Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS

Collapse
X
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Originally posted by Gay Panda View Post
    I'm sorry, beachrat, I was typing quickly and didn't reread before pressing post. I meant to write that I suspect my cortisol has been set too high since I was young. Something is going on and I just haven't gotten up the energy to battle my HMO for testing.
    Oh, no worries! I just wish I knew something that could help! Cortisol is mysterious to me but I try to avoid things I feel would raise my blood pressure (even metaphorically) and get good sleep (it's always better than it used to be but not often enough perfect). Best wishes and best of luck.
    "If man made it, don't eat it." ..Jack LaLanne
    "It doesn't matter how beautiful your theory is, it doesn't matter how smart you are.
    If it doesn't agree with experiment, it's wrong." ..Richard Feynman

    beachrat's new primal journal

    Comment


    • PART TWO: Last year, I was miserable in my body. I wore my elastic band athletic pants all the time because my jeans were too tight and I could not face the fact that my weight had climbed up yet again. I wore them around the house. I wore them on my errands. I felt foolish at Whole Foods, but in those athletic pants, I could avoid the feeling of failure, the hopelessness, the realization that I had to buy bigger jeans. People might throw me the bone hey, that panda in line is pretty fat, but athletic pants mean that fat panda is trying to do something about it. When social events occurred, I turned them down because I could not attend in my elastic band athletic pants. I hid in my house.

      Gay Panda was never any good at accepting a larger body. But you can’t live this way indefinitely; either you accept that it is you and make peace with it, or you go crazy feeling divorced from your own flesh. On New Year’s 2011, I couldn’t even stand on the scale. What was the point in a resolution? What exactly was I going to choose to do (or not do)? I drink one 12-ounce soda every two months. I rarely drink alcohol. I go to the candy store 2-3 times a year, where I buy one marshmallow chocolate bar, one little bag of Reese’s Pieces, and one little bag of cinnamon bears. I don’t go to fast food joints at all. A 5’9” panda can’t live on 1200 calories and run relentless 5Ks. So what was there to resolve?

      I was out of options for a resolution that would affect my weight, yet accepting it felt like defeat. I didn’t want to spend another year engaged in fruitless warfare, bringing Nerf arrows to a battle in which the opposing side has Uzis. But at the same time, I can’t stand being so heavy. I spent January 1st feeling decimated between two equally unappealing choices. I went to fat acceptance websites and looked at pictures of cheerful fat people who accept themselves, and I wanted to scream. I tolerate this body because I’m stuck in it, and I want to wear a T-shirt that informs people I do not really look like this. So on the road to acceptance, I never made it very far.

      It’s funny that I have no more resolutions for my weight in 2012 than I did in 2011, but for completely different reasons. Last year, it was out of despair. This year, it is out of knowledge. Hunger cannot be overpowered by will; this is a physiological fact of the flesh that I mixed up with emotional control. I will never win the battle on hunger, no more than I would win a battle with cyanide. The difference is that no one would expect me to win the latter, but most people think that we’ve had a moral failing if we can’t win the former. But we won’t win, and yet flagellate ourselves for thinking our Nerf arrow is as powerful as an Uzi.

      Fighting the need for food is like fighting the need for oxygen, and putting it in those terms allows me to see the silliness of it. Both are the battles of a lunatic, and while Gay Panda is admittedly a very strange flower in the world’s rose garden, Gay Panda would never be found insane in a court of law. My resolution cannot be to ignore my hunger pangs, in the hopes that doing so for long enough will render me an average-sized panda. I’ve tried. It won’t. My body does not allow this to happen.

      PART THREE SUNDAY: As Gay Panda has errands, and will NOT be performing them in elastic band athletic pants for two reasons.
      1. I bought jeans that fit. Smaller jeans.
      2. My elastic band athletic pants are far too big on me now.
      Last edited by Gay Panda; 12-10-2011, 09:45 AM.
      JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

      Comment


      • Originally posted by dickzark View Post
        there was a news paper article recently here stating people in china or some where wont hire scorpios or virgos luckly i live in australia im a virgo
        wtf?!
        JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

        Comment


        • PART THREE: Finding the strength to starve myself was essentially one of my resolutions every year. But this is ridiculous. How can I feel badly when I fail? Do I feel badly when I run out of breath underwater? That isn’t a failing of willpower, or a sign of slothful character. I am not a glutton for air. It is not an emotional issue or a moral one, and I can’t imagine what a therapist would make of a weeping panda on the sofa, devastated that I could not hold out for more than thirty seconds in the pool. What does this say about me? I disgust myself! My self-esteem drowning itself in the can because I can’t hold my breath any longer is as mad as bashing myself for being hungry.

          It also isn’t a moral issue what I’m eating. Starch and sugar make me feel like hell. On celebratory occasions, it’s worth the physiological dismay and backlash. Otherwise, I’d prefer not to feel that way. Certain foods have certain properties that give a quick high. I can eat them if I want, but I will feel gross later and have horrible cravings that last for days. Reframing this as a health issue instead of a failure of self is one I’m still working on. But choosing to only eat desserts at birthday dinners is more common sense than a resolution; limiting potatoes is the same. I know what’s going to happen, and it’s going to be ugly. I don’t resolve to not tease bulls for the adrenaline high of the flight either. To make it punitive with a failed resolution if I ingest sugar or starch is to introduce an emotional/moral component to a much more complicated issue.

          Stating as a resolution I WILL NEVER EAT SUGAR OR STARCH IN 2012 seems almost as strange as I WILL EAT 1000 CALORIES A DAY NO MATTER HOW FAMISHED I BECOME. Also ridiculous is I WILL WEIGH 166 POUNDS BY THE END OF THE YEAR. This is yet another Nerf/Uzi battle I am destined to lose, because I do not control what my body does with the food I put in it. I give it the tools, but my body has to do the work. I can’t put on a hardhat and tinker about my cells making improvements.

          I would love to become a normal weight this year. But I can’t resolve to do this. Crossing the finish line is not under my control. I am only my body’s coach, not its director. My vision may not be its vision. So I can cheer or moan on the sidelines, but I can’t run the race for it. Here is the food; do what you will. Please diminish. Believing that I have failed if it can’t just isn’t fair to me. I didn’t fail. This isn’t a test in school, in which I showed up unprepared. If I can’t make it, it’s because my body couldn’t do the work. It is not a reflection upon myself, and it doesn’t render 2012 a wash. That is when I will have to make peace with my body somehow, when it can do no more.

          You don’t kick your third- or fifth- or tenth-place finisher in the seat of the pants for not being first. I did what I could and my body did what it could, and then I have to let it go. But it is miles easier to think about making peace with 184.2, in which I just look a little round, than 231, in which I look horrific. I don’t feel so huge and yet so invisible any longer. I lost some of that wax coating I once had, where eyes slipped off me like I wasn’t even there. I look okay. Not great, but okay. And that is so much more than I had a year ago.

          So I find myself this December creating no weight-loss related resolutions for the New Year. I can’t choose to starve myself. I’ll limit the foods that make me feel like hell like I’ve been doing all along, because that’s sensible. And I don’t choose to become 166 pounds of panda. I hope. There is a difference that I didn’t appreciate before, because I believed that calorie deficit = weight loss, and that I was just deficient in the matter of willpower. But that’s not true. For 2012, I’ll continue to input what makes my body feel good, and limit what makes it feel like hell, and hope that one day all the extra panda will be gone.

          This is so very different from the despair of last year in my elastic band athletic pants, and all of the years before coming up with calorie counts and brutal exercise regimes. I don’t know what to do with myself, not spending December coming up with ways to improve my body in January. So, hello, approaching New Year! You are going to be the first one ever that I have not begun on a very torturous note: trying to achieve the perfect impossible in my persona, my weight, my intelligence, and my magical powers. 2012, you are going to be interesting.
          JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

          Comment


          • Just YES to all of the above; this really clicks with me. 'Specially:

            Certain foods have certain properties that give a quick high. I can eat them if I want, but I will feel gross later and have horrible cravings that last for days. Reframing this as a health issue instead of a failure of self is one Iím still working on.

            I would love to become a normal weight this year. But I canít resolve to do this. Crossing the finish line is not under my control. I am only my bodyís coach, not its director.

            and

            This is so very different from the despair of last year in my elastic band athletic pants, and all of the years before coming up with calorie counts and brutal exercise regimes. I donít know what to do with myself, not spending December coming up with ways to improve my body in January. So, hello, approaching New Year! You are going to be the first one ever that I have not begun on a very torturous note: trying to achieve the perfect impossible in my persona, my weight, my intelligence, and my magical powers. 2012, you are going to be interesting.
            I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.

            Oscar Wilde

            Comment


            • I like you already!!! Great ice-breaker!




              Start Date/Weight: December 6, 2011 - 203 lbs

              Comment


              • Gay Panda fell off the high-fat wagon. To maintain a pure and blameless self-image, as I like to do, the panda paw is pointed accusingly at A: December, in which relatives visited and wanted to go to a restaurant; B: December, in which Lady Friend inconveniently scheduled her birthday and wanted to go to a restaurant; and C: December, because it can’t fight back against unfair charges.

                My daily intake of carbohydrates was still low (I’d be surprised if I cleared sixty), but my protein increased and my fat decreased, and all weight loss stopped. The panda body has a deep affection for 185 pounds and cannot bear to be parted from it for very long. However, I do not have a deep affection for 185 pounds, and I can bear to be parted from it permanently. This means I should return to high fat and see if I can shake it.

                Why does high fat have to be so disgusting? I’m tempted just to whip up a bowl of heavy cream and live off that and walnuts and meatballs and egg yolks. Guacamole has gotten tiresome and even though I shaved the fatty bits of meat into little pieces and swallowed them whole, I still couldn’t tolerate too much. And I would rather starve than eat macadamia nuts or cream cheese or coconut oil. But I cannot deny that high fat swiftly dropped me from the slap of 189.6. My potato cravings finally died, so that now I only think of potatoes with my usual level of adoration instead of overwhelming lust. I even turned down a baked potato offered to me the other day*. So high fat it is. EW.

                The adult course of action would be to fill out my grocery list and get on with it instead of kvetching in my journal, but we all know which I chose. High fat is nasty. Yet I am interested to see what my body will do with Round Two of High Fat after the stunning success of Round One. Of course, Round One was just eliminating several pounds of water from intense bouts of Potato Time, not fat. If my lowest has been 184.2 and I’m currently 185.2, I can’t say I’m retaining much water right now. But I’m still curious what Round Two will do. Maybe it won’t do anything. But who doesn’t like a science experiment with their own body?

                Since I have already flaunted my mathematical genius before you, and it isn’t very modest to do so a second time, I will accept the ratios provided by my phone app instead of performing calculations in my head**. I was eating about 69-70% during Round One according to the phone, which is currently missing since Benign Poltergeist was on a tear last night. The pillows are askew on the sofa, the throw is not where I remember leaving it, and my phone is just gone. Primal Coach Kitty is so exhausted from defending my belongings and the honor of her late mother that she passed out on a chair and hasn’t even flicked an ear for hours. Thankfully, I wasn’t trying to sleep last night. Oh, wait, I WAS.

                Round Two. I can’t put it off because vacation is approaching, and trying to eat this way while on the road will make me insane. I have no restaurant invitations in the near future. I have few non-primal foodstuffs in the house***. I have no excuse, not even December. So here we are.

                ROUND TWO OF HIGH FAT:
                Monday: 185.2
                JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

                Comment


                • UPDATE: (in explanation of *, **, and ***)

                  * Of course, it was being offered by Grandpa Simpson, which made it less tempting.

                  ** By head, I mean on a dozen scraps of paper with ink all over my fingers and obscenities directed at my calculator.

                  *** I have a bag of gummy bears from Germany. I have had it for a while and it remains unopened, and I am saving it for Christmas. I don’t really celebrate Christmas (or anything in particular), but I need something to do on that day since everything is closed. So I will eat gummy bears and play video games and think about packing for my San Diego miniature golf vacation, since thinking about it is far preferable to doing it.
                  JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

                  Comment


                  • My money is on the phone being under the kitty!
                    There are two wolves fighting within a man's heart, one is Love, the other is Hate. The one that wins is the one you feed.

                    My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we'll change the world. - Jack Layton

                    The Primal Adventures of Griffin - Huzzah!

                    Comment


                    • Originally posted by Griffin View Post
                      My money is on the phone being under the kitty!
                      Once it actually was, and I found it by calling my number from Lady Friend's phone. The kitty suddenly leaped up in alarm as it rang under her big belly.
                      JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

                      Comment


                      • Oh, Troll. Were you lonely? Am I going to need to press The Death Triangle at the bottom left-hand corner to make you go away? Your name doesn't even break down to an amusing anagram, or any anagram at all.
                        JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

                        Comment


                        • Hi Gay Panda
                          Excellent Parts 1,2 & 3!

                          I'm suffering through this one right now:
                          Originally posted by Gay Panda View Post
                          Certain foods have certain properties that give a quick high. I can eat them if I want, but I will feel gross later and have horrible cravings that last for days.

                          Originally posted by Gay Panda View Post
                          Once it actually was, and I found it by calling my number from Lady Friend's phone. The kitty suddenly leaped up in alarm as it rang under her big belly.
                          this made me laugh

                          Originally posted by Gay Panda View Post
                          Oh, Troll. Were you lonely? Am I going to need to press The Death Triangle at the bottom left-hand corner to make you go away? Your name doesn't even break down to an amusing anagram, or any anagram at all.
                          I press the Death Triangle again and again...I think it's broken on my journal...will you come over and fix my Death Triangle?
                          "Be careful what you pretend to be because you are what you pretend to be." Kurt Vonnegut
                          "I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." Douglas Adams
                          "Moderation sucks." Suse
                          "Wine is a vegetable." Meaty
                          "Every decision you make, from what you eat to what you do with your time tonight, turns you into who you are tomorrow and the day after that." Cmdr Chris Hadfield


                          Winencandy

                          Comment


                          • Hi, winencandy! I hope your cravings hit the road soon, mine clung on for days and made me NUTS.

                            I will be happy to fix your Death Triangle, after I press mine for the very first time to see where it goes. But maybe these aren't trolls in our journals. Maybe they're really the work of some admiring flirts, madly in love with us, too shy to use their own names or compose their own messages. I have never had a secret admirer and perhaps I'm shutting down the romantic aspirations of aehg42wsdj by callously reporting him/her when really all he/she wanted me (and about ten other journalists) to know is that we are loved.

                            Oh, aehg42wsdj, I love you, too. <<<<HUG>>>>
                            JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

                            Comment


                            • Oh, aehg42wsdj, I love you, too. <<<<HUG>>>>
                              Ooooh, don't hug trolls! Very unsanitary. And they probably smell like canned spiced ham or something!
                              Cooking Primal with Otter - Journal
                              Otter's (Defunct) Primal Log
                              "Not baked goods, Professor, baked bads!" ~ The Tick

                              Comment


                              • Originally posted by ottercat View Post
                                Ooooh, don't hug trolls! Very unsanitary. And they probably smell like canned spiced ham or something!
                                As long as they don't have swine flu.
                                JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

                                Comment

                                Working...
                                X