The Fuming Fuji is outraged at the marketing of toxic food, especially when it’s aimed at the small fry. This week, the Fuming Fuji has decided to have a serious problem with Wonkazoids.
But, Fuming Fuji, you ask, isn’t this a good way to keep tweens entertained during long car rides?
The Fuming Fuji says no!
The claim: “Now your candy’s got game,” says Nestle. This combination video game and candy dispenser is the latest wonderful Wonka offering.
The catch: Watching wax melt is more exciting than this game, which is a glorified diabetes dispenser. Even the Fuji knows a stupid video game when he sees one.
The comeback: Isn’t this a nice alternative to violent games? What harm is a little candy?
The conclusion: Candy is what is violent to young seedlings. The Fuji is going to make a Myspace page for Nestle. The Fuji will name it Pied Piper. Nevermind, that has already been taken. Perhaps Malicious Marketing to Munchkins is still available. Fuji will be right back…
The catchphrase: Nestle cares so much about children’s health, even the toys come filled with sugar!
Disclaimer: Mark Sisson and the Worker Bees do not necessarily endorse the views of the Fuming Fuji. Mostly.
Technorati Tags: children’s health, candy, video games, wonkazoids
Posted By: Worker Bee
The Fuming Fuji is outraged at the marketing of toxic food, especially when it’s aimed at the small fry. This week, the Fuming Fuji has decided to have a serious problem with Cocoa Puffs Milk ‘n Cereal Bars.
But, Fuming Fuji, you ask, isn’t breakfast the most important meal of the day?
The Fuming Fuji says no!
The claim: Cocoa Puffs Milk ‘n Cereal Bars are a great way to make sure your youngsters get breakfast, even on the go!
The catch: Tiny tots are better off skipping breakfast than eating this crunch block of evil. This “breakfast” is only a candy bar. Also, it is ugly, and one should not feed ugly food to children.
The comeback: Isn’t that discriminatory? Besides, Fuming Fuji, the box says “the nutrition of a bowl of cereal with milk“! Milk, Fuji! Milk!
The conclusion: The Fuji does not need you to shout. If you want to call gummified frosting “milk”, that is not the problem of the Fuji. It is hard to make milk even more unhealthy, but Cocoa Puffs has triumphed.
The catchphrase: Do not feed these petrified sugar sandwiches to your child! Maybe that neighbor kid, though.
Disclaimer: Mark Sisson and the Worker Bees do not necessarily endorse the views of the Fuming Fuji. Mostly.
Technorati Tags: children’s health, cocoa puffs, cereal bars, breakfast
Posted By: Worker Bee
The Fuming Fuji is outraged at the marketing of toxic food, especially when it’s aimed at the small fry. This week, the Fuming Fuji has decided to have a serious problem with enhanced soft drinks.
But, Fuming Fuji, you ask, if we’re going to have soda, isn’t it better to enhance it with vitamins and natural flavorings?
The Fuming Fuji says no!
The claim: Soft drinks are now coming in super-enhanced varieties loaded with vitamin C.
The catch: Soft drinks are now coming in super-enhanced varieties loaded with sugar. The Fuming Fuji cannot wait for super-enhanced lard cakes to be loaded with vitamin C also – what a difference to health that will make!
The comeback: People aren’t going to stop drinking soda. At least make it healthier!
The conclusion: Wise words. Perhaps we should add ginseng to bacon bits. Fuming Fuji predicts a new food revolution of selling the same old junk. Fuming Fuji asks what is next: Botox Burgers?
The catchphrase: When you get sick from this garbage food, at least you will not be deficient in Vitamin C.
Disclaimer: Mark Sisson and the Worker Bees do not necessarily endorse the views of the Fuming Fuji.
Technorati Tags: children’s health, soft drinks, vitamin C
Posted By: Worker Bee
The Fuming Fuji is outraged at the marketing of toxic food, especially when it’s aimed at the small fry. This week, the Fuming Fuji has decided to have a serious problem with Uncrustables.
But, Fuming Fuji, you ask, what’s wrong with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich already made and ready to go? And no crust? Kids will love it!
The Fuming Fuji says no!
The claim: Now you can buy pre-made frozen PB&J sandwiches with the crusts already cut off! Just think what you can do with those extra three seconds!
The catch: Now you can buy pre-made frozen PB&J sandwiches with this inside:
WHEAT BREAD: ENRICHED UNBLEACHED FLOUR (WHEAT FLOUR, MALTED BARLEY FLOUR, NIACIN, REDUCED IRON, THIAMIN MONONITRATE, RIBOFLAVIN, FOLIC ACID), WATER, UNBLEACHED WHOLE WHEAT FLOUR, HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP, YEAST, PARTIALLY HYDROGENATED SOYBEAN OIL, CONTAINS 2% OR LESS OF: WHEAT GLUTEN, SALT, CARAMEL COLOR, DOUGH CONDITIONERS (MAY CONTAIN ONE OR MORE OF: DIACETYL TARTARIC ACID ESTERS OF MONO AND DIGLYCERIDES [DATEM], MONO AND DIGLYCERIDES, SODIUM STEAROYL LACTYLATE, CALCIUM PEROXIDE, ASCORBIC ACID, AZODICARBONAMIDE, L-CYSTEINE), YEAST NUTRIENTS (MAY CONTAIN ONE OR MORE OF: MONOCALCIUM PHOSPHATE, CALCIUM SULFATE, AMMONIUM SULFATE), CALCIUM PROPIONATE (MAINTAIN FRESHNESS), ENZYMES (WITH WHEAT), GUAR GUM, XANTHAM GUM. PEANUT BUTTER: PEANUTS, DEXTROSE, SUGAR, CONTAINS 2% OR LESS OF: PARTIALLY AND FULLY HYDROGENATED VEGETABLE OILS (SOYBEAN AND/OR COTTONSEED AND/OR RAPESEED), SALT, MOLASSES, MONO AND DIGLYCERIDES (PALM AND/OR SOYBEAN OIL). HONEY SPREAD: CORN SYRUP, HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP, WATER, HONEY, PECTIN, NATURAL FLAVOR, CITRIC ACID, POTASSIUM SORBATE (PRESERVATIVE), CARAMEL COLOR, CALCIUM CHLORIDE.
The comeback: Well, I can’t pronounce most of those ingredients, but isn’t a crust-less sandwich a great way to get kids to eat something besides candy?
The conclusion: The Fuming Fuji does not have time for such questions. The Fuming Fuji is drowning in a pile of leftover crusts. If you think hydrogenated oil (trans fat) and bleached flour (sugar) with a lot of strange chemicals is great for your child, the Fuji cannot be of help.
The catchphrase: Uncrustables: We’ve removed the nutrition so you don’t have to!
Disclaimer: Mark Sisson and the Worker Bees do not necessarily endorse the views of the Fuming Fuji.
Technorati Tags: children’s health, uncrustables, PB&J, peanut butter and jelly
Posted By: Worker Bee
The Fuming Fuji is outraged at the marketing of toxic food, especially when it’s aimed at the small fry. This week, the Fuming Fuji has decided to have a serious problem with Gogurt.
But, Fuming Fuji, you ask, isn’t calcium on-the-go better than a popsicle?
The Fuming Fuji says no!
The claim: Apparently, kids can’t get enough of the cool wonderfulness of flavors like “Cool Cotton Candy”. Yoplait says – and the Fuji quotes – “wholesome goodness.”
The catch: Gogurt is like crack for youngsters, only sweeter.
The comeback: Oh, come on, it’s better than a popsicle.
The conclusion: The Fuming Fuji tried to ignore your popsicle comparison the first time you asked it. Just because yogurt is not quite as bad as a popsicle does not make it healthy. Gogurt is a sugar-laden, chemical-filled joke!
The catchphrase: Gogurt – just like yogurt, only really terrible.
Disclaimer: Mark Sisson and the Worker Bees do not necessarily endorse the views of the Fuming Fuji.
Technorati Tags: children’s health, gogurt, yogurt
Posted By: Worker Bee
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