Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS

Collapse
X
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Yes, there is a brief update on Primal Coach Kitty -

    SHE TURNED LEFT!!! Just once, but she was only circling to the right before that. The vet is storming her with antibiotics and she seems to be feeling a little better. Benign Poltergeist apparently accompanied us to the vet and stayed there with Primal Coach Kitty because she is bitching incessantly in her cage.

    Other than that, we still have no idea what is wrong.
    JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

    Comment


    • A little progress is progress nonetheless. Still keeping all fingies and tootsies crossed for Kitty.
      I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.

      Oscar Wilde

      Comment


      • PART ONE: The soundtrack of my cubhood was of the Panda Parents arguing.

        Before I celebrated a double-digit birthday, I was praying that they would just go ahead and get a divorce already. On the drive to school one day, Mother Panda consulted a seven-year-old Young Gay Panda and one of the Perpetually Sticky Panda Siblings about which parent we would choose to live with were they to split. Thinking that Father Panda yelled less when my school sent notes home chastising me for forgetting my gym clothes, Young Gay Panda instantly said, “Daddy.”

        “Then I guess we have to stay together,” Mother Panda said grimly, and thus I was at fault for the continuation of their faltering marriage. There was nothing that they did not argue about incessantly and acrimoniously and without resolve, until the spiteful back-and-forth blurred together in my memory to static. Money was the biggest flash point. One Panda Parent ran a business and wanted the other parent to do the client billing to save on the cost of hiring it out. But the other Panda Parent was a procrastinator extraordinaire, and so this monthly task never got done. Tens of thousands of dollars were lost this way over my cubhood and the fights about doing the billing were exactly the same, over and over and over again.

        It went on for so long that an eleven-year-old Gay Panda announced that I would do the billing, just as soon as I finished my typing elective I had chosen for precisely that reason. I threw myself into the class, studiously looking away from the chart on the wall so that my fingers would learn to recognize the letters hidden under the blacked-out keys of my typewriter, and clack-clacked my way to proficiency. Young Gay Panda was a good student, punctual and diligent, and getting the bills done would be handled just like any other school assignment. I knew that I could not stop the fighting altogether, but on this one front, Young Gay Panda could bring it to a close.

        Just before I finished my elective, the Panda Parents moved the billing from handwritten logs and typewriters to a computer program. I demanded to be taught how to run it but was rebuffed; they barely knew how to do it themselves. And so the fighting went on just like before, one parent refusing to do the billing and the other parent refusing to hire it out, and the ensuing battles regularly stormed our home until I wanted to scream*. Around and around they went, accusations and recriminations and slammed doors and banged pots on the stove and then the dreaded Silence.

        If it wasn’t the billing causing the blow-out, it was the credit card debt, and I was given the daily chore by one Panda Parent of getting to the mail first for the express purpose of hiding any credit card offers before the other Panda Parent could get hold of them and sink us further into the hole**. We moved from house to house ever in quest of lower rent, here eight months, there two years, here one year, there six months, on and on from the Midwest to the West Coast. It is indeed possible to be the cub of two college-educated white-collar professionals with steady jobs and also live in a state of perilous financial instability. My attempt to build a college fund*** for myself was lost at age eleven when they decided to buy a house and needed more money for the down payment because one parent had messed up on the percent that they could pay, writing down 11% instead of 5%.

        They fought about incidents that had happened twenty years before when they were teenagers dating. They fought about how Father Panda bought Mother Panda a yellow camera case when she didn’t like the color yellow. They fought about their fading attraction for one another, one accusing the other of being gay. Yes, gay! Admit it! And they fought about the cubs. Neither of them found enjoyment in being parents yet continued to have cubs, and Gay Panda was the product of an unplanned (and deeply unwanted on one side) pregnancy. We were the arrows lobbed back and forth from their bows.

        On it went, from the day I was carried home as an infant until the day I fled it as a young adult. He’s fat and it’s your fault! Well, you’re making them into your foot soldiers! He doesn’t love you! Well, she’s afraid of you! We’re happy until you come home! Mother Panda enjoyed psychoanalyzing my first writings, and when I was nine, confronted Father Panda about how one of my stories had a missing father. This meant that I was not connected to him, that we were emotionally estranged, and how sad that was. The conversation degenerated from there****. Nothing was resolved, because that was not the point of their arguments, and as a fun fact, the sci-fi eBook I’ll be releasing next month also has missing fathers, as well as a psychopathic mother. Have at it, Mother Panda.
        Last edited by Gay Panda; 01-15-2012, 01:08 PM.
        JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

        Comment


        • UPDATE: (in explanation of *, **, ***, and ****)

          * Once I did. I was eight years old and trapped in the backseat of the family car in the parking lot at Target as they argued and argued and argued and argued and finally at the half hour mark I huffed loudly, rolled my eyes, and screamed, “STOP ARGUING, YOU SOUND LIKE CHILDREN!” It stopped the argument briefly so that they could yell at me, and then the arguing resumed.

          ** And this is why Gay Panda has never had a credit card, having a near phobia of them.

          *** My bankbook read $147.19, and I was enormously proud of this amount and enthralled at how interest accrued. It was wealth to me at age eleven, a treasure hoard under my name, and college couldn’t be much more costly than $147.19, could it? My parents didn’t pay it back, even after I reminded them when I was twelve that they were past due.

          **** It was not relevant to Mother Panda that I had other stories with very nice fathers, as well as an entire series about a swashbuckling cat named Moonlight who robbed banks to afford a won-ton soup addiction. Moonlight had no mother or father, but a criminal record and a black pirate ship with tattered flags. When he was defied the walls ran red with blood, and my second grade teacher was a little concerned.

          Part Two will be posted tomorrow, as Gay Panda is going to be a Bare Gay Panda next week if the Laundry Mountain is not climbed today.
          JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

          Comment


          • *hugs Young Gay Panda*
            Female / 5' 8" / 42 / SW: 166 CW: 159
            Journal: Inspired by success story. Working on my own.

            My mermish life: ENTER to WIN Real Mermaids Don't Hold Their Breath (until Mar 15)

            Comment


            • Originally posted by thepigisatastyanimal View Post
              *hugs Young Gay Panda*
              Thank you, thepigisatastyanimal. On the bright side, I can now type 86 words a minute with one correction.
              JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

              Comment


              • Originally posted by Gay Panda View Post
                Thank you, thepigisatastyanimal. On the bright side, I can now type 86 words a minute with one correction.
                Which comes in handy now that you are a soon-to-be (wildly successful) e-book author. Karma, baby.

                PS Good luck!
                Female / 5' 8" / 42 / SW: 166 CW: 159
                Journal: Inspired by success story. Working on my own.

                My mermish life: ENTER to WIN Real Mermaids Don't Hold Their Breath (until Mar 15)

                Comment


                • many similarities inmy childhood. I swear we needed a spare room for my step mother to store her masks! Cuz what the neighbors saw was not what the school saw, which was not what my dad saw when we were home, which was entirely not what we saw when he was not home!

                  Can't wait to read tomorrow, don't care if payroll has a deadline in the morning, I shall be waiting for your post!'
                  And credit cards are evil!
                  Redflame
                  Started PB Aug 9, 2010 then let 'stuff' get in the way
                  Back to start and make a fantastic 2012
                  Goal of Significant Weight Loss
                  15 pounds down! with more to go!

                  Comment


                  • Too many painful little parallels with my own childhood for me to make a clearheaded or consoling reply ...

                    :::just gently squeezes Panda paw in Sigi paw:::
                    I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.

                    Oscar Wilde

                    Comment


                    • PART TWO: In most ways, Young Gay Panda grew up into a very different adult than the Panda Parents. Much more placid-tempered, I do not live a life of drama, having had quite enough long ago. The Panda Parents were disconcerted that I would not argue back, as this took the wind out of their sails. But why should I? It wasn’t going to go anywhere, and so engaging was fruitless. It is a good skill to have, knowing when one’s opponent is someone energized by argument and discord. Approaching from that angle shows you the futility of trying. You’ll get upset and they’ll come alive.

                      But in some ways, I am similar to the Panda Parents. There was no resolution to their fights and there could not be, because the issues were not truly a yellow camera case or Young Gay Panda’s creative fancies. We lived over the fault line of a failing marriage, and their endless arguments were simply the quakes caused by the tectonic plates shifting far below. The quaking distracted from the issue they wanted to avoid: untangling the strings of a very broken marriage and striking out into an unknown world solo. It was easier to stay and scream and slam doors and bang pots, following a script already written, than to face a blank page.

                      And that is Gay Panda in a nutshell, who has no qualms about a blank page in writing, but many about deviating from scripts otherwise. I avoid the unknown with fervor. It scares me to do something new, and so I just won’t. It’s easier to continue on with whatever I’m doing, even when it’s not working and I’m very frustrated about it. I’ve known for years that the chances of having this particular book traditionally published were slim to none, because it is science fiction (market crashed) and 142,000 words (too long) and by an unknown author (Gay Pandashian). I sent it out and got a rejection, sent it out again and got a rejection, sent it out and out and out until I gave up. Agents and publishing houses have always liked my work, but they don’t know what to do with it. They have a bottom line to worry about, and a book that will be expensive to produce and has no established audience either for the author or the genre is not what they can risk a tight budget upon.

                      So then what? While learning the craft, a lot of writers compose books in which one can see the raw talent, but the skill is not yet honed to make it shine. Gay Panda has several of those books, which will forever remain locked in my computer because they suck. After a stream of duds as I learned the ins and outs of structuring a book, everything came together in this one. To finally nail it after missing the mark for years made me indescribably proud. I wanted to scream from my roof and travel back in time to those Younger Gay Pandas frustrated with duds and yell keep bloody trying because it gets better!

                      But now it was done, and destined to go nowhere. It cannot be edited for size, not without destroying the plot. I cannot rejuvenate a market. Gay Pandashian has no connections, and is unwilling to release a sex tape in order to become famous. So I had nowhere to go. That depressed me, and I was full of angst and questioning existence and despairing of how my school compatriots were soaring away while my career was stuck in idle. That is why I do not have a Facebook page. I did not want them to find me, running as furiously as they, but still in the same place. What have I done since graduation? Well, I wrote a book that will never be published and got fat. How are you? I would not consider publishing online, having always been told that it is not respectable, and so I stalled before an insurmountable barrier along the road. Can’t go forward, can’t go back, and my one-track brain would not consider a poor detour around to a path that led into darkness.
                      Last edited by Gay Panda; 01-16-2012, 08:55 AM.
                      JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

                      Comment


                      • I don't suppose the publishing houses would accept IOUs from anyone who has read this journal as a promise to purchase a copy of said book when it finally arrives?
                        http://cattaillady.com/ My blog exploring the beginning stages of learning how to homestead. With the occasional rant.

                        Originally Posted by TheFastCat: Less is more more or less

                        And now I have an Etsy store: CattailsandCalendula

                        Comment


                        • Sign me up!
                          Redflame
                          Started PB Aug 9, 2010 then let 'stuff' get in the way
                          Back to start and make a fantastic 2012
                          Goal of Significant Weight Loss
                          15 pounds down! with more to go!

                          Comment


                          • PART THREE: My solution had no more finesse than the Panda Parents’ solutions: I avoided. I know how to do that! They gave over their lives to turmoil rather than find any alternative, living with the same problems year after year and nothing ever finding conclusion. I also existed in inertia. You don’t solve a problem. You don’t even really try. You live with it, and you let it destroy you slowly. That is just what life is. I have never understood people like Lady Friend, who see a bad situation coming in to land and meet it head-on. That is utterly foreign to me. The Panda Clan sees the Plane of Pain making its final descent and lay themselves out on the runway to be squashed.

                            Gay Panda has been struggling with the cave trolls of depression since cubhood, and feeling trapped is like offering them a gilded invitation to pay a call. Knowing the reason behind a visit from the cave trolls has always been helpful in showing them the door (hunger, family problem, issues with more obvious solutions) but there was nothing to be done for my career. So I beat my head fruitlessly on this barrier, feeling worse and worse and getting nowhere, avoiding Facebook and questions at gatherings about what I did for a living. I was happy for friends who got promotions and commendations, and once home I would curl up in bed and stare at the wall and wonder why I always had to be the one offering congratulations instead of receiving them. Hello, cave trolls.

                            What changed? Why is my brain (with great difficulty) finally able to grudgingly accept what it could not before? My book will not be traditionally published. That is devastating to me. I really wanted it to be that way, but it will not. So, what comes next? The answer has always been cave trolls, but they haven’t been knocking at my door as regularly or staying as long. I am sad, but I am not getting pulled underwater. Nothing has changed in my life to spur this change, nothing but how I am eating.

                            Long before I gave up wheat, I had observed that a certain food predictably made my mood nosedive within an hour. I did not stop eating pizza after observing this effect (or explore the problem further to figure out what about pizza was doing this, and if other foods were doing the same more subtly). It was hard to believe that there was much relationship between what I was eating and how I was thinking or feeling, even though I worked with an autistic child taken off gluten and the change in his behavior astonished me. Yes, he was still severely autistic. But his brain, instead of being locked into loops, had some pliability. Part of him woke up once the gluten was gone. He interacted with the world in a way that he could not before.
                            JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

                            Comment


                            • PART FOUR: Suddenly, there was a boy there. One week, he had been drawing a piece of string in and out of his peripheral vision for hours and releasing a monotonous uuuhhh as he watched the same five seconds of a cartoon on videotape that he kept ejecting and pushing in to make it rewind to that same mark. The next week, in which his diet had changed, he looked me dead in the eye and played footsie, the uuuhhh gone and replaced with a faint smile. This is hardly monumental for a six-year-old, but for him, it was. He could truly see me, where before I was just furniture. He could understand that I would play, and he could play back. This had never existed in his life.

                              I am also finding the slightest pliability (emphasis on SLIGHT) now in my mind. It allowed me in the last three months to consider and then plan releasing a book online, instead of traveling the same worn mental path to the cave trolls. Yes, this detour still leads onto a path that stretches into darkness, and that is frightening, but isn’t it better than just smacking my head against this barrier in the road? How many years am I going to do that? But my parents lived that way, and I have been as well. It’s familiar. It’s what you do. You prostrate yourself before your problems and let them sit on you. Yet now my mind is ever so slightly clearer, and when I see the Plane of Pain approaching in its final descent, my mind urges me to move off the runway. I still do not have the fire to run charging at a problem head-on like Lady Friend, and the dark road probably has wolves and vampires and swine flu and I will be sorry I ever took the detour. But I will try it.

                              The mental change is small enough that I still only drive one way home, and even as I’m typing this, a cave troll is yelling don’t publish it online no one takes eBooks seriously only failures resort to this keep waiting for a real publisher what is WRONG with you? But I am tired of listening to this spiel. Yes, some people will consider this failing. But maybe it is failing even more to spend years circling sad faces on feelings charts because one cannot catch the moon with a fishnet. I’ve been banging my head for so long that I almost want to continue just out of unwillingness to leave even an unhappy comfort zone. Yet soft launch is still scheduled for February.

                              Gay Panda is terrified.
                              Last edited by Gay Panda; 01-16-2012, 10:14 AM.
                              JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

                              Comment


                              • Originally posted by Redflame View Post
                                And credit cards are evil!
                                They are TOTALLY evil! My first day of college, I went to the bookstore with friends to make our purchases and we were swarmed by Credit Card Pushers before we even made it to the door. They had tables covered in swag and friendly, attractive people signing everyone up. When one latched onto me and I informed him that I wasn't eighteen years old yet, he cried in excitement, "That doesn't matter!"

                                Wow. It didn't? Seventeen year olds with no income could get credit cards? I had had no idea. But after years of watching my parents struggle with them, there was no way in the WORLD I was going to sign up.
                                JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

                                Comment

                                Working...
                                X