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Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS

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  • PART ONE: Mother Panda was an odd duck.

    Of course, this is the equivalent on the Obvious-o-Meter of saying that the sky is blue, or that the dearly departed Primal Coach Kitty had fuzzy black ears and the IQ of a Yukon Gold potato. She was not a bright creature and the sky is indeed blue, and Mother Panda was a very, very, very odd woman.

    Although the creation of the panda cubs was a joint process*, Mother Panda had a strange need to fracture us from our father. Anyone reading this who is familiar with the acronym PAS** will probably understand. In one of our many houses during my youth, which was oddly designed so that one half of the house could be locked from one side and not the other, Father Panda accidentally locked us in and went to work cleaning airplanes of the day’s barf bags and loose peanuts. It was night when we realized that we were trapped, and Mother Panda came into the cubs’ bedroom to confess how worried she was that we would have to survive the next nine hours without benefit of the living room, laundry room, and kitchen. Of course, why she felt the need to unload her troubles on cubs who were going to bed anyway (and the oldest of whom was six years old at the time) is a mystery.

    But it resulted in tears of fright that we were going to starve to death in the next nine hours, even though we had had dinner and were going to be sleeping anyway, and possessed a fully functioning sink if we were thirsty. We cried and cried and cried, wondering why Father Panda had done this to us, and Mother Panda sat on the edge of a bed without any solutions. Father Panda locked us in, children! There’s nothing we can do! The phone is in the other half of the house! What if there’s a fire and we’re trapped in here? We cried more, since we were going to burn to death.

    I asked something along the lines of how could he DO this and Mother Panda replied sadly I guess he wasn’t thinking of us. I put on my Thinking Cap and fought past the unicorns and elves and pirates and dragons that were always inside it for solutions. We could crawl out the window in this half of the house and crawl back in on the other side. We could go to the neighbors’ and use the phone to call him or the landlord. But, for one reason or another, Mother Panda said we could not do these things.

    I don’t remember how the night concluded, whether Mother Panda did eventually use windows as a solution, or if we just had to wait for Father Panda to come home. And I am sure I looked at him with betrayal the next morning. We could have starved! We could have burned to death in a fire! Did he not realize how serious this mistake had been? And I am sure the Perpetually Arguing Panda Parents fought about it for hours, instead of doing something sensible like taking the lock off the door, or removing the door altogether, or purchasing a stopper to wedge underneath it.
    JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

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    • UPDATE: (in explanation of * and **)

      * Ugh.

      ** Power Assisted Steering? Pediatric Academic Societies? Pan Am Systems? Portable Antiquities Scheme? No, I mean Parental Alienation Syndrome.

      PART II TOMORROW
      JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

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      • Originally posted by Pedidoc View Post
        Oh, GP did you see "what would you do?" It was on germ phobias and would others help out.
        No, I did not see this!

        I won the war on the cart at Whole Foods the other day. I lost the one with the basket at CVS. It's so dumb.
        JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

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        • Originally posted by Primal Primate View Post
          Hi Panda,
          Just wanted to say thank you - your journal was one that inspired me to start my own. I have not read all 477 pages but have been entertained by what I did read.
          Hi, Primal Primate! Thanks for stopping by!
          JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

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          • So, Pandalings, I just realized that the VERY last chapter of The Dammerung, written by none other than a pseudonymous Gaylord Pandapants,will be posted next week over at thedammerung.com. I really, really love this book. So if you haven't had the chance - and/or need something else to read when Gay Panda disappears for awhile into the Magical Bamboo Forest - may I humbly suggest clicking on over and checking it out?
            Got Panda? Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and now Pandaloonery!

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            • Aren't you supposed to be at work?
              JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

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              • I love DListed, which today called Honey Boo Boo our modern day Shirley Temple.
                JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

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                • I'm still thinking Gay Panda and Lady Friend are the same person........
                  In all of the universe there is only one person with your exact charateristics. Just like there is only one person with everybody else's characteristics. Effectively, your uniqueness makes you pretty average.

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                  • I wish we were the same person. Lady Friend is a lot cooler than I am.
                    JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

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                    • Originally posted by Gay Panda View Post
                      Aren't you supposed to be at work?
                      Yes, but that's what an iPhone is for - multitasking!
                      Got Panda? Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and now Pandaloonery!

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                      • Originally posted by Gay Panda View Post
                        I wish we were the same person. Lady Friend is a lot cooler than I am.
                        Dork. Am not.
                        Got Panda? Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and now Pandaloonery!

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                        • PART TWO: He’s stealing money, Mother Panda said. She showed me the missing checks from the back of her checkbook, the ragged edges along the top, the skip in numbers. He’s maxing out credit cards. We’re in terrible debt. One day we might be homeless. She instructed me to always, always, always check the mail as soon as I got home from school. Remove any credit card offers and hide them! Frantic about our financial situation, I raced home the two miles from school every day and fingered through the mail in search of those telltale credit card logos. Then I rushed to my closet and buried them inside a dresser drawer.*** Safe.

                          He’s trying to kill us, Mother Panda said. He knew the car had no brakes and let us drive away in it anyway down the hill. The mechanic screamed at him. I have no idea if this story was even true****, as I don’t remember the incident she related of turning the car down the hill with the cubs in the backseat, and the brakes giving out. But that stuck with me, that Father Panda was trying to kill us. These were my family stories as I grew up, wondering why she stayed and kept having cubs with a man she thought was trying to murder us all.

                          There are plenty more stories, but they aren’t needed here. Mother Panda could not stand to share the spotlight with another parent, and she used us to further her war against him. At the same time, she pretended that this was not her intent. He says that I’m turning you into my foot soldiers, that I’m brainwashing you! Do you feel brainwashed? And of course we said no. How insulting! We could make up our own minds! Draw our own conclusions! And we could not see how she had led us there, because we were cubs. It was not hard for her to do this, because Father Panda was an angry and distant man. She could pin any accusation she wished upon him, and he was so withdrawn into his own frightening world of Uppity Black People and Feminazis and Those Damn Liberals that we had no way of knowing if any of it was true. Our relationship grew so strained that we refused to call him Dad any longer. Only he and him, and later it. Ugh, it's home.

                          When I was in high school, I enrolled in Advanced Creative Writing. We had to write a story every week, and this was a heady experience for me. I talked all about it to Mother Panda, the giddiness of a new story, the fear that it could not be drawn to a resolution, and I have never forgotten what she said. You will never be able to resolve a story, Young Panda, because you haven’t resolved your conflict with your father.

                          One that she had played a large part in creating.

                          There was no way to win in this home. We were not allowed to be close to him; we were not allowed to pull away from him. We were only allowed to be her echoes of however she felt about him at the time. But this is not how emotions work, flipped on and off like light switches. I looked at my writing warily after that. Will I be able to finish it? Will my endings always be poor because I never brought the story of my life to a conclusion?
                          JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

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                          • UPDATE: (in explanation of *** and ****)

                            *** After several years of doing this, I had accrued quite an impressive stack. I could not throw them out because he might see them and know what I had been doing, so the stack simply continued to grow. I believe I left it there after I moved out in my early twenties, and I have no idea if that secret cache has ever been discovered.

                            **** Upon reflection as an adult, I don’t believe this story of hers was exactly true. The most likely scenario was that Father Panda was procrastinating in taking the car in for a Wellness Check (both Panda Parents put these off until the car broke down somewhere) and the brakes had been a touch spotty lately. So then they gave out when Mother Panda was driving and scared the hell out of her, and the mechanic was angry because it was so far past the Wellness Check as to be ridiculous. But Mother Panda presented the cubs with the story Father Panda is intentionally trying to kill us, when the truth may have been in prosaic procrastination, of which both were culpable.

                            PART III TOMORROW!!!
                            JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

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                            • Originally posted by Lady Friend View Post
                              Dork. Am not.
                              So by that reasoning you are less cool than a dork?
                              In all of the universe there is only one person with your exact charateristics. Just like there is only one person with everybody else's characteristics. Effectively, your uniqueness makes you pretty average.

                              Comment


                              • Did anyone watch this week's Hoarders and the Battle Over The Rock?!?

                                Fight! Fight!! Fight!!!

                                The hoarder could not bear to part with a rock.
                                JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

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