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Denise's "better late than never" PB journal

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  • Denise's "better late than never" PB journal

    I wish i had begin this when I began my Primal journey at the beginning of December 2010. Not because I think anyone would particularly benefit from my wisdom () but because its been an "interesting time" and I wish I could read it back sometimes.

    I am usually an intensely private person - something that has caused me problems over the years as I have often not asked for help I desperately needed. It is a novelty for me to "open up" like this - but its anonymous and that makes it ok I guess. I have also come to really appreciate being part fo this community - and I want to really participate!

    I am an avid "journaller", have kept a food diary for years (yes, right thru my CW madness, binges, purges, you name it - warts and all. PLUS I record what exercise I did, how I felt, how I slept - all in what becomes a very a tatty old diary by the end of the year. It is currently still quite new looking - its only February). So this is a natural progression really. PLUS - who knows, something I go thru/realise might JUST be of use to someone else on the same path.

    SO I am not particularly overweight (but as I gave up weighing in November last year, I might be??) I am a US size 4/6, 5'5" tall. I am muscular naturally - not EVER going to be a waif. "Stocky" sort of describes me - in my eyes certainly.

    I have a long history of EDs and (sometimes severe, clinical) depression. One of the main reasons I came to PB - and then to paleo - wasn't so much the weight (though believe me its a factor) it was a quest for sanity. Maybe that would be a better name for my journal in fact? I wanted - and still want - to eat like a sane person. Now I have added "a sane Primal person" as I am completely "converted". BUT, "better late than never" works too - because its also true of my getting onto this path, starting the rest of my healthy life. I do find myself truly envying the people on here who have come to PB in their teens and twenties - but "better late than never"!!

    I began looking into PB last summer, on the recommendation of a good friend who has been doing this WOE for about a year now. NOT for weight loss, for improved health - with a little body transformation along the way. I "dabbled" I suppose. I passed on the book and site to my sister and BIL Both were severely overweight with real health issues. They jumped on board - and haven't looked back. (To date BIL is down 50+lbs and sister down 35+. They have "stalled" now but frankly they love the WOE, they love the food, they love how they feel and they seem to be in it for the long haul! As I posted earlier in another thread - I am "saving the world, one loved one at a time"

    I did come onto the forums in the first few weeks - but I must have picked a bad time, or some bad threads. It seemed people were obsessing about eating a portion of fruit, their calorie consumption and macronutrient breakdowns. One person - I still remember it - clained that eating an apple a week made her gain weight. It was all too much for me, freaked me out and I posted "this is not for me I'm outta here". I thought PB was just another way to punish myself with severe restrictions, another way to feel enormous guilt about the smallest, most innocuous thing. I went back to CW, my ED went ballistic - I was deeply unhappy and not nice to live with. fats forward to November 2010

    I picked up PB again - I don't remember why. Then - I discovered Gary Taubes "GCBC" . I had a lightbulb moment! Now I didn't just see the sense, i didn't just "believe" - I understood. The science was there. I needed that - I am a rational creature at heart and my first approach to a problem is to seek knowledge about it. Maybe thats why I have been duped so often - by so many plausible theories. But this one - this had facts, it wasn't by anyone with anything to gain. In fact - I realised about 3/4 of the way thru - and said to my husband - " he's not going to tell me what to do!!" Do you know, for a moment I was worried by that. I was used to a bit of preamble followed by a meal plan. This was simply giving me the info to make my own desisions. It also agreed with PB - so now I also had a "road map" for how to proceed - with the back up of knowing how it worked.

    I was off - and I haven't really looked back. Not really. OK, I have had the sugar monster smack me upside the head when i least expected it (well, obviously thats going to happen after all this time ODing on the sparkly white addictive stuff) - but now I knew about "sugar tantrums". I have read real peoples experiences on this forum and I am "armed" with the things they have learned. (These days I even post "advice" myself - always with the "NB" that this is just what I think/have read/have experienced.) I have had tummy troubles - again advice given and stories shared reassured me. I have even had a weird sort of "grieving process" for my lost love - shit food - and maybe for my lost self - the ED victim who self medicated with food, then purged just to escape the underlying feelings she couldn't quite bear to look in the face. Even perhaps for the lost "goal/achievement" of weight loss, evidenced by a (meaningless) number on a set of bathroom scales.

    See why I wish i had started this before?? I have learned so much - but I can't remember when or how - and I would quite like to.

    BUT here I am now. As you can tell from the length of post - I can witter. I hope future posts won't "go on" so much. BUT when I hit a bad patch or make a breakthrough or achieve a goal or have another lightbulb moment - it'll be here!

    Meanwhile - in more "prosaic fashion".

    1st meal 12.45 lots of white fish and prawns with leek, onion and mushroom, cooked with some chicken fat + steamed cabbage, cauli and broccoli LARGE portion of food. Post wrokout (by about 90') and HUNGRY!!!!

    2nd meal 18.15 roast chicken (2 legs and 2 thighs), carrots roasted with chicken + steamed cabbage (LOVE cabbage) and sprouts, mixed into chicken fat and "crispy bits" at bottom of roasting pan (after most fat drained off to cook with)

    No need for snacks today for some reason.

    Slept well last night.

    Mood quite upbeat ansd sunny today - again no discernible reason.

    Treadmill - walking (begin at 6kmh, 1% gradient, work up to 14.5% gradient, then down to 3% - while increasing speed to 7.5kmh. Sounds complex but its my best warm up. TYakes about 30' Then today I walked back down to 6kmh - ready for

    Spinning class 30'. Used class to do some "HIIT" getting my HR up to 94% - not dropping below 70%.

    Body Pump 60'. Getting back to my usual weights after injuring my elbow so still "off" on some bits. Not BIG weights, thhis si an endurance weights class - I do gym work usually for bigger weights and will again once arm is right.
    Warm up - 5kg each end of bar
    Squats. 12.5kg " "
    chest 9.5kg " " "
    back 8.5kg " " ( arm)
    triceps - its a body weight track this time
    biceps 4.5kg each end
    squats 10kg each end - and using top of step bench for extra depth
    shoulders - 2.5kg weights - its not one for a bar. (arm)
    abs - situps using 5kg on chest - rest of track is plank based - and quite tough.

    Thats me for the day - other than that just doing chores and chilling Husband working away this weekend so got some dull clearing up done - and found it quite therapeutic.

    Incidentally - this is also Day 15 of my Whole30. Well, its also Day 29 - but a minor 85% lapse on Day 14 sent li'l old perfectionist me back to day 1. On Day13 take 2, I was lied to by some ingredients on a box of frozen berries (having eaten some it became obvious they had sugar on them). I will not "reset for that though. Partly because it was not my fault, partly for sanity - whole30 can bring out the worst in someone with EDs - and partly because I just want to get to Day 30 and never do this again (too "diety" and needing perfection for me).

    I HAVE complained to the food people btw. I am due some compensation from the store next time I go in! As I pointed out to them, not only is it a legal requirement to list ingredients, but if someone bought this for a diabetic ..... it could be nasty.

    I think I'm done for now. If you have read all this - well done and thank you!!!

    Comments welcome but I am not going to feel snubbed if no one ever comments - cos this is just for me. Like the rest of my life really. Better late than never eh?

  • #2
    Shorter post today - wittered so much yesterday there are only really the basics to say.

    Poor sleep for no real reason (maybe cos husband is working away? I did "build him" out of pillows, but the pillows don't radiate heat or give you a cuddle).

    Mood - sort of "ordinary", not up not down. Maybe a bit lonely - but not compensating with food!!! (thats big for me)

    1st meal 13.20. 3 big bowls of my home made chicken stew!! (chicken carcass simmered to make stock the drained, chicken picked off carcass, extra chicken added + celery, onions and carrots) YUMMY

    Snack 16.10 Small bowl of chili (beef, onion, mushroom, spices). Sampling what I am making for tomorrow - I am hungry!

    2nd meal 18.50 Roast lamb, roasted carrots and onions (with olive oil). Small portion, not that hungry - but it was delish!

    Lots of herbal and green tea to drink

    Treadmill 41' "walking pattern" as yesterday.
    sprints 10' - 30" at 12.5kmh (Not up to "flat out" today - but this was still tough), followed by walking at 6kmh til HR back to 120bpm, then go again! Probably got about 7 x 30" sprints in in my 10'. Will 'count" next time.
    Spinning 30' class. Did try hard in this - intervals type class.
    cross trainer 10' (warm down) at level 14
    LBT conditioning 30'.

    Felt good - but aware my right knee feels a bit "odd" so will take it a bit easier tomorrow.

    Supplements - forgot to mention these yesterday. Vit D3 10,000IU, fish oil 4 capsule (1000mg each), glucosamine and a "sports multivitamin" (good quality). L glutamine (til its gone, won't get it again as I think I now probably get enough from my food), inositol (read great things about this) and tyrosine before workout. OH - and the 50mcg of thyroxine I have been on for a couple of months now. Not noticed any change yet in my symptoms, but hey, its all the doc will let me take - my results say I don't need it, despite having every symptom of hypothyroidism - and twice as much as she started me on. In another month or so, more blood tests to review how we continue. She's being good really even prescribing it for me I think.

    Day 16(30) of whole(44) - on the "downward slope" now. Not anything in particular when its over - maybe some cream in a decaf coffee? Or on some berries. OOOH , I'm WILD! Obviously not "missing anything" that much.

    The supermarket have given me a couple of days to think about what i would like from the store for a "compensation". Chocolates, flowers and wine were suggested but none felt "right". Maybe a bottle of single malt - husband would like that!!!! Lets see if they don't think thats a bit rich!

    Thinking of making my own toothpaste - looked at the ingredients of my "enamel care" one and not keen! Baking soda + peppermint oil (just to psychologically say "toothpaste" at first. Not used shampoo or shower gel for months now - no ill effects, in fact my hair is quite healthy (I have dry frizzy hair most of the time).


    • #3
      i am glad you started a journal! i've seen your comments around - LOVE THEM. you shouldnt have left in the first place!

      HANDS OFF MY BACON :: my primal journal


      • #4
        Honey, I'm glad to see you made one. Welcome to the world of the journals!
        Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
        My Latest Journal


        • #5
          Originally posted by denise View Post
          I am usually an intensely private person - something that has caused me problems over the years as I have often not asked for help I desperately needed. It is a novelty for me to "open up" like this - but its anonymous and that makes it ok I guess. I have also come to really appreciate being part fo this community - and I want to really participate!
          We sound similar in a lot of respects, especially when it comes to journaling. I feel a little weird posting my rambly thoughts up here, but I think it can be very healthy to let it out, so don't be afraid to keep it up.
          I'm also here to learn to eat like a sane person, so you have my sympathy there. Aaand I'm also a cabbage-lover - who knew something so plain-looking could be so delicious? Sounds like you're doing very well so far, and I second Batty on the good posts thing. Good luck with your whole30!


          • #6
            thank you ladies!! I am her to STAY!!!


            • #7
              hey there! glad you started this! and reaching out to mamagrok in our collaborative journal was awesome! thank you!

              i get annoyed sometimes at plugging away in my journal but i want to be able to look back and what i did right or wrong. and that's the best place.

              welcome !!!
              Even if you fall flat on your face, at least you're moving forward!


              • #8
                Great sleep!! Obviously husband makes a difference, just by being there

                Mood - contented. Really "warm feeling" from the replies to this thread too - really feel welcome and wanted. aaaaah

                1st meal 12.45 beef chili (beef with onion, mushroom and spices as made and sampled yesterday) + steamed veggies (cabbage, cauli and broccoli). Chili tastes even better when left overnight. YUMMY

                Snack nor snacks needed today. Did get hungry while out but decided I could just wait for dinner

                2nd meal chicken breasts fried in meat fat (not sure what sort it was just one of my "jars" in the fridge) with onion and garlic + steamed veggies (cabbage, cauli, broccoli and a few sugarsnaps (think they're paleo?? More pod than pea??).

                Lots of herbal and green tea to drink again - and water, I drink more actual water these days + a decaf americano at Starbucks whilst out shopping. Black of course.

                Treadmill 35' "walking pattern" not such a big incline or speed today - want to be kind to my knee)
                Spinning 30' class. Tried to keep my HR between 65% & 75% for most of this class.
                Body Pump 60' Weights as Saturday - except for squats, which I reduced to 11k each end - protecting that knee!
                Shopping Husband took me shopping - bless him. His one day off after 7 straight days of work and before the next 14 straight days and he wants to take me shopping! Potential for walking at a slow pace and heavy lifting. Managed the walking bit and lifted a decaf americano! (No spare dosh for shopping really, though i did get a few more supplements. 5HTP after reading about it on here and high strength omega 3 oil.)

                Workout felt good - and pleased to be listening to my body not just "working on thru the pain" as I once would have. Planning a rest day tomorrow! ( NEVER used to take a rest day - madly overtrained. BUT now I try to make sure I have one full day completely resting (and boy, do I rest. *Sloth impression*!)

                Supplements - all as yesterday

                Day 17(31) of whole(44) would have been Day 31 – except for the slip on day 14 with a bit of 85%. ( I always feel obliged to say that for some reason). Anyway, no stress about being on Day 17 – and I have sort of proved to myself I can do 30??

                Not “planning anything” for Day 44 either, quite happy with what i am eating. I don’t feel I have lost any weight at all so far – but I have not been on the scales for months so no way of knowing. (Though someone this morning at the gym said I seemed to hae suddenly lost weight. BUT I think it was an optical illusion.) I have a pair of “small jeans” I will try on when Day 44 is past. I MAY reintroduce some dairy – cream in my coffee or on some berries but nothing major. See if that causes any problems and then – well just plod on I guess.

                I have already learned some interesting stuff though – for example, raw onions (in salads for example) give me stomach ache, coconut (fresh or milk), whilst I love it, gives me an upset tum too and isn’t worth the pain. I don’t need tomatoes in any recipe I usually put them in. I take much less salt on my food now – and one day when i tried a new recipe and put the “stated amount in” I felt quite ill for the rest of the day. (All “slooshy” from all the water i drank cos I was thirsty – but still dry throated). Carrots are almost too sweet to have with savoury foods, so are sweet potatoes. If I roast either i have them separate from the rest of my food. I do not,like olive oil very much – BUT I love using the fat from cooking meats to fry things in. May never go back to butter on my veggies (unless eating out). I DON’T need extra/many carbs to workout well. Ido need to eat 2 big (and I do mean BIG) meals a day, but not to snack in between very much.

                Psychologically – I have mourned the loss of food as a comfort and sat with distress and not self medicated. I have come to see that having a problem with food had become a part of who I was, I have to readjust now and I think that will take some work. I am more "stable" than I ever thought I was. I tolerate hunger better - not so much panic involved.
                One “downside” of whole30 – I see it could reawaken ED behaviours in me as it calls for a degree of “perfectionism” that, at its worst, can make me feel a failure when I am really a success. It also restricts and cuts foods, which can ring “diet” bells for me. BUT I am treating this as a way to find out things about me and one I will not repeat. Nothing against those who go on to do whole45/60/90/365 – go for it if it is making you happy, healthy and balanced. I just know for me it could turn into an obsession and so this is probably my one shot. After this, short periods of “really clean” to counteract specific issues may be my limit.

                These are all big lessons. And I’m only just over half way .

                I am not inclined to treat this like some religious conversion (some people do - "messaianic zeal" springs to mind when I see some peoples comments on the whole30 site) – but I am certainly finding it fascinating.

                Overall, I think its easy to find positive outcomes in effortless weight loss and body transformation, even sudden absence of medical symptoms. For me so far its more subtle than that – but no less profound and potentially long lasting. Maybe that's the best sort of lesson?

                I've wittered again - maybe I need a blog to put all this in not just a journal?


                • #9
                  Sleep not that great really. I had a lot of dreams - vivid ones - about being hungry and searching for food. I think maybe I didn't eat enough yesterday?

                  Mood - bit flat really. Nothing major, just - flat. Maybe missing my endorphins?

                  1st meal 12.05 lamb hearts and stewing beef casserole with extra "meat fat", casseroled with onion, leek, mushroom and garlic, + steamed cabbage, broccoli. VERY large portion - I was hungry!!

                  Snack 15.05 bowl of frozen unsweetened cherries, blueberries and strawberries.

                  2nd meal 17.55 chicken saute leftovers from yesterday, extra meat fat added, + steamed cabbage, sprouts and sugarsnaps. Another big bowlful!!!

                  Lots of herbal tea - peppermint today mainly + water

                  Exercise REST DAY!!! Been completely lazy all day, even had a nap after my lunch. Today, for some reason I am very weary!!!!

                  Supplements just fish oil, D3, multi vit and glucosamine today.

                  Day 18(32) of whole(44)

                  Not much else to say today. Regrouping a bit I think. Nicely full now - though I confess to having had a momentary desire to stuff some of husbands strong cheese (in his baked sweet potato) into my mouth whilst dishing up for him! Didn't - but thats how easy it can be to snooker a whole30, lick a carton lid, pop a few crumbs into your mouth. Have to watch myself!

                  Hoping for a nice sleep tonight!!


                  • #10
                    before I do my usual "stats" later tonight, just a couple of things I want to note.

                    1. I think my cellulite has diminished. I noticed in the shower today - less dimples! OK, not in "folies bergeres" shape yet, but I'll take what I can get.

                    2. I have been using my own homemade toothpaste for a few days now. Baking soda, peppermint oil and tea tree oil. Its an odd flavour but not unpleasant. It doesn't seem to be doing any harm yet for sure?? I hope its not too abrasive though??

                    3. I think - *takes a deep breath, crosses fingers and closes eyes* - I think I may have let go of "weight loss" as my ultimate goal! *opens eyes, looks round, checks sky has not fallen in and waits for onset of urge to binge*. MAYBE I can hold onto thhis - I am certainly going to try.

                    thats all folks - for now.


                    • #11
                      Great realization!

                      Hold on to it!

                      I'd be cool w/200 lbs if it were solid muscle!
                      Even if you fall flat on your face, at least you're moving forward!


                      • #12
                        ta pet!

                        I THINK I'm somewhere in the 140s (thats where I was last November when I last got on a scale - and I don't think I am bigger now) - still some wobbles though!

                        My husband is having the same issues - he seems smaller to me but his weight isn't going down at all - and he gets discouraged. Now, if I can just get him not to weight either we might get somewhere! Meanwhile I ask him if he would care if he was 230 and solid muscle and looking great. He says "of course not" but then worries that "this isn't working" when the scales don't move.


                        • #13
                          Sleep Much better, I really WAS tired

                          Mood normal - content. Not up not down just nicely in the middle.

                          1st meal 13.45 White fish, salmon and prawns with leek and mushroom, sauteed in meat fat then simmered in stock. BIG portion of food - hungry!
                          "Snack 1" 16.40 teaspoon of coconut milk off the spoon - but its wasn't the "right taste" so I stopped. think i actually wanted dairy!
                          "Snack 2" 17.10 12 black olives. Better taste experience. Hunger abated til dinner!

                          2nd meal 19.00 5 small pork ribs and 2 small chicken thighs, rubbed with salt & pepper, oven roasted + steamed cabbage and sprouts mixed into fat in roasting pan

                          Lots of herbal tea - peppermint today mainly + water

                          walking on treadmill 90' varying speed and incline (max 115% incline at 6kmh, max speed 7.4kmh on "way back down" to 3% incline
                          spinning bike (not a class). 30" (HR between 65% & 85% max)

                          still "protecting" my knee by not running.

                          Supplements - all usual + 50mg 5HTP (as I approach PMS I thought I'd try it out to see if it helps with the carb cravings and overall PMS blues, so taking it before bed tonight).

                          Day 19(33) of whole(44)

                          Got a slightly upset tum again - running to the loo. If this is a bug its a tenacious little bugger. Maybe its to do with increased fat? I do add it to meals - otherwise I wouldn't be getting enough (fish has little fat in it for example, so I added some).

                          Looking forwards to a nice restful night again!


                          • #14
                            Lots of gals look great in that weight range, particularly if they exercise to any reasonable degree. That might be just what's natural and healthy for you.

                            So yeah, letting go of the conventional attitude of "all women must be 110 lbs" could be quite a relief. I guess I'm lucky I've never expected to be super-duper thin. I'm just not made for that. As my Russian coworker told me, "Woman built for pull plow!"
                            "Trust me, you will soon enter a magical land full of delicious steakflowers, with butterbacons fluttering around over the extremely rompable grass and hillsides."


                            • #15
                              Great journal! I am not a journaler per se and I hate writing but I am making a go of it. I'm just not as organized as you are!

                              I do love your posts everywhere and you do give good insights! Keep them coming and feel free to stop by and say "hi".