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Primal Journal [Thalia]

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  • Primal Journal [Thalia]

    Hello everyone

    I have been active on MDA for a couple of months and I have introduced myself before in the newbie section.

    However, I wanted to start my own journal now and get some feedback on what I am doing as well as to have somewhere to vent.

    A little bit about me: I am 5'5 and weigh 149 pounds, at my heaviest I was 157 pounds (2 years ago). I am 22 and originally from Scandinavia but I'm studying at university in the UK (though right now I'm on holiday back home). I'd like to be somewhere in the 125 region but if I feel great I'm not going to be too fussed over some numbers.

    I found MDA through Rusty over at Fitness Blackbook and I have been changing my lifestyle ever since. I noticed last spring that I felt poorly after eating bread, I quit pasta instantly and only had bread every now and then. When I came back to uni after the summer I quit bread altogether and started saying that bread made me feel ill (not a lie) and I even got tested to see if I was coeliac but all my tests came back negative (and with otherwise good blood values). I decided that I didn't care, if something made me feel ill I wouldn't eat it.

    That works well, most of the time. I haven't had pasta in a year or so and I don't miss it at all... Bread is still my little weakness, I can't wait for the day when I feel as blasť about bread as I currently do about pasta and noodles!

    "Excuses": I have been going through some changes in life recently and I have been using the excuse "just one more" and "i haven't got the time" a lot. Loosing my job, my dad falling ill (some blood clog that no one can explain - which one would think would make me even more committed to living a healthy life), being homeless, not getting my wages etc etc. Everything that could go wrong went wrong. I didn't cook much, I bought grilled chicken and had it with carrots and broccoli most nights, an egg salad for lunch and scrambled eggs and some berries for breakfast. Which I must admit isn't too bad. But with the guilt and stress and panic came the "comfort foods" (cakes/bread/ice cream/sweets/chocolate) and then I get the most horrible migraine and my stomach is upset for about a day and a half. And then I do it again a few days later, just as the queasiness has passed.

    What I don't eat (PB): Pork/beef/bacon/lamb/moose/deer/reindeer. I stopped eating "red" meats 8 years ago. I had eaten sausages for too long, too many meatballs and all of it combined with heaps of pasta. I got sick of it. And now... Now the pain of eating the tiniest bit of bacon is horrendous. I would love to start eating more meats again but as I grew up with certain meat standards I am not sure how I would cope in the UK. My friends who have moved there hardly eat their meats and knowing that puts me off.

    What I do eat (PB): Eggs(!!), chicken, turkey, fish, shellfish, veggies, berries, butternut squash, feta cheese, butter, cream, apples from time to time.

    Good points: I can eat only a handful of nuts and then leave the bag alone!! This was unheard of 2 months ago.

    I have switched to 85% chocolate and I eat less and less of it.

    I love working out, I love going to the gym, I love hearing and feeling my heart pound, I only struggle with getting out the door in the first place... And that's only the first 2 weeks or so.

    To work on: Vegetables, I don't eat enough of them and I only eat the same ones.

    Breakfast, it is a meal like any other and doesn't have to be the same every day.

    IF, I want to try it and succeed, maybe just once a week to start with.

    Food logs (FitDay) I am wondering whether if planning meals for 5 days ahead wouldn't be better for me to get the habit in rather than to "eat when I feel like it", sure I can still do that but I need to know what to eat.

    Dairy, try to do without it for some time maybe?

    Dressings for my salads, MAKE MY OWN (Sog had a nice recipe up so I should try that one)

    Weaknesses: Almond butter - it is just too tasty for me to leave it alone, I can't eat an entire jar (thankfully) but I eat too much of it if I buy it (so I rarely do now).

    Swedish bread - if you are from Sweden or Scandinavia and compare the bread to what they have in the UK... Its incredible... We have so many varieties and tastes and, ok I will stop now. They are the breads I ate as a kid and it is comforting to have them when I come home.

    My self-esteem, I have a suspicion that I somewhere, somehow believe that I am not good enough to be healthy and feel good in my body, that I don't deserve it and that this is one of the big reasons for why I keep falling off the wagon as soon as I make progress. (I am working on this and I am doing much much better now than I did last year when it was so bad I went into depression, the GP prescribed me some meds and I stomped out of his office, fuming, tore the paper into tiny shreds and decided I was going to feel better without taking medication. It is tricky and with loosing my job everything went a little sideways but I'm on my way up again)

    I have been rambling on for too long now. Lets cut it down to why I am here.

    I want to live a long and beautiful life. I want to be healthy, I want to be full of energy, I want to sleep well, I want to be strong, I want to be able to outrun my brothers, I want to be slim and toned, I want to eat amazing and fresh food that makes me feel good, I want my skin to clear, I want my eczema to disappear, I want to be able to look myself in the mirror and see the person that I know I am supposed to be. Barefoot, strong, in the best physical shape I can be, relaxed, smiling.

    Please feel free to comment with any tips on how I should get closer to my mirror-self or if there's anything you want to ask.

    I will be here, taking it step by step.

  • #2

    Tomorrow I leave for my little island again. I know that when I get there I will feel more devoted and commited to my PB-ness and I can finally reread the book! However today has started alright and I think that's the best leaving gift I can give myself.

    Breakfast: Scrambled eggs, 2 slices of turkey bacon, small frozen banana with cacao sprinkled on top with some whipped cream. (I don't want the banana to become a habit but its a lot better than a slice of toast)

    Work out: Some heavy lifting in the basement. When I come back here for Christmas I want to be able to use the weights my brother uses.


    • #3


      We have internet again! I cannot believe how long it has been since I was last here, shame shame on me, but now I'm back. I have re-read the Primal Blueprint again and I feel that I've understood it even better now and I've written up some guidelines and put them on my door.

      Breakfast: Scrambled eggs in butter, blueberries and clotted cream and some almonds.

      Lunch will most likely be a sallad (mixed leaves, cabbage and some carrots), cucumber, feta cheese, turkey and a lovely balsamic pesto dressing.


      • #4

        Dinner: Basil chicken breast, handful of butternut squash and my lovely carrot and broccoli mash (with butter of course).

        Other: Handful of almond, green tea with some honey and cream with strawberry jam (I know I know, not ideal but a lot better than the bread that I normally would have stuffed down)

        Tomorrow I have a lovely workout planned in the morning and then its time to sit down and plan my food for the week.

        I have been grain free for 2 days now and I'm really proud of myself, a little by little : )


        • #5

          Another good start to the day, apart from that it was raining this morning. Now that I'm getting ready for a heavy study session the sun is shining of course.

          Breakfast: Scrambled eggs (in butter) and a handful of almonds, green tea and half a teaspoon of honey (yay, taking less and less of the honey).

          WO: Sprints (30 sec x 5 with only 1 min rest inbetween) I was supposed to do weights today but there was no room in the weights area today, I need to get there earlier. I really enjoyed it though and walked out of there with a huge grin on my face!

          Lunch: Mixed leaf sallad with some shredded carrots and cabbage, the last of the feta cheese (not buying any more this week as I'm trying to down my dairy!), cucumber and some dressing. And I just had some lovely 85% chocolate... Yum. I am trying to cut down but I am taking it easy, I'd rather have some chocolate than go all carb crazy and fall into old habits. Had some almonds as I was preparing my lunch as well.

          Dinner: Will be a chicken stir-fry with coconut and lemongrass sauce.

          I'm feeling thirsty today as well, more than usual even.

          Oh I had a weigh in this morning, 152.5, which is more than when I first started this little journal of mine but still alot better than I expected. And I could put my jeans on, which was something I had been dreading all of last week. There's only down from here : )


          • #6

            Breakfast: Scrambled eggs, almonds

            Lunch: Mixed leaf sallad, cucumber, turkey, acovado, some almonds and dressing (look at me being all good and excluding the cheese!!). An apple.

            Dinner: Same as yesterday.

            WO: None...

            Aaaand I may or may not have slipped up when I had to run in to the local and buy some toilet paper... I did buy and eat some cheap sugary chocolate and I'm now suffering because of it.

            Reason: I was feeling stressed and hungry... Next time I will focus on the fact that if I can go 5h without food another 20 wont kill me!!

            Lesson learnt and registered : )

            I also took a picture of myself and my measurements this morning and I'm not overlye excited about them but hopefully I will be in a week or two when I can start seeing changes.


            • #7

              I have learnt a very valuable lesson today, and its not even gone noon.

              I went to bed fairly late, I was tired at 21 but I insisted on staying up until 23.40 sometime. This meant that when my alarm went at 6.03 this morning it was far too easy to press off and go back to sleep.

              I woke up at 7, instantly stressed. My bus leaves at 7.11 and I needed to get dressed and make sure my bag was packed. I was ready and opened the front door to see the bus drive past. Buggar.

              I almost sprinted to the next bus stop where more buses stop, got into town, walked up the hill to catch my next bus.. That bus and the 3 others that were supposed to arrive within 7 minutes of each other never came.

              Because of this I missed my lift in to uni. So I walked over to the train station to see if I could make it in for my lecture anyways but I was already late. It was 7.42 and the train would take 50 min and then the walk up the hill another 25. So there I was, exhausted from stress, and it wasn't even 8 in the morning.

              If there's one thing I really dislike it's stressing and rushing about in the morning. I'd rather get up earlier so that I can have a gentle start to my day.

              Just as I was beating myself up about staying up too late and the sugar withdrawal I was feeling for the cheap skanky horrid chocolate I had last night my friend called me to tell me my lecture was cancelled.

              I made my way home, had some breakfast and I now have a full day to fill with studying, a trip to the gym and grocery shopping.

              All is well that ends well.

              Lesson learnt: Go to sleep when you're tired!!

              Breakfast: Scrambled eggs and almonds, as usual.

              I am trying to track down some spaghetti squash and hopefully I will find one in my organic shop close to the gym. If not today then they said they would have a delivery on Friday with some more... I really want to make a lasagna as I've not had one for years.


              • #8

                Soo... I have been moving at a slow pace, lifted some heavy things, slept well, stayed away from grains (almost completely!), not had dairy or chocolate and IFd 2 meals over the past 2 days.

                I am so proud of myself!! Tomorrow I am venturing to the gym and afterwards I will try to hunt down a spaghetti squash. Dinner for tonight is planned and I am really looking forward to it.


                • #9

                  Thalia, it was nice to read your introductory post and to know that taking control of your health. Everyone here is trying to do the same and your in good company. It's normal to seek comfort in food when you're stressed out and many of us here have done that in the past and some of us probably still do. But it'll only get better.

                  I have heard that the meats and fish in Scandinavia are of superior quality. Everytime I read about the place, it makes me want to visit there someday. Eva, another PBer on the forum is from Finland. Whenever I read her posts about food and her home, I start imagining this idyllic setting where everything is prisitine and natural and least affected by civilization. But I digress.

                  Hey, lil_eathmomma has a kickass recipe for spaghetti squash lasagna, if you're looking for one.

                  All the best to you in your primal journey.


                  • #10

                    It was lil_eathmomma's recipe that sent me on the hunt for the squash. I still haven't found one but I will not give up.

                    I had a sliiiiide off of the wagon yesterday and today I am suffering for it, so I get what I deserve in the end. At least I am learning with every slip. Having my sister write her very first full sentence to me today and receiving an email from a friend I haven't heard from in a long time makes me realise that life is beautiful and I want to live it for a very long time so I need to look after myself, for my own sake as well as for theirs.

                    Thank you maba for the response, glad to see somone poking their head in

                    Now, onto the pile of books I have accumulated this week and after that I am hoping for some much needed play!!


                    • #11

                      Falling off the wagon, climing back on, being angry with CW for "helping" me become addicted to all sorts of substances and mood swings like never before.

                      I think that is the best summary I can give of last week.

                      This week I am down 1 pound (woop woop) and I haven't got a stomach ache for once.

                      Breakfast: Scrambled eggs, almonds, some broccoli and carrot mash from last night.

                      WO: Weights unless the gym is crazy busy, then it will be sprints.

                      Lunch: IF (possibly probably)

                      Dinner: Early dinner tonight!

                      I'm going to see Biffy Clyro tonight so I have got something to keep me motivated to do work this morning. Woke up with the sun shining in my eyes, I've studied for 3h so far and now I'm hitting the PR books before my trip to the gym and buying something for my sister's 6th birthday.


                      • #12

                        Last week was not a good one for me. I was really un-motivated and I found it hard focusing on anything for more than 2 seconds. I didn't go to the gym (which is the reason why I didn't feel motivated if you ask me) and I did eat ok but I didn't plan well enough to do as well as I know I can do.

                        This week I'm participating in the Survival Week, that will give me the kick up the backside I need and also get me thinking about things again.

                        Uni is getting stressful and I'm not coping very well, which is also related with me not doing exercise.

                        So, today I am going to the gym, wandering around town for a little (its so beautiful outside today), buying food for this week and then I'll be studying.

                        It's time for me to really commit now. Christmas is so close and I cannot put my body though an "ordinary" christmas... The sugar hangover would last weeks.


                        • #13
                          Well hello everyone,

                          As you can tell, I've been here before and I've been gone for a while. I came back for a short while but it was before I was ready.

                          I am going to give you a little catch up.

                          So. By the time I left here in November 2009 things went down hill. In February things got rough and in March of 2010 I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with severe to moderate depression. The previous summer had caught up with me, the homelessness, sickness of my dad, the place I worked at filing for bankrupcy (my dream job, of course) and being "forced" back to uni. I was in my final year and things weren't going my way. Every little task was a struggle and in March it all came crashing down. I started taking anti-depressants. It was scary and amazing, they left me feeling high and detatched from the world. I could forget and ignore everything else. I locked myself in my room, watched copious amounts of Doctor Who and forgot all about eating and working out. At the same time my two best friends stopped talking to me, when I needed them the most. I was in the middle of writing my dissertation and biggest essays of my university career. I started seeing a therapist again, going for walks every evening. I spent all hours at the library with Hula-Hoops and Cadbury as my main intake of "food" for almost 2 months.

                          Somehow I handed in my essays and dissertation and graduated with pretty good grades in July 2010. I came home to Sweden in mid-June and was more or less instantly contacted by the best festival I know of and asked to come and work. I did, and then I went to a second festival, and for the first time in my adult life I loved being in Sweden. The people were so much like me, knew where I was coming from and I ended up staying.

                          In September I started seeing a therapist and I was living at home, sharing rooms with my little sister. It was hard. Everyone was back at school or work and I just couldn't get a job. Last week of October I moved into a flat of my own and since November I've been employed, first as an English sub-teacher at my old college/high school and since April at my favourite festival agan! On September 3rd I met a really lovely boy and he changed it all, along with him came a heap of friends and if it hadn't been for him and his roommate I would have moved back to England. One thing lead to another and Friday just gone we celebrated our 6 month anniversary and I will be moving in with him in a little house of our own in a months time. So I know how the littlest things can change everything.

                          I've been off the meds since November and my dear bf has been an amazing support through it all. But now my old ghosts are making themselves known. My eating is turning emotional, my workouts non-existing and the feelings I have about myself are mean and awful. I cannot eat sugar and like who I am. That's that. I am addicted and I need for it to stop. I need only to read/think back and I know it's true. So here I am, and I am going to try as hard as I can. With the help and support from my bf, I can do this. He loves me and wants all the best for me, now it's time for me to catch up on that.

                          About me: I'm still 5'5 (165) but I have no clue what I weigh, I would guess around 150lb (70kg). I'd love to weigh around 60kg but the scales have never been good for me so that's not what I'm focusing on.

                          Food: I have started eating meat again, bacon, steaks every now and then, but I'm still mainly a poultry kind of person. I'm better at eating proper dinners but along with the meat and a bf with high metabolism came pasta and bread which I had almost completely stopped eating. I eat biscuits, a sliver of cake or chocolate/sweets as good as daily and my mood and energy suffers greatly because of it. When I'm bored or emotional all I can think of is food.

                          Energy, Sleep & Play: I'm tired more or less all the time, I only feel energised after physical activity (which is basically not happening atm). I am a worried sleeper, which I haven't been before. I wake up in the middle of the night and need the toilet (new!). I can't seem to get enough sleep.

                          Moving: I cycle to work every day, that adds up to ca 6km/weekday, so at least I'm getting some movement in most days. I love swimming, going to the gym, walking, yoga, but something is saying stop, something is holding me back. I'm holding me back.

                          Me being me: I'm all in or nothing. I can't take it slow, I can't do it little by little, thus I end up taking too much on and then feeling horrible about failing. Little by little is how I must do it. I don't like being me very much right now, my mood is worse than for a long time and I can't help but suspect it having to do with my increased sugar/carb-intake.

                          Why am I here?
                          I want to be able to go swimming outdoors in the summer without being terrified, I haven't been for over 5 years and it makes me endlessly sad. I want to feel hot, as hot as my bf says I am. I want to sleep better. I want to be full of energy. I want to be strong. I want to be healthy. I want to love good food again. I want my thighs to slim down so I can wear skirts and shorts without tights (now they rub and end up bleeding when it's hot outside, and then the wounds start to smell). I want to feel good in my own skin. I want to make concious decisions about my body and life. I want to be me, the real me.

                          I am terrified of letting go, of all the things that hold me back, but I want to so badly. I am my own worst enemy, it's time for me to make friends with myself and start treating myself with the love and respect I deserve.


                          • #14
                            Today is day 3 of being a Primal girl once again, and I must say that I'm doing fairly well.

                            I spent most of Monday feeling absolutely rubbish. I cooked and did everything I needed to but felt ill and headachey all day. The smell of food made me feel sick and I could hardly eat. It was more or less the same yesterday but it was getting slowly better. Today I've almost felt ok. Breakfast was still a little bit of a struggle and right now I'm hungry for the first time in a few days.

                            I think part of my problem has been that I haven't been eating enough, which is easier said then done when the thought of food makes you want to barf. I went and had thai for lunch with my bf and it was so yummy. And even though there was rice on my plate I didn't touch it, the rest of the food was so delicious wasting my buds on some rice just wasn't worth it.

                            I still haven't actuallt told my bf what I'm doing or how I'm eating, which makes me feel a little bad but I've talked about the bad impacts of non-veg carbs have on me and I actively chose not to have pasta with our dinner last night (I went for broccoli-mash).

                            I'm not awfully strict in the way I'm eating right now. I've had some strawberries today and raspberries most days (as they were the only things that didn't make me feel sick) and I'm still eating dairy (cream in the sauce last night, and frying the meat in butter). I'm not going to be too harsh on myself as I think that has been part of why it's never really clicked for me before. And if I'm too strict I tend to go crazy and end up self-sabotaging as I've taken things out and left none in.

                            Work btw, is the best thing you could ever imagine. I work for a huge music festival and it's less then 3 weeks until we kick off this years edition. Having my dream-job is really so much more inspiring than being an English sub-teacher with unsupportive headmasters.
                            Also, we have a pink hula-hoop with weights in it that everyone has a go at now and then. That's the kind of workplace everyone should have.

                            Upwards. Onwards.