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Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS

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  • If you work in food service, Gay Panda is afraid of you.

    Gay Panda is fearful in general. Having read too much true crime, watched too many episodes of Supernatural, and grown up for a portion of my cubhood in Los Angeles, I am afraid to even answer the door. My heart races when someone knocks, a reaction completely unjustified and out of proportion to my amiable deliveryman. Then it takes me a while to calm down, reminding myself all the while of the improbability of a zombie or serial killer on my porch (and why would they knock?)

    As a cub, I feared in church service that insanity would overtake me, and I would stand on the pew during the sermon and scream the F word. I was so frightened at the prospect of rule breaking that every summer, when my elementary school sent a 50-page Student Guide and Code of Ethics for parents, I sat down industriously at the table to read it cover to cover.

    Students must be current with vaccinations. Check. Hair cannot be of a length or style distracting to others. I ran to the mirror to inspect my own. Check and check. Drug abuse will not be tolerated. I eyed my bottle of Flintstone vitamins warily; sometimes I sneaked a second one in the mornings. Would that show up on urinanalysis? Could a drug dog sniff it on me? If I stopped now, would the proof be out of my system by September 5th? Maybe I should confess.

    I memorized the parking lot safety guidelines. I wondered if betting pennies on board games fell under the rule against gambling. I reminded myself sternly not to drink hard liquor, and that setting fire to the school was prohibited. Did fart jokes qualify as sexual harassment? Not paying attention was listed under minor infractions, but Young Gay Panda was a daydreamer who rarely gave full attention to anything but the more interesting world in my mind. Was that cumulative? Would it add up to a major infraction? Did five daydreams equal one incendiary material? My questions about magical violations like mind reading weren’t even addressed!

    My fears are just as ridiculous now: knocks on the door, imaginary swine flu, rejection letters, loud noises, and people who work in food service. The last, however, is somewhat sensible. After all, I worked in food service for years, and I know what employees are doing in the back. I played Frisbee with frozen pizza dough and was responsible for that boom you heard in 1995, when a daydreaming Teenaged Gay Panda added the cotton candy crystals to the machine at exactly the wrong time*.

    I made a gigantic smiley face on the wall with raw pepperoni, and put another slice over the lens of the security camera trained on my station. Then I peeled it all off and put it on a pizza about to go into the oven. I laughed at the guy who made snowshoes out of the frozen dough, and I am sure that he didn’t throw them into the trash when he was done. And this is what we were doing for fun – it was even worse when customers had pissed us off.

    Customers had no idea that if they were rude to Phyllis, she licked their soft serve cones before she delivered them with her sweet smile. One table was so thoroughly and egregiously obnoxious to Gay Panda (who is ashamed to admit this) that I spiced my coffee jug with martini olives from the bar before serving their twentieth cups with my sweet smile. Roger stomped into the back with a fruit cup, shouting, “THIS DUMB B#!@^ AT TABLE 5 IS ALLERGIC TO WATERMELON!” He proceeded to pull the offending pieces out of the cup with his fingers**, and hurled them at us while we yelled in delight and ran around like fools. Then he returned the fruit cup to Table 5 with his sweet smile***.

    So this is why Gay Panda is afraid to order hamburgers without the bun, or ask to substitute salad for fries. I still haven’t brought myself to do the first, but I have the second, and I do it with excruciating politeness. Karma is waiting in the wings to unload her bitch slap retribution, which I deserve in spades. But retribution is still present when I get a burger with a bun, because then I have to look at it for the duration of my meal and debate if the bloat is going to be worth it. Sometimes I cover it with a lettuce leaf and pretend it’s not there. But I know that it’s there, and it knows that I know.

    Fear rules me. It always has. But at least, in this one case, it is finally legitimate. Thank you, primal.
    JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

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    • UPDATE: (in explanation of *, **, and ***)
      *Miserable in my singlehood, I had been thinking about the perfect bon mot and hair part, and how I had still not managed to parlay them into a date. Cotton candy exploded into the air, filling the Candy Shack with blue froth. Gay Panda was covered from head to foot, and watched in horror as a large clump floated out the service window and attached itself to a woman’s ponytail. She remained unaware and walked on. I have a knack for getting food in other people’s hair.

      **Roger took great pride in never washing his hands after using the restroom. He bragged about this frequently, so to watch his fingers sink into the fruit cup was even more disgusting.

      ***Always, always be wary of a person serving your food with a sweet smile.
      Last edited by Gay Panda; 09-28-2011, 07:54 AM.
      JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

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      • Terrifying. When I worked in food service I got a lecture when I nipped a fry off of a customer's plate about how that was STEALING and I was a THIEF!

        Anyone for filling a room with cotton candy and having a party? with cotton candy cannons and fireworks?

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        • Originally posted by Jennerator View Post
          Anyone for filling a room with cotton candy and having a party? with cotton candy cannons and fireworks?
          ME!!! Just don't put Gay Panda in charge of the cotton candy cannons; I proved my incompetence long ago.
          JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

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          • Originally posted by Gay Panda View Post

            ***Always, always be wary of a person serving your food with a sweet smile.
            So, So true. I had an Aunt that always sent food back when out to eat. I hated going out with her, but as a child I had no choice. Once I became a teen and coincidentally became a bus girl at a local diner, I flat out refused to eat out with her. Yuck! I know that our entire table was probably the target of the wrath caused by that woman.
            Primal since 9/24/2010
            "Our greatest foes, and whom we must chiefly combat, are within." Miguel de Cervantes

            Created by MyFitnessPal.com - Free Weight Loss Tools
            MFP username: MDAPebbles67

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            • Originally posted by Gay Panda View Post
              Now you have two Gay Panda Funny Points. The keychain (which comes with extra fabulousness) is in the mail!
              Whoo Hoo Again!! Now everyone's going to be jealous of me ALMOST as much as they yearn for your sweet Panda hide!
              There are two wolves fighting within a man's heart, one is Love, the other is Hate. The one that wins is the one you feed.

              My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we'll change the world. - Jack Layton

              The Primal Adventures of Griffin - Huzzah!

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              • Originally posted by Gay Panda View Post
                ME!!! Just don't put Gay Panda in charge of the cotton candy cannons; I proved my incompetence long ago.
                Sounds more like you would be the only one qualified to operate it since you have the skill to turn an ordinary cotton candy machine into a cannon!

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                • Originally posted by Pebbles67 View Post
                  So, So true. I had an Aunt that always sent food back when out to eat. I hated going out with her, but as a child I had no choice. Once I became a teen and coincidentally became a bus girl at a local diner, I flat out refused to eat out with her. Yuck! I know that our entire table was probably the target of the wrath caused by that woman.
                  Sometimes knowledge is a terrible thing . . .
                  JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

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                  • Ugh, writing this entry brought up FAR too many memories of Roger. How he didn't wash his hands, his Sock of Grime and Terror, how he had a system for his underwear. Yes, a system. He needed a system because he owned only one pair, and he visited the laundromat only once every two months. I was going to post his system for everyone's entertainment, but then I thought everyone might scream instead and never visit Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS ever again.

                    Let's put it to a vote! Three YES votes for Roger's Underwear System and I'll post it.
                    Last edited by Gay Panda; 09-28-2011, 01:39 PM.
                    JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

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                    • Originally posted by Gay Panda View Post

                      Let's put it to a vote! Three YES votes for Roger's Underwear System and I'll post it.

                      YES and i will always visit Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS, no matter how disturbing learning about Roger's system might be

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                      • Originally posted by Gay Panda View Post
                        Let's put it to a vote! Three YES votes for Roger's Underwear System and I'll post it.
                        Yes, because I'm a sucker for systems. And like newlifejourney, I don't think I could quit reading this journal if I wanted to.
                        My Primal Journal

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                        • We have two YES votes for Roger's Underwear System. One more and it's a go!!!!!
                          JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

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                          • Originally posted by Griffin View Post
                            Whoo Hoo Again!! Now everyone's going to be jealous of me ALMOST as much as they yearn for your sweet Panda hide!
                            It's hard being this damn fine. Everyone wants a piece of me and the paparazzi are literally everywhere I go. But such is my burden to carry through life.
                            JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

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                            • 3rd yes!
                              beautiful
                              yeah you are

                              Baby if you time travel back far enough you can avoid that work because the dust won't be there. You're too pretty to be working that hard.
                              lol

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                              • AWESOME. For those of you who are squeamish, skip the post below about Roger and his underpants system.
                                JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

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