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Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS

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  • DEBAUCHERY: WAKE UP, GAY PANDA!!! WAKEUPWAKEUPWAKEUPWAKEUP---
    GAY PANDA: Iím awake, Debauchery. No one sleeps through a Twizzler whipping.
    DEBAUCHERY: DO YOU KNOW WHAT DAY IT IS???
    GAY PANDA: Tuesday.
    DEBAUCHYER: DO YOU KNOW WHAT DAY IT IS???
    GAY PANDA: Valentineís Day. I hate Valentineís Day.
    DEBAUCHERY: DO YOU KNOW WHAT DAY IT IS???
    GAY PANDA: Would you stop dancing on my chest? I know what day it is: Potato Binge Day.

    DEBAUCHERY: ITíS EAT WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT DAY!!! LETíS START WITH A BOWL OF LUCKY CHARMS!!!
    GAY PANDA: Um, no. That will just make me sick. Iím having cheese and a pork chop for breakfast. And some heavy cream and dark chocolate. And Iím not weighing.
    DEBAUCHERY: BUT--- BUT THATíS NOT EVEN INTERESTING!!! LETíS HAVE WAFFLES!!!
    GAY PANDA: Every time I have gluten, I end up circling sad faces on my feelings charts. The Cave Troll of Depression pays a call and the jungle drums of a headache start beating, and then I canít write. And I have to write, Debauchery. My subconscious woke me up from a zombie nightmare at 4:18 to alert me to the fact that I used a very similar phrase on page 279 to one I used on page 601 of the book Iím editing. I honestly donít care, and no one is ever going to notice, but in gratitude for being woken from the zombie dream, I will fix it today.

    DEBAUCHERY: GET TO THE PART WHERE WE HAVE LUNCH!!!
    GAY PANDA: Whole Foods has stopped putting potatoes in their hot bar. Now itís three kinds of rice and wrinkled veggies and a tray of What You DONíT Do With Chicken. Iíll have to buy potatoes and mash them myself, and find a gravy powder. This isnít going to happen before lunch. You know what? Fighting zombies is good exercise. I woke up with my heart pounding. So I guess I donít need to get on the primal treadmill.
    RESOLVE: You need to weigh so I can enter it on the spreadsheet.
    GAY PANDA: No, Gay Pandaís body is in a rut. I want a day of not looking at the scale.
    DEBAUCHERY: LETíS GET A BURRITO!!!
    GAY PANDA: Why is it my long-awaited Binge Day and Iím not excited? Iíll go to the store this afternoon and get potato fixings, Iíll buy some gluten-free candy, and thatís it. Food isnít feeling very rewarding. Itís just food. Maybe Iíll drive half an hour to my favorite burrito place, but I doubt it. Those zombies just wore me out. They trapped me on the roof of a building in the middle of a scorching summer, and as I blocked the door to keep them from breaking in, I realized in despair that I had no sunscreen. Gay Panda burns easily.

    REMORSE: Oh, for Valhallaís sake, Gay Panda.
    GAY PANDA: I donít control my dreams.
    DEBAUCHERY: YOUR DAY SUCKS, GAY PANDA!!! GET WITH THE BINGEING!!!
    GAY PANDA: No, I like when food is not my lord and master. Letís enjoy a potato and some hippie KitKats and get back to writing. Writing is more rewarding than food anyway.
    DEBAUCHERY: REMEMBER THE WEEKEND??? YOU HAD TO TALK TO ONE OF YOUR LEAST FAVORITE PEOPLE AT A RESTAURANT!!! LETíS GET MARGARITAS TO COPE!!!
    GAY PANDA: Thatís true. Mrs. Woodpecker is on the Top 10 List of people Gay Panda NEVER EVER EVER wants to see, and there she was at the very next table wanting to chat about the good old days when she was my boss. But I donít have to work with her any longer, taking cover from the hail of her idiocy day by day, and so your ploy is lame and ineffective.

    REMORSE: Even potatoes and gluten-free candy will mess you up.
    GAY PANDA: I want one day a month to eat whatever pleases me. Potatoes and hippie KitKats donít make me ill. What the zombies did to me when they broke in was worse. Ugh, at least treat your festering lesions with an anti-bacterial spray before you attack me! I have OCD. And a sunburn.
    REMORSE: You make me tired, Gay Panda, so very tired. I want to ride around on someone elseís shoulder. Resolve? Debauchery? Agreed.
    Last edited by Gay Panda; 02-14-2012, 10:57 AM.
    JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

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    • ***** SEEKING A FOREVER HOME *****

      Resolve - 6Ē tall, age: 45. Will organize every facet of your primal journey from grocery shopping to keeping tabs on your weight loss/muscle growth.

      Remorse Ė 6.1Ē tall, age: 41. Will make you feel tremendously guilty every time you stray from the primal path, and rub it in when you inevitably become ill.

      Debauchery Ė 5.5Ē tall, age: FOREVER 29!!! HERE TO GET IN THE WAY OF EATING WELL AND TO GIVE YOUR LIFE A MUCH-NEEDED SPRINKLE OF SNAZZY!!!
      JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

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      • I'll add to that list:
        Depression- 8'9", age: 61. Will keep you alert to Murphy's Law, the negative side of the world, and exactly what to do if you fuck up something minor and need to kill yourself in a thoroughly new and inventive way.
        ADHD- height and weight unknown as it doesn't sit still long enough to be measured. Will give you plenty of energy when you need it least and will point out every squirrel, shiny object, and piece of fuzz on the carpet when you're trying to concentrate.
        Bacchus- 5'3", 1026 lb, age: 21 FOR ALWAYS AND EVER!!! Forever interested in parties, horrid food, booze, candy, and acts of questionable morality and seeking your partnership in fun.
        Alexander the Great- 5'2", age: 27. The engineer always seeking to ruin your fun with thoughts of math, logic and pragmatism. Always seeking to expand past his current borders into whatever activity you're doing using the stupid fluffy side of the brain.
        Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
        My Latest Journal

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        • *gasp*
          *gasp*
          *wheeeeeze*





          Ahhhhhh........Panda Fix!
          Cooking Primal with Otter - Journal
          Otter's (Defunct) Primal Log
          "Not baked goods, Professor, baked bads!" ~ The Tick

          Comment


          • gay panda, you are such a tease. you'd make an excellent burlesque performer *nodnod* but i never really flounced away, i was practicing my acting so that one day i might join the ranks of meryl streep etc. i think i'm almost there!

            also, count me out for potential buyers of debauchery, remorse and resolve. i have my own O.O
            beautiful
            yeah you are

            Baby if you time travel back far enough you can avoid that work because the dust won't be there. You're too pretty to be working that hard.
            lol

            Comment


            • Originally posted by bloodorchid View Post
              also, count me out for potential buyers of debauchery, remorse and resolve. i have my own O.O
              Oh, you don't have to BUY them, bloodorchid. I will GIVE them to you. In fact, they are flying your way now. Thanks!!!
              JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

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              • Originally posted by Gay Panda View Post
                Oh, you don't have to BUY them, bloodorchid. I will GIVE them to you. In fact, they are flying your way now. Thanks!!!
                NONONONONONONOOOOOOOOOO!!!! MeMeMeMeMeMeMe!!!!! I need Resolve! Desperately! Bloodorchid, pleeeeease be a sweetie-possum-pie and share!

                ::: tiny moue of anguish, accompanied by fluttering eyelashes :::
                I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.

                Oscar Wilde

                Comment


                • Originally posted by Sigi View Post
                  NONONONONONONOOOOOOOOOO!!!! MeMeMeMeMeMeMe!!!!! I need Resolve! Desperately! Bloodorchid, pleeeeease be a sweetie-possum-pie and share!

                  ::: tiny moue of anguish, accompanied by fluttering eyelashes :::
                  If he won't ship you Resolve, I can send you Alexander the Great. It works alomst as well.
                  Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
                  My Latest Journal

                  Comment


                  • that's not cool, yo o.o

                    *slams windows and buys plenty of large cats*
                    beautiful
                    yeah you are

                    Baby if you time travel back far enough you can avoid that work because the dust won't be there. You're too pretty to be working that hard.
                    lol

                    Comment


                    • Originally posted by bloodorchid View Post
                      that's not cool, yo o.o

                      *slams windows and buys plenty of large cats*
                      All right, Resolve has been rerouted to Sigi! Quick, someone, anyone, won't you take Remorse and Debauchery? They're blowing raspberries on bloodorchid's windows!!!
                      JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

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                      • I got plenty of Remorse thanks to my own Debauchery, who is even floozier than yours and is feeling pretty smug right now, having forced some serious easter creme egg consumption this afternoon. I swear Remorse pays Debauchery to try extra-hard so he can stay in business.

                        Comment


                        • Originally posted by spughy View Post
                          I swear Remorse pays Debauchery to try extra-hard so he can stay in business.
                          Yah, they're a bitch of a double-act. Let's re-route them to one of those skinny, muscled boys on the forum with perfectly behaved hormones, who are always telling us that what we need is a big carb re-feed ...
                          I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.

                          Oscar Wilde

                          Comment


                          • ::: shyly sidles up to Gay Panda :::


                            *** SPOILER ALERT ***

                            I just finished your book, dear Panda. I had to readitveryfastbecauseaaaarrgghh! IneededtoknowwhatwasgoingtohappennextrightNOW (next time I will read it more deliberately and appreciate your language more, I promise). I thought the storyline was fascinating though the time jumps messed with my head a bit at first, LOL. And I cried a bit in the chapter at the end about the Dammerung Project. MATCH! MATCH! MATCH! And I loved your exploration of labelling and sexual identification too.

                            A great accomplishment - I look forward to your next publications!

                            ::: sidles away :::
                            Last edited by Sigi; 02-15-2012, 01:36 PM.
                            I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.

                            Oscar Wilde

                            Comment


                            • Dear Gay Panda,
                              Still reading through your posts ('m FORCING myself to stop now and then, you know, for life).
                              The thrill of meeting LadyFriend, and now the sorrow of PrimalCoachKitty's death.
                              No hugs, as there WAS swine flu in my town last year, but a respectful head-bow to you, GayPanda. I feel both bad that I couldn't offer my sympathies at the time, and glad that as I am a few weeks late, the bite of her death might be less. Hope you are doing well.
                              Sabine

                              Comment


                              • DEBAUCHERY: WE’RE BAAAAAACK!!! OPEN THE WINDOW!!! OPENOPENOPEN---
                                GAY PANDA: Dammit, I’m tired of you.
                                REMORSE: Trust me, the feeling is mutual. So, let’s see, you’re sick! Why is Gay Panda sick, boys and girls? Look at the spreadsheets of yesterday’s Panda Menu, Resolve.
                                RESOLVE: Cornbread isn’t primal, Gay Panda.
                                DEBAUCHERY: LET’S MAKE TODAY BINGE DAY THE SEQUEL!!!
                                GAY PANDA: Oh, dear Valhalla, no.
                                RESOLVE: Yesterday’s breakfast was a pork chop, cheese, heavy cream, and half a bar of dark chocolate. Lunch was another third of the bar of dark chocolate and . . . that’s it?
                                GAY PANDA: I was writing a very exciting scene.
                                REMORSE: So I guess we know what happened next when you went to Whole Foods. Resolve?

                                RESOLVE: Two bottles of San Pellegrino, two Hippie KitKats, one package of Hippie Peanut Butter Cups, one package of Hippie MnMs, a slab of cornbread, three potatoes, and powdered gravy.
                                GAY PANDA: The music at Whole Foods was circling sad faces on my feelings charts.
                                REMORSE: Really? You’re blaming your bad choice on sad music at Whole Foods?
                                GAY PANDA: It was really sad. The cornbread was such a cheerful color. I bought the smallest one.
                                REMORSE: What were the dimensions of the smallest piece, Resolve?
                                GAY PANDA: Oh, come on! Don’t tell me you measure my food!
                                RESOLVE: The cornbread measured 4 x 3 x 1.5.
                                GAY PANDA: Look, I didn’t realize how hungry I was at the time! I spent all day writing a scene about a beautiful murderer, and that’s more interesting than food.
                                RESOLVE: Apparently, it was also more interesting than a visit to the can.
                                GAY PANDA: I DON’T LIKE BEING INTERRUPTED BY ANYTHING WHEN I’M WRITING!!!

                                REMORSE: You knew the cornbread would make you sick.
                                GAY PANDA: It was so small.
                                RESOLVE: So is Mount McKinley when compared to Everest. But McKinley is still a mountain.
                                GAY PANDA: Stop being unintentionally snide. I could have done worse. You should be proud of me, a hungry panda in a store of sadness. I went home and put a cross-rib roast in the oven to go with the mashed potatoes and all I ate were the peanut butter cups. I even alleviated my sad faces by blasting Ke$- I mean, Phantom of the Opera, on my laptop while I cooked.
                                DEBAUCHERY: DID YOU HEAR HER SONG BLOW??? I LOVE THAT ONE!!! THIS PLACE IS ABOUT TO BLOW OH-OH-OH-OH!!!
                                GAY PANDA: It’s great, isn’t it, Debauchery? Let’s put it on right now.
                                REMORSE: Well, you should have heard what bloodorchid was playing at her place. That’s why we came back.
                                RESOLVE: Dinner was a hunk of roast measuring 4 x 2.75 x 1.25, a single Hippie KitKat, less than a potato’s worth of mashed potatoes, one lick of reconstituted gravy before it was scraped off and discarded, and a third of the cornbread slathered in butter.

                                REMORSE: And how did that sit with you?
                                GAY PANDA: Oh, you can guess. The potatoes didn’t taste very good. I don’t know why, but I’m going to blame the potatoes. So I stopped eating them. The gravy was vile. The roast was delicious, as was the Hippie KitKat, and the cornbread circled happy faces on my feelings charts, and then circled sad ones only minutes later. I gave some of the remainder to the chickens.
                                REMORSE: And after that?
                                GAY PANDA: I felt awful, so go ahead and rub it in. Then I had insomnia for most of the night. This morning I ate the rest of the candy and now I’m done. I’d like to sleep, but much like preparing meals and visiting the can, it interferes with my writing time.
                                REMORSE: Maybe if you ate more regularly, you’d make better decisions at Whole Foods. Maybe if you turned off your computer at eight o’clock, you’d get to sleep more easily. Maybe if-
                                GAY PANDA: Maybe if I turned up the volume, Ke$ha would drown you out.
                                REMORSE: But I’ll still be here on your shoulder, Gay Panda. I’ll always be here.
                                Last edited by Gay Panda; 02-15-2012, 10:33 AM.
                                JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!

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