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Gravyboat's Log, Stardate 59575.1

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  • WHOA WHOA

    My weight is down 2lbs from when I got up this morning.

    WHAT??

    So apparently exercise works pretty well at what it does. Who would have thought? (Answer: Not me)

    So yeah, I'm expecting 212 tomorrow. We'll see!

    _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

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    • Originally posted by Gravyboat View Post
      I'm sad I only figured out what works best for me 6 months down the line, but better late than never, I guess.
      Edit: "I figured out what works for me." And remember, you have that 50+ years you mentioned.

      Comment


      • Originally posted by WaylandC View Post
        Edit: "I figured out what works for me." And remember, you have that 50+ years you mentioned.
        Fair point! In the grand scheme of things, it has not been long at all. And I will reap the benefit for a very long time.

        However, I'm only 214 today. So meh. Hopefully it's just exercise bloat. My muscles feel "buzzy" today.

        _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

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        • Originally posted by torena View Post
          Hey there, I've only just read your first couple of posts but your thyroid journey reminds me of mine. I found Thyroid Mistreatment, Hypothyroidism Scandals, and Thyroid Treatment Problems | Stop The Thyroid Madness about 5 years ago, realized that it sounded a lot like me, and went off to my PCP. He told me that I was "just depressed" and would do the thyroid bloodwork but I probably just needed to lose weight and take antidepressants. 4 years ago I started seeing an endocrinologist who also teaches at Georgetown, so she's very up to date on current thyroid research, and I am so happy with her. She doesn't believe in that faulty wide range for thyroid function, nor does she work on solely the TSH. Since it's been 6 months I'm wondering what the biggest changes are you have seen since you started?
          Hi there. The biggest changes I've seen with regards to thyroid issues, hmmm. Well, my goiter, which I'd had for years and was making it hard to swallow even liquids, disappeared in like a week after I started taking iodine. I don't feel so sluggish and hazy anymore, but that could have to do with a lot of things (like weighing over 40lbs less and eating nutritious foods in adequate amounts). No more heart palpitations, which I had pretty much monthly or bi-monthly for years. Skin is much less dry. I haven't used lotion in weeks, where it used to be an everyday necessity. No more swollen ankles, though that's diet related.

          I still do have trouble regulating my body temperature, which was always a big issue. Walking from outside into a building which has a slightly higher temperature (or even a lower temperature but no air circulation)? UGHHH. Generally my face turns beet red and I sweat profusely for 15+ minutes. Super embarrassing, not to mention extremely uncomfortable. What else.. I still have super infrequent poops. Which I've decided to come to peace with as just something my body does. It's fine and normal when it does happen, it just only happens maybe twice a week. Still losing hair in giant handfuls, but that also comes with losing large amounts of weight. I'm also growing in new hair right now at an alarming rate (not a good look, having tons of short hairs when you have long hair).

          As far as depression/anxiety/low energy/inability to deal with things go, which I'm convinced were entirely hormonal/a result of my body not having the resources to function correctly, that isn't fully fixed yet, but it's much, much better I think. I've had a depressive week or so in the past 6 months, but I recovered, and without medication. The anxiety that used to keep me housebound now does not keep me housebound. My financial situation does. Lol.. I still have trouble sometimes psyching myself up to do things that feel like a lot of work because I fear the feeling of being completely depleted like I used to get. But I am discovering (after forcing myself to do it anyway) that those things actually aren't depleting me nearly as much as I expect them to. My body is recovering!

          I'm pretty sure it'll take at least another year to really be on even ground with most other humans, but I'm actually getting better! I seriously never thought I would ever get better. I literally expected to keep scraping by somehow, in a deep, dark pit of terror and misery, maybe for 10 or 15 more years if I was lucky, until such day that I finally succeeded in killing myself. True story. And now, I'm getting better, AND I'm medication-free, AND I'm losing a ton of weight. It's just crazy.
          Last edited by Gravyboat; 07-14-2012, 02:02 PM.

          _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

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          • Also, you guys, I just took some more "during" pics today, in the same poses as pictures I had from before. (All naked, and not flattering, so I'm not posting.)

            All I can say is: OMG

            While I was taking the pictures, I was seriously going "Damnit, they look exactly the same as the old ones.." It wasn't until I actually sat down and looked at the pictures next to each other that I realized the change. It is actually kind of dramatic, particularly in the waist and face, which is exactly what I WASN'T expecting. I mean, I realize my double chin has mostly gone away, and I know that I have lost, what.. 6 inches off my waist? But.. Those are two of the areas on my body I am most nervous about. For my face, I have very narrow features and a tall face. That's why I've (luckily) never really had the big round "fat girl face", just because the length of my face evens it out. But my features are still very small and narrow, and they look even tinier with the fat on my face puffing my cheeks and chin out. So that's always kind of been a disaster I don't like to think about.

            As it stands now, my face is still a little fat, but much less so than it was. But that's fine, I am only halfway through this.

            As for my waist... I had a very defined waist even before. But I have actually had this unrelenting (and probably irrational) fear that by losing weight I am going to lose my hourglass figure. I'm still kind of scared about it even now. But, I dunno, looking at the pictures..

            Essentially, my waist went from } { to ) (

            I used to be pretty fat, sure, but my waist nipped in severely. And then nipped right back out again. Now it's much more of an easy curve. I have a ribcage (which still has fat over it, but less than before), then I have a waist, which is not much smaller than my ribcage, then there is more or less a straight diagonal line to my hips (which are still proportionately wide because that's just my bone structure). The curve is much less severe, and it does not look like I'm wearing an invisible corset like it used to.

            I was worried that if I lost that "nip" at the waist, I would look less curvy. But, in reality, I just look less fat. I am always going to have wide hips, so I don't know why I'm even paranoid about that. And as more fat comes off my ribcage (it appears to be about an inch thick all the way around), my waist will get smaller too, and so will my hips at a similar or even lesser rate. And it will all be fine in the end. DO YOU HEAR ME, BRAIN? IT WILL BE FINE. STOP WORRYING.

            I am concerned that my belly doesn't look any smaller, but I only took front-facing pictures because I simply don't have many old pictures from the side. And it is a well-known fact that: a) lower belly fat is frequently the last thing to go, and b) people with rolls keep those rolls until the bitter end -- they just get smaller proportionately with the rest of the body as weight is lost from everywhere. So I am not going to freak out about that too much.

            I AM going to freak out about my hip rolls , because they stick out now even worse than they did... For those of you scratching your heads, I've got a deep fold where my leg meets my torso, and then another deep fold about two inches north of that from where my belly hooks on. What lies between is basically a puffy 2-inch-tall horizontal stripe ventral to my hipbones. If you do a google image search for "hipster panties", that's basically what is going on, only it's a fat roll. Wtf, yo.

            So anyway, that stupid thing is even more prominent right now, and I keep thinking to myself "Oh fuck, women always have a layer of fat on their hips, THIS THING IS NEVER GOING TO GO AWAY AND I'M GOING TO HAVE THIS WEIRD FUCKING FAT ROLL FOR THE REST OF MY LIIIIIIIIIFE" And then I throw myself on the floor and have a huge fucking temper tantrum until I'm too worn out to eat dinner and then I cry myself to sleep. Good for weight loss, but reasonably poor as a life strategy. In any case, it has me really, really anxious, because I do not want this thing, and I especially don't want it sticking out even worse.

            Anyway, I will say that, overall, I look like someone who is a little less than 50% through losing a lot of weight. Which is good, because that's right where I am. And I look like someone who has lost that weight from everywhere at once. Which is pretty much what I expected. I have NOT lost my waist-hip ratio AND I AM NOT GOING TO, so that's nice. I'm not thin yet, but I look much more like a thin person with an awkward layer of fat laying on top of everything. It basically all looks deflated and like it doesn't belong there now, whereas before my body looked basically firm-yet-yielding, pleasantly rounded, and plump like a ripe peach. Visually, at least naked, I'm not sure I like this better. But, I think, just like with hair length, 'in-between' is the least flattering stage. And I have no intention of stopping, anyway. So I'll just hope that everything looks okay when I get to where I'm going.

            I'll admit that I am cringing about having long, deep stretch marks over what seems like every square inch of my body, but I can't do anything about that. And it's not worth regretting getting them in the first place, because there is nothing I could have done then. I simply didn't know then what I know now. Unfortunately, the stretch marks are probably always going to be super duper noticeable. I mean, they're all completely faded, but they still look like scars from a vicious, full-body tiger attack. Oh well. I never had any illustrious notion that I was going to be some kind of hot, flawless bikini babe. I just want a body that functions correctly for once in my life.

            That being said, if my breasts decide to get with the fucking program and perk up a little, I ain't gonna complain. (DO YOU HEAR ME, DAMN YOU?? Perk up, you emo bastards!!)
            Last edited by Gravyboat; 07-14-2012, 01:53 PM.

            _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

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            • As a guy, all I got from that was that I am being deprived of nudey pics. Seriously, though, you're gonna look great when you get where you're going. If you have a hard time with guys now...well, you get the point.

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              • Originally posted by WaylandC View Post
                If you have a hard time with guys now...well, you get the point.
                I know, that part sucks. Maybe if I flash them my stretch marks or loose skin or something they'll leave me alone.

                "I USED TO BE 300LBS, SUCKER!!" *jiggle jiggle*

                _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

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                • Originally posted by Gravyboat View Post
                  "I USED TO BE 300LBS, SUCKER!!" *jiggle jiggle*
                  Bodies tell stories. However, they can be very unreliable narrators. I'm skinny fat or whatever the body-hating slang de jour would like to label me, but I'm model tall. I'm covered in silvery stretch mark scars: breasts, hips, stomach. Breasts = pill. Hips = puberty. Stomach = pregnancy. I'm also covered in silvery scars: arms, legs, face, neck. These are more specific, but can be grouped into: illness, misadventure, misfortune and death wish. That said, only I know which relates to what; others frequently misconstrue the narrative.
                  Which is an arsey way of saying, no matter where you start or how you get there all lives leave those silvery marks. It'd be an ignorant person who assumed they knew the story of your - I'm hunting for the word - I guess 'skin' will do.
                  I like badgers, books and booze, more or less in that order.

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                  • Omg I had a good day.

                    Got to see my dad for the first time in a couple months. As soon as I hopped in his car, he was like "Oh my god, you are like dramatically skinnier than the last time I saw you!" Then we drove out to the country, and I got out of the car, and he looked at me and said "Damn. You've got a nice waistline there, kid." Aww. So then we went for a hike, and it was awesome. Only about 3 miles, but in the woods and very hilly and so I was out of breath a lot. It didn't kill me, though, and I felt good afterward rather than dead and miserable. But the humidity, ughhhhhh. My sweat wasn't evaporating at all. That part sucked.

                    Then we went to a store and he bought me a new pair of pants and two shorts! And here's the big news:

                    I WEAR A SIZE 16 PANTS NOW!!! I can officially shop in any clothing store now and will be able to fit into the clothes!!! I'm super excited, this is a big milestone!

                    Other big milestones coming up: At 210, I'll officially be at my lowest adult weight, and at 200 I'll be at the 100lbs-lost-from-my-highest-weight point.

                    After that, we went to the Earth Fare and I got grassfed beef, sunflower butter, more grassfed butter, Diet Virgil's black cherry soda, and some other stuff. That place is so expensive, but I like it.

                    Then we got burgers!!!!!!!!!! I'd been looking forward to those burgers for over a week and I was not disappointed. Got mine wrapped in lettuce and didn't get fries, though I got 1 onion ring. I figure I got a lot of exercise today so it's fine. Feeling kind of crappy and run down now, but that could just as easily be because I had a full day.

                    So anyway, yay! Awesome fun times with my dad and a new milestone hit! I'm pretty beat, but I know I'll sleep well tonight.

                    _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

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                    • Also, here is a pic as of today, at 215.



                      Compare to how I looked at 260.

                      Last edited by Gravyboat; 07-16-2012, 05:52 PM.

                      _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

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                      • looking good :-)
                        I like badgers, books and booze, more or less in that order.

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                        • Gravyboat, you are friggin' gorgeous!

                          You remind me right now of a dark-haired Adelle (hope that isn't an insult to you - I find her fascinating)! You better slowly get yourself ready for the man-onslaught, 'cause when you arrive at where you are going, you are going to be irresistable!

                          I am sooo jealous of the lips - I have these thin things that lipsticks get insulted by when they see where they are going to be applied... oh, to have some plump to my pout...

                          The pics are cool. It is neat to be able to put face to forum presence! And yes, your Pop is right - you can def see the difference already!
                          I have a mantra that I have spouted for years... "If I eat right, I feel right. If I feel right, I exercise right. If I exercise right, I think right. If I think right, I eat right..." Phil-SC

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                          • Originally posted by Crabbcakes View Post
                            You better slowly get yourself ready for the man-onslaught, 'cause when you arrive at where you are going, you are going to be irresistable!
                            +1!

                            Although, I would say the onslaught has already begun

                            Gravyboat, you're transformation is nothing short of amazing! I'm sure the attention you're getting is gratifying, but I bet how much better you feel is even more important.

                            Well done!

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                            • Lookin' good lady. Your face really stands out now. Keep doing your thing.

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                              • Aww, Сrabbcakes. <3

                                I wish I were Adelle. I have a very good singing voice too, but I'm jealous of her tone. It has such an interesting hoarse, ragged edge to it, whereas my voice is clear like a bell. Super boring, imo.

                                The man-onslaught is already here. I am so worried about losing more weight. The last thing I want is more aggressive/constant attention. It sorta sucked feeling invisible before, but now I've seen what it's like on the other side, and frankly I miss invisibility. I would go back if I could, but I still want to lose weight for myself, so I know it is only going to get worse.

                                At least I know that I truly am only losing weight for myself, because I would still want to do it if I lived on a deserted island, and the social "punishment" (in the form of increased attention, which I mostly find uncomfortable, creepy, and extremely perplexing) is seriously outweighing any possible social benefit in my mind (I can't even think of a social benefit off the top of my head). Yet I press onward.

                                _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

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