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Gravyboat's Log, Stardate 59575.1

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  • Originally posted by Jerseyjim View Post
    Although, I would say the onslaught has already begun
    What he said.

    Gravyboat, you're transformation is nothing short of amazing! I'm sure the attention you're getting is gratifying, but I bet how much better you feel is even more important.

    Well done!
    It's nice in a way, but I still find it really weird and offputting most of the time. It's just VERY new to me, and it's increasing in severity at a breakneck pace. I wasn't really prepared for it at all, after being invisible for so long, so I'm having trouble dealing with it.

    Originally posted by WaylandC View Post
    Lookin' good lady. Your face really stands out now. Keep doing your thing.
    That's the main thing that sticks out to me: My head is bigger in proportion to my body now. It's one of the only ways I can tell I am smaller now, aside from measurements.

    _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

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    • Originally posted by Gravyboat View Post
      It's nice in a way, but I still find it really weird and offputting most of the time. It's just VERY new to me, and it's increasing in severity at a breakneck pace. I wasn't really prepared for it at all, after being invisible for so long, so I'm having trouble dealing with it..
      Ah, put that way, I get it. You will adjust; in fact, I think it will be an easier adjustment than going from attractive to invisible.

      As I got older and in poorer shape, the ladies stopped looking. I'm married, so I told myself this was ok. I discovered primal in December and have had quite a bit of success following the lifestyle. Sometime between last December and now, the ladies have started looking again. At the risk of sounding shallow, it is nice to be noticed again.

      I share the above because I've been through attractive to invisible, then invisible to attractive (attractive being a relative term in my case). Each is a mental adjustment; however, the latter is empowering.

      You will adjust! Give yourself some time.

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      • Originally posted by Jerseyjim View Post
        Each is a mental adjustment; however, the latter is empowering.
        It actually feels dis-empowering to me, because it felt like I was a normal human before, and now I feel like a piece of meat. My dad says I should embrace it and milk it for all it's worth, but I don't feel comfortable with that at all. For one thing, I'm not a terrible person, and also I think that sexual power is frankly no power at all. I'd rather be a badass who commands respect by whipping a sledgehammer around and being smart and awesome, not some passive eyecandy who receives attention from people who want something (namely: my body, like I'm some kind of product). Yuck.

        You will adjust! Give yourself some time.
        I hope so, because I would hate to face a lifetime of this. I could foresee myself getting so wearied and uncomfortable that I'd fantasize about mutilating my own face just for the invisibility again.

        _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

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        • Originally posted by Gravyboat View Post
          It actually feels dis-empowering to me, because it felt like I was a normal human before, and now I feel like a piece of meat. My dad says I should embrace it and milk it for all it's worth, but I don't feel comfortable with that at all. For one thing, I'm not a terrible person, and also I think that sexual power is frankly no power at all. I'd rather be a badass who commands respect by whipping a sledgehammer around and being smart and awesome, not some passive eyecandy who receives attention from people who want something (namely: my body, like I'm some kind of product). Yuck.

          I'm somewhere between yourself and you dad on how to handle this...I wouldn't "milk it" but I also wouldn't feel like a piece of meat. You will find your own way! Be patient with yourself. You've set off down a road of transformation and who knows where it will take you.

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          • Originally posted by Gravyboat View Post
            It actually feels dis-empowering to me, because it felt like I was a normal human before, and now I feel like a piece of meat. My dad says I should embrace it and milk it for all it's worth, but I don't feel comfortable with that at all. For one thing, I'm not a terrible person, and also I think that sexual power is frankly no power at all. I'd rather be a badass who commands respect by whipping a sledgehammer around and being smart and awesome, not some passive eyecandy who receives attention from people who want something (namely: my body, like I'm some kind of product). Yuck.

            I hope so, because I would hate to face a lifetime of this. I could foresee myself getting so wearied and uncomfortable that I'd fantasize about mutilating my own face just for the invisibility again.
            I'm sitting here, thinking about this. I do, and I don't, understand simultaneously. I do, because I am raising my daughters very much on the conservative side, and it is the furthest thing from my knock-out two-oldest daughter's minds (and inclination) to flaunt their stuff, even though they have it, and have some small idea of the fact that they do have it. I, too, want them known for their character, their brains, their talents, before their physical selves.

            And I don't, because I have personally never been seen by anybody (outside of hubby) in that kind of attractive light. So the n=1 experience isn't there with me. The only times I got hit on were by nasty older foreign dudes at 11 p.m. at the train station in Frankfurt (where I used to live, and my workplace finished up that late, and that was where I caught the streetcar home) looking for a cheap time.

            But my thought is this: you can still be that sledge-slinging, whip-smart, confident person. Nobody can stop you from developing into that except you. I do not think it is awful to be pretty - I believe humans are simply hard-wired to respond to beauty, so many can be excused. Not the nasty ones, though - they are just nasty, you know? And you may find that being pretty does get you places "easier", if you will, than if you were (ahem) ugly - that I WOULD use to my advantage, if I had it. Not in any deceitful or hurtful way - just kind of another kind of bow in the quiver thing, if I needed it.

            Jerseyjim is right - give it time, and it will sort itself out. You will find your balance - I know you will. You have a good head on your shoulders, and you know your worth.
            I have a mantra that I have spouted for years... "If I eat right, I feel right. If I feel right, I exercise right. If I exercise right, I think right. If I think right, I eat right..." Phil-SC

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            • Originally posted by Crabbcakes View Post
              The only times I got hit on were by nasty older foreign dudes at 11 p.m. at the train station in Frankfurt (where I used to live, and my workplace finished up that late, and that was where I caught the streetcar home) looking for a cheap time.
              That's what it all feels like to me. Creepy and threatening. And most of the dudes who actually come up and aggressively hit on me at this point really are old, creepy, and threatening. At least it's always in broad daylight and I've never felt actually unsafe... yet. But it still feels like that sort of situation almost every time I go out now, which really freaks me out. I mean, imagine if those nasty old foreign dudes were suddenly on every corner, yelling things from restaurant patios and staring out their car windows every time you went out. I could deal with one or two creepy guys every once in a while, but I just feel surrounded right now. It's really overwhelming and hard to deal with. I try to ignore it and just keep my head up and looking confident, but most of the time I just want to put on an invisibility cloak.

              The worst part is that I'm the sort of person who always has a smile on their face when they're walking down the street, and I like to smile at strangers and say hi. That's like begging to have creepy dudes talk to you...

              But my thought is this: you can still be that sledge-slinging, whip-smart, confident person.
              Well yeah, I mean I am going to be no matter what. I just am not looking forward to having to play the "Why do you like me? Because I'm cool or because I'm hot?" game with everyone I meet.. I already deal with that in video games, and have always ABSOLUTELY HATED it. To the point where I seriously considered having a sex change and becoming a dude just so I could be treated like a human being and not a cock-hungry meat puppet. I really, really do not want to deal with this irl now too, but that's what's happening whether I want it or not.

              And you may find that being pretty does get you places "easier", if you will, than if you were (ahem) ugly - that I WOULD use to my advantage, if I had it. Not in any deceitful or hurtful way - just kind of another kind of bow in the quiver thing, if I needed it.
              I guess I just don't know how to use it to my advantage without either encouraging it or being a bad person.

              _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

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              • PS: 213lbs today. Feeling kinda sore all over, but it's not horrible.

                _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

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                • Wow, Gravyboat. Impressive changes. I can really see it in your face, as well as your body.
                  Your thoughts on the increased attention (and other people's, too) are an interesting read for me. This is something I am still learning how to handle. I have always done better at things when I do them secretly. As soon as I get feedback, I slack off. The nature of weight-loss, of course, is that eventually it becomes visible.
                  Just another skill for me to work on.

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                  • One thing I also noticed in your newer photo is that you can see you've been getting out into the fresh air and sunshine--you have more colour and your skin looks healthier. You also definitely look stronger. So those are some nice, positive changes that aren't just about your size or how hawt you are.

                    I understand the attention thing and the discomfort. I like to go walk my dog in the parks around here, and it's been ridiculously hot so I haven't been wearing a lot (shorts and an athletic tank, usually). Some people on the trails are really friendly, but some of the dudes who are running or biking past make me feel seriously creeped out. I've been getting a lot of honks and shouts too. Street harassment sucks. I hate it that I can't just be a person in public--that my value as a sexual object seems to be constantly up for evaluation by passing dudes.



                    “If I didn't define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive.” --Audre Lorde

                    Owly's Journal

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                    • Omg I love that first comic. I am so sick of dudes saying that. My dad is especially bad because he is super jealous of pretty women for getting all sorts of attention he wishes he could get. But it's not the same thing AT ALL. He actually sees it as the women having the power in a catcall situation, which makes me want to rip my fucking hair out.

                      _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

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                      • Oof, my legs and feet are sore! I didn't even know I had muscles in my feet before today. Damn. Must have been all that gripping with my toes, trying to pull myself up the hills.

                        It's interesting because I am feeling all these obscure little stabilizer muscles in my legs that don't tense up until I tip my balance or step a certain way. I guess that means the hike was effective!

                        I can't wait to go again!

                        _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

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                        • Hmmm. Just tried some sunflower butter for the first time. I don't know if I like it or not. It kinda tastes like peanut butter, but then again, doesn't. Maybe it's just this brand, too, but I can sorta taste the seed hulls. Kinda bitter and woody.

                          I dunno.....

                          This shit is so high in omega 6 it's just insane. 2 Tbsp is like 9000mg!!! On the other hand, it has high levels of a lot of vitamins and minerals, particularly Pantothenic Acid, Magnesium, Phosphorus, Copper and Manganese.

                          I think it would be good with honey. And I should really only eat like a little teaspoon of it at a time, I think. I just wanted to try it. I don't think I'm going to buy it again.

                          _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

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                          • After barefooting/wearing minimalist shoes for a couple of years now, my feet are ridiculously strong. I can actually sort of grip the ground with them on a moving train, for example. It's kind of awesome! They're super veiny now though--apparently my feet and hands are the first bits of me to get really lean.

                            Sunflower butter is okay. Cashew butter is delicious. Macadamia butter is incredible, but so is the price. Sigh.

                            That second cartoon lost its caption--it said something like "shit that never, ever happens", which makes it funnier.
                            “If I didn't define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive.” --Audre Lorde

                            Owly's Journal

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                            • I want cashew butter. The only reason I didn't get that instead is because I would inhale the entire jar in one sitting. Cashews are my ultimate vice, no joke.

                              _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

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                              • That would be similar to the reason I very, very rarely bring brie into my house. I can eat a couple hundred grams at one sitting (that's like half a pound of cheese). Not. Safe. For. Me.
                                “If I didn't define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive.” --Audre Lorde

                                Owly's Journal

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