Marks Daily Apple
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Archive for the ‘ The Fuming Fuji ’ Category

2 Jan

The Fuming Fuji Says No to Pita Chips

FUJ

The Fuming Fuji is outraged at the marketing of toxic food, especially when it’s aimed at the small fry. This week, the Fuming Fuji has decided to have a serious problem with pita chips.

But Fuming Fuji, you ask, aren’t pita chips healthy?

The Fuming Fuji says no!

The claim: The Fuming Fuji was blinded by “natural” and “wholesome” and “whole-grain”. Also, by a lovely Granny Smith strolling past.

The catch: Lies, all lies. Pita chips are not healthy because they are greasy, salty, and fried. It does not matter that pita is a nice word which is very fun to spell.

The comeback: That’s it? That’s your best? Come on, Fuji – pita chips have to be healthier than nachos.

The conclusion: People, for the last time: A chip is a chip is a chip, except Pentium, which is admittedly low-fat. The Fuming Fuji does not care to comment. EVEN if a chip is not made with trans fat and EVEN if a chip is made from nice grains and EVEN if a chip is baked instead of fried, the chip is still a chip! It is still a processed food made with the use of a stamp.

The catchphrase: For pita’s sake!

Disclaimer: Mark Sisson and the Worker Bees do not necessarily endorse the views of the Fuming Fuji.

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26 Dec

The Fuming Fuji Says No to Children’s Restaurant Menus

FUJ

The Fuming Fuji is outraged at the marketing of toxic food, especially when it’s aimed at the small fry. This week, the Fuming Fuji has decided to have a serious problem with children’s restaurant menus.

But, Fuming Fuji, you ask, kids are so picky – restaurants have to offer what kids will eat, right?

The Fuming Fuji says no!

The claim: Many restaurants offer children’s menus full of deep-fried garbage, with hopes for junior’s imminent obesity.

The comeback: Come on, Fuji! Kids aren’t going to eat chicken parmesan. Food has to be fun for them. Besides, the kids’ menu is cheaper. I don’t want to pay for filet mignon for someone who can’t even spell it.

The conclusion: Fuming Fuji says you should not eat chicken parmesan, either. Yes, food should be fun. So should hospitals, but they are not, especially when you are there for a triple bypass. Fuming Fuji says no price is too high for your child’s health. Also, children learn French spelling quite easily. What restaurant doesn’t offer sides like a small salad, fruit, or steamed veggies? No restaurant you should be in. Kids like these foods and they are healthier than fried cholesterol tenders. Oh, excuse me, fried chicken tenders.

The catchphrase: Tiny tots are not trash compactors.

Disclaimer: Mark Sisson and the Worker Bees do not necessarily endorse the views of the Fuming Fuji. He’s an angry, angry little apple.

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19 Dec

The Fuming Fuji Says No to Macaroni and Cheese

FUJ

The Fuming Fuji is outraged at the marketing of toxic food, especially when it’s aimed at the small fry. This week, the Fuming Fuji has decided to have a serious problem with macaroni and cheese.

But, Fuming Fuji, you ask, isn’t mac ‘n cheese at least rich in complex carbohydrates, calcium and protein?

The Fuming Fuji says no!

The claim: Fuming Fuji notices a certain brand of mac ‘n cheese promotes itself as having calcium.

The catch: Classroom chalk also has calcium, and it is much less fattening. Children like chalk. Yet they do not sell chalk. Mac ‘n cheese is one of the emptiest foods known to humanity. Cats and dogs agree.

The comeback: Come on. It can’t be that bad, especially if you throw in some diced up hot dogs for protein?

The conclusion: The Fuming Fuji cannot believe what was just said. HOT DOGS? For protein? The Fuji only has time for one outrage per week. This week, it is macaroni and cheese, which is bleached processed flour mixed with chemically-altered powdered cheese product and fat. Enough with the calcium obsession! Calcium does not make up for garbage food.

The catchphrase: Heart Attack ‘n Cheese.

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12 Dec

The Fuming Fuji Says No to Sports Drinks

FUJ

The Fuming Fuji is outraged at the marketing of toxic food, especially when it’s aimed at the small fry. This week, the Fuming Fuji has decided to have a serious problem with sports drinks.

But, Fuming Fuji, you ask, aren’t sports drinks really healthy, especially for child athletes?

The Fuming Fuji says no!

The claim: Sports drinks replace lost electrolytes…and other stuff.

The catch: Sports drinks are sugar water. Fuming Fuji admits sometimes they also have dye and flavorings.

The comeback: But don’t kids need energy drinks, especially if they play sports?

The conclusion: Yes, children who run frequent marathons should drink sports drinks. When I was a young seed, I scuttled uphill both ways in the snow to school every day, and sports drinks really got me through. But 1 in 3 children are obese. 1 in 3 will get diabetes. The Fuming Fuji says sports drinks are less useful than Paris Hilton.

The catchphrase: Diabetes will never be an Olympic sport.

Disclaimer: Mark Sisson and the Worker Bees do not necessarily endorse the views of the Fuming Fuji.

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5 Dec

The Fuming Fuji Says No to Breakfast Cereals for Children

FUJ

The Fuming Fuji is outraged at the marketing of toxic food, especially when it’s aimed at the small fry. This week, the Fuming Fuji has decided to have a serious problem with the breakfast cereals for children.

But, Fuming Fuji, you ask, aren’t some breakfast cereals healthy?

The Fuming Fuji says no!

The claim: Breakfast cereals are enriched with 9, or 11, or 13 vitamins and minerals.

The catch: Breakfast cereals are enriched with 9, or 11, or 13 vitamins and minerals that are not biologically active and also wash off in milk, plus 9, 11, or 13 chemicals, additives, preservatives, dyes and artificial ingredients.

The comeback: Can’t you just drink the milk? And besides, lots of cereals are made with whole-grain now. Come on, Fuji!

The conclusion:
Okay, you can drink the milk. It is a great way to get your daily serving of hormones, antibiotics and germs. Yes, cereals are sometimes made with whole-grain now. These same cereals are also made with sugar, sugar, and sugar. The whole grain has not replaced the sugar, only added to it!

The catchphrase:
Now made with whole grain…and still a lot of other crap!

Disclaimer: Mark Sisson and the Worker Bees do not necessarily endorse the views of the Fuming Fuji.

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