Marks Daily Apple
Serving up health and fitness insights (daily, of course) with a side of irreverence.
31 Aug

Contest: You Might Be Primal If…

The Prize:

Brainy and brawny go well together. That’s why today’s sponsor is ThinkGeek, a one stop web shop for the smart masses. Today’s prize is the the Homo Sapiens Caveman Kitchen Tool. Or as I’m re-naming it, the Grok Tool. It pounds. It smashes. It even…grates garlic? Yep, all that and you now have the ability to mercifully end the life of your spear-wounded prey. And whether you win or lose, check out ThinkGeek.com for fun stuff like killer bunny slippers, pice cubes, and previously featured miracle fruit.

The Contest:

If you were alive in the mid-1990’s, you may remember comedian Jeff Foxworthy’s empire of “You might be a redneck if…” humor. Today I’m looking for “You might be Primal if…” jokes. Think one up and leave it in the comment board.

Examples:

  • You might be Primal if you’ve been banned from your local grocery store for repeatedly violating the “No shirt, no shoes, no service” policy.
  • You might be Primal if you’ve never used an elevator. Ever.
  • You might be Primal if you prefer your apple with worms.
  • You might be Primal if you accidentally broke your neighbor’s second story window with a kettlebell.
  • You might be Primal if every butcher in America can recognize you on the spot.
  • You might be Primal if you measure friends, relatives, and children not by the mettle of their character, but by how far you could throw them.
  • You might be Primal if you’ve started to use Tabata intervals for dish washing, shopping, shaving, and dating.
  • You might be Primal if you make guests take off their shoes before leaving the house.
  • You might be Primal if you measure time by the number of cows you’ve consumed since an event occurred… “When did we take that trip to Portland?” “Oh, that was about 3 cows ago.”

Eligibility:

This prize is available to anyone in the world who has ever dreamed of mashing objects with a large chunk of sandstone.

The Contest End Time:

Midnight, tonight!

How the Winner Will Be Determined:

I’ll pick a handful of my favorites and let all of you decide the winner through a reader poll.

Update: With dozens of equally witty and humorous submissions I’ve decided to hold a random drawing for this prize. Check the contest page to see who has won!

To track all the contests visit The Primal Blueprint Health Challenge Contest Page for daily updates.

Visit The Primal Blueprint Health Challenge for challenge details.

You want comments? We got comments:

Imagine you’re George Clooney. Take a moment to admire your grooming and wit. Okay, now imagine someone walks up to you and asks, “What’s your name?” You say, “I’m George Clooney.” Or maybe you say, “I’m the Clooninator!” You don’t say “I’m George of George Clooney Sells Movies Blog” and you certainly don’t say, “I’m Clooney Weight Loss Plan”. So while spam is technically meat, it ain’t anywhere near Primal. Please nickname yourself something your friends would call you.

  1. You might be primal if the sight of a grass fed cow makes you more excited than a member of the opposite sex.

    Wendy wrote on August 31st, 2009
    • Food never tromps sex.

      Primal_Pebbles wrote on August 31st, 2009
    • Caveat: Food trumps sex only if you’re starving.

      Kiran wrote on August 31st, 2009
  2. You might be primal if your appetite is more roused by the petting zoo than by the funnel cake at the summer county fair.

    Aaron Blaisdell wrote on August 31st, 2009
  3. You might be primal if you stop and pickup roadkill for an afternoon snack.

    Kurtis wrote on August 31st, 2009
    • You might be primal if you ask for a birthday steak instead of a birthday cake.

      Adrienne wrote on August 31st, 2009
      • Even before knowing about being MDA, my co-workers gave me meatballs instead of a cake for birthday: http://ox.cx/torte.jpg :)

        hynek wrote on August 31st, 2009
        • That is wicked!!!!!

          fishergirl wrote on September 3rd, 2009
  4. You might be primal if you look at a “Quadruple Bypass Burger” and think the bun is unhealthy.

    Kiran wrote on August 31st, 2009
    • this one made me laugh out loud b/c it hit so close to home.

      CKB wrote on August 31st, 2009
    • Slight variant:

      You might be primal if you look at a “Quadruple Bypass Burger” and think “It’s the Bun that will kill ya”

      Kiran wrote on August 31st, 2009
    • Yes, dump the bread!

      skuafox wrote on May 23rd, 2012
  5. You might be primal if the sight of a grass-fed T-Bone and a side of butter makes you grunt with joy.

    Krys wrote on August 31st, 2009
  6. You might be primal if “Low-Fat” is an automatic disqualifier.

    Kiran wrote on August 31st, 2009
    • So true!

      Cameron Perry wrote on August 31st, 2009
    • Worse yet, when someone says “it’s okay, it’s healthy. It’s lowfat”

      MurryFolt wrote on May 5th, 2011
  7. You might be primal if when walking to the shops you try to work out the longest way to get there

    Marc Shorten wrote on August 31st, 2009
  8. You might be primal if the kids on the playground would rather play with you than with their parents.

    Geoff wrote on August 31st, 2009
    • Or if they’d rather play with you than the other kids.

      GeriMorgan wrote on August 31st, 2009
    • No lie, I dated a girl with two kids that willing to (I wouldn’t let them) blow off an entire day with their bio Dad to hang with me for 20 minutes in the park, cause I actually climb trees barefoot; my nurse aide scrubs be damned.

      Zelenn wrote on January 21st, 2012
  9. You might be primal if when other kids were looking for Easter eggs you were looking for the bunny.

    Marc Shorten wrote on August 31st, 2009
  10. You might be primal if you go clubbing for dinner instead of after dinner.

    You might be primal if you see a bag of potato chips and Won’t Eat Just One.

    Chris wrote on August 31st, 2009
    • Chips is my nemesis. I have to have some every couple of weeks or so.

      Kiran wrote on August 31st, 2009
      • Same here. Binged on some corn chips and salsa at a party two weeks ago.

        Aaron Blaisdell wrote on August 31st, 2009
        • have you tried pork rinds yet?

          Took me several bites to get into them but now they’re great to have around when I “need” something crunchy that’s not a veggie.

          FlyNavyWife wrote on August 31st, 2009
  11. You might be primal if you break into a sprint for no particular reason.

    Kiran wrote on August 31st, 2009
  12. You might be primal if your idea of getting fit involves regular naps

    Marc Shorten wrote on August 31st, 2009
    • ooohhh…. That’s me ;)

      Molaina wrote on January 25th, 2012
  13. You might be a Primal if you see a jogger and your first instinct is to chase it down for dinner

    Max Lambert wrote on August 31st, 2009
  14. You might be primal if skipping a couple of meals doesn’t bother you.

    Kiran wrote on August 31st, 2009
  15. You might be primal if you bring a fishing pole to Sea World.

    You might be primal if your food “pyramid” looks more like a food Sphinx… a tasty, pastured Sphinx.

    Chris wrote on August 31st, 2009
  16. If you consider bacon fat a condiment, you might be Primal

    Russ wrote on August 31st, 2009
    • You might be primal if you save burger fat to cook with.

      Kiran wrote on August 31st, 2009
  17. Ymbpi the local cat population has suffered since your arrival to the neighborhood.

    wd wrote on August 31st, 2009
  18. You might be primal if you commute to work by swinging from tree to tree.

    You might be primal if you and your dog are arguing over who gets the scraps.

    cc40 wrote on August 31st, 2009
  19. You might be primal if you go outside to relieve yourself.

    Curiousfarmer wrote on August 31st, 2009
  20. If you think the Government’s food pyramid is a crime against humanity, you might be Primal.

    Russ wrote on August 31st, 2009
  21. You might be primal if you invite friends over for supper, and they ask what’s being served, and you reply “Meat! Oh, and some plants.”

    Bonus points if they nervously ask what *kind* of meat.

    gcb wrote on August 31st, 2009
    • *laugh* Yeah, a friend of mine is coming over to dinner tomorrow night, and when we were determining the time, I said “Great, I’ll pick up the steaks on Monday!”

      She asked nervously, “Are we having anything besides steak?”

      (We’re having broccoli beef with cauliflower rice.)

      Griff wrote on August 31st, 2009
  22. You might be primal if you ask to keep the old tires when you have new ones put on your car.

    Curiousfarmer wrote on August 31st, 2009
  23. You might be Primal if visitors to your home comment on the souvenir Springbok hide…and you tell them he was delicious ;-)

    kuno1chi wrote on August 31st, 2009
  24. You might be primal if lard makes you salivate.

    Rob wrote on August 31st, 2009
  25. You might be primal if you ask your girlfriend to kill a baby chicken. True story! http://curiousfarmer.wordpress.com/2009/07/15/killing-with-kindness/

    Curiousfarmer wrote on August 31st, 2009
  26. You might also be Primal if they try to hate you at the gym for acting so crazy— but you’re having so much fun they want to play, too.

    kuno1chi wrote on August 31st, 2009
  27. You might be Primal if: The smoke alarm goes off when you’re cooking a steak, and you hit the “re-set” button.

    With your Mace.

    kuno1chi wrote on August 31st, 2009
  28. You might be Primal if you spend more money on bicycle tires than you do on gasoline.

    You might be Primal if your workout routine includes chasing your dogs/kids/siblings across the yard.

    You might be Primal if you’ve ever had to share dinner with your cat. (Fun fact: I did. Last night.)

    You might be Primal if your weight rack weighs more than your car.

    You might be Primal if “eating out” and “flashlight tag” mean the same thing to you.

    GeriMorgan wrote on August 31st, 2009
    • You look like you might be on YPP. May I ask what your handle on there is ?

      Kiran wrote on August 31st, 2009
  29. You might be Primal if an annoyed person tells you to “take a hike” and you do.

    Sharon wrote on August 31st, 2009
  30. You might be primal if you consider the housework to be your workout of the day!

    Robin wrote on August 31st, 2009
  31. You might be primal if your four basic food groups are beef, pork, poultry, and fish.

    Success Warrior wrote on August 31st, 2009
    • Wha ? Eggs aren’t a basic food group ?

      Kiran wrote on August 31st, 2009
      • Just roll eggs under poultry ;)

        Marcus wrote on August 31st, 2009
        • I thought eggs rolled out from under poultry…

          TheNewGrayMare wrote on December 18th, 2012
  32. You might be primal if when asked to pick up rice at the market, you bring home cauliflower.

    Bourgogne wrote on August 31st, 2009
    • Good one – I have done this.

      Mike wrote on August 31st, 2009
  33. You might be primal if you like your worms with an apple

    pieter d wrote on August 31st, 2009
  34. You might be primal if you look for the farther parking spot from the door.

    Henry Miller wrote on August 31st, 2009
  35. you might be primal if you take off your shirt at every possible occasion

    (if you’re male)

    pieter d wrote on August 31st, 2009
    • (or if you’re not)

      GeriMorgan wrote on August 31st, 2009
    • or female :P

      fishergirl wrote on September 3rd, 2009
  36. The chicken or the egg? You might be primal if you want both.

    pieter d wrote on August 31st, 2009
  37. You might be primal if cows, pigs and chickens run the other way when they see you coming.

    Chris Tomek wrote on August 31st, 2009
  38. You might be primal if you
    knick-knack, paddy whack,
    give a dog a bone,
    then chase it and catch it,
    and then throw it as far as can
    and then brake it and
    suck the marrow out of it
    and…

    (This old man came sprinting home.)

    pieter d wrote on August 31st, 2009
  39. You might be Primal if you consider a coconut that has freshly fallen from a tree as nature’s gobstopper.

    thebkon wrote on August 31st, 2009
  40. You might be primal if no matter how well you explain yourself your friends and family think you’re going to die young from clogged arteries.

    Ted wrote on August 31st, 2009
    • yesss I know exactly what you mean!

      fishergirl wrote on September 3rd, 2009

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