If this is your first visit, be sure to
check out the FAQ by clicking the
link above. You may have to register
before you can post: click the register link above to proceed. To start viewing messages,
select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below.
Ugh, my worms are cranky. After those mushrooms, I noticed the bin was smelling more and more weird. Kind of a milky acetate kind of smell. I tried aerating the bin, but it didn't help. Finally, I went in and removed every recognizable food scrap in there, thinking the bin must be going sour and something in there has to be causing it. There were several black, dried-up banana peels still in one piece. Took those out. Then there was something I was not expecting: an entire fucking peach! How the hell did that even get in there? I think I must have thrown it in before I even got the worms, back when I grabbed a bunch of moldy fruit at the market in an attempt to get the bin properly "colonized" before the worms arrived. But, uh.. Yeah, so I didn't know that was in there. Whoops.
Anyway, I removed it, and the bin smells better again, but the worms are angry now and have been trying to escape for the last two days. And also there are tons of tiny red mites all over the lid (not the same mites that were in my bathroom). Fucking vermiculture! You worms need to shut up, go downstairs, and eat some cardboard. Stop crawling up and trying to leave, damn you! I fixed the problem, so I don't know why you're so mad!
I hate when the worms try to crawl out because it means I have to shine light on them at night to force them back down. And my apartment is not very big, so that means I get light shined on me at night too. What a bunch of assholes. Damn worms.
In other news, I started using a special calendar program to try and cajole myself into doing things every day that I don't like doing and sticking to my responsibilities. Basically, for every day you perform your responsibility, you get to mark the day green. If you don't do it, you get a big red box of shame instead. The idea is that you don't want any red boxes, and if you do have to mark one it will stick out as a failure and affect your self esteem. You can't go back in time, so a failure cannot be fixed afterward. It will just sit there mocking you. So, to keep the green boxes going, you will want to keep doing what you need to do.
I've only been doing it 2 days so far, but I like it. I am tracking 5 different things right now that all need to be done every day: exercising, cleaning the cat box, sticking to my diet, taking a shower, and brushing my teeth. Yes, I'll admit it: I hate taking showers and I hate brushing my teeth. So I am hoping this motivates me to do those things far more than I currently do. So far so good. It feels good to mark boxes green, and I want to keep it going. It's not like these are difficult things to do, and the psychological reward of marking a success is currently outweighing my disdain, so I'm not dragging my feet too much. Eventually I am going to add in doing dishes, because that is something that I HATE doing that NEVER gets done. But for now I will stick with these 5.
As of today, I am 210lbs. 50% done, 50lbs to go! It has been just over 6 months. There have been several plateaus along the way, but I understand why they happened now, and I think the second half will go more smoothly now that I know better what my body needs and thrives on.
I know that weight comes off more slowly as you get smaller, but I am redoubling my efforts. I fucked around a lot in the first half. I didn't work very hard and wasn't very disciplined. But now I have a fun, effective, and inexpensive exercise program that I really enjoy, and it only takes 15 minutes a day. I'm committed to staying very-low-carb, and don't have any more fanciful notions that I can eat a little chocolate here and a little fruit there and stay on track. I know now that that doesn't work for me, so hopefully I can avoid any future plateaus due to diet negligence. Now that I know what I need to do, I can just chug along, and I'm actually predicting that the second half will go faster than the first.
I want to be at or close to 160lbs by January 1, 2013. I really think I can do 100lbs in a year, and the results I've seen recently (increased muscle mass, no longer plus sized, knee bones knocking together, face dramatically thinner, shoulders completely firm, etc) have been super encouraging. I no longer feel like I'm hoping for something that may or may not happen. I feel now like I'm almost there, that it's just a matter of waiting a few more months, that an easy success is assured as long as I keep working. And of course I'm going to keep working, because this is my life now. It doesn't even feel like work. I truly enjoy what I'm doing, and I have no desire to quit.
To be honest, I'm still a little stunned that I've lost 50lbs in 6 months. I would never have imagined that I could lose this much weight. And it's been easy. I actually feel a little guilty, like I've cheated somehow, because I didn't think losing a ton of weight was supposed to be this effortless. But, right now I weigh what I did in middle school. 6 months from now I'll be thin for the first time in my life. It still doesn't quite seem real. But it is!
I still think I might like to lose more than 100, but I won't know for sure until I get there. All I can do right now is keep going. And I intend to!
It's probably worth noting that lately I have only been eating like one meal a day on average. Maybe a little nibble of something for dinner if I'm peckish. I don't track calories, but I would guess I am eating 1000 or less per day right now. I'm just not that hungry. I've been getting head rushes when I stand up, though. When that gets particularly bad I eat something, even if I'm still not that hungry.
Yesterday I ate about 5 strips of bacon and 3 small eggs, and then later I had a spoonful of sunflower butter. That just doesn't seem like enough. And it certainly isn't nutritious. I took a multivitamin and a calcium tablet because I was worried my body would start eating my bones or something.
I think I read something about how lack of hunger is normal in ketosis, but that you should try to eat anyway. So I'm going to make an effort this next week to eat twice a day. I just made bone stock overnight, so I'll have chicken soup for the rest of the week. I don't have many eggs left, but I think I'll get some at the store today. I need to go buy carrots anyway.
Feeling completely exhausted today, honestly. Still sore from an overly-strenuous workout a few days ago (and I have postponed workouts until further notice). My lower back is becoming less sore, but the insides of my elbows still hurt when extending my arm fully. I know what caused that: Throwing the head of the hammer away from me with as much force as possible, like chopping down a door with an axe, and then stopping abruptly by jerking my (not completely straightened) arm back against the force. I probably hurt my tendons or something. I won't do that again, and I'm not doing upper body strength training again until that's fully healed.
I went to the grocery store an hour or so ago. Thanking my lucky stars that I wore something nice, because I ran into my (intimidatingly attractive) acquaintance who lives next door and her (intimidatingly attractive) boyfriend, whom I'd never met before. Thankfully I don't think I came off as painfully awkward as I usually do, and hopefully I made an ok first impression, though I know he has already heard all about me, and I don't know how the real me compares to what he was expecting. Probably not favorably.
(Pointless and boring backstory: He is a lifelong friend of my local best friend, and has apparently been asking when he was going to finally meet me. I've actually been avoiding meeting him because I hate hanging out with groups of people who go way back. They just talk about old times and I feel annoyed and bored and outcast. Also, I haven't had the money or desire to go out to a restaurant to get a crappy-but-expensive cheat meal I know I won't actually enjoy, especially with the aforementioned group of longtime friends who will most likely ignore me. The worst is when they do finally realize I'm there and then ask me things like "Uh... Sooo, what do you do?" Nothing, thanks for asking. Just have your damn conversation. I'll just stand here and try to figure out what to do with my hands while you all laugh uproariously about people I don't know. Cool.)
I should probably eventually figure out how to cure my awkwardness around people. But it's hard to pin down because it usually only seems to happen around certain people. It's like, some people I meet just speak a different language than I do. The rhythm of the conversation is always off, and my mind goes blank, and I can never think of a decent response in the spur of the moment so I just say something vapid and embarrassing. (eg: "Haha, cool. Yeahhhh.... So yeah." Oh god, it hurts.) I mean, if I were awkward all the time, I would never have a successful first date. But I've had plenty of successful dates, and plenty of meaningful friendships, and have dated plenty of people I effortlessly connect with. It just seems to depend on the person, and probably a lot of it is how comfortable I am around them.
This acquaintance of mine, I have like zero in common with her, and it seems like she has her shit totally together, and she's tiny and physically perfect, and has a job and a record label, and she's also a nympho and has boys lined up around the block. She's everything I'm not, and it's really intimidating. When I talk to her, all I can think about is how much of a big ugly doofus I am, and how much of a complete failure my life is. And then when I do try to say something about how things are going well for me "Oh yeah, I've lost 50lbs this year! So that's exciting." she just stares at me and there's an awkward pause. And then it's back to "So yeah...." Also, I tried to invite her out to the pool sometime when I saw her on Sunday, and she kind of chuckled nervously and said thanks but she doesn't go to the pool because it gives her a rash. But it must be a lot of fun for people who don't get a rash, though. "Oh.. Okay.. Sorry, that sucks.. So.. yeah."
Honestly I just try to avoid her. Today when I ran into her she politely said that I should hang out with her and her boyfriend sometime, and I said "Oh cool, send me a text or something." I'm pretty sure she was just being polite, and I also hope she doesn't actually send me a text.
Without going off on too much of a rant about this girl, I guess I would say that she's "real". But.. it's more like she's a giant ball of interesting, obscure, and alternative styles, preferences, and life experiences. I mean, she grew up in a musician household, does a lot of drugs, has a pet snake, shaves part of her head, makes experimental music, sleeps around a lot, etc. Anything you like, or anything that you've done, she either doesn't care about at all and it's pretty obvious that she's bored, or she likes/has done something that's more underground and obscure, and then she has a story about how she totally met someone more important than you once.
It's to the point where these things seem to basically define her personality and cover up a lack of actual substance. Her forte seems to be meeting new people, charming them with how adorable and quirky she is, drawling out a bunch of flat-sounding "Aw man, that's awesome"s, and then giving them her contact info and leaving before they realize she has no more depth than that.
I have hung out with her solo a few times, and she never seems to talk about anything except other people and how she met them, things she did once and how awesome it was, bands, and boys. Everything is "awesome" and "cool".
So I guess maybe she's not that "real" after all. And maybe the problem isn't with me. Honestly, the more I really think about her and try to summarize her personality, the more I realize it's just a really elaborate potemkin village. So I guess I shouldn't feel so crappy compared to her. But still, watching the ease with which she draws in and charms complete strangers just by being tiny, cute, and quirky (I hesitate to say "unique"), it's hard not to feel like a hulking, thick-tongued dullard.
I have plenty of depth, but I'm so quiet around people I don't know, and my answers to basic questions ("So, what do you do?") are generally so terse, that most people never really see it. I don't pipe up about things I know a lot about or find interesting unless I see an opening in the conversation. Generally someone says something that is not entirely correct, or they mention something offhand and say they don't know a lot about it. Well, I do, so I open my mouth and proceed to tell them what I know. Then everyone just stands there and says "Wow, huh.. Cool.." and then they change the subject.
Me not gud at talking, apparently. I hate being in groups of people because it's like every time I speak, everyone looks at me like I have two heads, then they stare at their feet uncomfortably, and then there is a pause after I finish, after which everyone jumps in to clear the air. I'm not saying anything offensive or negative, so what gives? Am I really just that hideously boring and/or weird? Such is the life of an INTP, I guess. I wish I were cute and quirky, but I fear I'll always just be weird.
[Edit] Hm, it just occurred to me that maybe the sphere of my knowledge and the sphere of common knowledge that other people tend to share are just so disparate that other people just literally have no idea how to respond to what I say, just like I have no idea what to say to them about the things they know about. I guess that would explain why everyone always looks so uncomfortable every time I speak. They just have absolutely nothing of substance to add, and so they are uncomfortable with their lack of knowledge of how to respond, not necessarily uncomfortable with me personally.
Still, it makes me feel like a fucking leper every time.