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Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS

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  • Grandmother Friend crossed her horizon this morning; I hope that she has opened her eyes to some brilliant new dawn.
    JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

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    • I'm sorry for your loss Panda (and Lady Friend)! I am glad the waiting is over, though, and your life can go on. Being Thanksgiving, be thankful for the wonder and Love she brought to your life!
      There are two wolves fighting within a man's heart, one is Love, the other is Hate. The one that wins is the one you feed.

      My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we'll change the world. - Jack Layton

      The Primal Adventures of Griffin - Huzzah!

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      • I'm so sorry for your loss.
        My True Primal Story

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        • I so proud of you for standing up to him panda, well done. I'm so sorry for the loss of Grandmother friend.
          Old Man Pickle was put down on Wednesday. I just know they're both happy now.
          Grandmother friend will be young and healthy, doing everything she loved in her favourite kind of place.
          Old Man Pickle is now Young Lad Angel Pickle, has been reunited with his brother Soldier Boy Angel Pippin, and they're bounding over lushious sunflower fields, chewing on cardboard rolls the size of houses and nommin upon sunflower seeds.

          I thought of you and Grandmother friend while we were burying him. I sat down with his little gerbly body in a field while I was bringing him home so I had a chance to talk to him before I said goodbye. I told him if Grandmother Friend joins him and Pippin soon, they'll be her friends. The pair of them were the friendiest gerbils I ever knew so I know the three of them will be having fun together =']
          Bunny trainer extraordinaire!

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          • Vale Grandmother Friend. Sympathies and warm wishes to those who loved you.
            xo
            I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.

            Oscar Wilde

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            • Gay Panda is drowning the panda sorrows in a Massive Mashed Potatoes Binge tonight.

              I know that there are far worse things to be drowning within, such as an entire pizza, or a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Cake Batter ice cream, or twenty shots of tequila, but those things will make me physically sick on top of the emotionally sick that already exists. Tomorrow is the funeral. Dried mangoes also mysteriously fell into my (swine flu ridden) cart at Whole Foods an hour ago. I should not be eating either of these things, but I am.

              I have not weighed myself in a week, and I am frightened to start up again. Tomorrow I’m not going to bother, and since there will be a cornucopia of carbohydrate foods afterwards, I’ll just do the best I can and not torture myself with weighing Monday. But on Tuesday, I have to get back to business. I bought pants days ago, and as I stood in the dressing room scrutinizing the panda form, my first thought was YIKES. Oh, the panda belly. You have got to go.

              It’s just a scale, and it should not engender such fear. I managed fairly well with food under the circumstances of the last few weeks, but Thanksgiving got in the way and there was a Happenstance of Pie and Potatoes. There was also a bite of flavorless bread, and the lack of flavor helped to stop me from having a second. None of these offenses are egregious, but the scale may show an egregious result. The important thing, though, is that no matter what it shows, no matter how bad, my response is not to say f*ck it and drive to the ice cream store. I just have to start again.

              But first, the funeral, and Valhalla help me if Grandpa Simpson is doing the eulogy. He also did the eulogy at Grandfather Friend’s funeral, and it was full of long, boring stories that went absolutely nowhere at all. Some of the stories were more about him than the deceased, and occasionally he consulted the sobbing family to clarify points of his stories while he stood at the podium*. Gay Panda sat there wanting to remember Grandfather Friend and what a very nice man he was, and instead sat there bored out of the panda skull by these long, boring stories that went absolutely nowhere at all.

              Because Grandpa Simpson cannot resist the spotlight, it is safe to say that he will speak tomorrow. For a very long time, with a variety of long, boring stories that go absolutely nowhere at all (more about himself than Grandmother Friend), and he will be consulting the sobbing family to clarify points of his stories while he stands at the podium. Gay Panda will be bored and frustrated with him for being so needy and desperate for attention, and the minutes will tick on and on and on.

              I do not want to be insensitive, because he has not had the easiest life. But that’s true of a lot of us, and we’re not hijacking other people’s deathbeds and funerals to demand attention. Tomorrow is about being sad for the loss of Grandmother Friend, not being irritated with Grandpa Simpson. But I am going to be irritated, and after the funeral, as we gather at the house, he will do exactly what he did last time and solicit us for our opinions of his eulogy. He wants compliments.

              I don’t know if I’m eating these potatoes more out of grief or preemptive irritation right now. But I have to stop. I hope that when I weigh on Tuesday, I haven’t gone back over 190. Progress is so easily wiped out in the weight loss game. But even if I’m over 190, it can be fixed. One of the last things that Grandmother Friend ever said to me was that she truly admired how I’ve lost weight this year, and I’d like to keep making her proud wherever it is that she’s gone.

              So the Panda Show should return sometime next week, and in the interim, if you would care to, please leave me a description of YOUR most annoying family member. And also, how you deal with them. I need a better strategy than potatoes.
              JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

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              • UPDATE: (in explanation of *)

                Dear Grandpa Simpson,

                It does not MATTER if one of your long, boring stories that goes absolutely nowhere at all happened to take place in June of 1963 or June of 1964. Or maybe it was 1965. You are giving a eulogy. PLEASE do not stop telling your story to debate the year out loud, and then turn to the sobbing family to ask if they know. The year is utterly trivial and beside the point. Also, do not stop talking about the deceased to inform us that a member of the audience is a war hero. This has absolutely nothing to do with anything.

                In other words, please don’t do tomorrow what you did in March at the last funeral.

                Sincerely,
                Gay Panda
                JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

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                • Dearest Gay Panda,

                  I am so sorry for the loss that you have had to suffer. I too, lost someone, when i was 14. It affects me to this day. The weight you may gain from the stress of everything, and the foods you may seek for comfort, is understandable. Do not beat yourself up for any of this. When you are ready, jump back on board. I imagine that Grandmother Friend cares more that you are being healthy, and really couldn't give a #%& about the numbers on your scale. I also know that all of us care about you, and your health. So please take care!

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                  • Can you perhaps subtly insert earplugs during the Grandpa Simpson portion of the proceedings, to distance yourself from the cross-making and needy ramblings, and instead use that quiet time to reflect on happy memories of Grandmother Friend?

                    Don't worry about scales and potatoes and panda belly size for a little while - you don't need the additional stress. Just be understanding and kind to yourself, get through this difficult time as best you can, and when you're ready you can get back on track. Remember, it's all about direction not perfection. I'm sure you'll soon get your mojo back and continue making Grandmother Friend proud.
                    I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.

                    Oscar Wilde

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                    • Gay Panda, I'm so sorry for your loss! There are a lot worse things than potatoes and you'll probably find you can't even consume as many as you used to. When you're with the friends and loved ones celebrating Grandma Friend, I hope you can tell the stories that you told us. I'm sure they would mean even more to her friends and family!
                      Cooking Primal with Otter - Journal
                      Otter's (Defunct) Primal Log
                      "Not baked goods, Professor, baked bads!" ~ The Tick

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                      • UPDATE: (in case anyone was wondering)

                        I don't know if someone stopped him, or if he just didn't want to speak at this one, but Grandpa Simpson did not give the eulogy. Praise Valhalla! Instead he drove off the driveway and down a little hill, decimating three bushes and stopping mere inches from the pillar holding up the porch.
                        JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

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                        • Dear Primal Coach Kitty,

                          If you sneak into the pantry and hide yourself behind the jug of olive oil, you have absolutely NO RIGHT to complain after I rescue you from becoming trapped in Narnia. Dammit, Kitty, I checked for you before closing the doors! This isn't my fault, so call off the Twilight Barking and tell the New York ASPCA to stand down!

                          Sincerely,
                          Gay Panda
                          JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

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                          • PART ONE: Gay Panda is stylin’.

                            The Giant Jammie Pants were surrendered to Goodwill after stranding me in the kitchen recently. If you have been reading Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS all along, then you will remember when I said that they were too big at 217 pounds. They’re even more ridiculous at whatever weight I am currently, the exact number of which is a mystery because I am afraid to stand on my scale after Potato Time*. My ignorance will be brought to a close on Tuesday, but I have one more day to indulge in the fantasy that perhaps I lost weight, or at least maintained.

                            But on the last day of the Giant Jammie Pants, if you were looking through my window, you got far more of an eyeful than you expected. Of course you hoped, you dreamed of such a thing happening, but that really only occurs in the movies, doesn’t it? You never thought it would ever happen before you. But there I was in all my glory, and you were left to think that there is no sultrier a sight in this world than a pudgy pants-less panda pan-frying pork products. Perhaps you drooled. I understand.

                            Luckily I had no houseguests, since I had to shuffle from the stove to the sink to wash my hands before I could reclaim them. If you were watching, you got to enjoy every angle that I sport. But since Gay Panda has an inconvenient modest streak, and does not wish to make a habit of parading about my house dressed only in my own hotness and the cumulative steam with which your frustrated libidos exude, I bought new Jammie Pants. If you thought I looked fine before, I will blow you away now.

                            I don’t know why it never occurs to me to purchase pajama sets. This would be the logical course of action. Instead I hiked over to the Jockey website and perused only pants, never mind that I need something on top. I found two pairs, men’s indigo plaid with cheery yellow stripes to brighten them, and a ghastly women’s Microfleece Lounge Pant in the color lipstick. Gay Panda does not wear or own cosmetics, but had always believed that lipstick came in different colors. Gay Panda was wrong. The default of lipstick is red, and sweet Valhalla, these are the most frighteningly red pants ever.
                            JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

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                            • PART TWO: They just arrived. The Lipstick Jammie Pants are even more deliciously appalling in person than they were on the website, so I climbed into my men’s indigo plaid and bubbled about happily in those until I decided to clean my gutters in them. So now they are in the wash. I type this in my new Lipstick Jammie Pants, sky blue bedsocks, and a sweatshirt I ‘borrowed’ from Lady Friend**. Half of it is blue, half of it is white, and the emblem on the front proclaims Aztecs – Ancient World. Nothing matches, everything clashes, and I am the ultimate fashion faux pas on my recliner.

                              If you were out there on the day I lost my Giant Jammie Pants to gravity, then you must console yourself in the memories because both my new men’s pair and my new women’s pair are staying firmly at my hips. I do not have to pin them under my elbow or hold the waistband to keep them up. I can jump about with impunity. I can go into my front yard to sign for a package without giving the mailman a show for which he did not pay. I could frolic in a tornado and not fret.

                              What was nice as I chose my pants*** was to compare my measurements with the size charts, and see that there is no need for 2X, X, or even large. I was a medium in the women’s sizes and a small in the men’s. There are still at least twenty extra pounds of panda, but I am not giant any longer. My eyes still need to adjust, because I lifted the new jammie pants from the box in despair and thought that they were way too tiny for the panda form. But they fit fabulously.

                              So you have a new image to insert onto that half-shell, and I hope that it sates you. As much as an image can when the reality remains so far away in a magical bamboo forest, in which the notes of Toxic are overridden by the barking of Shelob, Sauron, Professor Chaos, and Captain Suicide. Gay Panda needs a vacation not from work but from the neighbors’ dogs. Next month I will be going to San Diego for a week of bark-free nights, and it is sad that this element of the trip is the one I look forward to most. The second most enjoyable element will be the looks on my friends’ faces as I prance about their home in my new Microfleece Lounge Pant in lipstick, Aztec sweatshirt, and fuzzy blue bedsocks.

                              Did you hear that? It was the sizzle of pure sexy.
                              JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

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                              • UPDATE: (in explanation of *, **, and ***)

                                * In the spirit of honesty: multiple Potato Times. There was also a Cookie Time.

                                ** Borrowed = stole. She retaliated by stealing my Xena: Warrior Princess T-shirt and Neapolitan bed socks. Thank you, Lady Friend! Now I get to buy more bed socks! Mission: Accomplished.

                                *** And socks. Gay Panda loathes 99% of clothes shopping, yet loves the 1% that covers buying socks. Do I need socks? No. When this order came, I had to dump out my packed drawer of socks and go through them to make room for more. One pair of socks I have had since eighth grade when my class went on a field trip to Sacramento. Why do I remember the socks that I wore on that long-ago trip? Who knows? I kept them. But I am finally, FINALLY parting with the wool socks that I wore as a panda cub. They were my sliding socks. The panda siblings and I would put them on for the sole purpose of running at top speed down the hallway and then sliding across the linoleum in the kitchen until we stopped, fell, or crashed into the door.

                                Oh, Olympic sports. You’ve got nothing on the Kitchen Slip. Team Panda!
                                JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

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