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Releasing my inner siren - ErinF

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  • #61
    Any relationship is about trust, including marriage. If you don't have trust, you have nothing. Also, there is not always someone right and someone wrong. It always takes two and it takes compromise. Free spirit or controlling, everyone must compromise to achieve any goal. I have found that if love is there, anything is possible, because love is always the answer. Lastly, it takes a lot of plain, old fashioned, HARD work. Lust is an emotion, but love is a decision, and you can decide to leave, or you can decide to stay. Years ago it occured to me that "if it is to be, it is up to me." I take full responsibility for my actions and when I do, combined with total honesty and trust, you can build or re-build any bridge to a successful relationship.

    If you want it, then you can make it happen.
    Let's get out there and make this a great day!

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    • #62
      I completely agree, I've been 100% honest with him about everything. I do want our relationship to work and our marriage to grow. We've been married 10 years, I don't want to just walk away from that.

      As far as compromise goes, I've been saying that exact thing to him since this whole thing started. He will not compromise with me, it's his way or nothing. That is where my anger comes from. Why should I be the only that has to make changes? I know you lose some independence when you get married, but what he's demanding just feels so unreasonable to me.

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      • #63
        I'm in a similar position to you. It looks like he's trying to get all the compromise on his side. If you did cosplay and had male friends before you met you shouldn't have to change. However, most male friends probably want to be more than friends.

        My marriage is ending afte 13 years married 16 together. I gave up many things I did before to keep her happy/unhappy and lost a part of who I was. I also feel the need to get down and nerdy. I play online and table too RPGs I've done it since i was a kid. I put it aside because my being out with friends made her suspicious. If you ever seen a bunch of dudes rping you have nothing to worry about. If you can't do the things you enjoy and he doesn't like it it may not work.

        Having kids makes it more difficult. I have 2 myself. Because of them we remain friendly and do some activities together. If you can do that it's great. You only have o deal with each other concerning them.

        Ending a marriage sucks but so does not living the way you'd like. If you try consuling make sure before you go IOU have an idea what you really want and be honest with yourself. Don't get pidgin holed because you feel you have to compromise.
        I find your lack of bacon disturbing.

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        • #64
          The problem is, I've been with him for 12 years, we started dating in high school and got married right after I graduated. I was only 19 at the time and I didn't really have any male friends because I was really shy and afraid of boys at that age. After we got married he asked me to get rid of one or two male friends that I had and I did it without really thinking about it. I've been watching cosplay/costuming stuff for a while, but never got into it until this year. It's my passion though, I do a lot of charity work through cosplay and giving it up is like giving up religion to me, it's that important to me.

          I never really knew who I was because of getting married so young. I never gave myself time to grow as an individual because I was so focused on growing my relationship with him. I wasn't always unhappy, but there was a part of me that I felt was missing for a long time. I was never really fulfilled with my life until I started doing my charity/cosplay stuff. Now, because of my emotional affair, the only way to get my marriage back is to quit cosplay. I feel if I do I'll go back to feeling unfulfilled and unhappy again. He doesn't trust me anymore, and it's understandable, but I don't think I can live my life by his rules. It's not that I don't want hobbies that he and I can enjoy together, it's that I want to be able to pursue hobbies of mine that he doesn't have an interest in. I shouldn't be limited to what he wants/likes just because of my one mistake that I am currently trying to remedy.

          I have an appointment with a marriage counselor on Friday. I hope she can help me figure out healthy boundaries and healthy control/independence for my marriage. If not then I will move forward with the divorce knowing I let a really great man go. I hate this.

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          • #65
            You might find some helpful support on the forums at altdotlife.com. You strike me as someone who might be described as "alternative" . I go by the same (or a similar) username there, though don't post much. There's a thread on divorce & marital issues.
            Depression Lies

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            • #66
              I'll look into it. I'm not sure what you mean by alternative, I'm guessing it means my husband wants a more traditional marriage and I don't?

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              • #67
                Does he have hobbies? Things he does alone? I've realized now that being married doesn't mean you have to do everything together. In fact I think it's healthy to have separate activities.

                Why he's jealous/ non supportive of your cosplay is not I think because of and emotional affair. Though wrong as that may be people don't seek those out because they are lacking a hobby. They seek them because they are 1 missing an emotional link with their partner 2 they think someone else has something more to give them or 3 the person they are with is not really who they want to be with.

                So perhaps both of you need to re examine that. Is he capable of giving you all you want? Are you willing to perhaps only get what you've gotten?

                This is not to say that is he or you are
                Bad people. I don't believe my ex is and she was in your position. Somewhere along the course of the relationship she changed. Her wants and needs did also She had no hobbies/friends and after I have up mine to supplicate her she decided she needed to move on.

                It's a difficult thing and I wish you the best. And I agree it would be easier I'd you didn't like or get along with him
                I find your lack of bacon disturbing.

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                • #68
                  Originally posted by ErinF View Post
                  I'll look into it. I'm not sure what you mean by alternative, I'm guessing it means my husband wants a more traditional marriage and I don't?
                  Hahah no no, I mean because you're into nerdy things & cosplay It's a compliment!
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                  • #69
                    Oh haha! Yeah with my emotional state I have no idea what's going on most of the time.

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