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GAY PANDA: Oh, damn. I forgot the shopping list.
DEBAUCHERY: I REMEMBER EVERYTHING ON IT!!!
GAY PANDA: Good, because I don’t.
DEBAUCHERY: FIRST IS HIPPIE KITKATS!!!
GAY PANDA: Are you sure?
DEBAUCHERY: YES!!! YOU WROTE HIPPIE KITKATS IN REALLY BIG LETTERS!!!
GAY PANDA: Well, okay. One hippie KitKat into the cart!
DEBAUCHERY: SECOND IS HIPPIE MNMS!!!
GAY PANDA: I really don’t think that was on the list.
DEBAUCHERY: PROVE ME WRONG!!!
GAY PANDA: You’re right. I can’t. One hippie-
REMORSE: Debauchery! Stop teasing Gay Panda!
RESOLVE: Neither of those things is on the list.
DEBAUCHERY: THIRD IS HIPPIE PEANUT BUTTER CUPS!!!
GAY PANDA: I think the hippie KitKat is enough. Don’t I need bacon?
DEBAUCHERY: LET’S GET A SLICE OF THAT DELI PIZZA!!!
GAY PANDA: I hate shopping with my id.
DEBAUCHERY: WHAT DID YOU CALL ME??? AN IT??? I’M A GIRL!!!
REMORSE: If you’d eaten before shopping, Debauchery couldn’t shout this loudly.
RESOLVE: If you’d shopped before running out of food, you'd have had something to eat.
DEBAUCHERY: A GIRL!!! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU, GAY PANDA???
GAY PANDA: A panda. Now shut up or I’ll sneeze you off my shoulder.
DEBAUCHERY: FOURTH ON THE LIST IS CADBURY CRÈME EGGS!!!
GAY PANDA: No, I don’t want to go to CVS.
DEBAUCHERY: FIFTH ON THE LIST IS . . . NO, DON’T DO IT!!!
GAY PANDA: Achoo!
REMORSE: There she goes. You know she’ll just fly back.
GAY PANDA: Yes, but we can get away from the candy aisle before she catches up-
DEBAUCHERY: I’M BAAAACK!!! DID YOU MISS ME???
RESOLVE/REMORSE/GAY PANDA: No.
DEBAUCHERY: COME ON, GAY PANDA, YOU’VE BEEN SO GOOD LATELY!!!
GAY PANDA: No, I haven’t! I’m sick and Resolve caught it worse, and then everything went to hell. I haven’t eaten much of anything for days and didn’t even take my supplements. At least I’m not so plugged up sinus-wise this time around. Were grains doing that? I must consult Forum Bro Science.
DEBAUCHERY: THEN BE BAD ONE MORE TIME BEFORE YOU’RE GOOD AGAIN!!!
GAY PANDA: Fine. Dried apricots.
DEBAUCHERY: DO YOU KNOW HOW BORING YOU ARE???
GAY PANDA: I’ve always known how boring I am. You fail to sting me.
DEBAUCHERY: BUT YOU HAVE SAD FACES ON YOUR FEELINGS CHARTS!!!
GAY PANDA: Writing about why I self-published is sad, but I don’t need chocolate to cope.
DEBAUCHERY: I NEED CHOCOLATE TO COPE!!!
GAY PANDA: And so you’re getting the hippie KitKat. Can we move on?
As I was bringing this post to a close, I heard a great chicken commotion in the front yard. Going to investigate, I found Expecto Patronum alone running back and forth in hysterics because she could not figure out how to return to the backyard where her sisters were. She tried to flap over the fence. She ran into Gay Panda’s leg. She tried to wedge herself through a tiny hole in the fence and got her head stuck. She clucked in panic and bolted around like a crazy thing as I tried to herd her into the back, Windows Vista watching on the porch steps and yelling all the while because there is KIBBLE in her bowl (YES, KIBBLE!!!) AND SHE HATES KIBBLE.
Anyway, I finally caught the stupid chicken and carried her around the house and to the backyard to show her where she’d forgotten her friends, and she flapped away from me indignantly while Windows Vista continued to yell about the damn kibble. So now I am at last back at my computer and have lost my train of thought entirely with my Whole Foods post, and so we are just going to end it there.
A: Sitting in a bar with a margarita and pretending I like jazz to convince people I am cool.
B: Dancing to Ke$ha on a pool table around a cue stick with the aluminum rack slung around my neck.
C: Skipping the line outside a snazzy restaurant to tell the hostess "The Panda" is here and wants the best table.
D: Wearing my jammies at home while watching Mystery Science Theater: The Lost Continent.
Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
My Latest Journal
Dear Gay Panda,
I was hunting the forum for high-fat recipes, and I found one I thought you might like for your high-fat days (if you like coconut- sorry, can't remember). It is called the Liquid Fat Bomb, from freetheanimalDOTcom, on 2/20/08, and it is delicious.