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Primal Journal of VeloCity.X - wheeling through the Mound City

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  • Friday, February 10, 2012
    Yes, they almost always seem short and quick lately.
    B – Skipped. Didn’t have anything ready so just did an IF
    L – Got the chicken cobb salad with bacon from St. Louis Bread Co. With an apple as a side. Did not seem like enough.
    D – Dinner before the show. Had the 8 oz sirloin w/ baked potato and a carrot broccoli medley. Was pretty good. Did have some of DD’s chicken tenders and helped clean up some dessert they didn’t eat. Mustn’t be wasteful…. Also had a couple handfuls of popcorn at the show.

    Was supposed to teach my spinning class today, but no one showed, so I ended up doing the Y circuit training instead. Got a good workout. Only 2 of the stations had weights that were far too light for me. One was like these squats to curls, so I ended up doing curls for a while after we were all done. Glad I got to do some strength work today after missing the last couple of days.

    Tonight ETB and I took our two kids and my sister’s twins to see Phineas and Ferb live. Dinner beforehand, then the show, then sleepover at my place. But my nephew has a cough and ended up throwing up and asking to go home. Don’t know if his dad is out or anything, so I called my mom and they ended up coming to pick him up. Poor guy. And my son was very upset that his cousin was leaving, so is now upstairs in my bed. I will join him soon.

    Tomorrow I think I have plans to go to Naughti Gras – an erotic art show with paintings/photos type art as well as burlesque, dancing, performing, etc. Went last year… Maybe make that 2 years ago and had a good time. Need to do some work on my outfit tomorrow. Thinking of wearing this black bowler hat I have, and getting like one of those tight white compression shirts football players wear, and a black vest. If I can find a vest… and of course the stache will be all waxed. I think I’m at the point I can more or less pull off the shirt, even if I’m not huge.

    Hopfully I will get a chance to run tomorrow too.

    My therapist called to give me the number of a counselor for ETB and I to go see together. I told her tonight that I thought we needed to, since we don’t seem to be making any progress as it is. She accepted it, but was kind of dismissive with an ironic ‘yeah, yeah, yeah….’ But we have no choice.
    Trying a journal. We'll see how long that lasts....


    • Saturday, February 11, 2012
      B – Ok, this was bad. Took all the kids to my parents and stopped to get donuts on the way. Was a treat we were supposed to do and still did despite my nephew leaving in the middle of the night. I had 2 donuts.
      L – Well, I did have a banana and a few – small handful – pretzels, but that was right before I went to run. Also cleaned up a chicken carcass, but that really wasn’t very much.
      D – Cooked a nice steak. Broiled. Quite yummy. Also had a bottle of Woodchuck cider and a can of Strongbow.
      S – I guess I’ll call it a snack. Had a shot of tequila and maybe 2 beers at Scott and Kelly’s then 1 beer at Naughti Gras. Not too bad considering….

      So I slept with the boy, since he was so upset with his cousin leaving. Had a terrible dream that my daughter had died. Was balling my eyes out, in the dream. Not when I woke up though. Got kids up and over to my parents. Already mentioned the donuts. Then did some shopping to get my costume ready for tonight.

      Took a little snooze when I got home then went for a run. A bit longer than last time and ran more of it. Very cold, but still in VFFs. Did ok, still feel like I’m running in molasses, though. Just feel so slow. Feel like I plodding along, don’t feel on top of things. Just feels like there is so much effort involved. But I’m sure it will get better.

      Came home and cooked my steak. Was yummy. Probably drank too much but really didn’t eat that much today. Then got ready for Naughti Gras, the ‘erotic art show’ at Koken Art Factory nearby. Was a good time. Saw some friends I haven’t seen in a while. Saw some erotic art, saw some burlesque acts. Fun time. Saw a gal do an aerial sash act, I’ve seen her several times. She sometimes goes by Indigo, can’t remember the other name she uses. Anyway, she’s got a great act. And beyond that…. She is Primal, or at least she was attending the Primal Living St. Louis MeetUp workouts in the park. Very sweet girl. When I brought my kids to the workout one time – when we had to carry something awkward and heavy, she carried my son around. Ha!! I said hi to her afterwards.

      Still have my handlebar moustache so decided to play it up. Wore a bowler hat that I have, got a white longsleeve compression shirt, a black vest, and grey pants. Rolled up the pants and wore my combat boots. Was a good outfit I think.

      Plenty of good looking gals there, but I wouldn’t know an opportunity if it bit me on the nose.

      Home, in bed now. Should go to sleep. Doing a workout at 2:30 tomorrow so I have some time to recover. Think I may try to make some bone broth/stock during the day. Out and it seems to be time for more. Need to make some more soup.

      Wonder if MDA will ever be up and running again. Good thing I started keeping my journal as a Word document.

      I’m lonely. Part of me really would have liked to have brought someone home.

      Trying a journal. We'll see how long that lasts....


      • Sunday, February 12, 2012

        B – Kinda skipped
        Brunch – more like it, at 11. Big. 2 fried eggs, probably 4 to 6 slices of bacon, 2 hamburger patties, and some almonds.
        Dinner – after that brunch, wasn’t hungry for most of the day, not surprisingly. But I made a bunch of kale chips, some roasted cauliflower, and a ton of Navratan Korma and Chicken Tikka Masala – using just store bought sauces. Ate quite a bit of that, but have a lot left for lunches. Need to get the packaged up. Ate over half the cauliflower (one whole head) and all of the kale chips. But have plenty of the Chicken and veggies left.

        Went to do a workout today w/ a meetup group, but I was the only one. Guess it was too cold. So I ended up doing a workout at home – got a tabata timer for my phone and did 2 rounds, rest a couple minutes, then another 2 rounds. Minute work phase, 20 second rest, 7 exercises per round. Pull ups, side plank, elevated feet pushups, squats, planks, lunges, and jack-knife push ups. Think it went well. Was at failure at the end of the minute each time.

        Other than that, I pretty much did nothing. Ran a couple of errands. Was supposed to make some bone broth but didn’t. Guess I’ll need to start that tomorrow night. Need to get (keep) the house cleaned up, but was lacking energy today.

        I guess that’s it. Wonder if MDA will ever get up and running again so I can post these.
        Trying a journal. We'll see how long that lasts....


        • Monday, February 13, 2012
          Yay, the forum is back up!

          B – Maybe a cup or so of greek yogurt with more honey than I intended. I got some honey that’s in a jar and it poured out very quickly. Also had a few blackberries and blueberries. Conventional, but they were on a good sale at the grocery store. I’m ready for some spring, so I got them.

          L – Left-over vegetable korma and chicken tikka masala and a small salad. Also had 2 clementines.

          D – Yeah, I shouldn’t do 3 hour dishes for dinner… Made braised short ribs. Yummy. But took a long time to cook. While waiting I had some swiss cheese and a clementine. Then had 2 of the short ribs, tons of fat left with them, and some of the carrots, parsnips, onions. I guess that was it. Oh, a bowl of salad after. Would be a good dish to make for a dinner party or date or something, but would need to skim some of the fat off for most other folks. And probably cut some of the fat off the ribs after browning.

          Went to the Y and did the circuit training class. Good class, same stations as last Friday. I seem to have a lot of problems doing the crunches right. I have problems getting my shoulder blades off the ground. Dale thinks part is balance, rest is weak upper abs. Not quite sure how to strengthen them, though. Was more tired than I expected, and a bit sore once I got into it. Thought I was doing fine from yeserday's workout, but once I got into it today, realized it was a bit harder than I thought.

          While doing the cooking, I pretty much just puttered around downstairs. Should have cleaned more, but didn’t. Oh, but I did get the printer set up, so that’s something. And I got a crock pot full of bone broth going. Reminds me, I need to go back downstairs and change the setting on the crockpot. The carcasses were frozen so I started them out on a high setting and then planning on turning down to low/10 hour before bed. Will re-set it in the morning. But since I’ve got a meeting and then the MeetUp WOD, I think I may need to run back right after work to set it again.

          Was hoping to go to bed at a normal time, but ended up watching episode 6 of Downton Abbey, which was 2 hours. Great show, though.

          Ok, I think that’s it, so I’m going to go set the crock pot and go to bed.
          Trying a journal. We'll see how long that lasts....


          • Tuesday, February 14, 2012

            Happy Valentine’s day! Wouldn’t know it from me, though…

            B – Probably a cup or so of greek yogurt with two tablespoons or so of honey. Also a handful of blackberries and blueberries.

            L – Another container of the chicken tikka masala and navarattan korma. Yummy still. Also had a container of salad. Mixed greens with spinach with Newman’s Own olive oil vinaigrette. I need to just make my own salad dressing.

            D – Late I had some more of the short ribs. 2 ribs with the veggies. And a lot of fat. I wonder if I ate too late and it might upset my stomach. I think I did have some upsettedness last night and had a tums at some point in the night. Also had some of the braunschweiger I picked up at Local Harvest.

            Taught my spinning class today. Got in some work, some HIIT. Then later on in the evening I did the MeetUp WOD. Tough one. Did a bunch of wall ball, pull ups, push ups, squats, box jumps, rowing, etc. Pooped. Good thing I’m taking the day off tomorrow. Been 5 days in a row now.

            Also jarred up the bone broth I made. Had a bit over 24 hours in the slow cooker. Bones were just crumbling when I got it out. But I only got about 3 ¼ quarts of broth. With I think 6 chicken carcasses. Filled it with as much water as I could, but I ha d completely filled the slow cooker. Bet it’s going to be pretty concentrated. Can’t wait to make soup again.

            Called and talked to the counselor for ETB and I. Got some options for dates to meet, but going to talk to my counselor to see if there is any chance we can find someplace a bit closer. Just so difficult to get to…

            Bed time.
            Trying a journal. We'll see how long that lasts....



            • Wednesday, February 15, 2012

              B – Had to eat kind of quickly due to a meeting. Cup of Greek yogurt, 2 tablespoons of honey, and some blackberries and blueberries.

              L – Went to a lunch presentation with a free lunch. Of course there was basically nothing for me. I grabbed 2 of the sandwiches and at the meat and stuff from the middle. Also brought with me a banana, apple, and two clementines. Skipped out on the French bread from the sandwiches, chips, and the chocolate chip cookies.

              S – That little lunch just was not enough. I ate the lunch I brought when I got back to the office. Navaratan Korma and chicken tikka masala. Still yummy. Think I still have 2 days worth left.

              D – After I got home from my appointment I had a container of the left over short ribs. Also still yummy.

              Took the day off today. I did 5 days in a row, including 2 on Tuesday, so it was time. Did a little bit of the myofascial release massage on a large diameter foam roller thing. IT band definitely needed it.

              Should have done some cleaning up, but going to sleep instead.

              Had my therapist appointment this evening. Spent a lot of time talking about my sisters, and that was kind of tough. Didn’t talk about marriage stuff too much this time, though. I had a dream a few nights ago about my daughter having died, and a couple of weeks ago I had a dream where I was cleaning up a graveyard. So that’s two dreams in the past month or so where I was crying in the dream. That’s got to mean something.

              Ok, going to sleep.
              Trying a journal. We'll see how long that lasts....



              • Thursday, February 16, 2012

                Still not sleeping well. And up later than I intended ‘cause I needed to clean the house. Well, straighten the house. Cleaners coming tomorrow, so I had to be ready for them. Plus a friend is coming in for the Mardi Gras weekend so I need to get the bed done up for him. I’m not terribly excited about going, but he is. Party Friday night, we’ll go out for dinner as well, then drinking and debauchery on Saturday. Hope to keep my head about me though. Maybe even be in good enough shape to exercise on Sunday. Maybe even a bike ride?

                Speaking of I should really keep this brief and maybe get up early enough to ride to work tomorrow.

                B – Again with the yogurt and honey. Finished up with the yogurt though. Not sure what I’m going to do about tomorrow. Berries, banana, clementine.

                L – Still more chicken tikka masala and navratan korma. Still good, and not bored of them at all. Salad, apple, clementine. Now I usually eat my lunch at my desk while working. Typically I’m eating after I’ve gotten back from the YMCA, so work has picked back up again, and I’m actually doing stuff. That can make my lunches really spread out, like 2 or 3 hour spread out. Almost like grazing in that sense. I know much of MDA is against snacking, which I don’t really get, but I wonder how this fits in.

                D – Kids wanted burritos, I made burritos. Again I had mine on mixed greens. Was kind of bad this evening, though. Had a hunk of cheese beforehand, a few handfuls of chips while making the kids lunches, and a handful of the kids’ sweet breakfast cereal while I was getting stuff together for tomorrow morning. Oh, and a slice of the OMG incredible prosciutto I have and a small slice of the local sourced/made braunschweiger. How’s that for opposite ends of the spectrum? Mass produced chips and cereal vs. artisan sausage/meat curing. I can tell you which side won….

                Went to the Y and did my own thing today. 2 rounds, 1 minute each. 9 exercises. Push ups stepping back and forth across a step aerobic platform, box step ups (sort of like a single leg squat) one minute each side, pull ups, planks, squats with a 60 lb kettlebell, side planks, 1 minute each side, and jack knife pushups. After time was up each round I did a series of v-situps. I struggle with those for some reason. I’m glad I did it and I felt good. I wasn’t sure if I’d do ok given how hard the workouts were the last couple of days. Was feeling a bit sore this morning. But I feel good now.

                Ok. I’m going to call it quits now and try to sleep. Still before midnight, so that’s good.
                Trying a journal. We'll see how long that lasts....



                • Sunday, February 19, 2012

                  Got a few days to catch up on, so will try to get that done tonight.

                  First off, I’ve never posted the February composite, so will do that now.

                  Not much of a change this winter. More just holding steady. I actually didn’t start recording weight until this fall, so I’ve been pretty steady during that time. But I’ve been entering it into a spread sheet and it appears on average I’ve been losing about a pound a month. Slow and steady… Did I already journal about this? I think so. Anyway, I do feel fairly fit. I haven't seen a ton of improvement in strenght, but I do think it's coming, and I do think my love-handles are slowly going away. Would still like to have abs for just a little while, though.

                  Ok, time to set the wayback machine.
                  Friday, February 17th
                  B – Had the last – well maybe almost the last of the chicken tikka masala and navratan korma. But…. It was the birthday of a girl in the office and there were tons of treats. I kind of lost control and had some treats throughout the day. A donut and a couple of cookies, and a slice of king cake. Not good.

                  L – Last of the short ribs. After I ate a very fat-filled lunch I was pretty sated and did not eat bad stuff during the afternoon.

                  D – Mardi Gras weekend. We actually have a big one here in St. Louis. I went to a party some friends were having, and a friend came in from out of town. He and I went and had dinner at a steak place down the street from the party. Had a nice 10 oz strip sirloin, baked (white) potato with plenty of butter, and a small house salad with plenty of bacon. I did have 2 toasted ravioli that my friend ordered and one Jack and coke. They didn’t have my go-to middle of the road bourbon – Bulleit. Shame.
                  At the party I had one bourbon and coke, and one *huge* bourbon on the rocks. And I didn’t pour it, the bartender did! But it was spread out enough that I was feeling fine to drive home. Good to see some friends. A woman who I understand may have an interest in me left with her ex-husband. That was kind of strange.

                  Uh… oh yeah, taught my Spinning class on Friday. Had a couple of people there, but they had to leave a bit early, so I probably only did ½ hour. Got in a couple of good HIIT’s though.

                  Saturday, February 18, 2012
                  Big Mardi Gras day. Woke up fine from the party the night before. Friend was feeling a bit bad from a cold so he slept in.

                  B – We were taking a shuttle down and had 2 places to choose from to buy the tickets. One came w/ a breakfast, but it was only biscuits and gravy, so I steered us to the other place. So I made breakfast for me at home – a mess of bacon and 4 scrambled eggs. Knew it would be a long day. Then at the shuttle stop our ticket came w/ a hurricane – essentially red kool-aid with some (official liquor sponsor) Southern Comfort in it. Not good.

                  L – Down at the festivities and parade I basically had one huge overpriced beer, then at a co-workers house I had one more bottle of crappy American beer. Both times stuff made right down the street. Also had a small bowl of jambalaya (with rice) and some meatballs at my co-workers house.

                  D – Shuttle we took wrapped up way to early, so we got back early. Actually I was ok with that. My friend is much more into the event than I am. I had fun, and it was good to people watch, but I just wasn’t as into it. Also, the crowd was rather sedate. Weather was nice, but not super warm. Cold enough I decided against wearing my kilt. And there wasn’t a ton of craziness. Did not see much flashing at all. I know that’s what my friend was really there for. So anyway we got home, got on computers, and dozed for a bit, and then on to the real highlight of the night/visit for me, dinner at Scottish Arms, a local restaurant. Had some huge party there, so we had to wait for probably ½ hour just to get a seat at the bar, but it was worth it. I had Scotch eggs appetizer (hard boiled eggs wrapped in sausage then fried), duck leg confit, and a side of whiskey glazed neeps (rutabagas) and a Strongbow cider. And it was all awesome. The confit turned out much better than mine. Not as salty. Then again, theirs was a duck leg in duck fat, and mine was chicken thighs in a combination of lard and olive oil. But I definitely over-salted mine when I cured it. Or I cured it for too long. But I want to try again now. And the neeps were awesome. I must get the recipe for that. The meal was the highlight of my weekend.

                  Today (Sunday) I woke up. Felt fine. My friend left in the morning, so I ended up just lounging for most of the day. Watched the news shows, napped, etc.
                  B – Skipped.

                  L – Had the last of the artisan braunschweiger I got a bit ago, and some cheese, and a banana. Did cheat with a couple of pretzel rods, but I was getting ready to go workout, so I wanted something I knew would be easy on my stomach.

                  D – Eventually I broiled a few chuck steak medallions, and cooked up some collard greens with bacon and double garlic. So yummy. Wasn’t quite sure that would be enough so I sautéed up an onion in bacon grease. Also yummy. And I got a couple of lunches for this week out of it, too. Still a bit hungry later on so I nibbled on a few pork rinds, but so far have managed to stay away from non-paleo foods.

                  Did a ‘boot camp’ workout with a MeetUp Group today. Not the St. Louis Primal Living group, another one. It was pretty good and fairly primal, actually. Walked there and back, probably 1.5 miles round trip or so. We started by running probably about ½ mile through the park, but we were carrying concrete or plaster filled water bottles, and kicking a tennis ball along the way. Pretty fun, actually. Then there is this stretch of park benches where we would alternate between doing triceps dips and various pushups. Folks were usually doing the pushups inclined, with hands on the bench, but I alternated regular and decline – with feet on the bench. Then we did a series of squat jumps, and a bunch of lunges. Did a couple of sprints, step jumps, and step ups on a fairly tall concrete wall. Finished off by running back to the house kicking the tennis ball again. I felt like I got a good workout out of it.

                  Afterwards I was feeling pretty energetic so I went and picked up tree-trimming stuff from the old house and trimmed up the tree (and a bush) in my backyard. Tree looked like it had never been trimmed before and had some sizable branches that were way too low. I want the tree to expend energy growing taller, not wider. Plus a couple of branches were in or too close to the electrical service, so I had to get them trimmed out. After that I hung out, messed on the computer, made dinner, then started typing this update.

                  I guess that’s about it. I think I’ve written enough and don’t want to get into any of the other stuff tonight. I’ll do that some other time.
                  Trying a journal. We'll see how long that lasts....



                  • Monday, February 20, 2012

                    Ok, it’s obvious that I’m not sleeping enough. I’m sure it’s mental/emotional, but I wish I was sleeping more. Just having a hard time actually turning off the light and doing it.

                    B – Finished up the very last of the chicken tikka masala. This time it had the last of the roasted cauliflower too. Yummy. Also had a banana and 2 or 3 clementines.

                    L – Was out looking at a building at one of the VPs took us to lunch at a local brew-pub. Didn’t drink beer, but didn’t eat well either. Got their fish and chips, which was awesome, but regretted not finding something more primal. Could have gotten… I don’t know… maybe the crab cakes (not much better) with a side salad. And to make it worse I had a couple nibbles of left over king cake when I got back to the office. And an apple.

                    D – Kids had the day off and they spent the day playing with their cousins at my parents’ house. They had an awesome day. Which is so great. I’m glad they get along so well. And my niece and nephew seem to be doing so well. Granted it’s still so new and they are so young, but they do seem to be thriving. I can’t help but think of Anne when I look at them, though. My boy said something on the drive home that I really wanted to paste to FaceBook. Something like how he wanted to have a store called Logos which would be filled with logos and you could go there and pick out the right logo for you, and the sign would be a giant logo made up of other logos. It’s the sort of thing he says, and the sort of comment my sister would have absolutely loved. And I hate not having her here while I’m going through all of the rest of this. We didn’t always have the same world view, but she was always on my side.

                    Anyway, I was supposed to be talking about dinner. They all had spaghetti with meat sauce and garlic bread and a basic tossed salad. Pretty much everyone had finished by the time I got there so I cleaned up the salad and the meat sauce. Skipped the spaghetti and garlic bread. But I did have 3 or 4 of my mom’s brownies, because F you, they’re my mom’s brownies.

                    Had a clementine when I got home, too.

                    Since I was at the building taking measurements I didn’t get to go to the Y. Probably an ok thing as my legs seem a bit sore from the workout yesterday. And I think the gal is coming back that I’ve been subbing Tuesdays for, so no more Spinning Tuesdays. Need to think about what my schedule will be, especially since the Tuesday night races will be starting up again, and I hope to keep doing some of the MeetUp crossfit WOD’s too.

                    I think I had a revelation about why I seem to be having a hard time getting rid of the ‘stache, but I’m not sure I want to write about it here.

                    Editing to add that I did bike commute to work yesterday, which was nice. I'd like to do that more, but kids and meeting just seem to keep getting in the way. But with forecasts of gas hitting $5/gal this summer, I better start doing it more.
                    Last edited by VeloCity.X; 02-21-2012, 07:18 AM.
                    Trying a journal. We'll see how long that lasts....



                    • Tuesday, February 21, 2012
                      It’s late, so I’m going to try to be brief.

                      B – had some fruit. 2 or 3 clementines and a banana. Maybe an apple too.

                      L – Left over steak and collard greens, and an apple.

                      S – At the study session I had a handful of peanut M&Ms and 2 of the snack size Hershey’s chocolate bars.

                      D – Didn’t eat until late. Made a couple of hamburger patties. Also had a bit of cheese, and did do bad by eating some potato chips.

                      New session of Spinning has started so the gal is back doing the class I had been subbing, so I’m back to one day a week again. But her baby was sick today so I once again subbed for her. Got in some good work and some good sprints. HIIT. But I haven’t ridden outside in a long time and feel like I’m missing a lot of base. Not really planning on seriously racing this year it seems, but I would like to do some. But that requires much more riding than I’m doing now.

                      The study session this evening was pretty much a waste. I sure hope the others are better.

                      Afterwards I went to the grocery store to get some stuff. Luckily I had some cash as we are broke until the end of the month. I’m starting to get resentful about this. And this whole separated (and eventually divorced) thing is a huge financial hit for both of us. I don’t like that. But anyway, I got some stuff for immediately, like more greens and salad and milk, but also some chicken legs and really cheap pork chops. Things I can make a number of meals from. When I got home tonight I did a bunch of cooking. Cooked bacon in the oven and made a bunch of scrambled eggs to go with it. Breakfasts for the rest of the week. Also got stuff all done up for making soup tomorrow, as long as the stock melts enough. Cut up the veggies and seared the chicken thighs and stuff. Cut my fingers while cutting onions. Right along the cuticle so it bled a ton. And kind of hard to put the bandaid on with it bleeding like that. Oh well, doesn’t hurt much.

                      Also spiced and salted the chicken legs to cure for 24 hours in the refrigerator. Going to try a confit again, only this time with olive oil only. We’ll see how this one turns out. Soup will go in tomorrow until the end of the day and I guess the confit will cook on Thursday.

                      Beyond that, I saw an article on how grief gets treated like depression and is that a good idea or not. I printed that up to talk with my counselor about tomorrow. But it talked about putting people on medication after 2 weeks. I still feel depressed a lot, but it’s been more like a year for me. But I don’t feel like that’s completely unreasonable. My brother in law has been or at least was taking an anti-anxiety med for a while. He tried an anti-depressant one time and said it was awful. Had terrible dreams and images, death and violence and stuff. Sounds terrible. But I think the difference is that we are depressed for a reason. We are in grief, and should be going through a natural process instead of trying to make it go away chemically. And as I told my counselor, I welcome the feelings, especially since so many of my feelings seem so muted most of the time.

                      But I’d still like to be done with it…

                      Alright, I think I’m done now.
                      Trying a journal. We'll see how long that lasts....



                      • Wednesday, February 22, 2012

                        Ok, I’ve been polishing off a bottle of wine and I’m a tad tipsy. Listening to Mumford and Son’s The Cave. Probably going to listen to some other sad-ish songs as I go along. Had my counseling appointment this evening and in that sort of mood.

                        But despite all that…..

                        B – 3 slices bacon and 2 scrambled eggs. 1 or 2 clementines.

                        L – Last of the chuck steak and collard greens. Small mixed salad w/ Newman’s Own olive oil vinaigrette. Still need to make some of my own salad dressing. Making chicken leg confit tomorrow. Been curing for 24 hour so far, wiped off the salt and herbs this evening so things don’t get as salty as they did last time. So they’ll sit overnight then going in the crock pot for 10 hours with olive oil tomorrow morning. Will make some salad dressing with the olive oil, maybe tomorrow night.

                        D – When I got home and got the kids to bed I had some of my soup. Couple of bowls. Had been cooking all day. I came home over lunch after a presentation thing I needed to go to, so I could stir and reset the crock pot. Cooked for over 12 hours. Carrots, parsnips, celery, tons of onion, 4 chicken thighs, and 1.5 quarts of bone broth, 1 can of commercial chicken stock, and I guess close to a quart of water. Pretty yummy. Forgot to put the spinach in though, so I put it directly on top of the 5 lunch buckets I made up. It will wilt up some when I heat it back up, I’m sure.

                        So I had to go to a lunch presentation thing today so I didn’t get to the Y.
                        Now listening to Nickel Creek’s Out of the Woods. This was on a lullaby CD we would play for the kids. Think it’s just a beautiful song.

                        So today was pretty awful. We just can’t get this money thing figured out. How the hell are we supposed to be able to separate our accounts when we can’t even make a go of it combined. And she paid off the damn house. We’d be so screwed if we had both of the mortgages.

                        And it seems I have a lot of fear. Of course I knew that. I’ve got fear of going forward, really facing being on my own permanently. So that’s fear of going forward, fear that we’re making a mistake and that I haven’t tried hard enough to save our marriage. At the same time I’ve got fear in going back, that we really don’t have enough to make a marriage work. And that really sucks. She’s my best friend, still is. And it sucks that being best friends is not enough. And it sucks that we’ve put so much time and effort into this (well, maybe we put the effort into it. Now I think we did pretty poorly with the effort) so we put time and effort into it, and now we’re throwing it away. My counselor says I need to consider the investment, the learning and personal growth I’ve gotten out of it. I can’t help it, but that seems to ring hollow.

                        Avett Brothers I and Love and You. If that wasn’t a sad and downer song….

                        I’m going to mis-quote Joy Division here – The problem is that something so good just can’t function no more. God…. So I’ve had 2 or 3 dreams in the past month or so where in the dream I’ve just been bawling. Crying my eyes out. I feel like I need to do that, but can’t. I feel like I have just this grief and emotion building up, wanting to burst out, but it just can’t. I feel bottled up, emotionally constipated. Why can’t I release this? God do I want to.

                        3 words that became hard to say. I and Love and You.

                        I don’t know how I can even imagine that this is not set. What makes me say that, she saying that she’d go to counseling with me? When was that , months ago? 6 or 8 months I guess. But she’s sure not acting like that. He’s still there. I should be outraged. I should be outraged for my kids. But I’m not, and I can’t say why.

                        Beck – Lost Cause

                        I don’t think I should write anymore. I probably shouldn’t even post this. Kinda hope it goes unread. Probably too long and rambling for anyone to get into.
                        Trying a journal. We'll see how long that lasts....



                        • Thursday, February 23, 2012
                          B – 3 slices (or was it 2) of bacon and 2 or 3 scrambled eggs. Think it’s 3 bacon and 2 eggs. Made it a couple of days ago. Plus a banana and a clementine.

                          L – Small salad, some of the soup I made yesterday and a clementine or two.

                          D – Made these Trader Joe’s chicken skewer things. Like Chicken Satay. I think they called them chicken satay, but they weren’t quite. Boy wanted them, I think he ate 3, I had the rest. I got them as appetizers for my party but ended up not making them. He likes them ‘cause they have these knotted bamboo skewers that he thinks look like swords. So they are all in a bag waiting for him. Also made 1 bunch of kale chips and I sautéed 3 onions in some of the left over lard/olive oil mix from last time I made the confit. Yep, I ate 3 whole onions. Of course they reduced down a lot by cooking. Onions are plenty primal, right? Oh, had a tall can of strongbow too, and a few pork rinds.

                          So I spent most of the day at the seminary again measuring, so no chance to go to the Y. Will do a spinning class tomorrow, but that will be just 2 spins this whole week. No LHT, and not gonna happen this weekend either since I’ll have the kids.

                          Other than that… I cooked dinner, cleaned, kids took baths… I cooked my chicken leg confit today, and that seemed to go well, falling off the bone tender. Not as salty as last time. Think I may pull off parts to put into salads. Think that may be good. It took a ton of olive oil to do, though. Luckily I had grabbed a somewhat old can from the old place and knew it needed to be used. But I got over 3 quarts left from that. I guess I’ll use that to make salad dressing, sautéing potatoes and onions, etc. Maybe even make confit again…

                          I guess that’s all I have now. Think I’ve said most everything else over the last couple of days. Obviously still having issues. When I got back to the office I was listening to old sad songs. But still bottled up.
                          Trying a journal. We'll see how long that lasts....



                          • Sunday, February 26, 2012

                            Wow, I’ve got some to catch up on.
                            Friday, Feb 24, 20112

                            B – Last of the bacon and eggs I made earlier in the week. Plus some fruit I’m sure.

                            L – Soup and a small salad. Threw some of the confit on the salad. I think I need to try it with a shorter cooking time than ‘all day’. Meet got so soft it was almost mushy. And I bought leg quarters, or leg portions or something, and those included a lot of backs and ribs. The little vertebrae are so soft they can be eaten. Don’t really care for the texture of that, but that’s just me. Besides, that means most all the minerals have been leached out into the oil and stuff, right? But by putting the confit on the salad, it’s already got plenty of oil. Just need to throw some balsamic vinegar on and I’m good to go.

                            S – Had a couple of handfuls of popcorn and a beer during office happy hour at the end of the day.

                            D – What did I do for dinner Friday night?? Oh, of course. Fish fry. It is lent now… Been a tradition to go to fish fries during lent since before the kids were born. Went to one at a small Serbian orthodox church close to here. Place could have used twice the staff and they could have moved much quicker. Had the fried tilapia. Too long to wait for baked. Salad and green beans as sides. Did have a bit of the boy’s cat fish and my mom’s tilapia, which was huge, and nibbled on a few of my daughter’s fries. Oh, and did eat the cherry cobbler dessert. But that was supposed to be my ‘cheat’ meal. Should have known it wouldn’t be my only….

                            Went to the Y to do my spinning class, but no one showed. So I just did a cue sheet for a CD then left. I just wasn’t in the mood for it, especially not spinning alone. And unfortunately they moved the circuit training class that I would have done instead back an hour, so I couldn’t do that either.

                            Was still in a pretty bad mood obviously.

                            Saturday, February 25, 2012

                            B – Tried to sleep in a bit w/ the kids. That didn’t work. Made them pancakes, I had salad w/ confit on it. And a few slices of bacon. Bacon was all natural nitrate free, and the kids thought it was too salty.

                            L – Broke down and took the kids to McDonald’s between movie and swimming. I cleaned up a few of their fries. Well a good number actually. Probably a happy meal sized order or maybe a bit more than that. But that was it for lunch.

                            D – Daughter ended up having a sleep over w/ friends, so boy and I had a guy’s night out. Took him to a little pizza place that’s kind of like a small local owned (actually a small chain out of Iowa or somewhere) Showbiz or Chuck E Cheese type place. Used to go there when I was a kid. Had a few games with ticket and get cheap trinkets. We had fun. But they don’t do their buffet on the weekend so we split a small pizza and had some root beer. And then we went and got some frozen custard afterwards. It was a total South St. Louis evening for us. Not primal at all, but I was hanging with my boy so that was worth it.

                            Took the kids to see the new Studio Ghibli flim – Secret Life of Arrietta or something like that. Secret World, maybe. Anyway, another amazing movie for them. Backgrounds are just so lush. Amazing animation. Story was ok, I like that there’s not the mortal peril that seems to be in so many of the more recent Pixar or Disney movies. Both of them were freaking out at the end of Toy Story 3. There’s just not much call for that at their age.

                            Afterwards we went swimming at the Y. Indoor, cold day, seemed like a good idea. First time we’ve been in quite a while. They have a lazy river and a whirl pool. We had fun. Just enough time to go home and get rinsed off before dropping the daughter off at her sleepover.

                            I had tried to get someone to go to the movie w/ us. Friends with the kids, and I have some degree of interest in the mom, but it didn’t work out. I probably need to be more social. Will probably help me with this funk I’m in. Of course I know what I really need is to get things moving. Calling the therapist to set up the couples counseling tomorrow.

                            Ok, caught up to today now.
                            Sunday, February 26, 2012
                            B – Made a couple of scrambled eggs for both the boy and me. I had mine on salad w/ some more of the confit. Ended up eating most of his, too.

                            L – Had some Trader Joe’s pork dumpling things. Made for the kids, but they didn’t like them, so I ate them. Not the best, but they are out of the house now.

                            D – Cooked up a big batch of chili, yes with beans, but I wanted to get rid of the cans. Had a couple of bowls of that, and now still have 4 or 5 bowls for either lunches at work or in the evening. Also had a little bit of some roasted cauliflower I made this evening.

                            Did a workout with the MeetUp group this afternoon. A bit more running this time, still kicking the ball on the way down, but I was in regular trainers and my knee started to bother me a bit. Maybe need to start wearing the VFF’s for those, too. So we ran, kicking the ball, maybe a mile total for the day? Maybe a mile and a half. Did side runs, backwards runs, Austrian pull ups, lunges, and high steps. All while carrying water bottles filled with cement or plaster. Was a good workout and first one in several days, so felt good to get back into it somewhat.

                            ETB was at a Women’s Wellness Weekend through the Y, and came and got the kids just in time for me to go to the workout. Afterwards I went and got just a couple of groceries. I put the chili in the crock pot before the workout, but I didn’t have any bell peppers. Cut those up and sautéed a bit before throwing them in. The other 2 of the 4 pack I cut up and sautéed with a couple of onions. Also browned up some Mexican imported chorizo and mixed with the last of my eggs that I scrambled up. So that gave me 4 breakfasts for the week. Set on food already! And I’ve got a roast and some thin sliced marrow bones thawing in the fridge. Will use the marrow bones kind of like ox tail for the roast. Last time putting the roast on top of the ox tail made for some super flavorful roast and sauce. Hoping for the same this time.

                            Other than that I got the kitchen cleaned up and did just a tad around the house. Still lacking a bit of motivation. But it’s late and I want to go to bed, so I’m not going to dwell on that.
                            Last edited by VeloCity.X; 02-26-2012, 11:00 PM.
                            Trying a journal. We'll see how long that lasts....



                            • Monday, February 27, 2012

                              Well, it’s actually early Tuesday morning. Woke up early and couldn’t get back to sleep, so I ended up just getting up and getting my computer so I could do my update. MDA forum seems to be slow lately, or at least in the threads I’m subscribed to.

                              B – Had some of the chorizo, onion, bell pepper and scrambled eggs. Ended up bothering my stomach a bit, so I wonder if my GI track is a bit messed up from the last couple of weeks.

                              L – Some of my chicken veggie soup and a small salad with some of the chicken confit on it.

                              D – Had some left over taco meat for a while, heated that up and had it with some salad greens, a bit of cheese, and some salsa. That didn’t seem like quite enough so I had a small bowl of the chili, too. Oh, I also polished off the last 3 slices of the really expensive acorn-fed prosciutto I had. Still just so yummy.

                              S – I guess you’d call it a snack. Or a cheat, or a binge or whatever. Went out to meet my friends at the typical Monday night group. Had 2 Bulliet Bourbon on the rocks. When I got home I had a small bowl of Cheerios. Ugh. I’m thinking dinner might have been a little light.

                              Rode my bike to/from work and then rode to the bar at night as well. With the gas prices going up it was nice to let the car sit for a day.

                              Did the circuit training class at the Y. Pretty good work, especially after the workout on Sunday. My knee was bothering me a bit, though. Sunday I didn’t wear VFFs and therefore was heel striking when running. I think that made the difference.

                              Somebody set up a paleo/primal specific dating site and I got registered for it. But feeling a bit ambivalent about it. Didn’t call the couples counselor yesterday. Need to. No matter how much I complain, I’m still not doing much of anything myself and I need to.
                              Trying a journal. We'll see how long that lasts....



                              • Tuesday, February 28, 2012
                                Gonna try to keep it short tonight. Not even 10:30, want to do a bit of stuff after I’m done, so going to be quick.

                                B – More of the eggs, chorizo, onion, bell pepper. Seemed to sit a bit better this time. Also had a banana.

                                L – Some of my soup and some of the roasted cauliflower. Also had the last 2 clementines and an apple.

                                D – Brought dinner w/ me to the office since I had my training again tonight. Had some of the chili and a small side salad with the chicken confit.

                                S – Had a bit of chocolate – eggs and peanut M&Ms at the presentation, also had a gluten free beer w/ Alex after the grocery presentation thing.

                                Since I’m not teaching the spinning class on Tuesdays anymore I brought in my VFFs and did a little running. Did a series of warmup/form exercises first, from the video I had posted here some time ago. Jump off a step, squats with a weighted bar on collar bones or held overhead like in a press. Ended up running 2 miles. Did stop/walk a couple of times to do some more form exercises. Had a little bit of knee pain, think that was residual from running at the Sunday workout, and had a point where my plantar fascia (or something under my arch) was hurting. But that was for just a bit. Overall I felt pretty good, and I definitely did not push it. Will probably run again on Thursday.

                                Had my training for the CDT exam after work. Not nearly as bad as last time. Afterwards I met up with the MeetUp group for a tour through a couple of grocery stores Alex was hosting. Missed most of the first one, but it was still a good trip. Good time. Didn’t really meet any of the new folks, but that’s ok.

                                Didn’t call the counselor today. Must do that tomorrow. Also didn’t talk to ETB until the very end of the work day. She e-mailed, I think just because we hadn’t talked and she wanted to catch up some. This transition to best friends is still kind of weird.
                                Ok, that’s it. Reading other stuff and then bed.
                                Trying a journal. We'll see how long that lasts....