables' ala Primal, although I don't agree with the carb curve. I like Perfect Health Diet and WAPF Lactofermentation a lot.

                      Griff's cholesterol primer
                      5,000 Cal Fat <> 5,000 Cal Carbs
                      Winterbike: What I eat every day is what other people eat to treat themselves.
                      TQP: I find for me that nutrition is much more important than what I do in the gym.
                      bloodorchid is always right

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                      • Remember that weird is a matter of perception. Personally, short hair and girly clothes is super cute to me. And what is pulling-off men's clothes anyway (haha...not like that)?
                        Depression Lies

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                        • Nope, I still think you're pretty. I think the pixie cut really suits your face. I hope you can get some clothes you feel better in, but I haven't seen an ugly picture of you yet!
                          “If I didn't define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive.” --Audre Lorde

                          Owly's Journal

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                          • Originally posted by magicmerl View Post
                            You are not ugly.

                            Feel free to ignore this question if it's too personal, but why did you cut your hair? Because I remember you saying that you were getting creeped out by unwanted attention from guys, so was cutting your hair perhaps a deliberate attempt to make yourself more uninviting to them?
                            That was part of it. A large part of it. I wanted to be invisible again, and now I am.

                            Here's what happened, though: I started thinking about cutting my hair off again one morning, as tends to happen every couple months, and actually started writing out a big "I don't know what to do!" post here. I started listing out reasons I do and don't want long hair, things about gender identity, etc. The same stuff I always think about. Then I started writing about how, on the one hand, I do like the look of long hair and vintage lace slips and stuff like that. But then I stopped writing mid-sentence. Because I realized that, actually, while I do think that looks good, and I feel good about it because I know it looks good, I absolutely hate the idea of being the "pretty one" in a relationship, wearing lacy slips and lingerie. I hide behind it because I know I can be attractive to other people that way. I started thinking about how I would prefer to come to bed with a partner if I knew they would be equally into it either way: long hair and lacy slip, or flannel shirt and boxer briefs. And, quite frankly, there is no fucking question. NONE.

                            The more I thought about it, I decided that I have continually preferred to be pretty because I have always been fat, and I didn't think masculine clothes looked good on me while fat. (Even though I think masculine clothes look super hot on some other women who are fat, but no one said this was logical. I have a lot of ingrained self-hatred and anxiety about being a "fat ugly butch" because I used to be teased in middle school, called a "bull-dyke" and such, and also I knew a particularly awful, mean, hideous butch woman in my teens whom I fucking despised, and that was what I thought all butches were, and I refused to be associated with that, so I went hyper-femme for a long time in fear that that's how other people saw me. Etc etc.) Anyway, my body and face really lend themselves to being "pretty". I have sweet round features and curves like a mountain pass. I feel easily desirable when I doll myself up all feminine and have received a lot of positive reinforcement to that end. Also, when I was especially big, I felt like my curves were the only "saving grace" of my body. The only desirable physical attribute that got me attention. Wearing mens clothes covers them up. Which means I am covering up my only physical asset (in my mind), AND making myself look bigger than I actually am, which has always been plenty big enough. And that made me feel miserable in nearly every way.

                            But keep in mind that the last time I had short hair and wore mens clothes, I was 300lbs. I was really big. I'm less big now, and I think my body will further straighten out as I lose more weight. And I won't have to worry so much about covering up my assets, because my thinner face and body will be my assets.

                            Also, I will need to redo my wardrobe at goal weight anyway. I want to give masculinity a real chance for once, without anything pretty in my closet to fall back on. And even if I want to date boys still, I want them to accept me this way. Strong and masculine and badass, not weak and girly and frilly. I hate the idea of being anyone's femme, and I hate that I keep doing it just because I know it will get me attention and affection from people when I'm lonely. I keep falling back on it, over and over, and it disgusts me. I want to be strong and awesome and I want a strong, awesome partner who will wrestle with me and trade arm punches. I want to get over my deeply ingrained fear of appearing hideously ugly to everyone everywhere just by finally looking as masculine on the outside as I feel on the inside. I want to feel like I can be attractive looking like myself, even if it means no one else likes me and I have to be alone a lot (but that still scares the crap out of me, and so it will take some time and positive reinforcement to get to that point). And I don't want to be artificially weakened by feminine crap for other people's benefit anymore just so they'll like me.

                            tl;dr: I decided to cut my hair because I felt I was wearing a socially-applauded costume that didn't represent who I actually am. And the costume started getting too much attention from the wrong sort of person and was freaking me out, especially because it's not even me. And I realize I have some deep-seated self-hatred and anxiety issues that are never going to go away if I keep hiding from them. And the fact that I was getting unhappy and wanting to cut my hair every couple months until I could stuff the desire back down again speaks to how it really wasn't working for me deep down. I have known this whole time that the femme look isn't really me, but I keep managing to justify it because I know it looks good. And that is a pathetic cop-out, so I decided to cut the hair off and put myself in a potentially uncomfortable place again to make myself deal with things. And now I'm uncomfortable. And I'm getting less attention, which is both nice and also terrifying.

                            So I have a lot of shit to work out, basically.

                            _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

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                            • Originally posted by Gravyboat View Post
                              So I have a lot of shit to work out, basically.
                              Agreed. {gives hug}

                              I think that you have a lot of labels to work through. Why do you want to be masculine? Is that a synonym for strong to you? Why not be strong and feminine and badass?

                              One way to do that could be to take up kickboxing ....

                              p.s. Everyone wears labels. I wear a shirt to work to let everyone around me know that I'm a professional, and thus worth respecting. Dressing like I want to (beach shorts and a t shirt) would garner less respect. So I save that for wearing to church
                              Last edited by magicmerl; 08-08-2012, 06:28 PM.
                              Disclaimer: I eat 'meat and vegetables' ala Primal, although I don't agree with the carb curve. I like Perfect Health Diet and WAPF Lactofermentation a lot.

                              Griff's cholesterol primer
                              5,000 Cal Fat <> 5,000 Cal Carbs
                              Winterbike: What I eat every day is what other people eat to treat themselves.
                              TQP: I find for me that nutrition is much more important than what I do in the gym.
                              bloodorchid is always right

                              Comment


                              • With your personality, you WILL find someone who will accept YOU and they won't mind how you decide to decorate your shell whether it's with long or short hair, lace and lingerie or an old stained t-shirt and gym shorts.

                                You said that your body and face lend themselves to being pretty.

                                It's okay to be pretty...and you are

                                I've been around "pretty" people and within a few minutes of getting to know them wanted to puke. From what I can tell, you wouldn't make me want to puke

                                It's cliche and corny but you actually are pretty inside and out. Sure, you have issues but you have the courage to face them down which is another attractive quality.

                                You don't give yourself enough credit lady Around here we will keep reminding you of how cool you are to us.

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