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  • Scantilily Clad: "50 Shades" Trilogy: A Symptom of How Fucked Up Our Culture Is About Relationships
    “If I didn't define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive.” --Audre Lorde

    Owly's Journal

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    • Thanks for that link... very nicely done.
      Part of me thinks that I should actually read them so that I can appropriately criticize them...
      However, as I come from an extremely abusive back ground including a highly manipulative, emotionally, and physically abusive sexual partner... I'm thinking that I would just be setting myself up for anger and rehashing of old wounds better left alone.
      “You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.”
      ~Friedrich Nietzsche
      And that's why I'm here eating HFLC Primal/Paleo.

      Comment


      • I think it's mostly about domination and bodice-ripping, not necessarily that we are "fucked up about relationships." I mean, I haven't read them so I can't say. But, my friend read them, and she's in a very healthy, stable, normal marriage. She said it was an obvious fantasy with obviously messed up characters, but the sex was great to read (for her anyway). And so she read it.

        I trust that she isn't warped or anything.

        Comment


        • I was going to say how I think all sex scenes are super boring to read/watch, and how I can't imagine how anyone could find that crap interesting.

          But then I realized I was thinking about straight sex. And then it made sense why I thought it was so boring.

          _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

          Comment


          • The blogger who wrote that is an awesome feminist who I know and admire, so I'm glad you liked it, Cori.

            Zoebird, I think it's cool that your friend read them and recognized the messed-up things about the characters--the problem is that so many people read them and don't really grasp why things are messed up and perceive the relationships in books like this as the ideal. I used to encounter a lot of it doing healthy relationship education with youth. So many of the teen girls saw Edward Cullen as the perfect boyfriend and Twilight as the perfect romance, and it was very frustrating to see that. I worried about what those girls might then see as normal and acceptable behaviour from the people they dated. We often learn really early on that abusiveness somehow means love, and it's problematic.

            I mean, it's fine for people like your friend, or like my friend's daughters who read Twilight and saw the abusive aspects of it for what they were and talked to their mom about it; I worry for the people who see them as the norm for what a loving relationship should be. I also don't see people who read the books and think they're totally okay as "warped". I see them as people who've learned to view control and abuse as normal because that's so common in romantic narratives, regardless of whether it's erotica or a PG-rated romcom or the average family sitcom marriage.

            I just sort of feel sad that there isn't more awesome erotica for women that's not also all tangled up with really messed up relationship dynamics. I know a lot of women who'd like some sexy stories, even ones with kink, that showed those things in the context of healthy, non-abusive human relationships.

            Ugh, I just made Panda's thread all heavy. Could somebody post some cute cat pictures or something to lighten it up?
            “If I didn't define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive.” --Audre Lorde

            Owly's Journal

            Comment


            • Owly- 100% agreement.
              I ended up in an extremely abusive relationship because I was raised thinking that abuse was a normal part of relationships.
              And this modeling is more frequent and insidious than most people think.
              Mothers/fathers don't have to be physical to propagate the thought that abuse is pretty 'normal'. Many partners exhibit this through passive aggressive comments and manipulation.

              Also... dom/sub style relationships can be written as pleasurable and desirable for both partners, not outright coercion and suppression of the other person having rights in the relationship.
              “You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.”
              ~Friedrich Nietzsche
              And that's why I'm here eating HFLC Primal/Paleo.

              Comment


              • Cori, I'm also a survivor of an abusive family and a very abusive adult relationship. I don't want to see others go through that and hope that the educational stuff I did with kids might have helped at least a couple of teens recognize abusive patterns and know how to get help.

                I used to tell them that many of us don't have good examples of healthy relationships in our lives--our parents' relationships are unhealthy, we don't see good examples in the media, and many other people around us might also engage in unhealthy behaviours. A lot of kids grow up having no idea that they actually have the right to things like free and open consent, respect from a partner (or friend, or co-worker), and equitable decision making and power in their relationships.

                And yeah, kink, bdsm, and other stuff can definitely be written to reflect healthy ideas about consent, pleasure, and sexuality.
                “If I didn't define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive.” --Audre Lorde

                Owly's Journal

                Comment


                • I think that some of us are lucky.

                  I was raised in a two-parent household, where both parents loved each other and did their part, and from what I can tell, was equitable in a lot of ways. I would say that my parent's relationship is fairly healthy. My husband had similar, but his parent's relationship is less healthy because of his mother's manipulation and father's passivity, but because of their "people of the lie" approach, they can never be wrong/bad, and that gets splintered off into the kids.

                  In fact, DH was told by FIL that until DH came along, MIL was "tons of fun and very laid back" and thus it's DH's fault for MIL's "bad behaviors" that she has now. Then also, FIL told both Dh and SIL that he "stayed in the marriage for them" and this is also a form of manipulation -- blaming them for his unhappiness with his marriage, but staying because of the kids. So, they have some really warped ideas. My SIL is in a crap-tastic relationship with her boyfriend. Both met in treatment for drugs/alcohol; she actively asked him (and veryone else at the treatment center) to not hit on her or pursue her romantically, and he did anyway. Since then, it's been a decade of stupidity and yucky-poo-ness, and most of it is DH's fault, don't you know?

                  Yeah, I can't figure that one to save my life.

                  Nevertheless, our relationship is doing ok. DH works on his stuff and I work on mine. I read twilight and enjoyed it. I could see that some things were wonky, btu they work in the conciet of the story. I mean, If my husband were made of cake, I'd be hard pressed not to eat him all gone either. I don't necessarily think that's abuse, that's story conceit that creates a tangible "dangerousness" or "bad boy" element to the story.

                  But again, I can read it and suspend disbelief, and also have my head on straight. And, I talked to al ot of teens about it. They understand the fantasy. What they like about it is the 'devotional quality' of the story. They really do want to be someone's "one and only until the end of all time" or whatever. So I get that.

                  I think that dom/sub can aslo exist without kink/bdsm. People forget that Dom/sub stuff is far more subtle -- about who has power in certain circumstances (though honestly, subs hold all of the power in actuality, but lets not get too complex). And i think if people were to depict a normal dom/sub relationship with how the whole process outlines consensually, it would be a boring story.

                  Stories are heightened drama. That's just what they are. Which means there has to be more of a 'somethingness' to it -- the risk of something going terribly awry.

                  I liked Diana Gabaldon's Outlander series, and in the first book, the man beats his wife. He does this probably a handful of times through the text -- but women get beat up a lot in the text. It's contextualized, explained, etc -- and while the heroine is bothered by it (being a 20th century woman in a 18th century world), there's also a point where she excuses/makes peace with it, out of love and also not ahving any viable alternatives per se.

                  I question whether those scenes were necessary, but they are explained (in the text) as being contextual and important "for her safety overall" and some other something that I can't recall.

                  Anyway, I'm rambling now.

                  Perhaps people just also need to be taught how to be more media savvy? How to read and understand heightened drama and specific story motifs, rather than going "yes, that's the love that I want?"

                  Comment


                  • Here's a little Pandaloonery (with added Spiffy Slide-ish element) for your general entertainment:

                    http://www.neatorama.com/2012/07/04/...as-on-a-slide/

                    WHERE IS EVERYONE???
                    I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.

                    Oscar Wilde

                    Comment


                    • Originally posted by Sigi View Post
                      WHERE IS EVERYONE???
                      Gay Panda is currently in Lady Friend's office at work because this morning there was a Battle Royale between the following contestants:

                      GAY PANDA'S LAPTOP vs. PORK CHOP/EGG BREAKFAST

                      Ironically, I was moving my laptop away from myself in order to not spill on it when I then proceeded to SPILL ON MY NEW LAPTOP. Hysteria ensued, followed by phone calls, flash showering, a long drive, alcohol wipes, prayers to Computer Valhalla, more hysteria, crossed fingers, et cetera.

                      But Lady Friend fixed it, although she humbly passes along the accolades to Our Savior Evaporation.

                      * whew *

                      Gay Panda needs a drink. We are going out to lunch.
                      JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

                      Comment


                      • Our best Laptop vs Liquids battle was when my honey was holding our two month old son after his bath, just loosely wrapped in a towel. Strategic gap in the towel and ZAP! Honey was disassembling that keyboard and wiping everything down with q-tips faster than you could swing a porkchop.

                        Comment


                        • I killed a laptop once with a gin and tonic. It was a sad, sad day. I guess the booze just hit the keyboard a bit wrong and managed to fry the motherboard.

                          Comment


                          • *knock on wood* I've never had this happen... but my kids are good at removing the keys so I think I would be ok if it ever happened... plus the dang thing gets so damned hot it would probably evaporate before they could remove said keys!
                            Primal since March 5, 2012
                            SW: 221 | CW: 204 | LPW: 166 | UGW: 140 (80 lbs loss)



                            Comment


                            • Originally posted by Sigi View Post
                              WHERE IS EVERYONE???
                              I started my own journal and was met with resounding silience. internetz imitates life.
                              *sigh*
                              so it's back to being a wallflower at the cool panda's house. ;-)
                              I like badgers, books and booze, more or less in that order.

                              Comment


                              • Originally posted by badgergirl View Post
                                I started my own journal and was met with resounding silience. internetz imitates life.
                                Don't worry, you're not the only one! I think Panda's so popular just because he's Panda.

                                _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

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