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  • I like the idea he surrender them for a time. After he gets them back or earns them back the second infraction is that they go away and can be replaced with undershirts if he feels like he needs a shirt under a shirt. Depending on there brother what if there was a family court? You would need to lay down parameters. The rule was broken, a consequence must happen. Perhaps they can think and provide a suitable consequence for their brother? Still thinking,,
    Karin


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    • Originally posted by RMS123 View Post
      Oldest.
      Well if you can not trust him with something so simple as a tank top, how can you trust him with a drivers license etc? He needs to think about this one. He is setting himself up to much censoring because of his choices... Violating trust leads to lack of privileges others his age can enjoy.
      Karin


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      • That's what I'm going to explain to him, when we are both rational. If I can't trust him on the small things, how can I trust him on the bigger things?

        One thing the Beyond Consequences book has me thinking about is that a lot of my reactions to him (specifically) are the results of my own issues that his behaviors bring up. In order to effectively (and really, fairly) work with him, I'm needing to try and work through my own issues. Pretty sure I'm going to need to see a therapist myself
        -- Ruth

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        • Another question, was there a consequence at school?
          Karin


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          • No. And, I'm going to tell you, that makes it so hard to enforce. Frankly, if it's in the handbook, then they need to enforce it. If they aren't going to enforce it, then it should be out. [Sorry to rant. I know teachers have about 20 gazillion things to deal with, and it's not the dress code. But, it's really hard to support the school if they aren't going to help me here....]
            -- Ruth

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            • I totally get it. I was also thinking of a double Jeopardy issue, but since there was no consequence at school, you need to address the trust/lying issue. You could also tell him, HE needs to come up with a way to make this right with you. Give him a due date.
              Karin


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              • As a belated bday gift, I ordered this for me: Amazon.com: Instant Pot IP-DUO60 7-in-1 Programmable Pressure Cooker with Stainless Steel Cooking Pot and Exterior, 6-Quart/1000-watt, Latest 3rd Generation Technology: Kitchen & Dining. It will replace my small crock pot (well, probably in addition...I keep my pots all pretty busy) and my stove top pressure cooker. I'm excited...although I hated spending the money. However, in my crazy life, I think it will be well worth it.
                -- Ruth

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                • You will have to share your adventures!!
                  Karin


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                  • Well. Here is the thing. Given it it the oldest I might consider a straight forward conversation. First I would want to know what is the deal with the tank tops in the first place. They are not in fashion as far as I can tell so is he trying to be defiant, is he trying to emulate some kids at school, or is he just sweaty hot. Found out why then help him to come up with a solution that doesn't break the rules and let the school enforce their own rules he gets caught he pays their price. Second. He needs to understand the whole issue of trust. Essentially the consequence here is that now you can't trust him which leads to all sorts of tightening of privileges until he earns the trust back by doing what he is supposed to and not lying when he doesn't.
                    Chris
                    "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It is about learning to dance in the rain."
                    Unknown

                    My journal: http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread36279.html

                    My "Program": doing my version of a 4:3 - 3 day fast diet with real food every day, with a little twist of anti-inflammatory mixed in.

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                    • Originally posted by demuralist View Post
                      so, what do you do with the boys when you travel? and when can you have alcohol back in the house (it might require a visit to a local bar with a taxi ride home-or you and DH can take turns being the designated driver)? And what will your boys be up to all summer anyway?

                      and oops I just realized this was in Karin's journal, feel free to answer in your own journal, I will catch it there
                      Truthfully, I do not know if I will be able to travel, but I'm trying to be optimistic. At this point, everyone struggles on the nights I'm gone...2 or 3 days, I'm not sure. It isn't that they are all more bonded to me (they aren't), but I provide: (i) the food [cooking for 6 is not easy, and DH is not natural cook]; (ii) the "regulated" balance (usually......); and (iii) the organization. And, of course, we're all still bonding. Sometimes I get the sense that my youngest especially, but other two as well, are worried we're not coming home. With their background, even if they logically know this not to be the case, their emotional part (especially when they are tired and/or hungry) starts to over sometimes. DH is going on a week-long trip in May. We'll see how it goes after that.

                      As far as alcohol, not until the adoption is final. We rarely drink when out -- we actually don't drink that much and I'm too cheap. Also, we haven't been on a real date -- there are not many people we can trust to watch all 3 boys - at the same time - so we can do an evening out. I'm hoping to convince my mom to do so when the summer hits (and we don't have to worry about track meets, homework, etc.).

                      I'm actually worried about the summer. Oldest won one of the county jobs in the lottery, but this assumes he passes all of his class this semester. Middle guy was sad that he did not get one of the lottery spots. He's thinking he'll help around the house (he's hoping for jobs for hire), workout, etc. We're signing him up for driving school. Youngest guy is too young for a job. He's the one who needs A LOT of activity. Probably a camp or two. Not sure how I'll keep him occupied. Not sure how I'm going to work and have 2 of them hanging around the house!
                      -- Ruth

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                      • What if they had a push mower where they could walk the neighborhood looking for work. It's common out here for this age.

                        YMCA has camps you might check in to for the younger one. Out here we also have parks and rec where you can sign the kids up for all kinds of things: swimming, art, first aid, etc.
                        Karin


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                        • Originally posted by RMS123 View Post
                          Truthfully, I do not know if I will be able to travel, but I'm trying to be optimistic. At this point, everyone struggles on the nights I'm gone...2 or 3 days, I'm not sure. It isn't that they are all more bonded to me (they aren't), but I provide: (i) the food [cooking for 6 is not easy, and DH is not natural cook]; (ii) the "regulated" balance (usually......); and (iii) the organization. And, of course, we're all still bonding. Sometimes I get the sense that my youngest especially, but other two as well, are worried we're not coming home. With their background, even if they logically know this not to be the case, their emotional part (especially when they are tired and/or hungry) starts to over sometimes. DH is going on a week-long trip in May. We'll see how it goes after that.

                          As far as alcohol, not until the adoption is final. We rarely drink when out -- we actually don't drink that much and I'm too cheap. Also, we haven't been on a real date -- there are not many people we can trust to watch all 3 boys - at the same time - so we can do an evening out. I'm hoping to convince my mom to do so when the summer hits (and we don't have to worry about track meets, homework, etc.).

                          I'm actually worried about the summer. Oldest won one of the county jobs in the lottery, but this assumes he passes all of his class this semester. Middle guy was sad that he did not get one of the lottery spots. He's thinking he'll help around the house (he's hoping for jobs for hire), workout, etc. We're signing him up for driving school. Youngest guy is too young for a job. He's the one who needs A LOT of activity. Probably a camp or two. Not sure how I'll keep him occupied. Not sure how I'm going to work and have 2 of them hanging around the house!
                          I hope we can work this out though however, if not this summer then the next.. Provided I can get an administrator job local.. I will also be looking out of state depending on my scores. Each state has different requirements.
                          Karin


                          Created by MyFitnessPal.com - Free Calorie Counter

                          What am I doing? Depends on the day.

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                          • I think most church youth groups probably have camps or mission trips too
                            Chris
                            "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It is about learning to dance in the rain."
                            Unknown

                            My journal: http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread36279.html

                            My "Program": doing my version of a 4:3 - 3 day fast diet with real food every day, with a little twist of anti-inflammatory mixed in.

                            Comment


                            • By Sunday nights, I just want to drop. I love, love, love my boys (most of the time), but a full weekend of everyone, and cooking the whole time, leaves me tired. I did at least get some good sleep last night. I'm going to bed early again today.

                              Oh, yeah, my youngest wants to do a church camp this summer. I'm worried about whether or not he can handle it. We'll see as we get closer (because of the foster situation, he's never been able to do an overnight visit and I don't know how he'll do being gone an entire week).
                              -- Ruth

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                              • He will be great. My kids were actually mad at me for signing them up for church camp and ended up not wanting to leave when I picked them up. It is probably a great place to get him started on being away over night.

                                Eventually you are going to get a set of a few go to easy recipes that you will repeat over and over with minor flavor variations. It will get easier.
                                Chris
                                "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It is about learning to dance in the rain."
                                Unknown

                                My journal: http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread36279.html

                                My "Program": doing my version of a 4:3 - 3 day fast diet with real food every day, with a little twist of anti-inflammatory mixed in.

                                Comment

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