Dear Mark: Raising Healthy Children
As we all know, our Primal lifestyles don’t exist in a vacuum or (more than likely) even a very compatible environment. That goes double for our kids. However committed and exacting we might choose to be at home when it comes to their diets, the minute they walk out the door they encounter a whole world of competing interests and influences: grandparents and other family members, friends’ houses, school lunches, social outings, even sports team trips (ah, the big yellow buses pulling up to McDonalds…). While some of us might keep our Primal commitments more personal, all of us want to see our kids eat and be healthy. That’s easier said than done unfortunately. Sometimes the challenges hit closer to home, as in this reader’s email.
Mark,
I have what I feel is an interesting question that I don’t see addressed anywhere on the site. I’m pretty sold on the notion of the Primal Blueprint and I’m ready to jump in full force to change my lifestyle. I’m about to get married to a wonderful lady with 2 kids and she’s on board for herself as well. The question has come up though about the kids. While we both agree that eating healthier is a wonderful thing for them (and the Primal Blueprint way seems to be the best thing I’ve found in years of reading and searching), the problem arises with the differences between households. The kids basically split time with her and their father, and their father is pretty much a couch sitter who doesn’t adhere to a very healthy lifestyle at all. His diet is pretty typically American, although not even typically “healthy” American (whole grains, etc.) The kids would have weeks of low blood glucose followed by weeks of bombardment with high GI type foods. A week with us with controlled insulin production and a week at their dad’s without control of insulin production. This seems like it could cause more harm than good. My question is this…. Will switching over to a completely primal diet in our house and then sending them off to their dad’s house – to relapse back into a carb-centric eating pattern every other week – do them more harm than good?
Thanks to reader Jason for this one. The basic principle here applies to a whole heap of scenarios, but let me respond directly to the particulars of this situation first. It’s great that you and your future wife have found a common appreciation for Primal living, and kudos for sharing those benefits with the kids. Let me say this first: don’t sweat the diet back and forth too much. You’re not talking about a meal to meal shift. A full week of good eating at a time is nothing to shake a stick at. Sure, one half of their food intake should change, but it isn’t the half you and your fiancée offer them. I know what you’re getting at with the swinging and spiking glucose, but I firmly believe that the “break” those kids’ bodies are getting with the Primal eating strategy does them good. Although a week doesn’t allow time for a full metabolic resetting, so to speak, it does give the body a good stretch with stable hormonal balance. It gives the pancreas a rest from producing as much insulin, the liver a rest from (I’m imagining) filtering assorted junk foods, and the adrenal system a rest from coping with, well, the biochemical circus of carb overload. Rest assured, it’s better to be half Primal than not at all.
That said, I still think it’s worth trying to soften the blow of the alternating weeks. I don’t know what kinds of conversations your fiancée has had with her ex about the issue, but it’s a discussion worth having and even revisiting if there’s any chance for understanding or accommodation on his part. Obviously, these conversations can be emotional minefields, and I don’t pretend to know the particulars of your fiancée’s rapport with her ex. If it’s possible for her to have the conversation with him, keep it 100% focused on the kids and their health. After all, their well-being is a mutual concern. If he feels his role as caretaker is respected, he’s more likely to listen and engage. Just start by letting him know about the changes you’re both making for yourselves and the kids. Give him a chance to offer to make an accommodation or to at least show interest. If your fiancé thinks he’ll take the sharing as a personal affront to his own habits and intelligence, she can focus on the (basically true) “kids are still growing and need solid nutrition more than adults” angle. Even if he thinks the kids deserve some “treats,” it’s important to point out that the more unhealthy food they eat, the less healthy food they have room for. That said, it’s good to limit any negotiation/requests to a few carefully chosen foods/practices. It’s probably safe to say that the kids won’t ever eat Primally at his house. Pick your battles, as the saying goes.
And, again, the kids’ benefit isn’t dependent on the ex’s compliance. You and your fiancée are offering them Primal foods to fuel their physical and cognitive development. You’re boosting their immune function and promoting the healthy functioning of literally every bodily system they have. Another important point: you’re also increasing their insulin sensitivity as well as (I’d venture) their threshold for carb satiety. Although you probably don’t have the chance to observe it (and the kids the ability to realize it), they’ll probably choose to self-limit their sweet/carb intake more than they would if it were standard, full-time fare.
Ultimately, you and your fiancée have the opportunity to strongly and positively influence the children’s long-term choices as well as their understanding of overall health. No Primal parent can control every meal or outside influence. To some degree, we’re all in the same boat. I think the key isn’t to sweat the kids’ detours or derivations on Primal eating but to focus on the big picture. My son is a long-time vegetarian. It’s not the choice I would’ve made for him, but I respect his commitment. Over the years I’ve shared my perspective with him, and we’ve come to a middle ground that is considerate of his values and accommodating of my biggest concerns for his nutritional needs. I feel good knowing that he has the right knowledge about nutrition and a thoughtful approach to his diet.
At the end of the day, the best influence we can have over our kids’ diet (and overall health) is the model we present. They see us respect our bodies and make the time and effort to eat well. They see us make good nutrition a personal and financial priority. Although our particular choices might not always transfer at a given time, it’s the basic principles that definitely do set in over the long haul. It’s not about forcing Primal foods or manipulating them emotionally with warnings or judgments that will inevitably backfire (e.g. “You’ll get fat if you eat that.”). If they see us consistently value our physical health, they’ll learn to place value on theirs. With time and maturity, they’ll put those health values into practice on their own.
In the meantime, we can maximize their healthy choices in the here and now by stocking the house with only good Primal stuff and by engaging them in ways that make the “lessons” fun. We all know about the positive influences of eating together as a family, but consider taking it a couple steps further. Let your children cook with you and even shop with you. I know this can be an undertaking, but it can have big payoffs. Even better, grow a family garden or at least some window sill herbs and greens. Make the endeavor a family affair. Let the kids choose what to grow, and put them in charge of their own crops. Sure, all this lets them see how you make Primal choices from start to finish – seed packet/shopping list to dinner table, but it also gives you a chance to bond over food selection and preparation. They learn to enjoy food and see it as something to invest time, thought and enjoyment in. They gain pride in their efforts and accomplishments in the garden/kitchen. They have fun, and they get to spend quality time with you. In this way, you’re not just imposing your choices on them: you’re inviting them to participate in feeding and caring for the family. You’re sharing an experience with them. Put in this context, the “lessons” will teach themselves.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on going Primal with dual households as well as going Primal with kids in general. As always, thanks for the great questions and comments, and keep ‘em coming!
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Posted By: Mark Sisson
so, mark, when do the primal blueprint for teens and the primal blueprint for kids workbook come out?
It may sound selfish, but one of the reasons I’m so excited to have kids is that I can’t wait to introduce them into the world of healthy eating, healthy living, fitness, and activity. In a way, it’s a blank slate, and I am responsible for molding them – making healthy meals instead of fast food, outdoor activities instead of video games, etc.
Can anyone offer any advice or experiences regarding infant formula?
It seems that the only choices are cow-milk-based and soy-based, neither of which is very primal, to say nothing of the straight-up corn syrup and whatever else. My four-month-old doesn’t deal with any of it very well. Perhaps there is a very good reason infant formula is made with just milk or soy, and not with (for example) egg protein, but is there really no more primal option? After all, not every baby in primal times had the opportunity to survive exclusively on breast milk.
Hi Timothy. I had the same problem with my youngest son. He appears to be allergic to almost everything. I eventually ended up seeing a pediatrician who wrote a prescription for the pharmacy to make a special formula for him (which was still not very optimal but sufficed for that time). Now that he is 2 years old I have him drinking organic whole rice milk with pea protein isolate mixed into it (he loves it). It is probably not very primal but it is about all that he can tolerate without getting gastric diarrhea. He cannot even drink watered down fruit juice as it does the same thing to him (perhaps due to the high natural sugar content and acidity). He is also allergic to eggs, corn etc etc. I am working towards getting him to drink straight water now that he eats his meat and veges. He is tall and lean but has the most amazing muscles (he is very active).
When I was 4 months old my mom’s milk dried up, and I had a horrible intolerance of cow milk. I tolerated goat milk extremely well and I thrived on it.
Some friends of mine fed their adopted daughter raw goat milk from day one, and I’ve fostered orphaned kittens successfully on it as well.
Dr. Mercola recommends goat milk for infants (who cannot breast feed) with a few supplemental nutrients added.
Never feed anyone anything derived from soybeans.
I hate to say this but a baby in primal times wouldn’t have survived without breast milk given there wouldn’t have been any alternatives (at least I don’t think there would – maybe coconut milk I suppose – not sure that would be suitable though).
In the small communal groups that I imagine Grok living I think it would have been very likely that babies unable to be fed by their mothers were fed by other lactating mothers; like the nurse-maids we had during earlier centuries for wealthy mothers.
I seem to recall that once lactating (like goats apparently) humans continue to do so until suckling ceases, so in theory I guess some women in the tribe may well feed a number of babies over a period of time other than her own.
None of this helps you of course, sorry. But maybe this is an instance where you need to be glad we are modern humans and use that best products on offer?
Thanks for the insight, I suppose that’s basically the truth. Coconut oil is already a component of many formulas, and maybe you could add kefir or something for lactose-free protein, but I wouldn’t want my baby to be the guinea pig! Maybe a Maasai-style blood-based formula would work. I will have to ask my pediatrician.
I think that there are goat milk based formulas. I nursed for 9 months and then switched to an organic cow formula for my youngest. Unfortunately, my older two drank soy. I didn’t know better at the time. The mothering.com forum has a lot of knowledeable moms on there that may know of other alternatives.
I’m glad to see this question asked. My older 2 daughters spend 1/2 the week with their dad. He is vegetarian and they are, too. We agreed to raise them that way when we had kids. I am no longer veg. He doesn’t let them eat much junk, but they eat way more soy than I would like. Luckily, we have a good relationship. But, he is still a die-hard vegetarian, so I have to back up my battles very carefully with evidence. I’m going to talk to him about finding alternative protein choices. I’m very worried that my daughters are being setup for an unhealthy future. So far, they seem very healthy. They have very few illnesses. They didn’t even get the h1n1 when I got it. They are very picky, but I’m going to keep trying to find primal foods that they will eat.
I think it all starts with a healthy circumcision, and then good role modeling to encourage your kids to eat right.
Oh, wait. Wrong post.
Interesting discussion. I’ve recently made the switch, though I effectively cut out grains a couple of years ago. I have not, however, “brought over” DH or The Boy (age 8).
One of the issues, aside from DH’s lack of interest, is that I’m worried about restricting or witholding foods that, frankly, my kid likes to eat. Now, a lot of people have argued that kids’ tastes will change, and they will make good choices when they leave the nest. Problem is, this doesn’t match my experience.
I was raised on what was essentially a primal diet. My family hunted our own meat, in the form of moose, caribou, duck, and ptarmigan (which is, BTW, not very tasty, even without buckshot). We kept chickens and geese. We had a substantial garden; what the marauding moose didn’t eat was usually enough to last through the winter. We fished the fall silver salmon run. We didn’t have soda or sweets in the house, except traditional cookies at x-mas. We didn’t eat a lot of grains or dairy, because neither were feasible to grow or produce locally.
College came around. All that crap in the SAD suddenly became available to me. Even to my “primalized” taste buds, it tasted good, and it was the norm at a time when I was desperately seeking to fit in. Enter massive weight gain, followed by an eating disorder. Took me about 10 years to get my body into equilibrium again.
I wouldn’t wish that on The Boy for anything. So, long post, short question: given that we don’t live in a vacuum, how does one raise “primal” kids without setting them up for a eating “backlash” later?
Follow the 80/20 rule; give them a day of the week where they can eat all the processed carby crap they want (and throw away any leftovers at the end of the day)
It’s definitely worth taking huge amounts of time to make sure your children are raised with good health. You can give them habits that will last a lifetime for good or for bad.
Richard and Hugh
Yes, bringing up children with healthy attitudes and good templates for living is all part of good parenting, sure.
However, I would like to add a cautionary message here – this topic has come at a time when I’m only just coming to terms with what I perceive as a ‘failure’ as a parent on my part with regards to my children.
I set out to be a full time homemaker because I thought that was important, I also went about setting what I considered to be a proper and important set of values. However, what I’ve had to learn, and learn the very, very hard way is that nurture doesn’t happen in isolation, they are independent beings, with their own unique genome ready to express itself, with their own personalities and it simply isn’t possible to do more than set and example.
Just be prepared for them to have very different attitudes. Part of my theory was to bring them up questionning and taking decisions for themselves, developing a sense of independence, ironically these were just the skills my daughter used to head off in a quite different direction than one we thought sensible!
The watch word – flexibility in all things. If I hadn’t started out with unrealistic goals I would not now be dealing with what I perceive as a failure! Maintaining communication is the ultimate key.
I am new to the Primal Lifestyle and loving it, my wife and daughters 15 and 13 are starting to follow along as they see the change I am making. Probably the biggest is eliminating grains for the last 6 weeks from my diet which has greatly reduced, almost eliminated the inflammation I have lived with in my left ankle for 13 years after breaking my Talus. I cook 95% of the meals my family eats and I have simply begun cooking and serving Primal meals for them and allowing them to add whatever they see fit. My kids still eat cereal for breakfast some mornings when they don’t want eggs or breakfast meats, but my thought is at least I am providing them with healthy meals and snacks. I have also been keeping fresh and frozen berries available with heavy cream in the fridge, it amazes me to see them grabbing some berries and cream and skipping the cookies and chips on there own. I believe that I am watching their natural instinct kick in, I am getting fewer and fewer request for junk food and more and more “Daddy that was a really good dinner” comments from them. I know they are still going to eat pizza or cake at a party, but I think just by preparing the healthy meals they are really nearing 80% primal overall.
I have a 2 1/2 year old and a 7 month old. The older one had no idea what a lollipop was until this summer when my husbands co-worker offerred her one. She didn’t know what to do with it and I was nearly in tears I was so pleased! It’s so much easier because all of our friends with young children eat well, so the peer pressure is non-existent. I know it is a whole new ball game in school though.
I feel good about our food choices, and I wonder about first foods for babies. We do baby led weaning so my 7 month old nibbles on what we are having, but I do get some flak for not doing the cereals, then purees… what is everyone else doing with new eaters?
I have a related but tangential issue. I have recently converted to this eating style and have no doubt it is the healthiest way to eat. My wife however is not so convinced(she is a former life long vegetarian). We have a two year old son and have had recent disagreements on his eating. In the interest of not getting divorced I decided that her compromise to cut out gluten was better than nothing.
Since she won’t agree to cut out his bread/cracker consumption completely we have been purchasing gluten free (mostly rice based) breads, pastas, crackers. This has had the effect of worsening my sons constipation problems. The only way we have been able to fight this is by increasing his fruit consumption to levels I’m not entirely comfortable with either.
I think the true culprit may actually be the whole milk. He consumes quite a bit and I am not sure either my wife or I are ready to restrict that as that is where he is getting alot of essential fat as it is pretty tough to get him to eat enough meat/fat.
Is there another way to deal with his constipation? If not then what is the worse of the two evils gluten or increased fructose from extra fruit?
Dairy is very constipating, as are bananas. My daughter is a cheese-addict, so we have these issues, too. One thing I’ve found is that my daughter loves greek style yogurt with fruit (try Chobani with pineapple). The yogurt, being cultured, has less of a constipating effect, plus the healthy bacterial cultures in the yogurt promote digestive health. You can use it to make a smoothie that your kid will love – just add frozen berries and blend. Milled flax seed can be blended in for extra fiber, which is helpful.
Corn is a natural stool softener. Popcorn works, too. I make a brownie with milled flax seed and almond flour and my daughter loves it. All the fiber really gets things moving.
Thank you so, so much for your post! Is there anything you don’t cover on this website? I am in a very similar situation, except we are a fully primal household, regardless of what he gets fed at his other house. I, too, had worried about the negative effects that this could have. This just confirmed that we are doing the right thing. I totally agree that leading by example and educating them to make their own decisions someday is the only thing we can do. And that isn’t nothing.
My boys are 4 and 2. They eat primal 100% of the time. Both have terrible digestive issues and if my older son eats anything sweet (even fruit) or starchy, his stomach blows up like a balloon, he cries at night, and sometimes gets gushing nosebleeds. It is not worth it to me to just let him have an occasional treat when it will cause a week or more of physical and behavioral issues.
At preschool, he gets deviled eggs made with guac, HB eggs, or kale chips for his snacks. If we go to a birthday party, he brings a thermos of homemade meatball and veggie soup and an egg or two for when the other kids are eating cake. He is perfectly happy with it, because he knows he feels so much better and can sleep so much better when he eats this way. I talked to the prechool about how crucial it is for strictly following his diet before I enrolled him, otherwise I would have kept him at home. I care so much about it that I am considering homeschooling to get a few more years of healing food and healthy indoctrination under my belt.
We have lots of fun things that run in our family genes that my 2 young sons inherited: autism, ADHD, sensory integration disorder, and food sensitivites, allergies, etc. I am slowly guiding them to a modified version of the Paleo diet, and I notice on mornings they eat low carb/ high fat/protein the days seem to go better. It’s alot of work to cut out the packaged food, but I notice many of the stomach issues and tantrums they have are now going away or more manageable.
Anyone out there feeding their kids Paleo also doing dairy free? We are gluten and dairy free due to food allergies and I am concerned with them getting an adequate fat/vitamin A intake.