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  • #61
    Captains Log:
    Supplemental

    "You proceed from a false assumption..." - Captain Spock

    Ok so here is my new rant. Well to be honest it is an old rant. The scarce actual reseach on the substrate we term "fat" we have all seem the famous five pound blobv of fat and we have all become concinved that it is the enemy. I hope some of you who read that have gotten up to speed to question that common belief, however i am going to dive deeper.

    For the past several weeks it has come to my attention time and again that we need to deconstruct and reconstuct our understanding of this topic. I actually have become opposed to using the term FAT at all. I strive to be as clear as possible in all my communications and the term fat is not only overloaded* it is also inherently incorrect.

    What we really know
    I will not touch on eveything we know i dont want to spend that kind of time. but we do know that FREE FATTY ACIDS are bound together in differing chains and MAY BE stored in ADIPOSE TISSUE. There are two factors here, the FFA and the Adipose Tissue.
    We know that each individual has a proportion of specialized cells that are designed to contain FFA other cells may hold FFA's however to thier detriment. These Adipose cells preform double duty. in addition to storing unsused FFA's for later use they are also the only cells in the human body adapted survive under prolonged exposure to toxic waste. and as such any toxins not removed via the waster system in a timely manner will be stored in these specialized cell so that YOU DONT DIE.

    So what do I see as the Myth
    We run around thinking that all we see in the mirror ( or think we see as we wont look ) is either water muscle or fat. YET THE FACT IS that we have a high level of toxins in our bodies. for some of us ( raises hand) who were "gifted" with additional adipose tissue we cruis along through life full of toxins but unharmed otherwise as the cells do thier job. Others get some symptom presenting such as Type 2 Diabeties, hypertention, etc.

    What I suspect
    I suspect that nobody is over fat, by strict definition. Yes our adipose cells are full but full of what. Toxins. perhaps fat is an additional buffer to safe the toxins and so we accumulate more fat but when you release the toxins youalso reduce Pounds and Inches, and thus Fat.
    I will say it again. I do not beleive the Human Organism is capable ( in health) of becoming over fat no matter how you look at it. it is only in disease that the human organism becomes "fat"

    Final words
    Look to your health in terms of eliminating incoming toxins and removing currently stored toxins. it is only after that has been accomplish that you can decide how to "shape" your body and even that will have limits, however that is a topic for another post.

    * by overloaded i am borrowing a CS term. It means more than one definition implied in a single word.
    Optimum Health powered by Actualized Self-Knowledge.

    Predator not Prey
    Paleo Ketogenic Lifestyle

    CW 315 | SW 506
    Current Jeans 46 | Starting Jeans 66


    Contact me: quelsen@gmail.com

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    • #62
      Captains Log:
      Stardate: 05045.0757

      Where do I even start.
      This shoudl be a post about my side of bveef i took delivery on. I could be about how well drum class went last night. Hell it could be about my midnight rendevous.
      Alas no. I felt a disturbance in the force yesterday, evene commented aloud that i did, but i didnt know what it was about, so i shelved it. I am perfectly aware that the universe sometimes chatters becasue it feels chatty. Nothing more annoying than taking on a spiritual mission to basically allow a rock to see from a differnt point of view. Ie not all the messages we senstivies recieve actually have anything to do with us. but i digress.

      It is full moon, or at least close enough that i have closed my drapes. i just figured out that i am doing that in rythym with the moons waxing and waning. I cant say i understand it but i have noticed it. My sleep was that type of sleep where you think you have been unconscious for 15 minutes and it has been 5 hours. I woke at 05:15 i thought i would shower and "nap" until i had to be up at 06:10. No joy. so i decided that i may as well take my time with my breakfast chilli rather than just make a quick burger. and while it was cooking[ ground beef, onions, garlic, Habenero pepper, heavy cream, goat cheese, chilli powder, cumin, corriander, salt ] I figured i would check the forums i cannot check at work and email.
      My ex-fiance had sent me something. It has been three years since the breakup and we have begun to talk again as friends at least friendly.

      I KNOW SHE MEANT WELL. She has her faults and can be a spiteful bitch at times and proud of it, however she didnt send me this to hurt me, yet my day so far has been devastated by this video Dear Woman.

      And so at 6 am 4 hours before she normally wakes up i had to call her, I had to ask what the hell she was thinking and did she even WATCH the damn thing before sending it to me. Ok i know that i am writing this on the internet and that I must explain. My mother. See, My mother well ... And my ex knows this full well, see my mother tried to kill me. Ok that may be overstating, she woudl have had no pleasure from my actual death. That would have ended her sadistic pleasure.

      My mother was the type of woman that thought "mommy dearest" was a joke, "no woman coudl be so weak" she woudl have said. My mother beat me bloody and unconsious from the age of 10 months to the age of 17. Her mother taught her how to do it, her sisters occasionally joined in the fun. My father worked 120 hours a week rather than confront the fact that his wife was crushing his CHILDREN ( yes i have a brother ) and everyone who knew my mother was unwilling to stand up to her.

      She got away with it all. My father kicked me out of the house at 17 when he was finally able to admit that she was capable of doing this. Poor fool had been taking his own abuse since i was 12 and didnt have the intestinal fortitude to say no. I woudl pity him, if i had any compassion for his position

      I have spend the rest of my life learning to heal from her abuse and along the way picking women to accompany me who were better than her, however when your mother is Hitler, Imelda Marcos seems like a better choice, yet that is simply another version of bad.

      And so I reminded my ex that unless a person worked extremely hard to alter the paradigm the "Divine Feminine" is always your mother as the "Divine Masculine" is always your father and could she see where an appology to my mother woudl be offensive? Of course once she was able to see it she was horrified. However she thought that since i was so gentle and so loving and so compassionate i woudl resonate with the message.

      What i saw inside my soul within the first 90 seconds appalled me. I thougth i had moved to a place where I had dealt with these emotions, and to a large degree i have, but my rage against her is still there. My anger at these men for taking such a apologetic stance shocked me. and in this i realize my belief.

      We never make up for what we do, we simply try to avoid the repurcussions.

      My mother has never once ever acknowledged that skinning me alive was wrong, that spliting my scrotum was unnessecary, that tying me to the refrigerator or the bed and whipping me with electrical cords or wet leather belts until i passed out from sheer exhaustion was something to be considered reprehensible. In point of fact, the last time i spoke to her, the last time i shall ever lay eyes on her she told me that I deserved it for being such a wicked child.

      WHAT THE FUCK can a 21 month old human do to deserve being slammed against a marble coffee table? what can a 5 year old do to be beaten out of his sleep and all around the house. Add to this the fact that she was intelligent enough to know how to conceal it from the public or intimidate any who may feel compelled to intervene. Evil thy name is K.M.A.D.G.

      And how am i supposed to ever look at a black woman with trust, Why woudl i open my heart to any female. and why in Gods name woudl i apologize to them.

      Apologies are meaningless to me. All that matters are actions. What was done to me can never be taken away can never be apologized away can never be undone.

      and I am the poorer for the experience. What i know i cannot unknow.
      Optimum Health powered by Actualized Self-Knowledge.

      Predator not Prey
      Paleo Ketogenic Lifestyle

      CW 315 | SW 506
      Current Jeans 46 | Starting Jeans 66


      Contact me: quelsen@gmail.com

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      • #63
        Honey badger, it is clear that you have spent much of your life in a house of bees eating gross larva. You've been through a load of shit, I can't imagine a mother doing that to a child. Clearly she was a very, very ill person and you are better off without her in your life (I don't know if she's still alive or just far away). I don't blame you for being pissed at men for taking abuse from women. Sometimes I get pissed at women for taking abuse from men. I don't know if I've ever known a person (enough to have an idea of their romantic past) who HASN'T taken some kind of abuse. It's really sad. Some people grow a pair and realize they don't have to be a doormat. Some people with significant damage will seek abuse for the rest of their lives. You are doing really well to have a positive life and I really admire you.

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        • #64
          I agree it is sad. Truly. Why do we hurt others i cant concieve that we willingly choose to do it and yet we do. At this point in my personal evolution I see the uselessness of all the emotions we react to, yet that means good as well as bad and my self fulfilling prophecy is that of me being a Vulcan, at least most of the time. It takes quite a bit to crack my self imposed "pasions mastery" and "reality truth" and this certainly did. I will still be exploring the reaction becasue i am not entirely clear that i understand its driver. I want to think it is rage at the apology, however it feel more complicated than that.

          Additionally havinf such dispassion resolves everything down to an equation and most of the time i simply opt out of the uselessness of it all.

          PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN

          it really really ruins the magic
          Optimum Health powered by Actualized Self-Knowledge.

          Predator not Prey
          Paleo Ketogenic Lifestyle

          CW 315 | SW 506
          Current Jeans 46 | Starting Jeans 66


          Contact me: quelsen@gmail.com

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          • #65
            You're last post was a very tough one to read. I was a child of abuse(emotional, not physical) and its a struggle I deal with daily. It's taken me to some very dark places throughout my life. Luckily, my abuser, my mother has been dead for 4 years. I have come to a very tough conclusion in my life that WE chose which path we take in our abusive pasts. Do we carry out the deeds that were put against us or do we fight to keep that from hurting others in our life. My mother did this to myself and another sibling and didn't really do anything to her other 2 daughters. The 2 daughters she didn't abuse didn't have children, the ones she did abuse, all have daughters. My sister that has daughters has chosen to follow the same path as our mother, I didn't. I have to fight with myself at times to keep the ugliness out but I do it. I'm one ofthose that believes in the theory of, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

            What your mother did was something that I don't think most can fathom. I can definitely understand now why a relationship with a woman is very difficult for you to have. Hopefully one day you can find the peace you need and deserve.
            Georgette

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            • #66
              Quelsen, my dear honey badger,
              I was the child of an emotionally abusive mother and a father who drank to drown out my mother and her problems. I largely raised my two sisters alone. I'm not repeating my past right now, if you care to read it, it's in my journal somewhere, probably within the first 20 pages or so. While mine was not as ____ as yours, I can most assuredly empathize. Talking the knife out of your suicidal mother's hand is something no 12 year old should have to do. Sheltering your sisters with your body because you can take the belt better than theirs can is something no child should have to do. Have to relearn that you are worth something and aren't the cause of all the evil in the world isn't something I'd wish on my worst enemy. Yet, even with what shouldn't happen and what is wrong, here I am. Here you are. I despised Al- Anon in all it's religious horseshit, but there was one thing I did take away from it that serves me well: one day at a time. I know they were referring to their happy little program, but I took it at a slight different tilt: I'll get there when I get there. 1 moment, 1 breath, 1 heartbeat, 1 tear, 1 smile at a time. I'll cross that bridge and burn it so I can't go back when I get to the bridge. I know it's hard when you spent most of your formative years hiding in novels and in the corner, hoping you weren't spotted (I was reading Stephen King in 3rd grade,) but it's a lot easier when you don't let yourself think about the mountain you're climbing, only where your next foothold or handhold is.
              Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
              My Latest Journal

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              • #67
                I have a few close freinds and yes i agree with your statement. before i found a measure of peace i woudl grind thier noses in it becasue they wanted to know why i woudl have nothing to do with my mother. After my "breakthru" i could see, right behind the eyes the recoiling to the message. and compassion caused mee to leave it be. I dont want my best freind to be able to think or feel my pain and have as his only context his three beautiful kids. I am glad he cannot conceive of it, yet it still feel lonely sometimes. To want to be understood but not at the same time.
                Optimum Health powered by Actualized Self-Knowledge.

                Predator not Prey
                Paleo Ketogenic Lifestyle

                CW 315 | SW 506
                Current Jeans 46 | Starting Jeans 66


                Contact me: quelsen@gmail.com

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                • #68
                  I don't know many people with your amount of compassion, empathy, or (especially) self-awareness. Your friends are lucky to have you around.

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                  • #69
                    None of my friends who knew me growing up ever saw any of this and I never discussed it with them. It was because I knew they would never believe me due to the fact that they never saw it and there was nothing physical to show for it. In fact, they thought that we had a great relationship. In reality, I never trusted her to know about any aspect of my life even when I was still a minor living in her house. If something was wrong, I faked being well/happy/insert any other adjective. I hid my emotions from just about anybody. It really wasn't until my husband started seeing what she was doing and saying into my late 20's that she stopped doing what she did to me. She moved onto my oldest daughter as her last victim. That's when I threatened her with her life and never seeing her grandchildren again did she stop and realize how much she hurt me. In the weeks after she died, one of my sisters found a letter addressed to me with a date of March 21, 2007. That was the day before she passed. She did apologize for what she did but I'll never know if she did this to get on to heaven or to be at peace with me. I'm not sure if I'll be at peace with her but I try.
                    Georgette

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                    • #70
                      Originally posted by geostump View Post
                      I'm not sure if I'll be at peace with her but I try.
                      My mother is still alive. If given the opportunity she would hit me still today. So that i get to remain a free individual i choose to abstain from her presence or i woudl surely rip her heart out of her chest.
                      Where she is concerned I feel as Eric Lensher ( magneto ) did about Sebastian Shaw in the latest X-Men movie.

                      "Peace was never an option"

                      I will have a liberation party when she dies. Assuming i even know about it.
                      Optimum Health powered by Actualized Self-Knowledge.

                      Predator not Prey
                      Paleo Ketogenic Lifestyle

                      CW 315 | SW 506
                      Current Jeans 46 | Starting Jeans 66


                      Contact me: quelsen@gmail.com

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                      • #71
                        No one saw the marks and we never said anything under the threat that they'd split us up if we were taken into foster care. I figured I could raise my siblings well enough to get us out of there without the state taking away our support system. Not horribly long after I took the knife away from Mom, I wrote her a letter and left it on the table, saying all the things I didn't dare say to her face. Dad found it first and told me "never do anything to upset or sadden your mother, otherwise, she might go through with it." To this day, I don't know that she knows what she did to us.
                        Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
                        My Latest Journal

                        Comment


                        • #72
                          Captains Log:
                          Supplemental

                          I am exhausted. Not suprising as i didnt get much sleep last night, however my emotional disturbance has also taken its toll. So much for any of my plans. I guess this is why i has grilled 6 NY stips on Sunday i figured it was excessive then LOL guess i needed the chance to rest up. I will also have to be at work an extra hour that i was not expecting so iwill go home and finish Game of thrones and go to bed. Tomorrow is another day
                          Optimum Health powered by Actualized Self-Knowledge.

                          Predator not Prey
                          Paleo Ketogenic Lifestyle

                          CW 315 | SW 506
                          Current Jeans 46 | Starting Jeans 66


                          Contact me: quelsen@gmail.com

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                          • #73
                            Oh my dear, I don't know what to say. Your story makes me feel physically sick and emotionally wrung out. I don't have any words of wisdom, I don't really think anything I could say would make any difference anyway. I just wish I could give you an enormous hug.
                            My Journal

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                            • #74
                              Are you familiar with information theory? Turing and his "machines"?

                              A Turing machine can have a specific design capability. It also will exist in some 'state' or condition. The result of any input depends on what that input is, the present state of the machine, and the design capability. Turing machines are cut and dried.

                              We humans are not as rigorously defined as Turing machines.

                              We do have specific design capabilities.

                              So far, a human body can do only so many things in only so many ways and there you have it. (The 'so far' bit is thrown in there for the 'we haven't attained our full capabilities' crowd. Maybe they are right. Maybe someday I will learn to walk through walls with no damage to me or the wall.)

                              Each person is in some state or condition.

                              This is based on present feelings, past history, present knowledge. Perhaps other things I am not allowing in my box.

                              So do we always react the same way? No. Unlike a Turing machine, we have the capability to choose our response to an input. We have options.

                              We are able to redesign our machine. Some state this a different way--We are able to reprogram our machine. It isn't always an easy thing, but we are not bound by our past. We are not even bound by our present condition or state. We are beings with the ability to choose our reactions to stimuli.

                              This is a mathematical attempt to tell you that you can put all of that history behind you and live easier and better. My life has had different problems than yours. It hasn't been a gentle walk or a pleasant lope or run. It has been a terrifying steeple chase through heavy wilderness instead of on a designed track. When I look back I count all of the bad as learning experiences, not as things to dictate my character. Wasn't easy to get this way, but it is attainable.

                              I think that you are doing well with it too. Just don't let the occasional artifacts of evil get to you.
                              Tayatha om bekandze

                              Bekandze maha bekandze

                              Randza samu gate soha

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                              • #75
                                Originally posted by periquin View Post
                                Are you familiar with information theory? Turing and his "machines"?....When I look back I count all of the bad as learning experiences, not as things to dictate my character. Wasn't easy to get this way, but it is attainable.

                                I think that you are doing well with it too. Just don't let the occasional artifacts of evil get to you.
                                Well written sir.

                                I will say try as i might i have difficulty attaching "lesson" to my first 17 years. however i may simply be "unconsciously competent" in that area.

                                I admit that most of my focus has been on an attempt to reprogram my phenotype. It is only in the last 5 years that I have focused on my psychological capabilities. Between the two i have had infinitely more succes in the mind than in the body. :-)
                                Optimum Health powered by Actualized Self-Knowledge.

                                Predator not Prey
                                Paleo Ketogenic Lifestyle

                                CW 315 | SW 506
                                Current Jeans 46 | Starting Jeans 66


                                Contact me: quelsen@gmail.com

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