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Primal Journal of VeloCity.X - wheeling through the Mound City

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  • Wednesday, February 29, 2012

    B – Chorizo, egg, bell pepper, onion mix. And a small thing of blackberries. Chorizo kind of bothered my stomach.

    L – A bit of roasted cauliflower. Think I left that off the last couple of days. Chicken veggie soup, salad with chicken confit. Think I’m about out of the confit.

    D – Late after my appointment. Made some collard greens with bacon and garlic. Had some and saved a couple of dishes for lunches. Also had one container of the chili. Later on I snacked on some almonds while listening to the Underground Wellness Paleo Summit. Great presentation this evening, the one w/ the biology doc talking about the true science. Awesome.

    Did a body weight/circuit workout today. 3 rounds of 10 stations, 1 minute each. Offset pushups, One leg box squats, pullups, other leg squat, plank, squat w/ 40 lb dumbells in each hand, side plank, jack-knife pushups, other side plank, pilates sit ups. Tough. Plenty sweaty.

    Had my appointment this evening. Now not moving forward is becoming *my* issue. Seeing my own passivity in this.

    Came home and was supposed to clean and read, but instead I got the roast set up to go into the crock pot in the morning.

    Ok, going to actually do some of my reading and then go to sleep.
    Trying a journal. We'll see how long that lasts....

    http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread37152.html

    Comment


    • Well, I havenít written in here in a long long time. I think it was primarily because I think the journal had just started taking too much time. But anyway I had an experience tonight that I donít really have anyone to complain to, so I wanted to get it documented a bit here.

      Iíve been a bit down lately, several reasons. Went and saw a movie Ė Take this Waltz, which is basically a fictionalized version of my marriage. Amazing how similar so much of it was. So that got me reliving a lot of those feelings. That was a couple of weeks ago.

      But then this week the ex-to-be, her boyfriend, the kids, and another woman and her daughter all went on vacation together. Iíve been feeling a bit jealous and sad over that. She always planned the vacations and stuff, Iím not very good at that. Anyway, it looked like they had such a fun time. Also, I simply canít afford right now to take the kids on vacations like that.
      So, anyway, that was going on, and I watched something on TV about deciding to take someone off life support, and that got me thinking about my sister, as did going through a bunch of pictures of my sister with my parents. I think they are starting to feel their own mortality a bit, so my momís been making albums for us.

      And all that got me a bit down and mopey during the week. I ended up staying at home most of the time. Just kind of let things get to me. And of course I was also working on my divorce paperwork, which doesnít help things. But I need to get it done. If Iím going to get better, I need to get through this. I did go to a party at a friendís house last Sunday and another friend introduced me to her boyfriend by calling me the husband of my ex. Because the boyfriend has met my ex. So, itís technically true, and sheís not really my ex, but I donít want to be known as that.

      Wow am I disjointed and all over the place.

      Anyway, getting back on subject, Iíve been home, alone, mopey for the last several nights, and was set to do the same tonight. Then I saw something on Facebook that a woman that I know, or at least know on Facebook and would like to know better, was out. Actually out at the Naked Bike Ride, which I had heard something about but didnít know anyone who was doing it. So I responded to her post that I chose the wrong night to go stay in, she responded back that I should come out. And as Iíd said before that I really havenít started dating. That hasnít changed, and I still really donít feel ready. And this woman Ö well, sheís intriguing. Sheís probably way too Ďout thereí for me Ė way too big of a net presence for my taste. Facebook, blogging, twitter, etc. But I do like what she has to say most of the time, and sheís very pretty. And a big bike racer. So when she suggested I come out, even at almost 11 pm, I jumped at it.

      And I thought it was probably a good idea Ė maybe get me out of my funk. Hang out with a beautiful woman for a bit. But what I didnít know, and somehow doesnít seem to mention in her stuff, is that she must still be dating a guy I know. He was there too, and they sure seemed like a couple. And they ended up leaving less than Ĺ hour after I got there. I only hung out for a couple more minutes then came back home. I attempted to take control, do something active to get out of the house, and it ended up being a bit abortive. Oh well. does 30 to 45 minutes out count for anything?
      Trying a journal. We'll see how long that lasts....

      http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread37152.html

      Comment


      • Lonely and depressed. Rainy weekend has messed up my bike racing plans, not that I'm in good enough shape to really compete, but still was going to give it a try. Still races tomorrow and Monday, so hoping I'll still get a shot. And that getting out there might help me get out of this funk.

        It's been going on (well, on and off) since my last post.
        Trying a journal. We'll see how long that lasts....

        http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread37152.html

        Comment


        • I hope I can leave the house tomorrow.
          Trying a journal. We'll see how long that lasts....

          http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread37152.html

          Comment


          • 40 Things To Say Before You Die - Forbes

            I want to be able to tell someone (besides my family and kids) that I love them. And have them say it back to me.
            Trying a journal. We'll see how long that lasts....

            http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread37152.html

            Comment


            • Thursday, October 18, 2012

              It’s about 3am. Been up for half an hour or so. I think I hurt my shoulder. Aches and hurts if I move it wrong. One of the things keeping me up. Afraid it’s a rotator cuff problem, but will call the doctor tomorrow to try and set up an appointment. I did the Tough Mudder over the weekend and worked out on Tuesday, but can’t tie it to any specific point. Did do my elevator dips at one point yesterday. That may have been it. It started hurting during my counseling session and got progressively worse after that. I’m afraid it’s going to knock me out of exercising for a while, and that scares me.

              Brooke – This sucks. I hate it. I hate being in this position. I hate that we let this happen to our relationship. We screwed it up, as simple as that. We were both terrible at knowing what we wanted, realizing when we weren’t getting it, and knowing what to do about that. And finally it fell apart. It’s sad and it sucks, but that’s where it is. But I need to move on, and I need to heal, and I can’t do that with you telling me I am ‘part of your very soul’. We can’t be tied that close, we can’t be that dependent on each other. It’s too much. Too close. I feel like I’ve become your Dave Baum again. I cannot open myself up to anything else when our connection is so tight. It’s not letting me heal, it’s not letting me be sad or angry or hurt. It’s left me numb and my feelings muted. We’re too close and it has me stuck. And I’m here out of fear, out of comfort, out of routine. Out of not wanting to hurt you. Out of not wanting to be the bad guy and say ‘I know you want me as part of your soul, but I am taking that from you.’ But if I don’t, I can never move beyond where I am now. I am not free and I need to be free. It scares me, but it’s the only way I can become unstuck. I feel like you are my best and only real friend right now and I’ve got to get beyond that. I’m not looking to sever ties, and we obviously can’t with the children, but we can’t be each other’s go-to person and confidant. We can’t think in terms of ‘we’ and we can’t have these daily continual e-mail conversations. I’ve got to pull back.

              Cory – You are beautiful and you intrigue me. You are incredibly intelligent, creative, and expressive. And you put it all out there for the world to see. I would so like to get to know you better, but I need get my own life together first. Hell, you say you don’t date and I have no idea if you’d even be interested in me, but I want to take my shot. But I feel I have nothing to offer until my life is better put in order.
              Trying a journal. We'll see how long that lasts....

              http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread37152.html

              Comment

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