Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS

Collapse
X
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • UPDATE: (in explanation of *) Sometimes when I’m driving down a quiet country road, cows grazing on the hillsides and lovely striped clarkia all in bloom, the sun overhead in a clear blue sky and the world at total peace in this one spot, I ruin it for myself by starting to imagine what it will look like after the apocalypse. The fractured cow skeletons and craters in now bare hillsides, flowers the sorts of things one only finds in old books about the Before Time and the sky mottled reds with streaks of gritty smoke dripping ash down to the shattered cement of the road.

    When she reads this in time, Lady Friend is going to say that this is a well-deserved karmic bitch slap. This is because whenever we drive past some bucolic masterpiece of nature that makes her sigh and relax and say that it’s beautiful, I inhale with pleasure like I’m enjoying it just as much and then say, “Wow, imagine a super-sized Wal-Mart right there!”
    JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

    Comment


    • Sorry I'm late to the party, it was a busy long weekend.

      I've been averaging about 1-2 pound-lost per week. Mrs. Griffin read somewhere that 1-2 pounds/week of weight-loss is the most sustainable.
      There are two wolves fighting within a man's heart, one is Love, the other is Hate. The one that wins is the one you feed.

      My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we'll change the world. - Jack Layton

      The Primal Adventures of Griffin - Huzzah!

      Comment


      • Gay Panda I heart your journal!



        I wish I had something to offer about weight loss but I don't really know what I weigh...I was weighed in at the beginning of my 90 day fitness challenge at Crossfit in August (when I started eating Primally) & will get my weight taken again at the end. Somehow I suspect I will not lose much - if any - and in fact might gain....but that's bc I am a person who easily fits into my high school prom dress (14 yrs later) but weighs ~20ish lbs more bc I was "skinny fat" then & am muscular now.

        Also if Poo Hurler gives you any more trouble I'll hurl a fireball in his or her general direction

        Comment


        • sorry gay panda i have a problem with my key board it does not like to spell this for me or i have dislexic fingers which i think might be the case glad i could make you laugh
          i am the invisable man

          Comment


          • Originally posted by dickzark View Post
            sorry gay panda i have a problem with my key board it does not like to spell this for me or i have dislexic fingers which i think might be the case glad i could make you laugh
            It totally made me laugh. From now on when I'm feeling fat, I'm going to call myself Panada.
            JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

            Comment


            • Thanks for this...I am off to check out Atkins Induction like Lady Friend xoxo

              Comment


              • Originally posted by MrsPork View Post
                Thanks for this...I am off to check out Atkins Induction like Lady Friend xoxo
                I really wanted primal to work for her, but her body responds to primal by maintaining. Her measurements did change some, and she went down a tiny amount of weight, and then it just stopped though she has a lot to lose. I don't know what damage twenty years of vegetarianism did to her (if any) but whatever the cause, primal is not the solution. (Not the solution for loss, but primal is FANTASTIC to keep her maintaining. She had been going up and up out of control before primal.)

                So far, limiting her carbs to 20 a day solely from vegetables has gotten her weight moving again. Go over 20 and she stops losing, even if she's going over just on the carbs from vegetables. Gay Panda is not a scientist and can only guess that her insulin system is hyper sensitive and is always at the ready to shut down everything in the presence of carbs. So it's bare bones for veggie-loving Lady Friend.

                She is thinking of cycling back and forth between induction and primal. October is induction, which is strict, and November will be primal. She will maintain her weight in November but get to eat a bigger variety of foods. December will be back to induction, and she will see if this is sustainable or helpful.

                If you choose to do Atkins Induction, you might want to ignore what the book says about it being okay to chomp Atkins nutrition bars for snacks! Time after time, people in Atkins forums mention that these fake-sugar-whatever-the-hell-they-are bars and shakes keep them from losing and create cravings. Choose real foods just like you would for primal, not processed crap.
                JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

                Comment


                • Originally posted by wunderk8 View Post
                  Also if Poo Hurler gives you any more trouble I'll hurl a fireball in his or her general direction
                  What time can you be here? She has spent almost all of today in her front yard cackling and talking (I don't know if her audience is real or imaginary) and I want to go to my mailbox and retrieve my latest Glee DVD!
                  JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

                  Comment


                  • Originally posted by Griffin View Post
                    Sorry I'm late to the party, it was a busy long weekend.

                    I've been averaging about 1-2 pound-lost per week. Mrs. Griffin read somewhere that 1-2 pounds/week of weight-loss is the most sustainable.
                    I knew you'd have some excuse, Griffin! Your rate of loss fits right in the middle.
                    JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

                    Comment


                    • Day 11 of Gay Panda's 30-Day Challenge

                      It's back on! After getting flattened by a flare-up of a horrid old neck injury, today I returned to the challenge.

                      A: Read. Dear Author of this Awful Book: there is NO NEED for "quiet graves". You see, unless you are writing horror, in which case graves might be noisy, it is assumed that graves are quiet because they are filled with dead people. I HATE THIS BOOK. It is so boring that I am giddy to find stupid things like quiet graves and happy smiles, because it wakes me up enough to keep slugging through four pages at a time. CHECK.

                      B: Exercise. Not today. Tomorrow we'll see what my neck can stand.

                      C: Agents. I printed a cover letter and sample chapters, tooled up the synopsis and printed it, made my SASE and have it all waiting on the table in a manila envelope to be mailed to New York. I will go to the post office later this week, so CHECK.

                      D: Floss. Just nasty. CHECK.
                      JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

                      Comment


                      • PART ONE: Ducklings, last night Gay Panda was in a social situation where refusing carbohydrate-laden foods would have been beyond gauche. So I limited the damage as best I could (a tiny amount of bread, part of a bacon tartlet, three fingerling potatoes, a few bites of dessert) but I am afraid that today I have swollen up in reaction to the size of Panada. And so, not amused and not wanting to talk about food or primal or water retention or stubborn panda flab, I am going to tell you a story.

                        Mr. Magazine Time was a piece of work, Roger was a masterpiece, and Almost Santa was a new author’s worst nightmare. We travel back to the magical year of 2007, in which a 2,100-year-old melon was discovered in Japan, Marion Jones surrendered her Olympic gold medals, important people you have never heard of talked about climate change, and an unimportant person that you have heard of named Paris Hilton bounced in and out of jail for violating probation.

                        My book was also released that year, an event that did not make Wikipedia’s entry for important news events of 2007. It was only available briefly because the economy was beginning to flounder and my publisher went down with it, but while it was out, I did a Very Brief Book Tour and talked to reporters for magazine articles and gave speeches to classes of students.

                        Speaking publicly gives me panic attacks. I would almost rather get a rectal exam performed by a drunken Doctor Edward Scissorhands than have to do it. New authors can sabotage themselves by being unwilling to do self-publicity; as writers are frequently shy people not inclined to plug their own work, it creates a Cycle of Fail that leads to the downfall of the book. I did not want to do this, so I would have my panic attack in the restroom of bookstores or schools or in my house waiting for the reporter to call, and then I would grit my teeth and get through it.

                        That day I was speaking to 30 seventh and eighth graders in the half hour before school let out. It was an informal setting with me in the teacher’s rocking chair and the kids sprawled on the floor, and we talked about my book and history and Where Ideas Come From until the bell rang. I signed some books and helped a boy find his math folder, relieved that it had ended with me only saying one stupid thing in thirty minutes. The kids began to bang out the door while I cleaned up my belongings, and then a shadow fell.

                        A giant of a man was standing very closely to me. He had a massive gut under a stained and straining T-shirt and on his arm was a baby dripping from nearly every orifice. I nodded politely even though he was in my personal space and continued to pack until I realized that he wanted my attention. Straightening, I looked at this man who was two decades too young to play Santa, but was blossoming into the hallmarks of his physique. His nose had a reddened tip and his cheeks were blown-out; the belly was already adequately prominent and his forehead was beaded with sweat from the exertion of walking from his car to the classroom. The baby he held continued to ooze.
                        Last edited by Gay Panda; 01-04-2012, 12:26 PM.
                        JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

                        Comment


                        • PART TWO: Before I could say hello, he spoke in an explosion. “YOU’RE A WRITER?
                          “Yes,” I said in some alarm, hearing a lot of accusation in his tone.
                          There was a pause, which ended in another explosion. “I’M A WRITER.
                          Did that put us over the maximum capacity of writers in the room? Why was he angry with me?

                          Sometimes I am good at reading people, and thankfully, this was one of those times. It hit me what the problem was: gigantic Almost Santa felt small. He didn’t know that my publisher was sinking; that the first print run of my book was modest; that I wasn’t gushing with royalties. I was dressed nicely and had just been the center of attention in a small crowd for my writing, and this gave him the illusion of great success and had made him feel tiny and invisible. It ticked him off.

                          I smiled and said enthusiastically, “That’s great! I love meeting other writers!”
                          He exploded again. “I WRITE COUNTRY WESTERN LYRICS FOR BIG SINGERS LIKE BORIS BLAH-TON AND BLAH-LA BLADDER. HAVE YOU HEARD OF THEM?
                          Obviously, those are not the real names. The real names went in one ear and out the other, because Gay Panda does not listen to country western. The teacher had stepped out and Almost Santa had blocked me into a corner; I realized frantically that to placate this towering, angry man, I could not say that I hadn’t heard of them. But if he called me on it, I would be caught.

                          “Who hasn’t heard of them?” I said, and hoped for the best. Silently, the baby leaked on, a moist yellow crust on its cheeks leading back to its ears.
                          I DECIDED TO GET SOME SONGS PUBLISHED AND HAD TO SING THEM A CAPPELLA TO AN AUDIENCE. YEAH?
                          “Yeah,” I echoed. “Wow.”
                          THE FIRST SONG, SEE, THAT WAS WRITTEN WHEN I MET MY WIFE. THE NEXT SONG, NOW SEE, THAT WAS WRITTEN WHEN SHE BECAME MY EX-WIFE!” He barked in humorless laughter. “IMAGINE THAT!

                          I smiled and he exploded yet again. “DO YOU WANT TO HEAR THEM?
                          “I . . . uh . . . sure?”
                          One of the few students left in the room exclaimed, “Aw, Dad, no!”
                          Please, please don’t hand me that baby, I thought in desperation. A bulb of bright yellowish-green snot emerged from an already slick nostril. The man put the baby down on the carpet to liquefy and I exhaled in relief just as the man inhaled and burst into song.
                          JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

                          Comment


                          • I'm really hoping part 3 does not end with you covered in baby ooze...

                            Comment


                            • PART THREE: “WHEN YOU WANT TO BE WITH THE ONE YOU LOVE, BUT SHE’S GONE AND THE DOG IS SAD . . .” he brayed in my face. I stood there, trapped in the corner, not knowing whether I should look at him or the wall or close my eyes and beg Valhalla to save me. He was still in my personal space and I hoped that he wasn’t imagining me in my underwear to give him the courage to master his stage fright. He sang and sang, and the gooey baby with a perilously sagging diaper began to dance the funky chicken at our feet.

                              The older sister and two friends came over and started dancing the funky chicken with the baby. The baby crowed and continued to discharge, spittle flying from its mouth in sticky loops. Some retracted back to its chin and hung there like shoelaces. The diaper sagged lower, obviously loaded, and though Gay Panda is not a religious panda, I began to pray. Through no divine intervention but that of time, the song at last ended. Almost Santa grinned and his eyes brightened keenly on me.

                              AND HERE’S THE OTHER SONG! YOU CAN REALLY SEE HOW MY STYLE DIFFERS IN THIS ONE.” Readers of Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS, he burst into song again. “SHE CAME INTO THE BAR ON THOSE MILE-LONG STEMS, GUYS FIXING ON HER BABY BLUES . . .

                              The baby fell over to stain the carpet. Almost Santa sang his heart out while I pledged my soul to any divinity that could rescue me. Just as he was winding down, the spirit of AT&T answered. My phone rang and Almost Santa stopped a few measures shy of the ending. I said, “That was really impressive! You’re right, there was such a difference in style! Pardon, I have to get that.”
                              GOODBYE! NICE TALKING TO YOU,” he exploded as he retrieved the baby.

                              Gay Panda has never run to the Prius so fast. Children, that is the glamor of being an author.
                              JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

                              Comment


                              • Originally posted by canio6 View Post
                                I'm really hoping part 3 does not end with you covered in baby ooze...
                                I was genuinely terrified that he would offer his drooling, snotty, infected baby to me, and I would have no choice but to take it. UGH.
                                JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

                                Comment

                                Working...
                                X