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Gravyboat's Log, Stardate 59575.1

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  • Wow.

    Talk about perspective changing things. I had no idea how far you have come. You are doing fantastic! And, I see where you are coming from with your therapist. She must be ecstatic over the changes in you, just through diet.

    Makes me realize how lucky I am, too. I have been having what I considered a 'bad patch'. Need to go smack myself and enjoy life.

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    • She did seem very excited (and probably surprised) that I am doing as well as I am. She remarked that she remembered essentially begging me even just to eat once a day. Because, at one point, even that was beyond my ability. Now I'm eating multiple home-cooked, from-scratch meals every day. I've been sleeping on a schedule nearly every night for the last almost 6 months, so getting up in the morning and sleeping at night, which was previously impossible for me to maintain for more than a few days at a time. I've been able to leave the house with generally no more than a twinge of anxiety (though it is still hard to motivate myself to get dressed and ready to go sometimes; I still end up dragging my feet when it comes to taking showers). And I never go days without food because I'm too anxious to go out to get more. If I need an ingredient, I throw on clothes, walk to the store, and buy it. I might groan and complain about it, but I do it.

      So, the stuff I can do now is still below the level of what normal people can do, but it WORLDS AWAY from where I was before. I used to just know and expect that I would get dangerously close to suicide a couple times a year. Like, on-my-way-to-fill-the-tub-to-drown-myself close. The-only-thing-keeping-me-from-walking-to-the-garage-right-now-is-gravity close. Now, for the first time, I don't see that in my future anymore. Things are going up, and are going to keep going up. That is new and wonderful. So I know I still sound pretty lame sometimes, but oh my gosh, it is hard to explain how much better I am now than I was before.

      Primal Blueprint: saving lives!

      _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

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      • Gravyboat, it's so amazing what a relief it is to have someone recognize just how bad things are sometimes, isn't it? I know when I had my big crash, having my therapist recognize that just feeding myself and going out of the house was a big achievement made me feel so much better. I felt like a useless lump, and you know how much it helps your recovery when all you think about yourself is hateful things. Having someone tell me I wasn't a failure, just a really depressed person trying to survive--I couldn't believe how helpful it was to have someone else see that and say it out loud so that I could start seeing it in myself and give myself some compassion.

        I know we don't have exactly the same issues, but I know at least a little bit of what it's like to have been in that place and start to surface. So glad you are doing better.
        “If I didn't define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive.” --Audre Lorde

        Owly's Journal

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        • Owly: That's it exactly. Having that validation and acceptance in your darkest hour is the absolute best thing you can receive at that point. Having someone tell me I wasn't just lazy and unmotivated was like being told I'd just won the lottery. The immense feeling of relief, gratitude, excitement (that someone actually understands you for once), and overwhelmed weepiness.. it's the exact same.

          _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

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          • 218 today. Only ate one meal yesterday because I wasn't hungry for dinner. It was just tooooo hot out, and tooooo humid.

            Took 5 drops of iodine before bed and peed sediment again today. Have been eating 2-3 brazil nuts a day for selenium. It seems that not eating much + iodine + selenium - other supplements = peeing out bromide. I noticed this happening a week or so ago (when I stopped taking all supplements and wasn't eating much), and it was nice because after several days of peeing dusky pale yellow, my body smell was different. And by different, I mean better. I still have pretty pungent BO issues, which I think has to do with my body being a giant bag of bromide. I had to stop using olive leaf extract as deodorant, because it was staining my shirts green. And I still try to avoid using conventional antiperspirant, though I use it on super-hot days I am going to be wearing a sleeveless shirt in close proximity to other people. It's a courtesy thing. But most days, I don't put anything under my arms, and there is some definite stank. Hopefully I can excrete more of this crap so I don't stink so bad.

            I didn't go farm today or yesterday. Yesterday because I slept until 9 and it was hotter than hell, and today because I woke up at 6:30 but saw a giant storm front heading in on weather radar. Since I have to walk, and this is an outdoor thing that has to do with dirt, I figured it would be prudent to not go.

            Of course, now it looks like we're barely going to get anything, because the storm front is disintegrating just as it's getting to us. That's always how it goes.

            I will still try to get out today (saturday), and I think I'm going to the flea on sunday. And I'll still go to therapy on monday. So hopefully that will still count for something, even if I didn't go volunteer.

            And now BRB MY STOMACH IS CAVING IN, NEED BACON AND EGGS

            _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

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            • Gravy, I am so glad you found the Primal Blueprint. It has saved my life too.
              Primal since 9/24/2010
              "Our greatest foes, and whom we must chiefly combat, are within." Miguel de Cervantes

              Created by MyFitnessPal.com - Free Weight Loss Tools
              MFP username: MDAPebbles67

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              • So I went to the store today and bought some green plastic army men, a tiny plastic treasure chest, and a plastic dwarf mini for $1 total. I'm pleased. Of course, I am so poor right now that I bought them using laundry quarters, but that is beside the point. And anyway, tomorrow is $~payday~$.

                _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

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                • UGH. I made poor choices today. I went out for breakfast because I was out of food and just got paid. It was a celebration breakfast. So, what did I have? Well I ordered bacon and eggs, which came with hashbrowns. Potatoes aren't great but they're not horrible, I thought to myself, so that should be fine. Ugh. The bacon was the most piss-poor, cardboard-tasting crap I've ever had, and the eggs tasted powdered. The hashbrowns were basically shredded cardboard soaked in corn oil. Disgusting.

                  So, in a moment of shining brilliance, I decided to set aside this cruel mockery of food and instead have coffee and cake for breakfast.

                  COFFEE AND CAKE. Now I'm paying the price.

                  My stomach hurts so bad, you guys. So bad I kind of want to curl up in a fetal position and wail. So bad I was having trouble concentrating on conversations at the flea market today and had to work to keep a smile on my face. Also, my back aches, and my voice seems raspy. I can't make hard tones, like my vocal cords are swollen or something. Now I'm experiencing some chest pain over my left breast. The same kind of weird, unexplained internal pains I used to feel pretty often. And, as I lay here on the couch, I feel like I'm developing a headache as well.

                  This is horrible. If I ever feel like eating wheat or milk again, especially in the SAME MEAL, I hope I stab myself in the face instead. It'd probably be less painful. How the hell did I used to eat this shit?? No wonder I felt so fucking miserable all the time!

                  _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

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                  • Kind of seriously considering going to the urgent care. It currently hurts to breathe and my head really hurts. My vision is also a little blurry.

                    _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

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                    • Yikes! Hoping you're okay.
                      “If I didn't define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive.” --Audre Lorde

                      Owly's Journal

                      Comment


                      • Chest pain is mostly gone, but headache remains, vision is still blurry, and I feel very tired. My tongue felt swollen for a little while, but I think it's fine now. Crisis averted, probably.

                        So anyway, I initially had chest pain about half an hour after eating the cake, but it went away pretty quickly so I didn't think much of it. I figured it was some kind of heart thing after eating so much sugar (what with the frosting). My friend turned on a song with thumping bass and I felt like I was having a heart attack. That was unpleasant. After the chest pain went away, I just had crampy stomach pain that increased in severity. Then, after 6 hours, the chest pain suddenly came back even worse. Apparently that's an anaphylaxis thing, which would suggest an allergy.

                        I don't know exactly what I experienced or why, but right now I'm going with: wheat allergy. I mean, I obviously had a reaction to the wheat (in addition to the stomach pain caused by the cream, which I knew was coming as soon as I decided to have some), and the wheat reaction seemed a lot more like an allergic reaction than a digestive intolerance.

                        So there you go: wheat allergy, lactose intolerance.

                        Now all I have to do is develop a reaction to peanuts and shellfish and I'll be the poster child of the new era.

                        _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

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                        • Actually, come to think of it, I have had periods during primal where I've had headaches for several days in a row, and then suddenly I'm fine again. The headaches tend to happen at night/before bed. I haven't been able to figure out why they keep happening, because I have always associated headaches with dehydration, and drinking plenty of water has not helped.

                          The last time I had several days of headaches was last week. The same days I was eating peanut butter. Which I tend to eat in curry form, for dinner, for ~4 days in a row. And then I get headaches as I'm winding down for bed and wonder why.

                          Apparently peanuts give lots of people headaches. It's an allergic reaction. I had no idea! So I might be allergic to peanuts after all.

                          NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

                          _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

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                          • Peanuts give me a stomach ache if I eat too many. I think a lot of people are sensitive to them even if they're not full-on allergic.
                            “If I didn't define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive.” --Audre Lorde

                            Owly's Journal

                            Comment


                            • Yeah, I think peanuts are just bad news in general. I thought I was safe, but if it turns out they really are causing my headaches, then I guess I'll have to stop eating peanut butter. I mean, if it was just mild headaches, I might just ignore it, but these are terrible. They feel like my head's in a vise. I don't take painkillers unless I really, really need them, and I need them for these.

                              I'm gonna be honest, I have always kind of looked down on people with all sorts of food allergies and intolerances. Like, it has always seemed like just some kind of snobby upper-crust white kid thing to have 8 billion allergies and nitpick every last thing you eat. So I kind of really don't want to be one of those, though I guess I technically already became one when I went primal. Still, at least then it was elective, and I was choosing to limit my food options, and could choose to eat crap if I wanted to. Now I know that if I eat wheat again, I will long for death. And I am fairly certain that peanuts cause me to have terrible headaches. And I already knew that milk (and some cheese) makes my stomach ache like I got punched in the gut. So now I have to be vigilant about that shit. Now I have to be a snobby, privileged, upper-crust white kid just so I won't feel like absolute crap. But I do not want to come off to people as a tremendous prissy princess. And I don't want to look like I'm claiming food allergies just because it's the "cool" thing to do. I just don't want to long for death.

                              Thankfully, I know I can eat a little wheat without feeling too miserable. For instance, I've eaten breaded chicken and felt ok afterward. Not great, but I didn't have a medical emergency either. So at least I don't have to be worried about tiny crumbs or anything. I'd want to punch myself in the face if I ever had to send things back in restaurants because they touched wheat. At that point, it mostly looks like "bad juju" melodramatic superstition, although I'm sure it's necessary for some people. Still, I would not be able to live with myself, personally.

                              _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

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                              • Huh, I just noticed my nose is clogged up just like it always used to be. And this after noticing (and savoring) several times in the past few weeks just how clear my sinuses were for the first time in memory.

                                Goddamn wheat. Fuck that stuff.

                                _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

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