Marks Daily Apple
Serving up health and fitness insights (daily, of course) with a side of irreverence.
31 Aug

Contest: You Might Be Primal If…

bfb9 homo sapiens caveman kitchen tThe Prize:

Brainy and brawny go well together. That’s why today’s sponsor is ThinkGeek, a one stop web shop for the smart masses. Today’s prize is the the Homo Sapiens Caveman Kitchen Tool. Or as I’m re-naming it, the Grok Tool. It pounds. It smashes. It even…grates garlic? Yep, all that and you now have the ability to mercifully end the life of your spear-wounded prey. And whether you win or lose, check out ThinkGeek.com for fun stuff like killer bunny slippers, pice cubes, and previously featured miracle fruit.

The Contest:

If you were alive in the mid-1990’s, you may remember comedian Jeff Foxworthy’s empire of “You might be a redneck if…” humor. Today I’m looking for “You might be Primal if…” jokes. Think one up and leave it in the comment board.

Examples:

  • You might be Primal if you’ve been banned from your local grocery store for repeatedly violating the “No shirt, no shoes, no service” policy.
  • You might be Primal if you’ve never used an elevator. Ever.
  • You might be Primal if you prefer your apple with worms.
  • You might be Primal if you accidentally broke your neighbor’s second story window with a kettlebell.
  • You might be Primal if every butcher in America can recognize you on the spot.
  • You might be Primal if you measure friends, relatives, and children not by the mettle of their character, but by how far you could throw them.
  • You might be Primal if you’ve started to use Tabata intervals for dish washing, shopping, shaving, and dating.
  • You might be Primal if you make guests take off their shoes before leaving the house.
  • You might be Primal if you measure time by the number of cows you’ve consumed since an event occurred… “When did we take that trip to Portland?” “Oh, that was about 3 cows ago.”

Eligibility:

This prize is available to anyone in the world who has ever dreamed of mashing objects with a large chunk of sandstone.

The Contest End Time:

Midnight, tonight!

How the Winner Will Be Determined:

I’ll pick a handful of my favorites and let all of you decide the winner through a reader poll.

Update: With dozens of equally witty and humorous submissions I’ve decided to hold a random drawing for this prize. Check the contest page to see who has won!

To track all the contests visit The Primal Blueprint Health Challenge Contest Page for daily updates.

Visit The Primal Blueprint Health Challenge for challenge details.

You want comments? We got comments:

Imagine you’re George Clooney. Take a moment to admire your grooming and wit. Okay, now imagine someone walks up to you and asks, “What’s your name?” You say, “I’m George Clooney.” Or maybe you say, “I’m the Clooninator!” You don’t say “I’m George of George Clooney Sells Movies Blog” and you certainly don’t say, “I’m Clooney Weight Loss Plan”. So while spam is technically meat, it ain’t anywhere near Primal. Please nickname yourself something your friends would call you.

  1. you might be primal if conventional wisdom is more terrifying than the bogeyman…

    Rich wrote on August 31st, 2009
    • haha! I so do!

      Lauren Ornelas wrote on March 23rd, 2011
  2. You might be primal if your IQ is higher than your daily carb gram count.

    Ed wrote on August 31st, 2009
    • HA! Hee hee hee…

      fritchbeetle wrote on August 31st, 2009
    • You might be primal if your pants size is higher than your daily carb gram count.

      GeriMorgan wrote on August 31st, 2009
    • I love this one!

      Catalina wrote on August 31st, 2009
  3. You might be primal if you fry you bacon in beef tallow.

    David L. wrote on August 31st, 2009
  4. You might be primal if someone asks “What’s for dinner?”, you reply, “Not sure, haven’t caught it yet!”

    hawken wrote on August 31st, 2009
  5. You might also be Primal if:
    instead of calling Police about your noisy party, they knock politely on the door— to inquire about the howling.

    kuno1chi wrote on August 31st, 2009
  6. You might be primal if you climb the stairs on all fours, and backwards.

    maba wrote on August 31st, 2009
  7. You might be primal if your “inforamation superhighway” is now the path through the forest to deer you’d like to eat!

    Lisa wrote on August 31st, 2009
  8. You might be primal if you dip carrot in rendered bacon fat.

    David L. wrote on August 31st, 2009
  9. You might be primal if you prefer your women to have more hair than the animals you hunt.

    Matt wrote on August 31st, 2009
  10. …and besides, the cops are already AT that party :-D

    kuno1chi wrote on August 31st, 2009
  11. You might be Primal if your idea of reality TV would be the old computer game “Oregon Trail”

    Chris Heath wrote on August 31st, 2009
  12. You might be primal if you walk past a koi pond and think about how many people each would feed.

    fritchbeetle wrote on August 31st, 2009
  13. You might be Primal if you live in a cave.

    Ben wrote on August 31st, 2009
  14. You might be Primal if your bathroom plunger is a backyard stick.

    Ben wrote on August 31st, 2009
    • Hey, primal does not mean primitive. Plungers are *very* useful.

      Kiran wrote on August 31st, 2009
  15. You might be primal if you bring your own meat to the butcher.

    musajen wrote on August 31st, 2009
  16. You might be primal if the neighborhood squirrel population has suddenly declined.

    musajen wrote on August 31st, 2009
  17. You might be primal if the phrase “prime time” makes you think of cuts of meat rather than watching television.

    Michael wrote on August 31st, 2009
  18. If you start contemplating seasonings when a snake slithers past your bare feet, you might be primal.

    musajen wrote on August 31st, 2009
  19. You might be primal if you don’t even bother washing your vegetables. Nor peeling your fruit.

    Sylvie O wrote on August 31st, 2009
  20. You might be primal if… your home gym is made up of slosh tubes, sand bags, tree stumps and rocks rather than a yoga mat and a treadmill.

    You might be primal if… on a first date, when your date mentions she’s vegan, you immediately take her home. (My friend actually did this.)

    Primal_Pebbles wrote on August 31st, 2009
    • Was it meant to shock her or what ?

      Kiran wrote on August 31st, 2009
      • I guess this has more to do with the fact that she’s raw fed ;)

        zbiggy wrote on August 31st, 2009
        • ^ LMAO!!!

          Kelly wrote on February 7th, 2013
      • No, he doesn’t date people he couldn’t see himself marrying, according to him. She was your average grain eating vegan. Once when we went out for dinner, he insisted on frog legs. If he can’t share some sort of animal over a meal, it might kill him hehehe.

        Primal_Pebbles wrote on August 31st, 2009
  21. You might be primal if your motto is, “everything’s better with bacon.”

    Cameron Perry wrote on August 31st, 2009
    • But everything IS better with bacon!!

      DebFM wrote on August 31st, 2009
  22. You might be Primal if:

    Instead of flowers, your boyfriend brings you half a Goat. And a large rock.

    or if…

    Your kitchen has, even briefly, resembled the set of, “Dexter”.

    kuno1chi wrote on August 31st, 2009
  23. You might be primal if flip flops seem like too much foot support.

    Cameron Perry wrote on August 31st, 2009
  24. You might be primal, if you don’t join primal contests.

    Sorry to spoil the party – I enjoyed MDA for a long time, but for me the posts and contest machinery of this month seem to be more adequate for a religious sect who needs self-affirmations than for people who just like information to stay healthy.

    JD wrote on August 31st, 2009
    • If you don’t enjoy it here, go back to your own cave.

      Or I will throw a big rock at you ;-)

      kuno1chi wrote on August 31st, 2009
    • You might be primal if you can have fun doing silly things – like goofy contents – that “serious” people would find errelevant and irritating.

      Bourgogne wrote on August 31st, 2009
    • Dear sir, we are in it for the lulz. Come back next month for your regularly-scheduled srs bsns.

      GeriMorgan wrote on August 31st, 2009
    • To each his own, JD. I hope you’ll come back in coming weeks once the contests are over and we get back into the swing of our regularly scheduled content. Cheers!

      Mark Sisson wrote on August 31st, 2009
  25. You might be primal if you’re buying eggs and you wonder if four dozen is enough for the week.

    You might be primal if your co-workers can complete your lunch order for you – “… and he’ll want extra beef with that”

    You might be primal if your house smells vaguely of bacon.

    You might be primal if you’ve invested in a bacon press.

    You might be primal if you eat the fattiest part of the meat first – just to be sure you’re getting enough fat.

    You might be primal if your friends keep asking where you got all those muscles. And you’re 50.

    jtkeith wrote on August 31st, 2009
  26. You might be primal if you’ve traded wine tasting for olive oil tasting.

    Jamie wrote on August 31st, 2009
    • We do that here in the SF Bay Area! I’ve always hated alcohol but I love olive oil and balsamic vinegar tasting.

      Primal_Pebbles wrote on August 31st, 2009
  27. You might be Primal if you discover that, while your back was turned to fry up some eggs to go with breakfast, your 3-year-old consumed an entire stick of butter and half a side of uncured bacon…and, instead of scolding him, you felt strangely proud of your little Grok’s feat (true story!).

    Elana wrote on August 31st, 2009
    • Awesome!

      Before I had “discovered” MDA and PB, I was making cookies with a preschooler… she asked to lick the butter wrapper and I told her not to – that butter was an ingredient, not a food.
      Gosh, I wish I could go back and change things on that day…

      FlyNavyWife wrote on August 31st, 2009
  28. You might be Primal if, while assisting with surgery, the sight of blood makes you hungry for a rare Porterhouse steak.

    Eileen wrote on August 31st, 2009
  29. You might be primal if “going to the gym” means going out to the large rocks in your backyard.

    Tyler wrote on August 31st, 2009
  30. YMBPI- YOu have declared war on Conventional Wisdom and you are trying to recruit footsoldiers.

    Sean Fox wrote on August 31st, 2009
  31. YOU MIGHT BE PRIMAL IF YOUR AT HOME WITH NO REAL FOOD SO YOU TURN TO YOUR BELOVED PETS IN SEARCH OF MEAT.

    John wrote on August 31st, 2009
  32. You might be primal if you hide baggies of nuts and jerky from yourself in order to recreate the hunt.

    Nick Fiacco wrote on August 31st, 2009
    • What a great idea!

      Bourgogne wrote on August 31st, 2009
  33. You might be primal if you have no idea what is in the center isles of a grocery store.

    Marc wrote on August 31st, 2009
    • So true! The only times I go into those aisles now is to find spices, ziplocs/foil, and occasionally pork rinds.

      FlyNavyWife wrote on August 31st, 2009
  34. You might be primal if you tell your family that bread is evil.

    Mike wrote on August 31st, 2009
  35. You might be primal if seeing “healthy” sugar-loaded food makes you feel sick, but still-bleeding meat makes you hungry.

    Anna wrote on August 31st, 2009
  36. You might be Primal if you are annoyingly energetic

    You might be Primal if you wrestle your dog for meat

    You might be Primal if you say “Grok on” to all your friends

    Alejandro wrote on August 31st, 2009
  37. You might be primal if you expect your girlfriend to forage for her share of dinner. http://curiousfarmer.wordpress.com/2009/02/26/wild-food-foraging-fun/

    Curiousfarmer wrote on August 31st, 2009
  38. You might be primal if you actually find these jokes funny!

    Cameron wrote on August 31st, 2009
    • Hahaha, I like that.

      maba wrote on August 31st, 2009
  39. You might be primal if you find yourself cutting up raw liver for sauteed liver and onions, only to discover you eaten more than half of it as you get ready to throw it in the pan to cook.

    Rahsaan wrote on August 31st, 2009
  40. You might be primal if your workout is everyone else’s warmup

    Ryan Hewitt wrote on August 31st, 2009
    • Oops I meant You might be primal if everyone else’s workout is your warmup

      Ryan Hewitt wrote on August 31st, 2009
      • No, if you’re doing HIIT or Tabata intervals, your workout *might* be everyone else’s warmup! It works both ways.

        Griff wrote on August 31st, 2009

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