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Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS

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  • #46
    Gay Panda I just spent the last few minutes laughing hysterically at your posts. This is my favorite new journal to read! I have faith that you can keep this from lady friend! I, too, am horrible at keeping secrets and get the same guilty giggles when someone so much as looks at me the wrong way. I couldn't help but smile and nod as i was reading your post about laying sleeplessly in bed recalling embarassing moments, sock necessities, grocery store lists and wondering if the thing that I said earlier that was supposed to be funny came out wrong and now I look like an idiot. I am looking forward to your next post. For now, I am going to look at Lolcats 'n' Funny Pictures of Cats - I Can Has Cheezburger? because you just reminded me how much I used to enjoy it.
    Last edited by KatyNC; 09-04-2011, 04:59 PM.
    My new blog! http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread37215.html Come see me!

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    • #47
      You should seriously consider writing a book! You would easily become my favorite author!

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      • #48
        KatyNC, why can't we forget our embarrassing moments as easily as we forget where we last set down our cell phones? I mispronounced Yosemite in front of my fourth grade class, and my skin STILL crawls remembering the laughter. In ninth grade, I savaged the pronunciation of Penelope all the way through a five-minute oral report, and in college I said something so blisteringly stupid that it keeps me up at night all these years later. I seriously doubt any of my classmates remembers these things, but they are branded into my mind with torturous clarity.

        newlifejourney, I actually do write books. *Cue Violins* I had one published in 2007, and days after the release, the distributor quit the publishing house, which then went bankrupt, and the copies of the books disappeared into a warehouse somewhere in America's Heartland. No one has ever been able to trace them. But I'm glad you're enjoying the journal because I'm having so much fun writing it.
        JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

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        • #49
          Gay Panda has chickens. They are named after Harry Potter spells, so my maligned neighbors may have a legitimate complaint about me since they live next to someone who stands on the porch shouting at Wingardium Leviosa to get out of the planter.

          The ringleader of the flock has hated me since the day I brought her home as a chick. For those of you who do not have experience with chickens, I say with the know-it-all confidence of someone with very little experience that chickens have two emotions: Eating and Pissed. That fuzzy little chick looked up at me with a very clear message in her pissed peeps. If our sizes were reversed, I would be eaten alive.

          She also hates Lady Friend and Normal Neighbor, and every person that she has encountered in the scant months of her life. The degree of her antipathy to the human race is incinerating, and so her name is Avada Kedavra. I have tried to win her affection, offering grated cheese and bits of roast beef, complimenting her very shiny feathers, and in return, she wants Gay Panda to die.

          But I did not get chickens so we could snuggle on the sofa and watch Napoleon Dynamite together. Avada Kedavra takes a break from cursing people every day to lay a little tan egg, and then she returns to her regularly scheduled programming. I take the little tan egg to the kitchen and face a quandary.

          There is a comfortable distance to store eggs. They magically appear on the shelves at Whole Foods in cardboard cartons, but daily I am confronted by the fact that this egg came out of Avada Kedavra’s feathered butt, and I am going to take something from her butt and put it in my mouth. On days when OCD gets the better of me, I make Lady Friend a gigantic omelet from Avada Kedavra’s eggs, and a gigantic omelet for myself from store eggs.

          I think in time that this will pass. Gay Panda grew up in the suburbs, and the realities of Where Food Comes From is easy to avoid there. There were no farms but in picture books with smiling cows, and in Disney movies where every animal has a name and family and tremendous psychological complexity. It has helped me in eating meat to have my own chickens, to see that their emotional lives are limited to Eating and Pissed. Avada Kedavra does not weep when I abscond with her offspring. None of them worry that Cruciatus seems a bit down lately, or tease Imperio for having a tiny comb. They deserve good care, as any living being does, but they are chickens.

          Today is one of those days where I am dwelling too much on how the little tan egg came to be, so I am going to text Lady Friend and ask if she wants an Avada Kedavra Omelet that is to die for, and I will have an Anonymous Omelet from the magical shelves at Whole Foods, and I’ll try again tomorrow.
          JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

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          • #50
            I'm sure the Avada Kedavra omelette is so much more delicious than the Whole Foods omelette. You will be spellbound once you switch over.

            And unless there's something really wrong with her anatomy, that egg did not come out of her butt. Besides, there's a shell, which you can wash (don't lick it).
            Il faut vivre et non pas seulement exister.

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            • #51
              BTW, please come to PrimalCon next year. In purple clogs.
              Il faut vivre et non pas seulement exister.

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              • #52
                superdeluxe, eating an Avada Kedavra egg is when Logic and OCD go to war!

                Logic: The egg did NOT come out of Avada Kedavra's butt. It exited her vent.
                OCD: Vent is just a fancy scientific term for butt! BUTT! It came out of her butt! The shell is covered in germs and now I am, too!
                Logic: You do not eat the shell. You can wash the shell. The egg is fine, and you're being neurotic.
                OCD: BUTT! BUTT! BUTT! GERMS!
                Logic: Make Lady Friend an Avada Kedavra omelet and yourself a store omelet, which also came out of a chicken's VENT.
                OCD: I win!
                Logic: Only this round, OCD. I'll be back tomorrow.
                Last edited by Gay Panda; 09-05-2011, 06:57 AM.
                JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

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                • #53
                  And Gay Panda is FAR too shy for PrimalCon, but thanks!
                  JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

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                  • #54
                    Vent sounds more disturbing than butt, imho. D:
                    Doing the Primal 30 Day Challenge since August 8th, 2011!



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                    • #55
                      And even more disturbing than vent is the other term cloaca, which is the Latin word for sewer.
                      JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

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                      • #56
                        Originally posted by Gay Panda View Post
                        And even more disturbing than vent is the other term cloaca, which is the Latin word for sewer.
                        Gay Panda, I am jealous of your chickens. If I could figure out how to get around my coop rules and raise chickens on my 9th floor balcony, I would.

                        Even though, unlike Gay Panda, I grew up in the country and don't really have a problem with where eggs come from (although I hated climbing into the hen house to get the eggs) and thought headless chickens running around the yard was pretty fascinating (hey, I was 5!! 5 year olds are ruthless) - I really didn't need the Latin translation. (although it makes sense ... for all butts actually)

                        I love, love, love their names. Perfect for chickens.
                        My primal journal that I don't update enough:
                        http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread33293.html

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                        • #57
                          girlarchitect, your comment made me Google balcony chickens, which led to indoor chickens, which led to a website selling chicken diapers. I had no idea such a thing existed. So now you just have to get around the rules, and Gay Panda can use chicken diapers as a conversation stopper. Thanks!
                          JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

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                          • #58
                            Originally posted by Gay Panda View Post
                            girlarchitect, your comment made me Google balcony chickens, which led to indoor chickens, which led to a website selling chicken diapers. I had no idea such a thing existed. So now you just have to get around the rules, and Gay Panda can use chicken diapers as a conversation stopper. Thanks!
                            chicken diapers! I love it. definitely using that at the next cocktail party I go to.
                            My primal journal that I don't update enough:
                            http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread33293.html

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                            • #59
                              Ah, conversation stoppers. The fourth line of defense for the shy, wily introvert after A: being a hermit and avoiding a party, B: being a wallflower when you can't avoid a party, C: pretending not to speak English to the most likely perfectly nice person who has come to say hello. Chicken diapers. I'll drop that gem and make my escape!!!
                              JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

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                              • #60
                                Because the Gauntlet of Crazy Neighbors surrounds Gay Panda, taking a walk for some primal exercise is out of the question. Poo Hurler spends a lot of time outside engaged in her favorite form of exercise, and Eye of the Storm’s dog Sauron frequently mistakes Gay Panda for a hobbit ring-bearer and flies over with Nazgul screams and serrated teeth.

                                My neighbor Spittle-and-Froth took second place to Poo Hurler in the Straightjacket Olympics, but it was a close second. She is in her sixties and her favorite forms of exercise are A: going to Taco Bell, B: yelling at her husband, C: counting the leaves that fall in her pool, and D: shouting at Gay Panda about how many of those leaves issued from Gay Panda’s tree.

                                The tree is well tended, and I had the branch overhanging Spittle-and-Froth’s pool removed. In truth, she is surrounded by trees on all sides, and only one of those sides belongs to me. But even Spittle-and-Froth hesitates to take on Poo Hurler, and so I am marked as an easy target. This is why I do not take walks about my neighborhood, and instead choose the not-remotely-primal treadmill at home.

                                From the safety of the belt, I enjoy a view of the very tall fence that I had put up between my house and Poo Hurler’s. I no longer have to see into her backyard, which is filled with odd objects like a stop sign, an octagonal end table, a stack of Ouija boards, and the Giant Grooved Metal Thing whose function remains a mystery. When I have the energy and motivation, which does not happen as often as it should, I take my walk and watch the squirrels run along the fence.

                                Poo Hurler is obsessed with birds, and among the plastic bags of cat droppings in her tree are feeders. She leaves the bucket of seeds open in her yard, which attracts squirrels, and the squirrels attract the cats that Poo Hurler hates. The squirrels bitch fight and last time it was a battle of such colossal proportion that I turned up my iPod dock to full volume and put on the theme song to Mortal Kombat.

                                There is always the chance that Poo Hurler is on MDA also writing a journal, complaining about her crazy neighbor Gay Panda for jumping at a window shouting FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! at a pair of squirrels tangling in the branches of the oak while Mortal Kombat bellows in the background. She could argue that hurling poo is more primal than walking on a treadmill, just as Spittle-and-Froth could argue that swimming in her pool is more primal than walking on a treadmill, and Eye of the Storm could argue that fleeing her psychotic beagle is also more primal than walking on a treadmill. In a competition of whose-exercise-is-more-primal, Gay Panda is destined to lose.

                                And Gay Panda is all right with this.
                                JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

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