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Mellabella's Meaty Meanderings

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  • Mellabella's Meaty Meanderings

    So here I go.....

    I've been a voyeaur for several months now and thought it was time to actually join in! I'm a 33 year old mother of two daughters, divorced (ok, ok almost....), and professionally employed in a job that keeps me traveling about 3 - 4 days per week, 5 out of 6 weeks. I've always struggled with my weight like so many of you. Growing up I was the chubby little girl who hid Little Debbie and Hostess treats in my bedroom and would eat them by the boxful in a weekend. I sought comfort in food throughout my entire life. When I went to college I was skinny, skinny weighing less than 100 pounds. I had achieved that through severe calorie restriction and anorexia. And it lasted about ten minutes! By the time I was in my mid 20s I was married (mistake ) and heavy! I am 5'1" and weighted around 155.

    I got pregnant in my late 20s and was my highest weight at around 165-170. After I gave birth to my daughter I decided that I now had a responsibility to my daughter to develop a healthy relationship with food and take better care of myself. Through CW and crazy cardio I dropped the weight and by the time I was pregnant with my second a mere year later I was down to 130. I gained a respectable 30 pounds with my second daughter and after she was born began to drop the weight in the same way. It was always a struggle and I had a classic addiction to sugar, sugar, sugar....carbs, carbs, carbs. It was a vicious cycle of cravings, feeling deprived, giving in, and then feeling guilty.

    In January of 2011 I started working with a trainer for the first time. I had moved out of my house and we had started our divorce. She introduced me to strength training for the first time. I was hooked! She also tried to get me to go on this detox and then crazy restrictive diet. I didn't but I knew I had to try something new. One weekend I was researching on the internet and stumbled on this website. That was April. It all made sense to me! And that's when I began primal. The first month I followed the diet plan pretty consistently. The rest of, probably not so much.

    It's now August 21st and I would say I'm primal at best 50% of the time. I lift heavy things, I move slowly (although not enough), I keep my brain stimulated, and I try to get sunlight every day. My main challenges:
    1. Sleep..... Sometimes it's good. But since the divorce I would say I suffer chronic insomnia. I do notice when I'm stricter with my diet I sleep much better. But, my travel often takes me through different time zones, business dinners and early morning meetings. That coupled with the stress I currently have as a result of my personal life just makes this a challenge.
    2. Stress.... It really has been a tough year. Most days I just try and focus on the fact that I've gotten out of bed every morning, been a good mom, gotten a promotion at work, and not gained weight. Things will get better. Everything is temporary. But, for now, my life is what it is.
    3. I eat out A LOT! That's what happens when you live in a hotel. When I'm home I cook with coconut oil, butter, and olive oil. Who the heck knows how my food is prepared when I'm out. I have no problem ordering off menu but have yet to request the method of cooking.
    4. I'm still a sugar addict. I'll be perfect for a day or two and then I cave. Last night I had two sugar cookies that the girls and I made and a small scoop of ice cream. I was up half the night because my tummy was SOOOO sick. And that's really why I decided to start this journal today. I need some accountability.
    5. Play more. I play with my girls on the weekends but I need to learn to incorporate more fun into my life even when I'm traveling. It's important for my sanity and for my health. (I seriously do work too much.)

    Currently I weigh in at 119 pounds and fit into a size 4 - 6 depending on the brand. I recognize that this probably seems "small" to many people, but really there is quite a bit of padding on me. I have muscle definition but still have held on to quite a bit of fat. My goal isn't to lose weight. I no longer focus on that (what an accomplishment to be able to say that!!!). My goals are:
    1. More muscle definition and less fat (LOOK GOOD NAKED, not just in clothes)
    2. Kick the sugar habit! Stay true to primal.
    3. Get more consistent sleep and rest.
    4. Play more.

    Overall, I just want to take care of myself. The next few months are going to be even more stressful. Divorce wrapping up, my ex is moving in with his girlfriend and my daughters will be far away from me for now. So, here I am. Trying to hold myself accountable because the end result will be a better, healthier me!

  • #2
    All in all a really good Sunday despite the fact that I was awake from 2:30 am until a little after 5am. And my 4 yo woke up around 6:30a. She is so sweet. She will come into my bedroom and crawl into bed, cuddle with me and then give me a kiss. Then she goes and turns on the TV in the living room, after closing my door. I always wake up but it's still so sweet.

    Breakfast - 2 eggs cooked in butter and 3 slices bacon
    Lunch - pot roast leftovers and roasted brussel sprouts (one of my faves); a third of a banana with almond butter (LOVE almond butter)
    Dinner - first time making it. I used 85% ground beef, 3 types of cheese, spinach and spaghetti sauce. It was delish. I do need to make sure I keep sugar free pizza/spaghetti sauce around though.

    Oh, and a glass of wine.

    The girls and I went for a SLOW walk this morning. My 2 yo always makes sure our walks are super slow. She is in her own world and likes to admire every single flower on our way and say "quack" to the ducks in the river. Then we went shopping and got my older one her first day of preschool outfit and a new backpack. She is so excited. After lunch and nap time we had a spa day. Facials, manis and pedis.

    And, I rested. On the weekends I usually lay down with the girls during nap time. Prior to going primal I would almost always fall asleep for a good hour. I don't anymore. I rest for a little while and then get up and just relax until after nap. I will miss nap time as they get older.

    Now, time for Nemo and cuddling. No matter what else is going on in my life, one thing is for sure....I am so, so lucky to have those two little girls. They are my sweet, sweet angels.


    • #3
      Hi and welcome. I've just done the Leptin-reset, and I'm wondering if that might be a helpful thing for you to do? It helps with the sleep and sugar-cravings. I'd take Natural Calm or a magnesium-supplement before bed too, that might improve your sleep alot.


      • #4
        What's Natural Calm? I've def seen the leptin reset all through the forum. I've considered it for sure. Thanks!


        • #5
          Originally posted by Mellabella View Post
          What's Natural Calm? I've def seen the leptin reset all through the forum. I've considered it for sure. Thanks!
          I just finished after 6 weeks and was lucky to reach LS quickly. I was really bad with sugar and cravings, hence I'd put in my 2 cents worth. I have had no cravings since sorting out my hormones.


          • #6
            Natural Calm is a sleep-aiding consisting of natural ingredients such as magnesium.


            • #7
              Thanks Glamorama!

              I got an amazing 9 hours of sleep last night. It's amazing the power of sleep!! My plan for today is...
              B - 2 scrambled eggs, pot roast and brussel sprouts
              L - Salad with romaine, spinach, peppers, artichoke hearts, avacado, tomato & full fat greek yogurt with almond butter and berries
              D - leftover heroin wings & maetza with some veggie.....

              Yummy day!


              • #8
                I have nothing to add besides saying, "Welcome" and that your journal name rocks.


                • #9
                  A pretty good day food wise. I ate the plan but then added a piece of Lindt 86% chocolate and a glass of wine. I actually tracked and the calories are high. I know I shouldn't track and I usually don't. Whenever I feel like I'm slipping I will track for about a week just to hold myself accountable. It usually helps. I'll prob track for a few more days and then be good. It really does make me reconsier eating things I know will make me feel icky!

                  And no, the day was not perfect. But, I'm actually quite proud today. It was a bad day....found out I've been driving without car insurance because my soon to be ex lost his license a few months back and got kicked off the insurance. We were still on the same policy apparently so they cancelled the policy...a flippin month ago. Talk about unexpected stress. It just doesn't end with this situation. ...this too shall pass...everything is temporary.... (that's my mantra) Anyway, I'm an emotional eater and I'm happy I didn't hit up the peanut butter M&M jar in the office.


                  • #10
                    It's almost 5am and I've been awake since 2:30am. I never suffered insomnia like this until the past year. It will get better. It has to get better. I'm just tired of being tired. My tummy has been hurting. And I'm feeling quite bloated. It's probably coming up to TOM which contributes. My food choices have been good the past few days. If I think back to the two days where my tummy was really hurting they have this in common: high fat (like really high, higher than normal) and white wine. I'm cutting out the white wine. I'm usually a red drinker but when it's hot I tend to go to white. It's starting to cool down so I can switch back over to red but I think I will go a few days without any. I don't have a problem, but I do enjoy a glass while I am cooking! But, I should probably save it for 2 - 3 times per week, 1 glass. (I rarely drink more than one glass...I'm a lightweight!) And the fat, between the maetza, the heroin wings and maybe even the pot roast, my fat intake has been insanely high. I think I will try some leaner meats more often than not. I know fat is good for me and I won't cut it out. But, I also know that my tummy is not happy with me so I need to experiment until I find what works for my body!

                    Oh, and this afternoon I played! I went for a walk during work with a co-worker. It's so nice not to be traveling this week. In fact, I think I will be able to not travel a lot for the next few weeks which will be a great way to recharge. So much going on in my life...I need to take care of myself. Anyway, I had to come home early today and so before dinner, I took my girls outside to the park and we ran around and just played in the sun. The weather was perfect. Not humid, warm but not hot, sunny. It was great. I did notice though that my energy was a bit lacking. I'm work out regularly typically lifting weights 2 days per week, sprints 1-2 days per week, and light cardio 2-3 days. Today though, in the park, I felt exhausted. I'm guessing it's a combo of stress, fatigue and my body changing from burning carbs to fat considering I had not been true to my healthy eating the past few weeks. Every time I slip back into old patters, it's like starting all over again.

                    I should be able to walk again today during lunch. Then, maybe get outside with the girls before dinner again. It's nice to be able to do that with them. Although, sometimes I am just so, so tired. It's nice to have them all week. Also very rare. I feel really spoiled this week.

                    I can't believe I actually have to get up in an hour..... Another day without sleep. Blah.


                    • #11
                      So, not a bad day.
                      B - pork loin roast, 2 scrambled eggs, carrots, onion
                      L - salad of artichoke hearts and green/red peppers, full fat greek yogurt wtih almond butter, cherries
                      D - leftover maetza and heroin wings (the last of them!) and roasted brussel sprouts .... then I had 100% ghiradelli chocolate with a tiny bit of raw honey and almond butter.

                      I had several moments of feeling lightheaded and dizzy today. I felt sweaty. I typically only sweat during work outs but the last few days, I just sweat. And have felt run down. I think it's partly do to my schedule and simply needing a break but I also wonder if I'm a bit carb fluish. This is the lowest I've had them in months and I remember when I first started this WOE I sweat the first few days. Eh, we will see if it gets better. My brain hasn't felt overly clear and I had to take lots of breaks while I was crunching data today. Also atypical.

                      I'm hoping for a good night sleep! Reading the website today it struck me when I read that you prob won't lose weight until you are getting the requisite rest. Perhaps that's why this fat has been so darn stubborn. Things will get better. They have to. I think things are on the up. I just have to get through the next few months. The good thing is that I am truly scheduling "time" to take care of myself which is a first for me. But, I've also never felt so exhausted physically, emotionally and intellectually as I have over the past several months. And it just gets worse.

                      I haven't had much belly pain since this morning. And, I did not pick up any more wine so I will give the next few days a go and see how I feel. I def feel bloated and puffy. But, that's less about food and more about other stuff. The good thing is that my PMS was significantly less this month. I usually start about 2 weeks before and get major hunger, cravings, irritability, emotional for almost a week. I got a fraction this time around. That's very nice for sure!

                      Now, hopefully I don't get hungry for the rest of the night! I always eat a much earlier dinner when I have my girls!


                      • #12
                        Decent sleep last night! I was so tired I fell asleep by 8:45 I think. I woke up and was convinced it was 1am or so and got so annoyed because the person that lives upstairs was vaccuuming. I looked at the clock....9:38! Weird. And I'm wondering if she is a meth addict or vaccuumed for about 30 minutes. She would turn it off, I would sigh with relief, and then she would turn it back on. I finally fell back asleep. I then woke up at 5:15 am and didn't think I would fall asleep again but I did and next thing I knew it was 6am. So I tossed and turned and I go from kicking off the covers to being freezing. (Probably good I'm single and sleep alone! I'd make for a horrible bedmate right now.) But, I slept. And that feels amazing!

                        Yesterday I did get out for a 2 mile walk and also played outside with the girls after work. It was a stressful day but if I can get through the next two days at work, that stress SHOULD lessen as a major project will be complete. For now at least.

                        No tummy ache. YAY. Still sweaty. I hate that. I hope it's just my metabolism/body adapting and it goes away. It's really annoying and feels gross. (I'm a bit of a girlie girl despite the copious amounts of meat, bacon and fat that I ingest!)


                        • #13
                          B - pork roast, scrambled egg, carrots and onion
                          L - salad with romaine, spinach, tomato, avacado, cucumber and peppers; ff greek yogurt with almond butter
                          D - chicken roasted in coconut oil - drumstick, thigh and wing; spinach with butter; 100 chocolate with raw honey and almond butter
                          glass of red

                          Ok, so I had the wine despite my commitment to not. It was a conscious choice. Ok, and a bit of rationalizing! (Hey, if that was an olympic sport I would be on the podium.) Today at work we had Ben & Jerry's in for sundaes....B&J ice cream, lots of gooey toppings...... DROOL..... I avoided it in the beginning as I had not yet eaten my lunch (it was around 2) and figured any ice cream/sweets on an empty tummy would be make me really sick. So then I had a meeting with a co-worker and she has her sundae while I'm eating my salad and yogurt. And the cravings started to hit. I thought of how creamy and sweet it would taste. I kept reminding myself of how sick that stupid sugar cookie had made me and how far I've come in kicking the sugar cravings over the past week. But wow...I really started to cave. I was THIS close to getting one after the meeting. But, as we were wrapping up the discussion I watched the Ben and Jerry employees leave with their giant coolers. I was slightly disappointed but mostly relieved. By the time the day ended I was just relieved and had no disappointment.

                          I made brownies with the girls today and did not lick the bowl and did not eat one. They are sitting there on the counter and I'm only mildly tempted actually. I know how fudgy and chocolately it would taste but it's not worth it. Poor sleep, belly ache, guilt, fatigue..... So, I had the baking chocolate with raw honey and almond butter. That seems to be my new treat. The chocolate is unsweetened so I can't eat a lot of it. Really rich. And the raw honey adds just enough sweetness and the almond butter makes it rich and creamy.

                          I went for a 2 mile walk today. Did not get outside to play with the girls but that's ok. I'm tired but a good tired.

                          Oh, and interesting.....last night my leg muscles had felt like I worked them out just a little and I really hadn't. A light walk is hardly a work out. I was slightly less sweaty and icky today. But still a bit. I'm waiting for the boat loads of energy and the muscles. It will come. Just have to stay the course.


                          • #14
                            B - pork loin, 1/2 roasted chicken breast in coconut oil, carrots, onion
                            L - FF greek yogurt & almond butter, cherries, salad of tomato cucumber and avacado
                            S - almonds and cashews
                            D - 1 roasted drumstick and 1/3 chicken breast; brussel sprouts

                            I avoided temptation this evening with the brownies. I really wanted them. Last night I couldn't care but tonight I CARED. I was hoping that by now I would have gotten over most of the cravings. But, I'm tired after yet another night of poor sleep. That def takes away my self control. This afternoon at work I was hungry and I was so happy to have raw almonds in my desk. It helped stave off hunger until I got home and then I was starving again! I chewed on a handful of raw cashews while I made the girls their supper. That helped but by the time I sat down to eat my dinner (just now) I was barely hungry. Funny thing about chicken....I eat it SOOO much when I'm traveling and eating out that I never want it when I'm home. I actually rarely cook it myself. Although, I love the rotisserie chickens that are pre cooked in the supermarket.

                            I went for a 2 mile walk today during lunch time. Then later one of my co-workers wanted to walk so I went with her. We maybe did a mile and it ended up raining so I had an ad hoc super sprint at the end to try and avoid the rain. Our office is spread among two buildings that are close but not adjoined. Anyway, I made it back to our building and she didn't. She said later, "how do you run like that?". That was kinda cool. She's not overweight at all, actually quite thin. I suppose skinny fat. I haven't lifted at all this week which is atypical. I had planned that for a couple reasons. First, having my girls makes it more difficult. And second, my body recently has been really tired so I thought I needed a rest. It felt good to sprint which I think is telling me my body is ready to move more than just a short walk!

                            My body was less achey today but during my noon walk, my legs felt like bricks. Right now my body feels exhausted. I was slightly less sweaty but after I ate my dinner I just felt my internal temperature rise. During my walk I def sweat more than usual. I hope this is my body just moving into burning fat instead of carbs mode and reaching more of a stabilization. Interstingly, today I felt more bloated than usual. I would not have expected that. I don't weigh myself typically but I think it might be a good idea to start tracking measurements.

                            Anyway, I'm just going to keep at it. The reality is that today is only day 5 of being really good and I need to give my body time to adjust and see how it goes. I'm anxiously awaiting the crazy amounts of energy..... I do recognize that may not come until after I'm getting regular sleep. SIGH.........


                            • #15
                              Awesome night of sleep. Simply awesome. The best one I've had in a super long time. I was asleep by 9p and woke up at 11:30 b/c my youngest had a bad dream and came to get me b/c "I scared Mommy". I put her back to bed and laid down with her for a few minutes while she calmed down and then went back to bed. I was worried I wouldn't fall back asleep easily but I did! And I woke up a little before was blissfully quiet. I laid in bed until my older daughter woke up and came in to get me. I actually felt truly rested when I woke up. My body feels great kinda like it's ready for a good work out. I think this past week of only walking was exactly what I needed to recharge. And spending some quality time with my girls as the summer ends. I just feel really good this morning. Today the girls go back to their dad and while I know I will miss them I am looking forward to having some quality me time!

                              This morning the girls and I will either go to a museum or the playground. Probably the musuem since I will be moving soon and it will be our last chance. Then I might be going out on the boat of a co-worker assuming it doesn't get cancelled. That will be really nice and relaxing. Unfortunately, who knows what kind of food he will be stocking but I'll figure it out. I've come really far this week so I know I will be good! Then maybe hang out and watch a movie tonight. This weekend will be some good work outs, a little bit of shopping, and a lot of relaxing. Oh, and a I have a 90 minute deep tissue massage and a facial scheduled tomorrow. I've certainly earned it.

                              My major stressful project came to a successful close yesterday at work. I'm hoping that will help my stress levels. It might be one of the reasons for my deep sleep actually! Work has been incredibly busy and stressful this year. Today is the first vacation day I've taken all year just because of how busy it's been. But, things are coming together and the month of September I've committed to myself to relax more. I have a week and a half vacation planned with my mom and the girls in Virginia Beach in the middle of the month! And next Friday I am taking the day off again and spending it with a girl friend at her lake house just the two of us. I'm not traveling until after my vacation except a quick trip to CT. Next year I can't allow myself to go like this. But, considering how stressful my personal life has been...the divorce and all...I think I just went head first into work as an escape. I guess I needed that.

                              Also, feel a ton less bloated this morning! I'm guessing it's the solid week of eating and finally a good night sleep catching up with me.

                              ....And my morning has officially began with a two year old throwing a major tantrum and screeching at the top of her lungs.... Good things she's cute.