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Let me introduce myself. My name is Mark Sisson. Iโ€™m 63 years young. I live and work in Malibu, California. In a past life I was a professional marathoner and triathlete. Now my life goal is to help 100 million people get healthy. I started this blog in 2006 to empower people to take full responsibility for their own health and enjoyment of life by investigating, discussing, and critically rethinking everything weโ€™ve assumed to be true about health and wellness...

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August 31, 2009

Contest: You Might Be Primal If…

By Mark Sisson
247 Comments

The Prize:

Brainy and brawny go well together. That’s why today’s sponsor is ThinkGeek, a one stop web shop for the smart masses. Today’s prize is the the Homo Sapiens Caveman Kitchen Tool. Or as I’m re-naming it, the Grok Tool. It pounds. It smashes. It even…grates garlic? Yep, all that and you now have the ability to mercifully end the life of your spear-wounded prey. And whether you win or lose, check out ThinkGeek.com for fun stuff like killer bunny slippers, pice cubes, and previously featured miracle fruit.

The Contest:

If you were alive in the mid-1990’s, you may remember comedian Jeff Foxworthy’s empire of “You might be a redneck if…” humor. Today I’m looking for “You might be Primal if…” jokes. Think one up and leave it in the comment board.

Examples:

  • You might be Primal if you’ve been banned from your local grocery store for repeatedly violating the “No shirt, no shoes, no service” policy.
  • You might be Primal if you’ve never used an elevator. Ever.
  • You might be Primal if you prefer your apple with worms.
  • You might be Primal if you accidentally broke your neighbor’s second story window with a kettlebell.
  • You might be Primal if every butcher in America can recognize you on the spot.
  • You might be Primal if you measure friends, relatives, and children not by the mettle of their character, but by how far you could throw them.
  • You might be Primal if you’ve started to use Tabata intervals for dish washing, shopping, shaving, and dating.
  • You might be Primal if you make guests take off their shoes before leaving the house.
  • You might be Primal if you measure time by the number of cows you’ve consumed since an event occurred… “When did we take that trip to Portland?” “Oh, that was about 3 cows ago.”

Eligibility:

This prize is available to anyone in the world who has ever dreamed of mashing objects with a large chunk of sandstone.

The Contest End Time:

Midnight, tonight!

How the Winner Will Be Determined:

I’ll pick a handful of my favorites and let all of you decide the winner through a reader poll.

Update: With dozens of equally witty and humorous submissions I’ve decided to hold a random drawing for this prize. Check the contest page to see who has won!

To track all the contests visit The Primal Blueprint Health Challenge Contest Page for daily updates.

Visit The Primal Blueprint Health Challenge for challenge details.

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247 Comments on "Contest: You Might Be Primal If…"

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Wendy
Wendy
7 years 30 days ago

You might be primal if the sight of a grass fed cow makes you more excited than a member of the opposite sex.

Primal_Pebbles
7 years 1 month ago

Food never tromps sex.

Kiran
Kiran
7 years 1 month ago

Caveat: Food trumps sex only if you’re starving.

Aaron Blaisdell
Aaron Blaisdell
7 years 30 days ago

You might be primal if your appetite is more roused by the petting zoo than by the funnel cake at the summer county fair.

Kurtis
Kurtis
7 years 30 days ago

You might be primal if you stop and pickup roadkill for an afternoon snack.

Adrienne
Adrienne
7 years 30 days ago

You might be primal if you ask for a birthday steak instead of a birthday cake.

hynek
7 years 1 month ago

Even before knowing about being MDA, my co-workers gave me meatballs instead of a cake for birthday: ๐Ÿ™‚

fishergirl
fishergirl
7 years 27 days ago

That is wicked!!!!!

Kiran
Kiran
7 years 30 days ago

You might be primal if you look at a “Quadruple Bypass Burger” and think the bun is unhealthy.

CKB
CKB
7 years 30 days ago

this one made me laugh out loud b/c it hit so close to home.

Kiran
Kiran
7 years 1 month ago

Slight variant:

You might be primal if you look at a โ€œQuadruple Bypass Burgerโ€ and think “It’s the Bun that will kill ya”

skuafox
skuafox
4 years 4 months ago

Yes, dump the bread!

Krys
7 years 30 days ago

You might be primal if the sight of a grass-fed T-Bone and a side of butter makes you grunt with joy.

Kiran
Kiran
7 years 30 days ago

You might be primal if “Low-Fat” is an automatic disqualifier.

Cameron Perry
7 years 30 days ago

So true!

MurryFolt
MurryFolt
5 years 4 months ago

Worse yet, when someone says “it’s okay, it’s healthy. It’s lowfat”

Marc Shorten
Marc Shorten
7 years 30 days ago

You might be primal if when walking to the shops you try to work out the longest way to get there

Geoff
Geoff
7 years 30 days ago

You might be primal if the kids on the playground would rather play with you than with their parents.

GeriMorgan
7 years 30 days ago

Or if they’d rather play with you than the other kids.

Zelenn
Zelenn
4 years 8 months ago

No lie, I dated a girl with two kids that willing to (I wouldn’t let them) blow off an entire day with their bio Dad to hang with me for 20 minutes in the park, cause I actually climb trees barefoot; my nurse aide scrubs be damned.

Marc Shorten
Marc Shorten
7 years 30 days ago

You might be primal if when other kids were looking for Easter eggs you were looking for the bunny.

Chris
Chris
7 years 30 days ago

You might be primal if you go clubbing for dinner instead of after dinner.

You might be primal if you see a bag of potato chips and Won’t Eat Just One.

Kiran
Kiran
7 years 30 days ago

Chips is my nemesis. I have to have some every couple of weeks or so.

Aaron Blaisdell
Aaron Blaisdell
7 years 30 days ago

Same here. Binged on some corn chips and salsa at a party two weeks ago.

FlyNavyWife
7 years 1 month ago

have you tried pork rinds yet?

Took me several bites to get into them but now they’re great to have around when I “need” something crunchy that’s not a veggie.

Kiran
Kiran
7 years 30 days ago

You might be primal if you break into a sprint for no particular reason.

Marc Shorten
Marc Shorten
7 years 30 days ago

You might be primal if your idea of getting fit involves regular naps

Molaina
Molaina
4 years 8 months ago

ooohhh…. That’s me ๐Ÿ˜‰

Max Lambert
Max Lambert
7 years 30 days ago

You might be a Primal if you see a jogger and your first instinct is to chase it down for dinner

Kiran
Kiran
7 years 30 days ago

You might be primal if skipping a couple of meals doesn’t bother you.

Chris
Chris
7 years 30 days ago

You might be primal if you bring a fishing pole to Sea World.

You might be primal if your food “pyramid” looks more like a food Sphinx… a tasty, pastured Sphinx.

Girl Gone Primal
7 years 1 month ago

Love the Sea World one, very nice ๐Ÿ˜€

Russ
Russ
7 years 30 days ago

If you consider bacon fat a condiment, you might be Primal

Kiran
Kiran
7 years 30 days ago

You might be primal if you save burger fat to cook with.

wd
wd
7 years 30 days ago

Ymbpi the local cat population has suffered since your arrival to the neighborhood.

cc40
cc40
7 years 30 days ago

You might be primal if you commute to work by swinging from tree to tree.

You might be primal if you and your dog are arguing over who gets the scraps.

Curiousfarmer
7 years 30 days ago

You might be primal if you go outside to relieve yourself.

Russ
Russ
7 years 30 days ago

If you think the Government’s food pyramid is a crime against humanity, you might be Primal.

gcb
7 years 30 days ago

You might be primal if you invite friends over for supper, and they ask what’s being served, and you reply “Meat! Oh, and some plants.”

Bonus points if they nervously ask what *kind* of meat.

Griff
Griff
7 years 30 days ago

*laugh* Yeah, a friend of mine is coming over to dinner tomorrow night, and when we were determining the time, I said “Great, I’ll pick up the steaks on Monday!”

She asked nervously, “Are we having anything besides steak?”

(We’re having broccoli beef with cauliflower rice.)

Curiousfarmer
7 years 30 days ago

You might be primal if you ask to keep the old tires when you have new ones put on your car.

kuno1chi
kuno1chi
7 years 30 days ago

You might be Primal if visitors to your home comment on the souvenir Springbok hide…and you tell them he was delicious ๐Ÿ˜‰

Rob
7 years 30 days ago

You might be primal if lard makes you salivate.

Curiousfarmer
7 years 30 days ago

You might be primal if you ask your girlfriend to kill a baby chicken. True story! http://curiousfarmer.wordpress.com/2009/07/15/killing-with-kindness/

kuno1chi
kuno1chi
7 years 30 days ago

You might also be Primal if they try to hate you at the gym for acting so crazy— but you’re having so much fun they want to play, too.

kuno1chi
kuno1chi
7 years 30 days ago

You might be Primal if: The smoke alarm goes off when you’re cooking a steak, and you hit the “re-set” button.

With your Mace.

fritchbeetle
7 years 30 days ago

Love it!

FlyNavyWife
7 years 1 month ago

whyyyyyyyyyyyyy are you burning your steak?

RARE, please!

GeriMorgan
7 years 30 days ago

You might be Primal if you spend more money on bicycle tires than you do on gasoline.

You might be Primal if your workout routine includes chasing your dogs/kids/siblings across the yard.

You might be Primal if you’ve ever had to share dinner with your cat. (Fun fact: I did. Last night.)

You might be Primal if your weight rack weighs more than your car.

You might be Primal if “eating out” and “flashlight tag” mean the same thing to you.

Kiran
Kiran
7 years 30 days ago

You look like you might be on YPP. May I ask what your handle on there is ?

Sharon
Sharon
7 years 30 days ago

You might be Primal if an annoyed person tells you to “take a hike” and you do.

Robin
Robin
7 years 30 days ago

You might be primal if you consider the housework to be your workout of the day!

Success Warrior
7 years 30 days ago

You might be primal if your four basic food groups are beef, pork, poultry, and fish.

Kiran
Kiran
7 years 30 days ago

Wha ? Eggs aren’t a basic food group ?

Marcus
Marcus
7 years 30 days ago

Just roll eggs under poultry ๐Ÿ˜‰

TheNewGrayMare
3 years 9 months ago

I thought eggs rolled out from under poultry…

Bourgogne
Bourgogne
7 years 30 days ago

You might be primal if when asked to pick up rice at the market, you bring home cauliflower.

Mike
7 years 30 days ago

Good one – I have done this.

pieter d
pieter d
7 years 30 days ago

You might be primal if you like your worms with an apple

Henry Miller
Henry Miller
7 years 30 days ago

You might be primal if you look for the farther parking spot from the door.

pieter d
pieter d
7 years 30 days ago

you might be primal if you take off your shirt at every possible occasion

(if you’re male)

GeriMorgan
7 years 30 days ago

(or if you’re not)

fishergirl
fishergirl
7 years 27 days ago

or female ๐Ÿ˜›

pieter d
pieter d
7 years 30 days ago

The chicken or the egg? You might be primal if you want both.

Chris Tomek
7 years 30 days ago

You might be primal if cows, pigs and chickens run the other way when they see you coming.

thebkon
thebkon
7 years 30 days ago

You might be Primal if you consider a coconut that has freshly fallen from a tree as nature’s gobstopper.

pieter d
pieter d
7 years 30 days ago

You might be primal if you
knick-knack, paddy whack,
give a dog a bone,
then chase it and catch it,
and then throw it as far as can
and then brake it and
suck the marrow out of it
and…

(This old man came sprinting home.)

fritchbeetle
7 years 30 days ago

Funny!!

Ted
Ted
7 years 30 days ago

You might be primal if no matter how well you explain yourself your friends and family think you’re going to die young from clogged arteries.

fishergirl
fishergirl
7 years 27 days ago

yesss I know exactly what you mean!

Rich
Rich
7 years 30 days ago

you might be primal if conventional wisdom is more terrifying than the bogeyman…

Lauren Ornelas
Lauren Ornelas
5 years 6 months ago

haha! I so do!

Ed
Ed
7 years 30 days ago

You might be primal if your IQ is higher than your daily carb gram count.

fritchbeetle
7 years 30 days ago

HA! Hee hee hee…

GeriMorgan
7 years 30 days ago

You might be primal if your pants size is higher than your daily carb gram count.

Catalina
Catalina
7 years 1 month ago

I love this one!

David L.
David L.
7 years 30 days ago

You might be primal if you fry you bacon in beef tallow.

hawken
hawken
7 years 30 days ago

You might be primal if someone asks “What’s for dinner?”, you reply, “Not sure, haven’t caught it yet!”

kuno1chi
kuno1chi
7 years 30 days ago

You might also be Primal if:
instead of calling Police about your noisy party, they knock politely on the door— to inquire about the howling.

maba
maba
7 years 30 days ago

You might be primal if you climb the stairs on all fours, and backwards.

Lisa
Lisa
7 years 30 days ago

You might be primal if your “inforamation superhighway” is now the path through the forest to deer you’d like to eat!

David L.
David L.
7 years 30 days ago

You might be primal if you dip carrot in rendered bacon fat.

FlyNavyWife
7 years 1 month ago

so guilty!

Matt
Matt
7 years 30 days ago

You might be primal if you prefer your women to have more hair than the animals you hunt.

kuno1chi
kuno1chi
7 years 30 days ago

…and besides, the cops are already AT that party ๐Ÿ˜€

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