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Gravyboat's Log, Stardate 59575.1

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  • Thanks, WaylandC.

    Originally posted by Owly View Post
    Wow, she sounds like a real-life Manic Pixie Dream Girl.
    Pretty much!

    Congrats, Ladybear, it sounds like you're doing awesome.

    I'm a little worried about the undereating, though. Maybe eat a little more to put my anxious mind at ease? The head rush thing is making me think you could use a few more calories.
    I've been eating more since I made my soup, but still getting head rushes. I've been drinking a ton of water, but I don't know if that could have anything to do with it. Foodwise, I had 3 strips of bacon, 2 eggs, and two bowls of chicken soup today. I guess that still doesn't sound like a lot, but it feels like a lot to me. I'm kind of the queen of undereating, honestly. Even when I was still big, at least the last few years of it, I did not eat a lot and sometimes I didn't eat at all. I just don't have much of an appetite, and I still worry about running out of food sometimes so I find myself unconsciously rationing what I have.

    If I get hungry, my immediate not-even-fully-conscious impulse is to drink some water or distract myself. I generally don't eat until my stomach is gnawing, and that just doesn't happen very often. And even then, sometimes if I drink some water and ignore it, it goes away.

    I really don't think I have an eating disorder because none of this is fueled by self-loathing or some kind of desire to starve myself or something. I know logically that eating more should actually boost my metabolism and make me feel better. And I make delicious food and I want to eat it. I do get anxious about how quickly I eat it, though. I mean, I'll make 5 quarts of soup and figure that should last me at least 5 days, but sometimes it ends up being more like 3-4 and I panic and tell myself to stop eating so much and I'm going to run out of food and starve. I don't know why, but eating feels like "wasting food" to me sometimes. It's like I'd be happier if I made it and it just stayed in the fridge forever just so I know it's there if I really need it. And if I'm not dying, I don't really need it.

    And as another INTP, I totally hear you.
    Word. Us INTP ladies are a rare breed. I am not surprised you are one too, though, because I like you so much. That's usually a tip-off.

    _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

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    • I thought I was over my cravings, but daaaaaaamn.



      Also, damn, I'm up late tonight. I wasn't hungry at all today and wasn't tired at all either. I'm still fully awake, and I didn't even sleep well last night because it was storming and my cats were running around and puking. I forced myself to eat some bacon and eggs for dinner even though I didn't want them at all. But I didn't take my melatonin because I just didn't feel like going to bed. It's not like there's anything I need to keep a schedule for.

      I mean, I probably should keep a schedule, but lately I have been wanting to stay up late and experience the night again. It's been a while, you know? So far, it's alright. I could probably call my friend right now and get picked up for the flea market, because I bet she is about to head there right now. But frankly I still don't feel like fleaing. I just don't have the itch to buy anything trinkety right now, which I guess is good. And I definitely don't feel like braving the weirdos. And it's just kinda really boring when you're selling and not buying.

      I'm thinking of having a carb-up tomorrow to maybe improve my appetite. I've decided to do it with bananas, and french fries with honey. Foregoing the ice cream for now. I just don't have an immediate taste for it. I want something salty and I feel like going to a restaurant by myself and eating fries and daydreaming.

      I dunno, we'll see what happens.

      _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

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      • Still awake! I got super hungry around 7 and finally ate the last of the soup. Was in a super super crabby mood for about 30 minutes before I started digesting, then I was fine.

        I'm a little out of it but I guess I'll just stay up today. No reason not to. I don't even really feel tired, just kinda spaced-out and wired like I'm full of caffeine (but of course I'm not). I think I might still go out for fries today just for something to do.

        For some reason I am a living grease-bomb right now and it is irritating me. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I took a shower every single day this week when normally I only do like 2, maybe 3 tops. Maybe my skin is freaking out. I don't know.

        _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

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        • I've been a celiac for long enough now that cake isn't all that exciting--I very rarely get to have any, and if I do, it's usually of the flourless sort covered in ganache (which is really more awesome anyhow!). But oh, how I do feel tempted by really good icing, and those blue swirls look perfect for a stealthy finger swipe-and-lick approach. When the cupcake craze really hit, I had almost zero interest in the cakes, but the mountain of frosting on top? Let's just say it's a good thing I have celiac or I'd be sunk.
          “If I didn't define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive.” --Audre Lorde

          Owly's Journal

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          • Originally posted by Gravyboat View Post
            LMAO! Awesomeness.

            Originally posted by Gravyboat View Post
            Word. Us INTP ladies are a rare breed. I am not surprised you are one too, though, because I like you so much. That's usually a tip-off.
            Aw, thanks. I'm never ever really sure if people like me, and I am glad when people just say it.

            Also, I'm glad you're aware of the stuff around your eating and are trying to be conscious of what your body needs.
            “If I didn't define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive.” --Audre Lorde

            Owly's Journal

            Comment


            • I will admit that that cake is so beautiful I would actually rather shove it into my eyes than shove it into my mouth. I don't think it would actually taste all that amazing. Probably just like blue sugary cardboard. But omg, it looks beautiful.

              I'm thinking about trying a flourless dark chocolate cake for my birthday this year. I still really wish I could get another one of those ice cream cakes, but I know logically that I would long for death.

              Sooo.. Ok, going on 29 hours awake so far, and feeling pretty normal right now. I was feeling really slumpy and tired for a while, but I'm doing fine now. As long as I can make it until around 6, I'll count that a victory.

              I'm going to forego the carb-up until next weekend. I fear that in this kind of weird haven't-slept-in-a-really-long-time condition, adding a lot of sugar is like the worst thing possible. So I'll do a lot of exercise this week and then have fries next weekend instead. That's fine. I wasn't having a craving or anything, it just sounded novel and fun.

              _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

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              • With this staying up thing you've done don't be surprised if you have some negative effects for a while. I actually need to quit staying up so late. After watching a podcast with Joe Rogan and Robb Wolf and him saying how poor sleep and lack of sleep can affect insulin sensitivity/resistance...well, that's one of the things none of us need.

                It's pretty cool looking at your ticker at the bottom. You're over the hump in terms of the current goal

                And yeah, that cake looked pretty awesome. I wouldn't mind plunging my face into it but I'm sure I'd regret it the next day with a sugar hangover.

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                • Yeah, I'm going to try not to make a habit of staying up for ridiculously long periods of time. I've pretty much already been there, done that anyway. But it's kind of weird that the only reason I sleep at night is because I take a pill. And to know that if I don't want to sleep, I don't have to.

                  I certainly don't want any more insulin problems, though!

                  I decided to change things up with my avatar/ticker in honor of making it halfway. Plus, they were a little more cutesy than I usually go. The avatar is a closeup of the "scene" next to my bed. I couldn't decide on an icon for the new ticker, but I eventually settled on the bike because it seriously feels like I'm just whooshing right through this weight loss. It is so brisk and enjoyable and easy, it's just like coasting downhill on a bike. The pounds are zipping right past me.

                  And I really do think the last half is going to go even faster and easier than the first now that I have it down to a science (literally). And that is going to be crazy, because I already have to stop and think to remember what my current weight is. It's just going so quickly. My head still wants to say 220-something. But I'm closer to 199 than I am to 220!

                  Coasting downhill on a bike, man. Just coasting.
                  Last edited by Gravyboat; 07-30-2012, 02:28 AM.

                  _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

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                  • Here's the full picture of the table next to my bed.



                    Lots of candles, antique mirrors, oil lamps, a painting I did and a painting my friend did, a corked bottle of apple blossom scented massage oil. And earplugs because my fluffy little darlings wouldn't shut the hell up the other night while I was trying to sleep.

                    My whole apartment basically looks like this.

                    _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

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                    • I like it. You've got a really cool style going on there.

                      I think whether this last half of body composition change goes as quickly, quicker, or even slower than the first half, you'll still have success in the end.

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                      • Very nice, I think I would like your apartment. Love the paintings.
                        Depression Lies

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                        • Oh god, I slept for like 12 hours. My jaw hurts and my whole body is sore.

                          I vow not to stay up all weekend ever again. That sucked. Ugh.

                          _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

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                          • Morning, Sunshine.

                            Heeheehee.

                            Don't worry, it will get better. Intriguing new avatar. I'm glad you posted what it was, and the larger picture. I was puzzling. I like all those candles and mirrors. But only as a concept. I am too fire-phobic to go that route myself. At least I can enjoy, vicariously.

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                            • I should probably be more afraid of fire than I am. But honestly I've been a candle hoarder since middle school. I like huge glowing displays and dripping wax and flickering flames. In the picture, you can also partially see the silver goblet with all the used matches in it. I periodically set that on fire when it gets full (it's actually about due now). Smells super good, like a bonfire, and feels exciting and cathartic. Lets off a lot of smoke, though.

                              Here's another view of the same table. You can also see the incense box I painted.



                              And here's some blurry pictures of other areas of my bedroom.


                              (I was showing off the bowl for street cred after I saw the same one on Caprica.)


                              (Those things are actually all sitting on a silver platter now, but I don't have a more recent picture to prove this.)

                              My kingdom for a decent camera. I have to use my crappy phone camera and computer webcam to photograph everything. It's one of many things I would like to save up for.

                              Also, do you have any idea how hard it is to find unscented candles? More difficult than one would probably assume. I like my candles to smell like melted wax. That's a scent too. Can you imagine an entire table of scented candles burning at once? You'd need a gas mask just to walk in the room. Yuck.

                              _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

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                              • Beeswax is my favorite. Not only is it appropriately earthy-crunchy Primal, they have a lovely sweet smell that's not overpowering.
                                Depression Lies

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