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  • Oh, children. Let me reiterate that when soliciting a company for a job, DON'T DO IT THIS WAY. (Lady Friend received this - obviously I changed the company name to reflect the gifts from her secret admirer, as well as the name of the prospective employee.)

    Congratulations!!!

    This is your lucky day!

    You and your company have been selected to gain my services! According to my investigation, Cow-and-Panties Co. reaches my requirements for a suitable place of employment.

    My name is Jazz Hanz and I am the best worker your business will ever come across. This is the opportunity of a lifetime, and it would be a tragedy for you to pass it up.

    FAIL.

    Lady Friend thinks I might have posted this a few hundred pages back, but I can't think through the neighbor's endless sawing.
    JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

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    • Just downloaded the app and this thread is the first I've read. I think you are awesome GayPanda.

      Comment


      • Originally posted by luckyhinton View Post
        Just downloaded the app and this thread is the first I've read. I think you are awesome GayPanda.
        I've been on the Forums for less than a week and am also delighted by this thread on a consistent basis. Like, more so than talking about primal pooping and gene expression. That statement would probably mean more if Mark Sisson said it.
        Madam von Sassypants is journaling and shiz.
        Frequently found there: links to delicious recipes, overenthusiasm, swear words, constant conflict from working for a craft brewery, and overall, the perspective of a lady who's been primal for over two years and is finally tackling an 18-month-old plateau.

        Comment


        • Originally posted by Gay Panda View Post
          * Writing primal before any foodstuff or drink makes it primal.
          Aha! I shall therefore be having some primal tiramisu today. Jolly good.

          Dearest Pandapants, I am very sorry to hear of the passing of Expecto Patronum. Are we certain it wasn't Avada Kedavra's doing?

          I vote madamvonsassypants is immediately awarded Forum Newbie Name of the Week! Bonus points also awarded for weary passing reference to primal pooping (sweet Valhalla, there's not yet ANOTHER primal pooping thread started again this week, is there???)

          *Waves hello to luckyhinton* Enjoy the Magical Bamboo Forest!
          I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.

          Oscar Wilde

          Comment


          • "Primal pooping?" What the hell is that? Shitting in the woods?

            I think we need more threads, like:

            "Fell Off the Primal Wagon Pooping"
            "Oops, I Glutened Again"
            "Primal Farting - early, middle and end"
            Got Panda? Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and now Pandaloonery!

            Comment


            • Originally posted by Gay Panda View Post
              Oh, children. Let me reiterate that when soliciting a company for a job, DON'T DO IT THIS WAY. (Lady Friend received this - obviously I changed the company name to reflect the gifts from her secret admirer, as well as the name of the prospective employee.)

              Congratulations!!!

              This is your lucky day!

              You and your company have been selected to gain my services! According to my investigation, Cow-and-Panties Co. reaches my requirements for a suitable place of employment.

              My name is Jazz Hanz and I am the best worker your business will ever come across. This is the opportunity of a lifetime, and it would be a tragedy for you to pass it up.

              FAIL.

              Lady Friend thinks I might have posted this a few hundred pages back, but I can't think through the neighbor's endless sawing.

              EPIC FAIL

              I of course couldn't contact said applicant fast enough; a special snowflake is EXACTLY what my company needs!!!
              Got Panda? Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and now Pandaloonery!

              Comment


              • Originally posted by Sigi View Post
                Aha! I shall therefore be having some primal tiramisu today. Jolly good.

                Dearest Pandapants, I am very sorry to hear of the passing of Expecto Patronum. Are we certain it wasn't Avada Kedavra's doing?

                I vote madamvonsassypants is immediately awarded Forum Newbie Name of the Week! Bonus points also awarded for weary passing reference to primal pooping (sweet Valhalla, there's not yet ANOTHER primal pooping thread started again this week, is there???)

                *Waves hello to luckyhinton* Enjoy the Magical Bamboo Forest!
                How regular does or does not primal eating and living make you??? HOW MANY POOPS ARE CONSIDERED SAFE? Did Grok use toilet paper? SCAT TALK: LET'S GET REAL.

                I just realized I'm on this subject while my avatar is me wearing a shirt that says "DO EPIC SH*T" (is swearing a no-no here???). Sigh. SMH.
                Madam von Sassypants is journaling and shiz.
                Frequently found there: links to delicious recipes, overenthusiasm, swear words, constant conflict from working for a craft brewery, and overall, the perspective of a lady who's been primal for over two years and is finally tackling an 18-month-old plateau.

                Comment


                • Originally posted by madamvonsassypants View Post
                  I just realized I'm on this subject while my avatar is me wearing a shirt that says "DO EPIC SH*T" (is swearing a no-no here???). Sigh. SMH.
                  Fuck, no!!
                  I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.

                  Oscar Wilde

                  Comment


                  • I am sorry to hear about the HP chicken passing. Do you know what happened to it?
                    Depression Lies

                    Comment


                    • Originally posted by namelesswonder View Post
                      I am sorry to hear about the HP chicken passing. Do you know what happened to it?
                      And did you pluck it and roast it for dinner?

                      Comment


                      • Expecto Patronum was not a very bright chicken.

                        In the interest of being fair, I have not found chickens to be a very bright lot in general. And were a superior alien species to select me as a representative of the human species, I am afraid that their conclusions would not be flattering to any of us should their account be heavily weighted to subjects such as geometry, locating my wily cell phone, or Social Skills*.

                        The subjects on a chicken’s report card are as follows: Food Identification and Retrieval, Egg Farting, Friend or Foe, Broom of Doom Calisthenics, and Irritating Gay Panda With Pointless Noise. Expecto was a genius at that last one, but in some other areas, she fell far short. I will give only one example since I am far behind on a project for someone else and my kitchen has been overrun by the Dish Goblins to the point where I can no longer find the counter or sinks. I have also spent two days dressing myself out of the clean clothes in the dryer, rather than transfer them to the closet and dressing myself there. The bathroom needs to be cleaned and a gift certificate should be redeemed and the refrigerator is hosting several wholly unintentional scientific experiments that have a date with the trash can.

                        Often I worried that Expecto Patronum was subjecting herself to malnourishment, because I could sprinkle a veritable buffet around the backyard and she wouldn’t eat it. This was because she was convinced that whatever Avada Kedavra or Imperio had was The Very Best Thing Ever. So she chased them all over the yard to snatch a piece of The Very Best Thing Ever for herself, stepping on a dozen unclaimed Very Best Things Ever along the way, and whoever her target was would flee and gobble down the morsel on the run. Expecto never got it away, and while she was in heated pursuit of Avada, Imperio was eating everything else. This poor chicken lived a life of Being Hard Done By, and it was completely self-inflicted.

                        Last week, I watered my garden in the evening and then rounded the house to close up the coop and spare them nightly visitors of raccoons, skunks, cats, psychotic neighbors, and pterodactyls. I leaned my head in to do a head count with a flashlight and counted one less than normal. I stared at them and counted a second time. Then I moved the light all around the tiny coop to see where in the world Expecto had squirreled herself.

                        In time, I accepted the inevitable that she wasn’t there. I knew what this meant. It meant she escaped the fence and was sleeping on the PandaMobile. Again. So I trotted off and shined the light on no chicken nestled lovingly into the windshield. With no clue where she had gone, I paced the yard with my light and finally stumbled across her carcass.

                        I will spare you the details, as I wish I had been spared them. But it looked like she had been dead for several hours, and while her spirit in Valhalla charged after other spirit chickens eating The Very Best Things Ever, her body had been partially consumed by her very own chicken friends in the backyard. I thought back in desperation to whether or not I had heard alarm calls through the day.

                        But the problem is that my chickens think the Alarm Call is funny, so they give it on and off all day long. And when Gay Panda responds, nothing is ever wrong. No cat or raccoon or pterodactyl, no zombies reaching up through the soil to haul them down, nothing at all. They are the chickens who cry wolf incessantly.

                        On Expecto’s last day on Earth, I hadn’t heard any alarm calls. Not a peep. The only time an actual attack could have happened was during the hour I spent at Whole Foods. However, chicken attacks usually result in a brawl that result in feathers everywhere, and this was not what I found.

                        In conclusion, I have absolutely no idea what happened. I hope she had a heart attack and just keeled over, and the others bid her farewell in the only way chickens know how, by literally making her a part of them.

                        And no, I did not make her a part of myself.

                        Farewell, Expecto Patronum.
                        JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

                        Comment


                        • UPDATE: (in explanation of *)

                          * Watching television for an hour does not count as a social experience, unfortunately. Although I am so introverted that I revel in the silence once the TV is off and those people have gone away.**

                          ** That is pathetic. I resolve to say hello to a real person today. ***

                          *** You qualify as a real person. HELLO!!! ****

                          **** Real Life Interaction AVERTED.
                          JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

                          Comment


                          • Originally posted by luckyhinton View Post
                            Just downloaded the app and this thread is the first I've read. I think you are awesome GayPanda.
                            Hi, luckyhinton!!!

                            I wish I really were awesome. If you could see the state of my kitchen currently, you'd run away screaming.

                            * trudges to kitchen to start cleaning *
                            JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

                            Comment


                            • Originally posted by madamvonsassypants View Post
                              I've been on the Forums for less than a week and am also delighted by this thread on a consistent basis. Like, more so than talking about primal pooping and gene expression. That statement would probably mean more if Mark Sisson said it.
                              Primal pooping?! EUGHHH. Clearly, I haven't been spending enough time in the forums lately since I missed that one.

                              Should I search for it or clean my house?

                              * searching *
                              JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

                              Comment


                              • Originally posted by Sigi View Post
                                Dearest Pandapants, I am very sorry to hear of the passing of Expecto Patronum. Are we certain it wasn't Avada Kedavra's doing?
                                We can't be certain of anything. That chicken hates everything and everyone! I like when she challenges Lady Friend for dominance, as she is wont to do.

                                Nobody takes on Lady Friend. Avada has learned that lesson to her detriment many times.
                                JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

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